Yes the major event of the most important sociological experiment of our time had to do with cake. Who ate the cake? Remember when our subjects used to crawl in the hot tub and vomit on themselves?

I can hardly even remember the hot tub. Is it there? Is it working? Is there a reason that it is no longer the central ploy in the guido playbook for getting girls all warmed up with their sexual juices and then landing them into bed? Have the guido's evolved past the stage where they have crawled out of their primordial ooze, their external amniotic fluid, and have crawled onto the great beach of humanity to walk on their own two legs? Is that it? Or did someone just drop a deuce in it and never clean it up? Seems more likely.

• My Ass Is Bleeding: What a guido says after he or she has been dressed down by their mate for some sort of perceived wrongdoing. I initially thought this had something to do with expressions like "chewed me a new asshole" or "reamed my ass," but it does not. The guido, when he or she has wronged his or her lover, must find a way to make up for that slight. The answer is always anal sex. So, if he or she says their "ass is bleeding" that means they were on the receiving end of making their mate feel better by opening up the back door. (This is not to be confused with "rectal bleeding" which is a symptom JWOWW thinks Snooki has from her UTI.)
• Gumby Ankles: Reminiscent of "twinkle toes," this is a biological condition that makes it easier for the guido male to dance. Since most of his musculature is worked out endlessly at the gym, except his ankles, this is the only part of his body where he is flexible. That means, when he dances, it is mostly by rotating the joints between his tibia, fibula, and tarsels.

Now, onto the cake. So, Snooki and Deena, in all their infinite wisdom, blew off work and now are in hot water with Bossman Danny. They know he won't fire them (who could fire these two?) but they have to make it up to him. What to do? Well, remember when Snooki and JWOWW needed to tell Sammi that Ronnie was cheating on her so they stole a plot from Charles in Charge and wrote an anonymous note? Well, last night they decided to steal a plot from The Andy Griffith Show and bake Bossman Danny a cake. How did they ever see the tales of Mayberry? We have no idea, but we think this is what their guido elders showed them to try to socialize them to the American way.

Deena and Nicole bake a cake and make it all pretty and leave it over night to take to work. Everyone is in bed but The Situation who was off god knows where with the only human beings on earth that can tolerate spending more than five minutes alone with the man. He was the last one up. When Deena wakes up in the morning, there is a big chunk of cake missing. Who ate the cake?! Ok, this is officially The Andy Griffith Show.

Of course everyone thinks The Situation ate the cake, but he's all bent out of shape about it. (His nose is always bent out of shape, but that's an entirely different story.) He's all, "Everyone thinks I'm a jerk and they think I did it even if I say I didn't." Of course they think he did it, because he does every mean, shady, and awful thing in the house. And he was the only one up. And eating someone else's cake to fuck with their good time is totally something Sitch would do, right? You can't be an asshole to people all the time and then get upset when they think that you're an asshole. It's like a fart getting upset because people think it stinks.

It turns out that The Situation didn't eat it, DJ Paulie Delicious did, and he later cops to it. Deena apologizes to The Situation and how does he behave? Like an asshole. Way to convince people that you didn't eat the cake, jerk.

The one good part of this saga is, when everyone was eating the cake at the Shore Store, Bossman Danny told Deena that it smelled funny and when she brought her nose close to the cake to check its stench, he smooshed it in her face. What a good prank. That shows us, once again, that guidos can only be forgiven once retribution is taken.




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