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Take a deep breath. Relax. Center yourself. Think about your bank account. Now. Are you ready for an article explaining why $196,000 per year is not that much money? Good. More »
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Winter has finally hit, for real this time. It's cold. It's dark. Your New Year's resolutions have undoubtedly failed by now. You'll be spending yet another Valentine's Day alone. Don't despair. Let hate warm you up. Here's an arbitrary list of seven careers full of people you should hate. More »
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I was watching the Grammys last night because I had nothing better to do, and it dawned on me that, for all of the Grammys' shortcomings (and there are many), I enjoyed watching that telecast FAR more than I've enjoyed watching any Oscars telecast over the past 10 or 20 years. Here's why: More »
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The news of the day: America is poor, but wealthy people are still building themselves huge mansions. Is it wrong for someone to build an obscenely luxurious home for themselves with their own legally obtained money and means? Yes. It is wrong. More »
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I've set off some explosive truth bombs in my day, but I think this is going to be the most controversial thing I have ever published: I hate cheese. More »
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Here we see two young women grab each other and start fighting at yesterday's Giants victory parade. A large crowd gathers around them. What the crowd does: point their cell phone cameras and film the fight. What the crowd does not do: make any move to break up the fight. Cell phone cameras have given us a fine excuse to become a bunch of moral zombies. More »
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Did you catch the Super Bowl game on television? Perhaps you were one of the millions of fans who shared your opinions in the largest simultaneous outpouring of tweets in history. Mmm, illusion. Bathe in it. More »
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January has not been kind to Lana Del Rey. Post-SNL and in the lead-up to the release of her debut album, Born To Die, Del Rey could be heard prattling through the halls of the Internet, mumbling her last rites. Article after article, tweet after tweet, the witch hunt grew. More »
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Don't be looking at me. More »
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It's like hey, dogs, we get it. You hate cats. Fine. We heard you the first time and the second time and the one millionth time, with the barking. Maybe you should bark at a cat again? No, you should shut up! More »
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Here in America, our jails are full of old people, and it's costing us a ton of money to keep them in there. Huh. Now there is a problem which certainly could not have been foreseen by craven "Law and order" politicians prosecuting a useless "War on Drugs" for the sake of public popularity, nor by the simplistic bloodthirsty voters who repeatedly elected them in order to satisfy a primal hatred of "the other." Anyhow, we have a solution: let the old people out of jail. More »
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Another GOP debate was held last night, providing ample opportunity for disconnected rich old white men to say ignorant, mildly racist things. Stem-cell experiment/bad suit wearing mannequin Rick Perry is widely acknowledged to have made the gaffe of the night for the answer he provided on an oddball question regarding Turkish relations. More »
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Of all the fashion don'ts in the world, the don't-iest of them all are those god awful toe shoe sneaker things that make your feet like like those of a cyborg ape. God, they are awful. Golden Globes nominee Shailene Woodley wore them on the red blue carpet last night. She should be shot. More »
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This is Taylor, of Ventura, California. Taylor, up until now, has been a loyal and devoted member of the Girl Scouts. But after the Girl Scouts of Colorado decided to allow a transsexual seven-year-old named Bobby Montoya into their ranks, Taylor has decided to turn heel: In an astonishing act of Scout sedition, Taylor has called for a boycott of Girl Scout cookies. More »
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A video emerges showing US Marines pissing on three Taliban corpses in Afghanistan. The outrage machine grinds into motion. The media bestirs itself from its slumber. Americans momentarily pay attention to the war in Afghanistan again. Politicians rush to add their names to the chorus of identical statements. All inflamed over the least bad thing that soldiers do in war. More »
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Tonight, after a long day of work and a glass of pinot (or three) you might think to yourself, "Gee, maybe I should watch the People's Choice Awards on CBS." That would be a very stupid idea. More »
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Keith Olbermann is a talented television man. He's agile with words. He's whip-smart, an often penetrating thinker, and seems able to strike the perfect on-air balance between smoldering outrage and smirking "What are we doing here, folks?" acknowledgment of some of television's absurdities. Still. If you are a TV executive who hires this man, you are a fucking idiot. More »
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The lefty blogosphere is all hot and bothered at famous fact-checking website Politifact for naming Democrats' claim that the Paul Ryan "Path to Prosperity" would "end Medicare" its 2011 Lie of the Year. And yes, there's a solid argument to be made that Politifact is completely wrong. The bigger problem here, though, is why does anyone care what this gimmicky website has to say, ever? More »
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Today I got a press release for something called the Baconery, which is a bakery that makes things out of bacon. That reminded me of bacon chocolates, bacon lip balm, bacon cologne, bacon vodka, and even bacon fucking lube. It's time to knock it off, people. More »
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Ugh, Tumblr. The exasperating microblogging site's execs were content to rent luxury cars, ignore emails, party in the Hamptons and take expensive pictures of their Vespas amid mass unemployment, economic collapse, banker bailouts, epic government privacy violations, fraudulent home foreclosures, and the beating of Occupy protesters across the country. But now that a copyright bill has put the startup's bubble jackpot on the line, it's all up in everyone's "Dashboards" with its political conscientiousness. Shut up, already. More »
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So, Chelsea Clinton is joining NBC "News" to "report" on "Making a Difference." We'll pause here as you get out all of the obvious jokes. (Pause.) Great. Now, let's take a moment to contemplate just how vapid our nation's most powerful "news" networks really are. More »
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Hey, can you spare a hundred bucks for my animé about the forces of Satan? Oh wait, no, actually how about $75 for my low-noise waterproof USB vibrator? Or maybe like $10 for my buddy's interactive ebook and film on psychedelic medicine? How about a $1 pocket grill investment? These annoying pitches all represent actual things—actual projects on Kickstarter, favored venue of filthy broke ass hippies the world over. There is just way, way too much of this shit. More »
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The mighty, omniscient "journalistic tone" is largely a convenient myth. Newspapers and other media outlets long adopted this self-assured institutional writing style which admitted no doubt as a way to appear more knowledgeable than they really were. The internet, with its radical transparency and focus on personality, has eaten away at this obfuscating tone. Which is good. Sometimes. More »
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We are now living in a time in which the first generation in history that never experienced life before the internet is coming into cultural power. And it is awful. More »
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So, Steve Jobs is dead. A tech genius has passed on. Sad. Certainly a devastating loss to Steve Jobs' close friends and family members, as well as to Apple executives and shareholders. The rest of you? Calm down. More »
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With the advent of Pajama Jeans, I was worried about the trend of Americans wearing their sleepwear outside of the house. But something far worse than Pajama Jeans has happened: fashion designers are trying to make this a trend! This is very, very bad. More »
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We all hear stories about kids who are given ridiculous names—usually kids that are born to celebrities—but when you're looking to name your child, don't turn to a "baby name blog." They're full of horrible ideas too, like this one. More »
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Just hours after a 5.9 magnitude quake hit Washington D.C., San Francisco weather traffic guy Sal Castaneda tweeted, "Hey east coasters: welcome to our world and what we live with everyday in California. Stay Safe." Hey, Californians: Shut up and let us wallow in our abject terror. More »
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Another day, another drop in new home sales. Another week, another rise in delinquent mortgages. Wake up, American paupers: the American dream of home ownership is dumb. More »
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Andover kids. Celebukids. College kids. Old people. And—especially—Kreayshawn. Let me stop you right there. Whew! Glad I caught you. Hey, small tip: do not push that button. Do not touch that mic. Do not make that rap video. More »
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The idea of the "internet craze" has outlived its usefulness. The half-life from internet meme to morning talk show segment is zero. It's time for journalists to retire this dumb pop cultural crutch. Every goddamn thing that happens on the internet is not an internet craze. More »
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When the subway pulls into your station, you never know what you're going to find. You might end up sitting next to a passed out junkie in a wheelchair, you might get stuck on the dreaded "stinky car," or, worst of all, there might be a bunch of tacky assholes who took over the train with their party. More »
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It seems that everywhere you look these days, someone is telling you how to do fitness wrong. They're telling you the wrong way to pick a trainer, they're telling you the wrong best exercise to do, they're telling you to do things that will kill you. And do you know who is to blame for all of this misinformation? That's right: you. More »
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Rep. Allen West says he's apologized to DNC chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz for his totally hilarious email rant in which he called her "the most vile, unprofessional, and despicable member" of the House. But does he lie? More »
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Rich Hil, the tatted-up 21 year-old son of Tommy Hilfiger, just got himself a record deal with Warner Brothers. (You can celebrate the moment with him in this video.) While Hil is, at least, more talented than Chet Haze, the rise of two celebrity scions into hip hop prominence at once makes me fear the very worst. More »
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While two Real Time with Bill Maher panel guests got flak today for making sexually charged jokes about Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum on last night's show, it seems nobody batted an eye at the anti-Bachmann, anti-Sarah Palin rant with which Maher ended the broadcast. Until now, at least. More »
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America loves having its movies and television shows recapped, reviewed, and regurgitated back to them, but the one thing that it hates more and more is having the events of those things spoiled by reviewers. It's time for a guide on what constitutes a spoiler and what does not. More »
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Glenn Beck absolutely will not shut up about The Time A Woman Accidentally Spilled Wine On His Wife! On Wednesday he spent a full 10 minutes on his radio show tearing into a moviegoer who says he's greatly exaggerated his family's brush with death at an outdoor movie. More »
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New York Times media guy David Carr is in big trouble for going on Bill Maher's HBO show and making a joke about how Kansas, Missouri, and other "middle places" are "the dance of the low sloping foreheads." (That means "dumb," for anyone reading in Kansas or Missouri.) More »
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The flight attendants union for Southwest Airlines may file discrimination charges against against the downmarket airline after a pilot accidentally broadcast a rant against the "gays," "grannies," and "grandes" he has to work with. More »
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