This week, the New York Times made great strides in establishing itself as the paper of record of butts, publishing not one but two articles dedicated to the issue. One was about how men crave plump, juicy booties to fill out their dad jeans. The other: an ode to the dad jeans themselves, filled to bursting with men's plump, juicy booties.
"'Dad Jeans' Are Making a Comeback," the paper declared, doing an excellent impression of your dad "riffing" at the breakfast table while you nod, disinterested, and wait for him to take a breath so that you can ask for $20.
"...[F]or those willing to push the envelope, dad jeans are one way to stand out at a Bushwick loft party."
"Dad jeans," defined by the New York Times as "lighter-blue 'washed' denims, often with a looser fit and a higher waist" and by your father as "my jeans," are presented in the meditation as a conscious rebellion against skinny jeans.
They are described multiple times using variations of the phrase "full thigh.” They are "practical.” They are "roomier.” They were worn by Kanye West "during fashion weeks in New York and Paris."
But, O! cries the paper. O! be weary ye travelers barreling recklessly down the fashion freeway, for at this early stage, the wearing of dad jeans by non-dads remains an affectation strictly reserved "for those willing to push the envelope."
Should you wish to push that envelope further, all the way off the precipice of the Cliff of Good Taste, where it will be whipped away by the wind and flutter silently to a beach strewn with the sun-bleached skulls of your forefathers and their forefathers, all the way back to the very first "Duh-aaaad!" here are some other suggestions of father-favored garments you might consider incorporating into your daring look:
- Colorful t-shirts that commemorate a previous vacation by listing its location in an all-caps varsity letter font
- Sleeveless gray tank top to wear on weekends
- Humongous version of a child's strappy velcro sandal
- Dark blue dress pants but you pair them with a faded t-shirt with a hole in it when you get home because this shirt is comfortable and what am I gonna do, get sauce all down the front of my work shirt?
- Tommy Bahama
- Sunglasses dangled from the fleshy-V that forms when you leave the top two buttons of a button-down unfastened
- Khakis, paired with a white dress shirt and a tan tie (no jacket)
- Baggy cargo shorts approximating gauchos
- Thick brown belts
- A cape made of your father's skin that you wear like a poncho
- A visor
- A Gap crewneck sweater that is 30 years old
- A giant watch and every time someone asks you what time it is, you respond "Time for you to get a watch" and nothing further
[Image via Getty]
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