The dystopian Olympic games in Sochi finally came to a close today, the last event being an obvious Canadian triumph in hockey. But now that it's all over, we can do the thing that we all came here to do: count up those medals and measure our dicks.
The shattering defeat of American athleticism came at the hand of Putin's population, who topped the medal count by a devastating landslide—that is, if that land were sloped at an angle one might use for a Slip 'N Slide at a gluten-intolerant third-grader's unsupervised birthday party.
Following the host nation's mediocrely-won first place, the U.S. came in the rear with only five more medals to achieve. Maybe if we had taken a page out of the Weir Bible of Good Blessings and Dressings, we could have accomplished something great. But with the simple interface and relative ease of the Tinder app, we were too busy fucking to win more medals. Classic.
The lowest-ranking nation among medal scorers was Kazakhstan, gaining one very nice bronze medal in figure skating. Norway fell short of the U.S. by two medals, but continues to outshine us in socialist practices and apocalyptic predictions. Canada graduated from Sochi with a major in Second and a minor in Fiddle, magna cum not as good as America laude.
Russia: 28 (+5)
United States: 28
South Korea: 8
Czech Republic: 8
United Kingdom: 4
Australia: 3 (seriously?)