Toddlers Are the Only Americans Who Are Not ObeseS

Good news in the losing battle against America's obesity: a new report finds that, in the past decade, the obesity rate for kids aged two to five has plummeted by more than 40%. These toddlers are now the only Americans fit enough for military service.

Because here is the other news in that report, the part that did not make huge headlines:

16.9% of 2- to 19-year-olds and 34.9% of adults (age-adjusted) aged 20 years or older were obese...

Overall, there have been no significant changes in obesity prevalence in youth or adults between 2003-2004 and 2011-2012.

So: the past decade has seen a huge drop in obesity for kids aged two to five who are too young to even choose their own food. But there was absolutely no change in obesity for young people in general—or adults! Not a god damn difference! Only Americans under the age of five are gullible enough to fall for that Michelle Obama "plant a vegetable garden and do The Dougie" bullshit. The rest of us are old enough to realize it's much easier to eat those vegetables atop a Chipotle burrito while watching videos of other people doing The Dougie, on Youtube.

To the insane optimists who predict that healthier toddlers will grow up to be healthier adults: what happens when they grow up and discover waffle tacos? Keep dreaming!

[Photo: Flickr]