Susan A. Patton, who quickly became known as Princeton Mom after doling out unsolicited counsel to young Princeton women in an editorial in the University's daily newspaper, is getting her very own book deal. That's right, Simon & Schuster's Gallery Books is set to publish the world's most embarrassing mom's book. It's called SMARTEN UP! Words of Wisdom from the Princeton Mom.
What encouraging guidance awaits the modern young woman, eager to begin her life? Here are all of the topics SMARTEN UP! will explore, as listed in the press release:
- "The heartbreak women may face if they delay marriage and motherhood" and no one wants heartbreak, that's for sure. This could unite a generation.
- "How marriage and motherhood have become thought of as the antithesis of modern womanhood," which seems like a fairly unnuanced perspective assigned to modern thoughts on modern womanhood.
- "The necessity for young women to plan for their personal happiness as carefully as they plan for their professional success," which actually sounds reasonable. Accounting for your personal well-being and your professional life with equal consideration is level-headed and grounded.
- "Confront[ing] realities including the limited number of years women can bear children and how the current hook-up culture diminishes women’s self-esteem." Let's go over what "realities" mean. For example, the first example is based on science and therefore constitutes a reality. The second example is a specific opinion that is refuted as frequently as it is supported.
And here is what Susan "A As In Marry A Princeton Man" Patton, had to say regarding her upcoming tome:
"In this 'politically correct' world where the topics of marriage and motherhood for educated girls are taboo, somebody has to talk honestly with young women about finding husbands, getting married and having babies. That might as well be me! The advice I offered in the Daily Princetonian was intended for the women on the campus of my beloved alma mater, but it is applicable to educated women everywhere who want a traditional family. To avoid an unwanted life of spinsterhood with cats, you have to smarten up about what’s important to you."
Even the publisher of Gallery Books, Jennifer Bergstrom, acknowledged upcoming unpopularity of the work, writing that it will contain "uncomfortable truths that many women don’t want to hear" [or read].
Besides an early marriage, what other third rails will this book explore? Orange sweater-sets? How to clutch a dear dachshund? Elitism? How best to woo her sons, a chapter for each lad? We'll have to wait until next spring, when copies will be available in time to save the class of 2014—and every graduating girl onwards—from ruin.