Damn. Surprising announcement from that guy I always figured you'd meet (somehow) and eventually marry. It seems comedian Seth Meyers is newly engaged. To someone else.
A rep for the couple—that is: the couple that consists of one part Seth Meyers and one part a woman you've never even met before—confirmed the engagement to Us Weekly. Alexi Ashe (the future Mrs. Seth Meyers) is a human rights lawyer—ironic considering she is now taking away your right to marry Seth Meyers at some point in the foreseeable future. The couple met in 2011 at a wedding, not unlike the wedding to Seth Meyers in which you always imagined you would have a starring role. There's Andy Samberg making a jokey toast in your mind's eye, employing, oh God, the private nickname he and Seth Meyers use for you; there's you holding court at every table, "So glad you could come, Ms. Wintour. Have you met Seth's friend Justin Timberlake?"; there's Will Ferrell wresting the mic away from the maid of honor and performing a rap of best wishes in the style of Ron Burgundy. We have fun.
A "source" whose manner of speaking is very peculiar and capable of conveying capital letters in speech told Us Weekly "[Seth's] known that she's The One for awhile, but it was all about timing."
Earlier this year it was announced that Meyers will take over as the host of Late Night when Jimmy Fallon moves to The Tonight Show in 2014.
Mazel tov to the happy couple, which I still can't believe does not include you.
What are we going to do with this new reality?
[Image via Getty]
To contact the author of this post, email firstname.lastname@example.org.