Gawker
"Can you please give voice to this at your site?" reads the subject line of Pulitzer-winning author Robert Olen Butler's latest email to us. We certainly can. If you recall, Robert's wife of twelve years, author Elizabeth Dewberry recently left him to become one of Ted Turner's girlfriends, which prompted him to send an email to five of his grad students explaining the circumstances in vivid—novelistic!—detail. Today, he writes, "I am sure there are a number of your followers who actually might want to understand this intense letter which was written in an extreme emotional circumstance. They encountered the email with no knowledge of two of the three principal players in the drama. They have only a sound-bite-and-media-spun understanding of the third. I can well see how a first reaction to the email by someone for whom it was not intended might be that it is only a bizarre and inappropriate document worthy of scorn." Let's allow him the space he needs in order to attempt to convince us that it is otherwise.
Before we continue, though: "your followers?" This is a just a website. Not a cult!
"But to begin to see the email in a fair way, you must understand this premise: I loved Elizabeth deeply for 13 years. I did not stop loving her when she told me what was happening between her and Ted. I love her still in an altered but sincere way. She loved me. She loves me still, but no longer as her husband. I'm sure many, if not all, of your readers have gone through their own dramas of love and loss. Love is not easily relinquished and it can shift its shape."
"Altered but sincere way." Excellent word choice. "She loved me. She loves me still, but no longer as her husband." This is when I started feeling like I was going to cry. "I'm sure many, if not all, of your readers, have gone through their own dramas of love and loss." Um, as have some, if not all, of our editors! This one, for instance, has listened to the entirety of Joni Mitchell's"Court and Spark," every Bikini Kill single, and also "Just a Little Bit of Heart and Soul" by T'Pau three times—this morning!
"My drama of love and loss was particularly intense and had some strikingly unique characteristics."
Newsflash: we all feel that way! Everyone thinks their heartbreak is special and unique! But no one's feeeeeeeelings are more important or special than anyone else's, no matter how good they are at writing about them!
"And it presented only a small range of choices, none of them good. In terms of the inevitable news of all this, my primary concern, of course, was with the community she and I lived in. If I had said nothing, the naked facts of the events would have meant that Elizabeth would be savaged by the rumor mill."
Oh, way to dodge that bullet. We would like to take this opportunity to recommend that Robert immediately purchase a copy of the instructive book Send, which is a guide to email etiquette that also details the history of the medium of email, and explains why, if there is ever any sensitive information that you'd like to communicate to a select few people, you must communicate that information in person.
"Even with the facts of her terrible childhood before them, some of the commenters on this and other forums are saying terrible and cruelly untrue things about her character. With no mitigating interpretation at all offered about what happened in our lives and in our marriage, you can well imagine how much worse the reaction would have been. It's just human nature. Nor would very simple, broad-outline public pronouncements have made any difference. If I had simply said something to the effect of "they're marrying for love and she and I will remain friends and I wish them well," it would not have been believed and the very same false assessment of her would have occurred. The explanation vacuum—even a partial one—especially given Ted Turner's involvement—would have been filled in a way that would have been unfairly critical of Elizabeth. Remember, I'm talking about the circle of our friends and acquaintances and colleagues here. Those were the people I had to focus on, not the wide general public. I never dreamed you all would get this intimately involved."
Here's some unsolicited advice, Robert: stop caring so damn much what other people think. We all hate this advice. But isn't it the key to sanity?
"Either of those two choices—silence or vagueness—would have been the easy way out for me. I had nothing to gain from the letter I wrote unless it was a covert act of rage, an act of passive aggression. It was not. Your readers may not believe that. But my wife and I have warmly and lovingly spoken on the phone virtually every day since the breakup. We are going through this crisis of publicity together in a loving way. She is the one person in the world—the only one other than myself—who can judge if I am raging and aggressive over her. When I said in the email that she knew about, endorsed, and even encouraged the email, that was literally true. I showed the entire email to her before I sent it. She could have said not to do it. She could have significantly altered it. She did not. She made a few suggestions, which I implemented."
The fact that Elizabeth okayed your email doesn't mean that your email wasn't insane, in our opinion. It means that you and Elizabeth are both kinda insane!
"And the email was never a mass email. I chose five trusted grad students who know us both the best. I chose half a dozen faculty members who know us both the best. And they were asked, when the rumors reached them, to tell the appropriately nuanced story. Or to tell the fuller story on their own initiative—because everyone would soon know anyway. Yes, I sanctioned the use of the email I sent them in order to explain the circumstances to the people in our community who were hearing about this. Why should I avoid vagueness myself and then force them to be vague? Without that sanction to use the email, the explanation vacuum would have continued to form and be filled with lies. And this process worked exactly as I had hoped. That email went out six weeks ago. And faculty members and students alike have told me that all of the talk around campus and around town has been sympathetic and generous about both of us."
Any email has the potential to become a "mass email." That is the nature of the medium of email. It's icky, but true.
"Now as to the intimate nature of the email, this is crucial to understand: there is not a single fact of Elizabeth's or Ted's or my personal lives that the intended audience could not easily have already known. Elizabeth has spoken and written openly, publicly, about everything in her childhood. Ted's persona and the details of the pattern of his love life are widely known (just read Jane Fonda's memoir). I do connect some dots to try to explain why Elizabeth has been drawn to him. But it was not meant to be a judgment against either of them. Ted's own difficult childhood is also public knowledge. We all of us often—some psychologists would say pretty much always—form adult relationships as an acting out of the basic love patterns of childhood relationships. There is nothing unseemly or wrong about this. It is the human condition."
Oh my god, THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH THERAPY.
"And I tell you absolutely that Elizabeth did not do this for money and Ted did not do it lightly as conquest. They love each other deeply. And given what they've both been through in their lives, I expect them to be very good for each other. I love Elizabeth and her remarkable writing talent. I admire the wide-ranging good works Ted does to preserve the earth and prevent nuclear war. These are admirable people doing important work in the culture and in the world. I sincerely hope they have the rich happiness they deserve."
This part kind of reminds us of the opening few bars of "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette.
"In spite of my previous chiding of you and your readers, I wish that happiness for all of you, as well. It's dangerous to live too deeply in a world of glib judgmentalism. And man, there is some truly legitimate short-burst writing talent among you all."
Whee! Clip and paste permanently! "There is some truly legitimate short-burst writing talent among you all" — Robert Olen Butler. We are all so excited to use this as a blurb someday for our novels.
"But I hope at least some of you come to realize that vituperation, no matter how funny or elegantly expressed, is not an art form."
Wrong! Also please point out exactly where we were "vituperative?" We'll give you this—some of our commenters are really mean. But they do love your writing!
"Because some of you may well be capable of turning your talent with language—and your ferocious sense of right and wrong—to a more enduring purpose: to exploring, with courage and frankness and humor and compassion and moral insight, the truths of the human heart."
Oh look, Bob: I just did.
Comments
OK, this guy needs to go bang an undergrad, like, *right now* ...
What a fucking pussy.
Any man with a scrap of self-respect who gets dumped for a billionaire either dives to the bottom of a lake of bourbon or spends his evenings French-kissing a Browning Hi-Power, but he doesn't waste his foolscap on whining about it.
It's like watching the bewitched Linda Blair fuck herself with the crucifix over and over and over again. Just stop writing stuff, bub.
"I admire the wide-ranging good works Ted does to preserve the earth and prevent nuclear war."
Then why is My Boys on TBS? WHY?
Wow... how cool it must be to have been abused as a child and then constantly whine about it while subjecting everyone to the details for 'literary' gain.
Move over Tori - make room for another money-making abuse victim.
Jesus fuck. I'd hate to see what the first draft looked like.
I disagree about the cult. I shaved my hair into a "G" loooooong ago
His penis keeps getting tinier.
A+, Emily. I mean, that T'Pau reference alone...
If you love something, log off the goddamn internet.
He's clearly heartsick. He can't let it go.
He's a self-promoter. He can't let it go.
A referenced lyric to apply here to you, Bob:
"I'm the little girl at the picnic
Who won't stop pulling her dress up
It doesn't matter who's in control now
It doesn't matter 'cause this is the new radio."
Oddly, Dewberry told Alex Chadwick of NPR that she didn't approve the email, and that it contained inaccuracies.
To Mr. Butler, because I know you are reading this: Please admit that you were acting out of (understandable) pain, and that you wrote a passive-aggressive, douchebaggy email because you wanted to get your side of the story out and make yourself feel better.
Your email could have been used as an example in Stephen Potter's Gamesmanship series in how to undermine someone else's position while maintaining a veneer of concern. That you still contend that it was a sincere attempt to help is ludicrous.
Try to analyze your own behavior with the same depth of understanding you bring to your fictional characters. Of course this is hard, especially when you're hurting. But you owe it to yourself, and to your work, and to your students. Don't be remembered as "the guy who threw a very public tantrum over a narcissistic wound," because you can be so much better than that.
He lost me at "glib."
"Because some of you may well be capable of turning your talent with language...to a more enduring purpose".
Yes, some of us may want to do this - seeing as how it worked out so well for you, R.O.B.
Somebody needs to drink a tall glass of Shut the Fuck Up.
seems nice enough, and yet if i ever got stuck next to him on a long trainride, i would not hesitate to stick a knitting needle in my eye.
@VenusCloacina: Lifemanship.
It seems to be we are witnessing a massive, online mental breakdown. He really needs to step away from the laptop, get some meds and go to some remote island with no wireless for a few weeks.
Oh, and Bob? Since you're in the South and all, you might want to heed the wise words of Crash Davis: "You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club."
@tammyfey: Also Emily is the master wielder of the exclamation point.
No matter how hard I try (not hard at all), I can't take anything he writes seriously when it's accompanied by that photo of him with the fucking bichon frise.
"5 trusted grad students." Ok, I call Unethicist on this one: by definition, those students pay money to the institution he teaches at in order to have access to him. That's not exactly a casual relationship. Trustworthy = A+! I would have been seriously creeped out if any of my profs involved me in their personal lives. Ick.
PREVENT NUCLEAR WAR?
Best and saddest trainwreck, ever.
ok, and in my blog where I said my ex had a tiny, teeny, itty bitty, wee, mini little penis? That was well known by us both and was sanctioned as a way of explaining that I am not upset that he dumped me because after all, he really had a tiny, tiny, small, itty bitty, dinky, laughably small, toy-sized penis that often didn't even work anyway.
@PikachuMcHeidegger: Actually, we're both wrong, my darling. Gamesmanship was the first book; Lifemanship was the second. The series is actually called Upmanship; the thing is that the 1970s US edition (with the purple dustjacket) was entitled The Complete Lifemanship, but Potter preferred Upmanship.
This was a seminal text of my youth--my brother and I can still crack each other up simply by speaking the name "Odoreida".
Bob, please note that most of the commenters did not judge Elizabeth, they judged you. I realize you feel a need to defend yourself...but these letters? Not helping.
Thanks Bob. You sure cleared everything up for us. The real question is: why the hell do you care what some anonymous strangers have to say on a media gossip website? Or did you answer that question in your e-mail -- sorry, I couldn't get through it all. After the fourth back--track on the complicated nature of your feelings for your ex, I had to stop reading to maintain my sanity. You should go back to writing things that aren't e-mails immediately. Please stop trying to share with the public an unvarnished version of your very private pain. Sorry Bob, but that's the truth. Don't you have some friends or colleagues you could talk to about this?
After pushing 'Send' on this email, Bob hopped aboard his autogyro and puttered off into the evening sky, leaving nothing but an old dusty award and a twinge of sadness behind.
Claiming Ted prevents nuclear war is vituperative
I can't wait for tomorrow's installment of All My Molested Children.
Robert Olen Butler: The gift that keeps on giving.
@VenusCloacina: Are we, unbeknownst to me, married? The synchronicity is starting to scare me.
I feel the same way about Bob as I do about Isaiah Washington, (formerly of Grey's Anatomy.) Just shut the fuck up already.
Thanks.
I can now only conclude that he's a real live masochist, getting off on humiliating himself for such a large audience, over and over.
@PikachuMcHeidegger: I think my theory that we're each other's evil twin may be more accurate. Evil twins don't have to be identical, do they?
And don't take it personally, Bob, that a bunch of us strangers are reacting like this. Even my friends grew tired of me whining to them about my last pedestrian break-up. Eventually, they just told me to shut the fuck up and move on.
Want their email addresses?
is this what happens when one has internet addition?
@LolCait:
Tears.
Now isn't this the point where Emily grows a conscience and shames you all for being so mean? "I Still Believe in Love, Part II."
@concerned citizen: No shit! This is the future. Everybody's been molested. Get over it.
As further evidence that Bob is a passive-aggressive, as a result of his e-mail shenanigans, the Turner/Dewberry relationship will end within a week. Turner will conclude that she simply isn't worth all this trouble.
@VenusCloacina: I think Ma Heidegger might have mentioned a twin. She was certainly open enough about other things, like how much more she loved cigarettes than me.
@VenusCloacina: Isn't there suppposed to be a good twin in there somewhere?
Abyssus abyssum invocat. Or, you know, e-mails it often.
@fritosforlunch: It would be better if he had internet subtraction.
A great writer can make a personal situation seem incredibly fascinating. An even greater writer can then take the same information, and make you lose interest in it entirely. And, by golly, it worked: As if by magic, I don't care anymore. I hope everyone involved has a good life that I never hear about again!
Although I have to say, if Mr. Butler doesn't like the comments he's read here, I hope he never sees the ones on TMZ and other sites. We're just a bunch of smart-asses trying to be clever. Those people are mean.
In closing, the correct word for Gawker readers isn't "followers." It's junkies.
Let the others hate, you can talk to me any time, Bob. Maybe over a couple of pints at a Braves game?
@sexbot: Personally I plan on getting some Mallomars and enjoying the theatrics from my hovercraft.
@depardoo: I was wondering if that wasn't part of his plan. Or his subconscious's, at least. Testy tycoons don't like being compared to molesting grandpas!
Yes folks, this is what tuition at FSU does for you...Your lit prof crying in a little ball on the floor about cyberspace comments.
"Talk around campus and around town has been sympathetic."
No, they are really laughing at you. Like we are. Trust me.
@dado: Don't you guys remember the Nuclear Freeze? Um, guess not. He also saved us from black and white movies.
Gawker, why not just send him a commenter invitation? This guy is the new poster child for user generated content.
Rethinking, I've reached the conclusion he's steered this masterfully. This story's shelf life is down now to about six more hours.
@Glittersauce: I look forward to drinking from the communal Gawker Kool-Aid everyday!
@TedSez:
Hemingway's posthumous "Garden of Eden", for example. Thank God that old goat didn't have e-mail.