Shocking New Evidence Proves Satan Is Real and Lives In AmericaS

Is the Devil real? Yes, the Devil is real. Boston mobster James "Whitey" Bulger is actually Satan, according to the son of a man murdered by Bulger, and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia believes very strongly in a very real Lucifer. Deranged child star Miley Cyrus actually sold her soul to Old Scratch and even had sex with a lesser demon, according to a credible pair of religious broadcasters. And fresh-faced teenaged pop singer Ariana Grande says she is regularly visited in her bed by an immense black entity she identifies as the Devil—one time it even climbed atop her visiting girlfriend.

Unlike Jesus, absent since His execution nearly 2,000 years ago, the Devil seems busier than ever.

Massachusetts has a long tradition of accusing its own people of being Old Scratch—which likely comes from skrat, Middle English for "hermaphrodite goblin." Awaiting his prison sentence after being found guilty of 11 murders, gangland killer James "Whitey" Bulger was addressed as "Satan" by the son of one victim. And the way Bulger enjoyed torturing his many victims before killing them would meet most definitions of pure evil, but it takes a big "D" to make Devil.

Also, most sane people would say, the Devil is a make-believe scary monster from ancient tribal religions. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, of course, is completely out of his mind.

"I even believe in the Devil," Scalia told New York magazine writer Jennifer Senior. "Yeah, he’s a real person. Hey, c’mon, that’s standard Catholic doctrine! Every Catholic believes that .... I mean, Jesus Christ believed in the Devil! It’s in the Gospels!"

Scalia has spent a lot of time wondering why the Devil never seems to actually possess people or jump into a herd of pigs like the Devil once did to annoy Jesus, in the Gospels, and after rigorous analysis decided that the Horned One is more powerful than ever, because he is rapidly turning everyone into atheists.

The 20-year-old pop singer and Nickelodeon star Ariana Grande has much more compelling evidence for Satan's existence, even if she keeps deleting her pictures of the Slanderer because he looks so scary. Sometimes, Grande seeks out the Dark Woodsmen's lair in an old cemetery, but just as often he comes right to her, in bed.

"It was like a cloud of something black right next to me," the young singer told Complex Music. "I started crying .... It feeds on fear. I watched it move to the front of my bed and then I fell asleep on the phone. I woke up and it was gone. The next night my friend Tyler was staying with me. She said she was trying to sleep and her body felt paralyzed almost, and she described the same exact thing I saw."

Well, then.

Another young heathen singer with an alleged deal with the Devil is the desperate exhibitionist Miley Cyrus, according to a couple of highly credible right-wing Christian extremists. She also has sexual relations with demons, but apparently not with Satan himself, who hopefully limits his romances to people closer to his age.

"The American entertainment industry loves perverting the souls of innocent children," said a religious nut on the radio called Rick Wiles. "It is the work of the synagogue of Satan. Their latest poster child to recruit little Babylonians is Miley Cyrus."

Synagogue of Satan? That seems to be assuming quite a lot about the Devil's religion, doesn't it? Maybe it's too obvious to think Satan might be a Satanist, but who knows. Wiles also claimed Miley's gross underwear/tongue dance was actually an invocation of Kali the Destroyer, which is about the only thing that makes much sense.

The important thing to know is that the Devil is here and the Devil is busy. The devil might even be very near to you right now, if you have the childlike beliefs of a Supreme Court justice in America.

[18th Century woodcuts via Monster Brains.]