Roommate Banished from Existence for Using Roommate's Toothbrush

Natasha's roommate, Eric, had finally done it. He had truly crossed a line. He existed now beyond the pale, in a lawless wasteland populated by bandits, brutes, and bad, bad roommates. Natasha sings now, of his treachery, in an email forwarded to Gawker.

Three weeks ago, I was going to give you 48 hours to pack and get out of the apartment. What you did is INEXCUSABLE, scummy, dirty, selfish, and frighteningly disrespectful to say the VERY least!!!!!!!!! You need to be out of this apartment by the end of this month.

We received this email—the Email of Eric's Everlasting Exile—from Eric today, a couple months after he had moved out of the apartment he once shared with two other tenants. In it, Eric's roommate Natasha explodes with fury over The Thing That Eric Did. These words are her passionate attempt to evict Eric from her home, her life, and Earth itself.

...I will talk with my doctor to see what testing/shot is necessary to make sure you and all the girls you sleep with, haven't infected me with anything. You will pay for the testing as well as the lab work.

To this day, Eric denies that he did the dastardly deed he definitely did (according to Natasha), which is classic Eric. Lo, she foretold his feeble protests even as he did conceive them:

Even if you deny it, I will not believe you. That is the conscious decision you made, and these are the repercussions you have to pay.

Fortunately for the wretched Eric, Natasha was loath to invite negativity into her life and so merely gave him 11 days to remove himself from her presence after he Did What He Did, rather than physically assaulting or poisoning him, as others counseled her to.

I have spoken to many people about this and I've gotten answers like..."I would have thrown his stuff out asap," "I would have knocked him out and down the stairs," "I would have contaminated his food or bath products." I however, am not interested in inviting negativity into my life. I just want you to leave immediately. And you're lucky I'm giving you so much to do that.

It is hugely unfair and disturbing for me to be in this situation!!!

By the way, what Eric did: put her toothbrush in his mouth (maybe).

Aren't you fuckin' aware that you can spread DISEASE by sharing a toothbrush?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should seriously pray to God that you haven't infected me with anything. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Eric tells us that his teeth were polished to a gleaming white not by means of duplicity and deceit, but with a toothbrush of his own purchasing. He says that when he asked Natasha why she thought he had used hers, she responded "Because it was wet."

Natasha, who is in fact one of the most real and kindest people Eric will ever know in his lifetime, was moved to exist outside of herself by the drama of the proceedings.

Unfortunately for me, I've been severely going out of my way and comfort zone, by being completely fake around you (when I'm in fact one of the most real and kindest people you will ever know in your lifetime) — when in actuality, I don't want to even see your face. That poses an unhealthy environment for the both of us, and this is the way it will be fixed. Also, I know that my honey, face wash, and body wash, among other of my things, have been used. If it's you, stop.

Elsewhere, she admits she is annoyed at Eric for "constantly doing what you do on the patio" (Tie-dyeing shirts without laying down newspaper? Exploring the herbal arts? One of those two things)—

One more thing- I don't feel comfortable with you constantly doing what you do on the patio. Starting from 9am on the weekends in visible light and throughout the day every weekend, and every single day of the week, in and out.
—and for hanging out with a third roommate, Marc, and not inviting her, except to trivia ONE TIME.
I will ask Marc if he wants to find a place with you so you guys don't have to sneak in the apartment separately anymore after constantly going out without me like you were doing for weeks before I joined you for Trivia night that time. LOL Pathetic!!
But both of those things—the squandered friendship opportunities and Eric's incessant compulsion to do what he does—she would have been willing to overlook. If not for the toothbrush.
However, all that aside — it's the using of my toothbrush which is the reason you are leaving.
While Eric was ultimately let off the hook for Natasha's medical fees (construction of brand new mouth; degrossification of teeth and gums), he tells us that she did hold on to half of his security deposit, and charge him $4 for a new toothbrush.

I know you've used my toothbrush.

He also hasn't "chilled with Marc since," which "sucks."

The full email, with names changed, is here:

Eric,

Since the day your parents came to visit, three weeks ago, I've been totally livid and being fake around you.

I know you've used my toothbrush.

Three weeks ago, I was going to give you 48 hours to pack and get out of the apartment. What you did is INEXCUSABLE, scummy, dirty, selfish, and frighteningly disrespectful to say the VERY least!!!!!!!!! You need to be out of this apartment by the end of this month. I will have a new roommate take that bedroom starting the beginning of March.

In addition, I will talk with my doctor to see what testing/shot is necessary to make sure you and all the girls you sleep with, haven't infected me with anything. You will pay for the testing as well as the lab work.

I am also getting tired of placing the dishes that you leave all week long in the sink, into the dishwasher. That is not my responsibility and I have already spoken to you about that. I'm also getting tired of running and emptying the dishwasher twice every single week, where I used to do it only once or twice a month max. I'm a working professional (not a a maid), I am very busy, and don't need to spend my time like that. You should have told me when we first met that you cook often; that is one of the main characteristics I do not want of a roommate, for these reasons exactly. Also spraying the slattered oil off the stove every week...is not my job.

One more thing- I don't feel comfortable with you constantly doing what you do on the patio. Starting from 9am on the weekends in visible light and throughout the day every weekend, and every single day of the week, in and out. You and I can get in major trouble for that and I am not going to continue to worry about that in the home I've been living in for the past seven years.

—- However, all that aside — it's the using of my toothbrush which is the reason you are leaving. Even if you deny it, I will not believe you. That is the conscious decision you made, and these are the repercussions you have to pay.

I have spoken to many people about this and I've gotten answers like..."I would have thrown his stuff out asap", "I would have knocked him out and down the stairs", "I would have contaminated his food or bath products". I however, am not interested in inviting negativity into my life. I just want you to leave immediately. And you're lucky I'm giving you so much to do that.

It is hugely unfair and disturbing for me to be in this situation!!! I even called my close friend who's a nurse, as well as my dentist, to talk with them about the situation. I will call my doctor this week.

Aren't you fuckin' aware that you can spread DISEASE by sharing a toothbrush?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should seriously pray to God that you haven't infected me with anything. That's all I'm going to say about that.

There are tons of people looking for roommates in this town and locally, even now during the winter; I already checked craigslist last week.

Unfortunately for me, I've been severely going out of my way and comfort zone, by being completely fake around you (when I'm in fact one of the most real and kindest people you will ever know in your lifetime) — when in actuality, I don't want to even see your face. That poses an unhealthy environment for the both of us, and this is the way it will be fixed. Also, I know that my honey, face wash, and body wash, among other of my things, have been used. If it's you, stop.

I will ask Marc if he wants to find a place with you so you guys don't have to sneak in the apartment separately anymore after constantly going out without me like you were doing for weeks before I joined you for Trivia night that time. LOL Pathetic!! What are we in grade school?? lol!...and once again- just plain disrespectful, especially after I've been totally sweet to the both of you...... and especially considering the fact that it's ONLY because of me, that you guys are good friends now....lol Your Welcome. A decent individual/roommate would never exclude one roommate, but rather as a human being, ask every once in a while, if she/he would like to join. l would NEVER do that to any roommate of mine. NEVER.

Eric, I will start showing your bedroom immediately. You need to move out by the end of this month of February. You still owe me utilities and medical fees. I will let you know soon, what that totals to. Regardless of whether you email me back or not, it doesn't matter. You're things need to be removed out of the bedroom and closet by the end of this month. Make sure not to break the window blinds or anything else.

So now you know why I've been acting weird around you both, on and off, for the past several weeks. You deserve that. I don't.

Natasha

[Photo via pedrosala/Shutterstock.]