Screw Amtrak, Here Are Nine Corporate "Writer's Residencies" We NeedS

Writers are toddlers. We're pampered, we cry about everything and we like choo-choos. When some of us cried that we should get to ride and write on Amtrak for free, Amtrak said "Okay!" So, fine: Here are more corporations whose largesse could give writers time and space to practice the craft:

1) The Uber Thomas Friedman Memorial Columnist Residency

Uber believes writers benefit from clear minds, tinted windows, Corinthian leather, and a driver who doesn't talk. Residencies between ten minutes and two hours are available in our specialized Escalades for $4,000 per mile on peak. Artists are invited to work on prose poems that focus on any four of the following: Mumbai, Dubai, innovatively irrigated golf courses, new tablet apps, STEM, MOOCs, merlots.

2) KBR Overseas Expeditionary Writer-in-Residence

This position is in Kuwait. Not Iraq or Afghanistan. Term of 12 months, stipend paid at the end, based on 60-hour workweek. Veterans preferred. Must have valid passport, surrendered to staffing manager upon airport arrival. All airfare to Kuwait (not Iraq or Afghanistan) fully paid, with one roundtrip ticket home and back to Kuwait, not Iraq or Afghanistan, at six-month point. Must know emergency attack and counterterrorism procedures. In case something happens. In Kuwait. Not Iraq or Afghanistan. Speakers of Iraqi Arabic, Dari or Pashto preferred. Primary consideration will be given to candidates with experience writing good news and seeing the positive in things.

3) The Medieval Times Royal Scribe Residency

Escape ye writerly grind. Be a king's scribe, complete with complimentary hair shirt, quille, parchmente, and all yon potato and leek soup ye may consume. Residencies run a fortnight, with candlelit lodgings provided in a dank keep adjacent to ye jousting horses' stables. Scribes stay free, an if they clean yon stables and entertain younge urchins with original poetics three tymes daily.

4) The Massey Coal Collapsed Mineshaft Residency

We appreciate writers who appreciate discretion and privacy. If you need time and space to finish a disaster porn story, reflect on rusticness for a special project, or simply get to know yourself better, take the journey of a lifetime down one of our shafts nestled in the idyllic hills of West Virginia. Residencies are free, but applicants must have open-ended availability. Pro-environment investigative reporters are especially encouraged to apply.

5) AT&T Cowboys Stadium Cage Dancers Residential Fellowship

We love sports. We love good writing about sports. We'd love to help you finish that longform sports article. Spend up to eight autumn weekends above it all in our customized perches, the perfect observation towers for the lyrically astute athletic portraitist. Free uniforms and party beads are provided; sharing is encouraged. All female writers over 5'11" and under 125 pounds will be considered.

6) The Batesville Casket Company Dignified Residency

Enjoy the stillness. So stately, so relaxing, you may never want to leave. And you never have to. Locations worldwide.

7) The Six Flags Over Georgia Ninja Roller Coaster Distinguished Writer Fellowship

This "rough" corkscrew behemoth is just the creative jolt you need. Fellowship is for six continuous months to write provocative reflections on the illusory distinctions between up and down, left, and right. Open to editorial staff of Thought Catalog, XO Jane, and Slate only.

8) Comcast Xfinity Reclining-Chair Writer's Retreat

Do you specialize in experimental or absurdist fiction? We'd like to help you escape the concrete jungle and clear your mind without ever having to leave home. For a nominal monthly honorarium (directly debited from your bank account), Comcast provides a 24/7 virtual community of support for artists. Simply dial 1-800-XFINITY, press 1, then 7, then 0-0-#, then your ZIP code plus #, your Social Security number (or existing account number) plus #, then 1-2-9-# for non-MFA graduates or 1-9-2-# for MFA graduates, then 6-7-3-9-* if your MFA degree was from a low-residency program, then #-#-#-# if you have a book under press, then select from the menu of options for plot, characters, or theme, then a qualified writing coach will assist you as soon as possible. Retreats can last for hours and be repeated indefinitely.

9) Chuck E. Cheese's Ball Pit Residency

No creeps.

[Photo credit: Ollyy/Shutterstock]