Who knows what disaster would have stricken last Saturday's Preference Dance if Lone Peak (Utah) High School student Gabi Finlayson had been allowed to expose her dangerous teenage shoulders? Angry adolescent boners? Sexual thoughts? A bacchanalian orgy right there on the dance floor? Thank god (and some courageous, quick-thinking administrators) we'll never have to find out.
Mere moments before the fiendish bare shoulder-flesh could begin working its devil magicks, a staff member managed to seal it safely away by asking the 15-year-old Finlayson to cover herself with a shawl or jacket. The girl spent the rest of the dance in her winter coat.
Crisis averted! But only just.
She says her dress, purchased in Paris on a trip with her mom and inspired by the scandalous outfits of that notorious Hollywood harlot Audrey Hepburn, met the school's dress code for dances, which includes this section on girls' attire:
"Formals, backless dresses and/or tops may not extend beyond the bottom of the shoulder blades. Girls' dresses and tops must have a 2″ minimum strap on each shoulder. Shawls, boleros and other shrugs are acceptable if worn over the dress at all times. Cleavage covered."
But when it comes to the purity of our teenage boys' minds, there's no such thing as too careful.
Finlayson doesn't seem to understand the catastrophe she nearly caused, and certainly doesn't take seriously her responsibility to make sure none of her male classmates is possessed by one of the devil's erections.
"Somehow my shoulders are sexualized," she complained to KUTV, "Like it's my responsibility to make sure the boys' thoughts are not unclean. Maybe instead of teaching girls they should cover themselves up, we should be teaching boys that we're not just sex objects that you can look at and derive pleasure."
It's radical thinking like this that could turn America's shoulder problem into a national epidemic if we don't nip it in the bud now.
Three other girls were asked to cover up at the 1,200-person dance, the school said. See? It's practically a crisis already.
We can only pray that the next time a brazen young girl attempts to unleash part of her arm in a public place, putting hundreds of other, innocent teens at risk, someone just as fearless as those Lone Peak High School first responders will be there to answer the call.
[Photo: KUTV 2]
