Back before Russell Brand was the Nazi-joke-telling, MSNBC-destroying Messiah we all know and tolerate, he was an up-and-coming heroin addict trying to make it in show business by giving handjobs to random guys in Soho bar bathrooms.
"I think of myself as heterosexual but perhaps that’s ‘cause of the environment that I grew up in where homosexuality may have been difficult for me to express," Brand told Herring.
“I trawled around Soho…going [to] various gay bars, gay gyms trying to pick people up with a film crew,” says the Get Him To The Greek star.
“I went in this pub and I goes: ‘Anyone want me to wank them off?’
“And this bloke goes, ‘Yep’. Like as if I was saying: ‘Does anyone want a packet of crisps [potato chips] from the bar…?’
“So we goes to the lavvy – me, him, the director – and…he gets his willy out. And it was not nice. The phallus is…I like mine and you see some others in paintings that look all right but his looked like a rag.”
As the live audience titters at his cringe-worthy tale, Brand describes what it felt like to massage the strange man’s penis!
He says: “I took it betwixt my fingers thusly. It were [sic] like massaging a naked mole rat and it wouldn’t go hard!
“And we’re…in the toilet with the director standing there filming me and he goes, ‘I think…it would be easier if I was able to touch yours’.
“And I [thought] ‘Fucking hell mate, do us a favor!’ And the director goes: ‘Go on Russell it would be funny…’
“So I take down my trousers and pants…and then the bloke sort of mauled at my genitals while I wanked him off.”
Brand was determined to do a good job. He says: “I’m such a sex narcissist that, even though I’m not gay, I still wanted to be good at giving him a wank…”
The whole incident eventually came to a messy conclusion. Brand says that “after about 27 and 11 minutes, he spat a string of grey jism.”
You can watch the segment in question above (skip to 3:25 if you're in a hurry), and listen to Herring's interview with Brand below: