Campbell's Has a New Product For Every God Damn Food Trend

Food product conglomerate Campbell's is having a shaky year selling food products, which the company blames on a "seismic shift" in how people eat. Campbell's solution: to grab onto every last trendy food trend and ride those babies till the wheels fall off.

So, you people are tired of the "classics" such as Campbell's tomato soup and whatever other food products are most famous for being painted by a dead artist? Not to worry. The folks at Campbell's have been doing their homework. Trends? You like trends? They got trends. All the god damn trends.

Millennials? "At an investor day today, Campbell executives made plenty of mention of millennials, saying the younger customers want to eat and cook in different ways."

Juicing? "[The] marketer will launch a new range of V8 flavors that seek to seize on the juicing trends with varieties such as Carrot Mango, Healthy Greens and Purple Power, which is a veggie blend with beets."

Protein? "Seperately, V8 will try to capitalize on the protein craze with a new line of shakes and snack bars."

Greek Yogurt—now 4 kidz? "Bolthouse Farms Kids™... Fruit Tubes options will include Mango Meets Banana & Pineapple, Strawberry Meets Banana and Blueberry Meets Raspberry With Greek Yogurt."

If you're aware of any other foodstuffs that are experiencing a short-term upsurge in popularity, no matter how ill-deserved, contact the Campbell's corporation, and they will put that shit in a smoothie for you.

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