Love is hard. Relationships are tricky. If you have problems in your marriage, try this: take a deep breath; count to ten; then, write an essay on the internet about why your husband is just not sexy.
Use a pen name, of course! "Julianna Colt's" husband will be so happy to read her essay in XO Jane (originally published on Elizabeth Street) about how her sexless marriage got to be so damn sexless. It started off well:
The first time I made out with my husband we had been dating about 3 weeks. I remember the first night we got naked together. His clothes came off and he was on top of me and I thought to myself, "Oh no, this is not going to work." I was not attracted to his body; I was used to being with hot, young guys with muscular, sculpted bodies. I was like a guy in that way: I needed a hot body. We ended up having sex and it was just "meh."
The man of her dreams!
We would come home drunk from a fun night out and I would want to start making out before we'd even made it through the door. He was easily embarrassed and would push me away in public and then when we got home he would want to order late night pizza rather than eating me, so to speak.
.... so to speak ;).
Naturally, they got married and had kids. Yet somehow they have never kindled that magical spark of love (hot sexxx). "I can't help but know that I went from a life of having sex 300 times a year to 10, if I am lucky," Julianna writes. That will certainly give her husband a lot to think about. Let's hope that he reads this essay carefully, for the sake of a healthy marriage.
Julianna Colt is also the author of "Should I Get a Divorce?"