Obscure—that is, bad—satire is duping a lot of people this week. It's supposed to be funny. A lot of it's not. And it's really painful. But this is the internet.
No, Blake Griffin didn't smack a shirtless Justin Bieber at Starbucks
LA Clippers forward Blake Griffin did not hit a shirtless Justin Bieber for getting rowdy at Starbucks after ordering a caramel apple macchiato. The made-up story got shared widely by people who didn't realize it originated on a satirical site called Empire Sports. But so many of you wanted to believe.
Blake Griffin slaps Justin Bieber, immediately becomes my favorite athlete of all time http://t.co/lb0TM74eSk
— David Pierce (@piercedavid) February 12, 2014
One Des Moines Register journalist suggested erecting a statue — presumably in Griffin's honor, but hey, I guess it's not totally clear:
When do we start building statues of this man and telling our children stories of his undaunted courage? http://t.co/cdE0P7whjW
— Todd Erzen (@todderzen) February 13, 2014
For others, just the idea of such a smack-down was enough:
I don't care if this turns out to be fake. http://t.co/JjUhd12nDc
— Katherine Miller (@katherinemiller) February 12, 2014
No, the dude who screwed up the Sochi opening ceremony was not killed by the Russian government
Lots of people shared the news that a man responsible for an animatronic snowflake that failed to transform into an Olympic ring committed suicide slash was obviously murdered by the government.
The man responsible for the Olympic ring malfunction has been found dead: http://t.co/BesbOfx5le
— Josh Gold-Smith (@GoldAndOrSmith) February 8, 2014
I meannnnn, look, if this quote in the widely shared report didn't tip you off that our old friends at The Daily Currant make up their stories, I can't help you: "'Sure there were stab wounds and bruises all over the body,' admits the lead investigator on the case. 'But who knows what caused them. Maybe he tripped and fell on a set of knives. Right now we're ruling this an accidental death.'"
No, these Girl Scouts are not selling cookies in front of a weed store
This Photoshop job is so bad it's almost beautiful.
So my mom's friends live in Colorado and they set up a girl scout cookies stand outside of a medical marijuana store. pic.twitter.com/paA5Io5YVO
— Quinn Bidwell. (@QBidwell00) February 9, 2014
That didn't stop a Chicago-based radio host from sharing the pic on a local CBS affiliate's website, asking, "Do you think it’s crazy that these kids’ parents had them set up a stand right in front of this shop?"
Crazy brilliant, if it were legit, but alas.
"People think it's real, but it is clearly not," Girl Scouts of the USA spokesman Joshua Ackley told me in an email.
No, Crystal Pepsi is not coming back*
Sorry, I know, sorry! But Crystal Pepsi isn't coming back. Lots of people have been going nuts this week over the idea of a limited-edition 2014 release of the stuff—including several TV reporters, which makes sense since they're basically the Crystal Pepsi of journalism. (I kid, I kid.)
CRYSTAL @PEPSI RETURNS THIS YEAR?! MY BODY IS READY! Sorry hold on my Dr is calling, Hello? Yes? Cut back on sugar? K bai.. Mmm, ice water..
— Steve Zaragoza (@stevezaragoza) February 12, 2014
— John Sabol (@John_Sabol) February 13, 2014
Pepsi to Reintroduce Limited Edition Crystal Pepsi in Early 2014 | The Wall Street Sentinel - ... http://t.co/TkrmoT43SF
— Bryan Hughes (@bryanweather) February 13, 2014
But the story is made-up. It was posted to The Wall Street Sentinel, a site where a quick trip to the "about" page reveals its news stories are "100% satirical." The Crystal Pepsi rumors spread farther when sites like Uproxx picked up the story. (Its post has since been removed.)
I suspect the people pining for this stuff are too young to remember how unsettling it was to drink. But in case you're still jonesing, the Daily Dot tracked down some Crystal Pepsi available on eBay with a reminder about what happened to one dude who filmed his tasting of a 20-year-old bottle of the rare beverage. (Warning: Vomit.)
*It's worth pointing out that Pepsi didn't respond to any of my several emails and phone messages. So I didn't actually get confirmation from the company that Crystal Pepsi is gone forever, or that rumors of a comeback are bogus. So, you know...
Remember, when in doubt about something you see on the internet, just retweet this instead:
fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake
— liv (@lanadeliv) February 13, 2014