Cameron Diaz Urges Women to Grow a Thick, Thorny Bramble Bush of Pubes

Self-identified liver Cameron Diaz has a message for all of the ladies out there—yes, even you ladies in the back; yes, even you ladies pretending to text on your phones right now so that you can avoid eye contact with Cameron Diaz; look up. Look up. It's time to recei—look up; it's time to receive the message. OK, here's the message:

Your pubic hair is a mysterious, confusing, pretty, furry door (more like a beaded curtain?) to your vagina, and you should never remove it because one day someone's going to want to get in there and they'll probably enjoy their stay more if they have to hunt around for the entrance, like they're entering a genital speakeasy.

What a message! A little scrambled. Almost like she delivered it through tin cans and we misheard some of it. But she didn't deliver it through tin cans; she delivered it through her new book, "The Body Book: The Law of Hunger, the Science of Strength, and Other Ways to Love Your Amazing Body." It's a book about science, law, and amazing.

As an excerpt from the section titled "In Praise of Pubes" (currently making internet rounds) shows, some of the science-laws in Cameron Diaz's books are sexy opinions. One opinion Cameron Diaz has is that women—young and old—should keep hair on their hoo-has.

"I hear that there's a big fad these days of young women undergoing laser hair removal on all of their lady bits," Diaz explains in the book, in the sort of natural observational style you might use when striking up a conversation with a chair you've never met before.

"Personally, I think permanent laser hair removal sounds like a crazy idea. Forever? I know you may think you'll be wearing the same style of shoes forever and the same style of jeans forever, but you won't. The idea that vaginas are preferable in a hairless state is a pretty recent phenomenon, and all fads change, people."

Indeed, the concept of a vaginally hairless forever weighs heavily on Diaz's mind, as she ponders over and over again the inscrutable tristesse of a pube-free senescence, people.

"...[L]et's be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia major is [sic] not immune to gravity.

Do you really want a hairless vagina for the rest of your life?"

But pubic hair, explains Diaz, is more than a dense, nettled thicket cultivated to catch the most shameful parts of your amazing body before they can fall —plop!—right onto the dusty ground due to age and overuse.

It is also "a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness." (The "it" in question is presumably a woman's vagina; the "sexiness": her temperament and boobs.)

And, like a blacked out limousine window or a refrigerator, "Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer."

They're also wrapping paper. And vagina clothes. And a "forever stamp" that will still be valid twenty years from now. They're a tiny kaftan made out of a sheet of uncut forever stamps that you place on top of your vagina for your lover to remove when the occasion strikes.

"It's a personal decision, but I'm just putting it out there: Consider leaving your vagina fully dressed, ladies. Twenty years from now, you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is."

Last year, Diaz's friend Gwyneth Paltrow revealed she had to shave (but not permanently remove!) her pubes in order to wear a dress.

[Image via Getty]