Oprah: I Was Never Going to Jerk Off Near SeaWorldS

Oprah Winfrey, a minor deity whose whole schtick is that you are a frantic, unwashed mess and she's going to give you a pair of really comfy bedroom slippers until you feel better, has confirmed rumors that she nearly had a nervous breakdown last year.

Speaking to "Access Hollywood," Winfrey said that the combined pressures of shooting "Lee Daniels’ The Butler" while attempting to jam a spring-loaded needle of adrenaline into the heart of her "struggling network" proved so stressful she began to feel her mental health slipping away. She says the first indication struck her last fall while she was conducting an interview with Jason Russell, the leader of the Kony 2012 movement, whose infamous breakdown found him running naked through the streets of San Diego and masturbating in public.

I was sitting and listening to Jason Russell describe his symptoms…. Saying, "Um, this sounds pretty familiar to me."

Winfrey describes those symptoms as "a sort of speeding," and "a kind of numbness," adding that the simple act of reading a page of lines for a voiceover felt like "too much stimulation for my brain.” But before we go any further, Oprah needs you to recognize and acknowledge that she wasn't anywhere close to masturbating near SeaWorld, like some other people she could name.

I mean, I wasn’t ready to go run naked in the streets. Let’s make that very clear. But I had reached a point where I just couldn’t take in anymore stimulation. OK? That’s what I meant by that.

According to "Access Hollywood," Oprah's turning point came during an interview with Fergie, which seems like a waste of a turning point. In any case, she seems to be feeling better now.

Hopefully she will be able to parlay her dalliance with mental instability into a truly moving installment of Oprah's Favorite Things, featuring the products (a small amber bottle of baobab essential oil; a handsome maple cutting board; a tin of scrumptious caramel popped corns) that pulled her back from the brink of insanity.

But one has to wonder: If Oprah, with her endless reserves of cream colored candles, can't find serenity, what hope is there for the rest of us?

[Image via Getty]