Monocle-Nucleosis Epidemic Strikes Nation's Trendiest People



On Thursday, the New York Times, America's controversial monocle pamphlet, made waves when it announced the sizzling new trend among monocles, which is: for people to be wearing them.

All across America, people's monocles popped off their faces and into their Brandy Alexanders with a humorous plop! (in some cases shattering inside them, which was not humorous at all because the presence of glass shards rendered the Brandy Alexanders undrinkable) when they heard the news that the monocle is regaining popularity. And the reason people were wearing those monocles that popped off in the first place is because monocles are popular again! Trends are an ourobouros and time is a flat circle, not unlike a monocle.

Of course, the Times piece hit all its expected marks, like a monocle rolling on its rim across an obstacle course specially designed for monocles: [ACCESSORIES], which were formerly popular with [WEALTH LEVEL] [PROFESSION] and lesbians from [CITY] in [ERA] have recently come back into vogue. [THIS MAN] owns a store that sells them and so does [THIS MAN]. You cannot buy them anywhere.

(Monocles; wealthy; Prussian military officers; London; the 1920s; James Berry; Ray Gallagher.)

Based on the Times write-up and what we can extrapolate from the knowledge that the monocle is a self-consciously precious accessory whose tenuous usefulness is hindered only by its concept and design, here is a list of the types of people who use monocles:

  • Aspirant rappers whose monocles fail to help them see the irony in bragging about the uniqueness of their personal style while giving interviews for trend pieces about the surging popularity of their personal style
"I got it just to have my own style, bring something new to the table," said Jose Vega, 23, an aspiring Miami rap musician who can be seen sporting a monocle on his SoundCloud page. "Also, I'm nearsighted."
  • Dandified African pirates from 400 years ago, time-traveled to modern-day South Africa
On a recent trip to Cape Town, Mr. Raymond said, he saw such a group carrying monocles along with tiny brass telescopes kept in satchels.
  • Restaurateurs who knowingly keep their restaurants inadequately lit; complainers
And At NoMad, a clubby restaurant in Manhattan, a monocle is offered to customers who complain that they can't read the menu in dim light.
  • People who painstakingly restore first generation iPods
  • People who mispronounce "Reading Rainbow"
  • People whose names end in –ert (Albert, Filbert, Dogbert, etc.)
  • People whose bespoke professions are coming back into fashion as unisex baby names (Harper, Cooper, Almanac Man)
  • People who purchase lead-based paint on the black market because it really makes the white pop
  • People who have a lot, like a LOT, of questions for the CVS sales associate about the ingredients in a $4 lip balm
  • People who take laudanum as a cough suppressant
  • People who buy Sparks "original recipe" (with the caffeine still in it) on eBay
  • People who ask their barbers to perform minor surgery in the pursuit of retro cool
  • Count von Count

[Art by Jim Cooke]