You'd think that smash hits like After Earth, The Smurfs 2, and That Other Spiderman Movie with Jamie Foxx in It would sell themselves. But with every Sony Pictures release comes a carefully tailored spin cycle—and if you look at the pitches, it's no wonder this studio is hurting.

The following slides are taken from a 34 gigabyte leak of internal Sony Pictures data, thrust out onto the internet by maybe-North-Korean-who-knows hackers, and obtained by Gawker. They have not been edited to look like dog shit, but were in fact designed this way by well-paid humans. That Sony Pictures is stumbling over itself financially pairs perfectly with the fact that its marketing team seems to have no idea how to market things, what people want, or what the word "theme" means.

There is the inane urge to categorize all artistic thought into bullet point-friendly "themes" that often reflect nothing about the actual movie:

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"Men's Issues/Potty Humor"

Here are some keen findings for The Smurfs 2:

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I think "food & man living in harmony" is the opposite of a Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs theme, but I am unfamiliar with the franchise at this point:

Some pointers surrounding After Earth, an embarrassing critical and commercial turd:

Maybe thinking of a movie as an "ecosystem of content and brand initiatives" is part of Sony's problem:

What?

Imagine typing this for a living:

More nouns:

Cool teens agree: "Smurf Fever" is contagious and "humor" is good:

Kids love memes:

ADHESIVES:

Ghosts 'n' goblins:

"Annie" is getting more consideration than the Bay of Pigs invasion:

The one interesting aspect of Elysium, which ended up sucking anyway, is exactly what Sony execs decided to downplay:

Anything vaguely political is seen as a liability across the board, even if integral to the plot of a film:

But at least, finally, Sony Pictures is determined that we find out why the Angry Birds are so angry:

I have no doubt the marketing materials at every other major studio are similarly moronic and clueless, but when your own employees are ashamed of the trash sandwiches you're distributing, this must sting more.