Gawker
So I'll be in Maine all next week, leaving you in the extremely fun and competent company of Doree, Choire, Josh, Balk, and Balk's cock, which will be picking up even more of my slack than it usually does. I had Gawker pervtographer Nikola Tamindzic snap a special picture of me being all "eff you, I am wearing an American Apparel tank suit" on his roof last night because, let's face it, I have become some delusional cross between Alyssa Shelasky and Julia Allison, blogging about my feelings and disgracing feminism right and left. Yeah, that's it. Also that's why it's time for a full break. Also, as a bit of useful service journalism: After the jump, an object lesson in how not to ask for time off.
(As our story opens, Emily has just returned from taking two unplanned days off in a last-ditch effort to save her relationship, even though her boss was all 'that never works.')
From: Emily
To: Choire
Subject: I'll never leave you again!
Except July 16-20. Julia Allison seems like a good sub, no? Here's something she imed me today:
"well, i have this theory. about fame. that getting the adulation from people is addictive, and once people realized that they could have it by acting like idiots (something I occasionally do), it's a downward spiral ... they get that rush, from being on survivor or the apprentice or a blog like gawker, and then they want to continue to feel it, so they do whatever it takes to maintain that attention."
by george, i think she's got it!
From: Choire
To: Emily
haha. she so does.
girllll, do you have any vacation days LEFT? are you like, in the negative???
From: Emily
To: Choire
are you kidding? can you think of a full day that i have taken off since you started besides the thurs i had a nervy b? cause i'm pretty sure one hasn't existed. and before that i have never taken a day off, ever
From: Choire
To: Emily
omg maybe you're right??? yeah you had two in march, one in april, and one in may, which is pretty much totally nothing. i dunno actually how many we have or when we get them but also i really don't care i don't
think?
(while this is going on, Emily and Choire are iming about, probably, whether the version of "Think About It" on the "covers and roughs" bonus tracks of Rumours is better or worse or just different than the version on Stevie's album Bella Donna.)
From: Emily
To: Choire
well let me know asap cause i have to book flights and things, please.
From: Choire
To: Emily
oh fuck i don't care! no no, go go! you're in my book for out that week. GAYKER AHOY.
Hear that, kiddies? Strap in and on and get ready for Gayker. And in a week, I'll come back. Probably.
Oh and P.S.:
Comments
Is that really an American Apparel? It looks waaaaaay cuter than in the ads. Who knew?
"save her relationship"?
You have your choice of prime beef right here baby!!
::grabs own crotch::
Stunning. Go home and burn your blouses. Lycra is your best friend. Maine won't know what hit it.
Oh lord I wanna see this.
I was thinking you were do for a vacation, when you were expressing your love for Park Slope. Enjoy!
Where's the "How Ya Like Me Now, Krasinski?" tag?
I said goodbye to All That years ago. And Roundhouse before it.
I mourn the latter, and dance upon the grave of the former.
nervy b
So now that you're single-ish, can we expect more cheesecake? Yum!
"it's okay, Mrs. Emily, your daughter is just asserting her independence in light of recent events. she'll be blowing through stuffed animals again in no time."
That guy you were with is an asshole. Go have some lobster, anonymous sex and many drinks.
@mathnet: I liked that a lot, too.
@DorothyMantooth: Send it to Krasinski! Send it to Krasinski! Cardigans be dammed!
I don't care how high the terror alert is, they should still let you wear some clothes when you go through the airport.
Barely safe for work, but I love you for doing it.
If you put this photo on your Facebook page, I think you will blow your shot of ever becoming Miss New York.
If you drive up the coast (I assume you're going to MDI) stop at Moody's in Waldoboro. If you go inland go to A1 in Gardiner. Or if you prefer the windowside service at Fat Boy in Brunswick you may see Chris Elliott and his family. This concludes today's segment of Cheap, Greasy Eats of High Quality in America's Only Legitimate State.
We are not worthy.
Wow. Utterly Bone-o-genic.
Look at Emily, all disenchanted and--fuck it, those legs are gorge.
the hetero male demographic of gawker, a mere 5% of the total audience if i was forced to venture a guess, collectively just found their new screensaver.
Who the fuck was the moron who broke up with you?
All this is missing is a guy in a mall-bought polo biting your left boob.
Jimmy Kimmel's probably eating his kishkes out.
Ehhh... not such a flattering pic... I'm sorry to say. Now, if I'd been able to art direct...
But I'm still yours for the taking. So please don't let yourself get fondled in Maine.
It's pretty lame up there anyway.
This is totally a giant "This is what you'll never again get to touch" message to the ex, yes? If so, well done! If you were my ex-girlfriend I'd be miserable as all fuck now. As it is you've just made my Friday afternoon.
Are one pieces back? How 1981 retro!
@benmaimon: Emily looks like a very pleasant woman.
@the cajun boy:
boner doner here.
AWESOMIST, WHERE THE F ARE YOU. YOU CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU'RE MISSING!
Bravo, Emily, that took balls. Brass balls.
awww . . . so gorgeous, so funny and so feminist. aloha, or whatever they say up north!
Is that the cover of Peaches' new album?
Mike in mosquito-ey New Hampshire wishes you a great trip to that Other State. No, not Vermont.
@Sally Tomato: M'dear if I had a free line to Krasinski, I'm afraid I wouldn't be spamming him with piccies of our Em, luverly as she is.
(And the American Apparel ads that I would channel in my picspam might be even... pervier. If you know what I'm sayin'...)
@the cajun boy: More like .05%, but yeah, well done Gryffindor. This has to be the fastest, best-managed rebound from a highly public breakup in the history of the minor interweb celebrity. Thanks for thinking of us/flipping us off, Emily, & have a swell interlude.
Wait. Someone just told me how to do this. OK, here goes.
Baby, those must be space pants, 'cause your ass is outta this world. Wanna get some fries?
Pardon my mentioning it, but don't you have tattoos, Emily? Where did they go?
Way to juxtapose this with Jezebel's "can you masturbate with other people around" post. That's just a full-on smoked ham of "fuck you".
Awesome. You look ready to drop a verse on a Peaches track.
christ. that's the body you get from smoking weed? (i mean, you JUST quit).
i'm inhaling the wrong drug.
ps - don't ever even joke about julia subbing again. we have a cock posting now, we don't need a cocksucker (and i don't mean that in the good choire/momo way).
@Mary Mouse: An armlet of cherries on the upper right arm. Still there.
Emily, you're rockin' that Double-A suit like nobody's business! However, you flip the bird like my mom. Gotta make the 'nads more pronounced to make it go to 11.
Have a great time in Maine, Emily. Its the greatest place in the world.
If I smoked weed everyday, my thighs would be twice the size of yours. Oh wait--they are. Boo.
Have a good week! I'm blinded now! K thnx!
(okay, so what are we going to do while emily is gone? send tons of snail mail to gawker HQ? switch around all her furniture? drink?)
I'm in love.
I am going to have to look into this yoga thing.
(GAYKER, eh? Does this mean we get a week of Momo?)
PS, for Emily's eyes only: You're pretty.
Damn - nice across the board. Dov Charney should be very upset, given how much you've upstaged his harem, erm, models.
XYZ Restaurant near Southwest Harbor - make sure to reserve a table - might be the best authentic Mexican food north of Tijuana. I kid you not, and yes, the location is about as far from Mexico as one can get in the U.S. It's probably why the proprietor can avoid the Tex-Mex trap.
HAWT!
That is all.
This is seriously too much for me.
@jse82: Oh, ferfucksake. My boyfriend is moving to Maine for grad school and all anyone does is talk about how awesome it is there. Once Emily gets there looking all hot and smart and sex-ay, it'll officially be hotter than perfect. (I imagine the glow will linger even after she goes back home.) Guess I'd better start trolling the Portland job boards.
HAWT is right!!! Your boyfriend is a clueless douche.
Emily, you look fantastic.
Rowr. 'Nuff said.