Prince William and Kate Middleton Share Family Photo with Labeled Baby

Pippa Middleton's hella embarrassing dork family released an official portrait over the weekend to celebrate the UK-specific holiday of "Mother's Day (UK)." The public neither sought out nor sought to avoid this picture. Just turned around and there it was. A can of soup you don't remember putting in your cart. OK, fine.

The portrait offers an illuminating glimpse of the private lives of the "of Cambridge" family behind the palace walls, where all objects bear labels written in clear block letters in the style of a high school Spanish classroom. "DOOR," reads an index card taped to a 400-year-old solid oak door. "EL MAPA," declares a map of the United Kingdom, hand painted in 1820. "SWORD," reads a card taped to an antique sword mounted on a wall in Duke and Duchess' bedroom, written in red to indicate it is bad to touch.

Imagine, if you will, the morning of the portrait session: Prince George fresh from the bath, swaddled in a towel, giggling and cooing as he studies his face in a mirror. ("MIRROR," reads a card taped to the gilded frame.) Prince William grabs the shirtless infant by his tummy and holds him aloft. "What the bloody hell is this thing?"

"That's the baby, lamb. That's George."

"Well, whatever it is, it needs a damn sight better labeling."

Sighing one of her trademark sighs, Kate tugs a pale blue cashmere sweater over her son's enormous baby head. It is personalized; a gift from his grandfather. "See? That's George."

Later that night, Prince William's eyes fill with tears as he places his son in his crib. "I love you, George, and I'm so proud of you," he whispers to the sweater, gently covering it with a blanket. "I know one day you will make a fine king."

The baby lies in another room, unlabeled and, so, forgotten.

[Image via Jason Bell/Clarence House]