Dog origins! Killer drugs! Sex fossils! Hot climate! Oldest microbes! Quantum computing! Electric crystals! Underwater islands! And our ever-changing tree canopy! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—from afar!

-Would you like to know exactly when and where dogs originated? I bet you would. It's mildly interesting, at least. If you're not a dog owner, then approach it in an abstract sense.

-Despite the objections of medical authorities, the FDA has approved a new opioid drug that's ten times more powerful than Vicodin. "What can I say, I love drugs," said the FDA, in the voice of a human— a high human, that is.

-One hundred sixty five million years ago, two bugs were doing sex. While they were doing it they got fossilized and now a scientist found the fossil. Hahahahahaha. Jesus, man. I would not want that to happen!

-They say 2013 was the seventh hottest year on record. Could be. I didn't keep track the whole time, myself. Started writing down the weather each day in January and then plumb just got tired of it some time in March. I do remember some hot days, and some cold ones. Considering my lack of solid recordkeeping over the year, I'll defer to the experts.

-Great, they found the oldest signs of life on Earth, ever, and it's a bunch of "microbe traces" that don't even speak English. Typical. You should try to order a meal these days without speaking Mexican. See for yourself.

-Quantum computing words words words words words words words. You have no fucking idea.

-To be perfectly frank, if I wanted to know about the latest developments in the electrical conductivity of crystals, I'd probably be wearing some sort of lab coat, rather than a Hefty bag with arm holes decorated with fliers that I pulled off of telephone poles. Get my drift, Poindexter?

-If rising sea levels submerged all of the world's islands until the whole concept of "island" was strange and alien, it would be kind of cool, wouldn't it? Because you saw islands before they were gone. You could lord that over others.

-Forests are changing. Okay. If forests aren't changing, that's when you need to worry. Molecules and atoms move all the time.

[Photo: Flickr]