On October 7th, Prince William, a grown, married man who has a child and a bald spot and a real job that requires him to fly helicopters and save people's lives, will do something very exciting, which is: organize the first-ever official soccer game at his nana's house.

Over the course of its 300 years history, his nana's house—Buckingham Palace—has played host to untold tennis matches, garden parties, jubilees, corgi piñata parties, quidditch tournaments, wild rumpī, slap the butcher, tea times, hide-and-seeks, pitter patters, and one epic game of flip cup on Prince Harry's 17th birthday, but never, ever an official soccer game. So everyone's very excited. Prince William might even go so far as to say he's Jesus fucking Christ so bloody goddamn fucking excited shit shit Jesus Christ oh fuck what the hell yes fuck FUCK excited, because, according to the Daily Beast's Tom Sykes, Prince William likes to swear a whole goddamn lot during soccer games.

Here's how Sykes put it in his column, The Royalist:

"My sources tell me that playing soccer with Prince William 'can make you think he has tourettes' such is the volume and intensity of foul-mouthed expletives that pour forth from the royal mouth when the passionate footballer flubs a kick..."

While it would perhaps be premature to diagnose Prince William with a neurological disorder on the basis of having heard him utter some swears in the midst of a heated soccer game, there is no denying that hearing him say them would give us a sad little thrill. So that we might recreate the experience of hearing Prince William swear in our own private imaginariums, we have assembled the following list of probable swear words he uses. (For reference, here is video of him giving a swear-less speech. HIS CADENCE. IS SORT. OF CLUNKY. LIKE. A STATUE. IS TALKING.)

  • Heavens
  • Goodness
  • Bobbins
  • I Say
  • Goddamn Fucking Cunt
  • Fiddlesticks
  • Oh My
  • Oh
  • Gosh
  • Oh Gosh
  • Oh My Gosh
  • Oof
  • Cripes
  • Crumbs
  • This Football Reminds Me Of Your Dirty Whore Mother's Big Sweaty Tits
  • Pip
  • Oh Bother
  • Bugger
  • Blast it
  • Balls
  • Fuh
  • Oof
  • Zounds
  • Gadzooks
  • Pish Posh
  • Jesus Fucking Goddamn Christ, My Feet are Like Your Father's Cock—Utterly Useless, Tramping Around a Sodden, Muddy Puss Puddle, Bringing Forth into the World Nothing But Shit, Utter Shit, Righteously Stupid Fucking Bastard Shit That Helps No One and Does No Practical Good
  • Snails
  • Lemons
  • Dash It All
  • Good Heavens
  • By Jove
  • My Word
  • Snickerduddlums
  • I'm Feeling Rather Blue
  • Mercy
  • Piffle
  • [The N-Word]
  • Saints Preserve Us
  • Spruces and Juices
  • Peanuts
  • Phooey
  • Leapin’ Lizards
  • Oh Dear
  • Jehosephat
  • Pippa

[The Royalist // Image by Jim Cooke, Photo via Getty]