The wave of hipness that has lately washed over Washington, DC has bathed the city's new residents in a glorious young, hip vibe. But it has also washed away the once sedate lives of the city's elderly, who now cower in their apartments, fearing that the next tidal wave of coolness may drown them for good.
The Washington Post's Man Booker Prize-winning Hipness Desk today peers into the dark side of the city's hipness: old, uncool people, who are woefully unequipped to participate in the vibrant lifestyle of their newly hip city. The story features a dramatic photo of an old woman staring out of her window with a doleful expression, as if to say, "I have nothing to wear to the tapas bar which has opened across the street." Elderly residents are quoted complaining about how DC's hip and happening young crowd menaces them with their devil-may-care demands for wider sidewalks and form-fitting dungarees. The pandemonium created by the hip nerds that overtaken Chocolate City is truly terrifying to behold. Nothing illustrates the city's descent into depravity like the story's lede:
As 80-year-old Jackie Parham waited to speak at her local Advisory Neighborhood Commission meeting Wednesday night, a man in a suit held up placards showing slick renditions of a new TGI Fridays proposed for Columbia Heights — exposed brick wall, large circular bar, giant flat-screen for sporting events.
Parham had no complaints about the design. But the restaurant, which proposes to have karaoke music and DJs and to stay open until 2 a.m., would be directly under her home in the Kelsey Apartments, a five-story, 150-unit senior residence on 14th Street NW.
We knew DC was hip. But hip enough for a new TGI Friday's? Might as well clear out, old folks. This city is about to turn into a motherfucking Three-For-All.