Read the First Depressing Excerpts From Farrah Abraham's Sex Novel

Backdoor Teen Mom Farrah Abraham is spending her 14th minute of fame promoting the first book in her Celebrity Sex Tape trilogy(!) of erotic novels, based on the "private" sex tape she made with porn star James Deen. Advance reader copies of In The Making have arrived, and they confirm what you already suspected: Life is suffering and everything is terrible.

Erotica expert Rachel Kramer Bussel, writing at The Frisky, spoiled a handful of painful-to-read scenes that hit on the main themes of Farrah's novel. To wit: "Other celebrities = lame; Farrah = fierce, independent sex warrior who is too good for the porn industry."

Here's a passage about the male costar character, who she trashes throughout the book and eventually punishes with (I am not making this up) colon cancer:

I'd certainly woken up and realized that Jimmy Heinz wasn't who I'd wanted him to be. He was a thirty-six-year-old porn star, who tried to do things outside of porn but would only ever be known for the use of his dick. He wasn't my Prince Charming. He wasn't even really stable, but he would be my on-screen heartthrob.

It reads like a poorly-disguised burn on James Deen—Jimmy Deen? Jimmy Heinz? Get it? Because food—who's 28 and not especially interested in "crossover" success. Farrah hasn't hidden her distaste for her two-time costar, once telling TMZ, "He should really just get out of the porn industry because things have gotten to his head, he disrespects women and his penis is small."

"And I hope he gets colon cancer," she added, fictionally.

Of course, Farrah only had positive things to say about her character, Fallon Opal:

My gaze went to Jimmy and I smiled, playing with my lingerie and infusing the feel of the video with the feeling that we'd been dating for a while. "Baby, come on, let's have some fun while you have the recorder on."

I held out my hand, no longer Fallon the actress. I was Fallon the best-selling celebrity sex tape star. The one to beat every other wanna-be celebrities before and after me. It was an act, a role to play…except this time I wasn't just fulfilling a role, I was revealing a side of myself no one else had seen before. It was also an act for Jimmy and everyone who could hear or sneak a peek into the condo. It was a show for the camera, all the watchers behind it and the people who would watch.

Later on, she's a "sex warrior" who does all the work on her porn shoot—a somewhat generous retelling of the real-life video—and then hits the showers to wash off the disgusting aura of adult film (the industry she would later write a three-novel series about participating in):

I retreated to the bathroom and stepped into the shower. It was a long day. It fucking started at sunup and I would still be fucking by sundown. I remembered with boyfriends, we would have sex all day and it was amazing—not exhausting. I was more than ready for a shower, I didn't do a bukkake scene but it felt like it. My body was swimming with Jimmy semen.

To recap: Swimming with Jimmy semen.

Read some more choice excerpts at the Frisky, including the solo sex scene that RKB rated as the hottest in the book.

Would you believe Farrah didn't have a ghost writer?

[H/T Uproxx, Photo: AP Images]