REPORTING LIVE FROM INSIDE THE TAMPA CONVENTION CENTER—Day one of the Great Republican Convention of 2012 has arrived, and here we are bright and early inside the belly of the beast, to give you, the Real Americans, an inside glimpse at this most vital of American political institutions.

TAMPA, Fla.— This, like every presidential election, is the Most Important Presidential Election of your lifetime. This, like every presidential election, is a contest of unparalleled importance between candidates of previously unencountered contrasts to decide the Most Important Issues we have ever seen. Forget what…

Before allowing local reporters in Denver to conduct one-on-one interviews with Mitt Romney, his camp made reporters promise not to ask him any questions about Rep. Todd Akin of "Legitimate Rape" fame or abortion in general.

Despite losing the financial backing of the National Republican Senatorial Committee and Karl Rove's powerful American Crossroads Super PAC, Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) appears to be charging ahead undaunted in his effort to unseat Sen. Claire McCaskill in the upcoming election.

In a scathing op-ed penned for Rolling Stone magazine, Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello has some sharp-witted fun with GOP VP candidate Paul Ryan's publicly professed appreciation for his band.

Ryan, the 42-year-old Congressman from Wisconsin (Yes, -R), appears to be the favorite choice as Mitt Romney's Veep Boy. He's definitely the most viral.

While frequenting a strip club in San Francisco last night, retired porn star Jenna Jameson took the opportunity to endorse Mitt Romney for President.

In response to a recent pledge by major Romney backer Sheldon Adelson to give the GOP presidential candidate as much as $100 million for his fight against the incumbent, comedienne Sarah Silverman has made a rather blunt counter-proposal: If the casino magnate promises to donate to Obama instead, she will don a bikini…

After a brutal year of female-alienating policy debates, the GOP has settled on a message it apparently thinks will appease the ladies: "Don't Let Barack Obama & Democrats Insult Women, MOMS DO WORK!" The mug-friendly slogan is, of course, an outgrowth of Ann Romney's war against left-leaning pundit Hilary Rosen, who…

Ann Romney joined Twitter last night, apparently to retaliate against CNN talking head Hilary Rosen, who criticized Ann by saying she "never worked a day in her life." @AnnDRomney has tweeted twice so far:

Republican Senate hopeful Barry Hinckley recently debuted an ad today in which his cute 5-year-old son Hudson explains the economy. Today Fox News host Neil Cavuto invited the father-son duo on his TV show, where the toddler ventriloquism took a horror movie turn.

Mitt Romney's tax returns are out, and so we've learned the truth: Mitt Romney is a rich person. Hadn't you always suspected? And because the first thing you want to be reading this Tuesday in January is a description of tax forms, here's your guide to Romney, his taxes, and the political effects thereof.

Here's Mitt Romney's first television ad! It is fantastic, in the sense that it manages to encapsulate, in the span of one minute, the entire Romney "brand": boring, wrong, nonspecific and slightly dishonest. (It's not so fantastic in the "at all engaging to watch" sense.)

Remember when a Mitt Romney political action committee received a $1 million donation from "W Spann LLC," a mysterious company that was created in March and dissolved in July? And we all thought it was al Qaeda or Dr. Claw or someone? Turns out it was just a regular old rich guy!

The underdog at the top put on his special rapture glasses and announced his campaign bid to 10,000—or was it 15,000?—of his closest friends in Atlanta, spreading the message of "shucky ducky" and showering the crowd with love. He also says he's that he's not running for "second," but fourth.

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee won't run for president! The Fox News host, who led in several polls released over the last few months, said it was a "spiritual decision," which we think means he used a Ouija board.

This is a video of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney telling an audience in New Hampshire on Wednesday that Republicans are "going to hang" Barack Obama—and then immediately catching himself. So you see: Romney only wants to hang Obama metaphorically. Which is, sad to say, a good thing, insofar as it's…

Squinty boor Donald Trump has secured a crucial endorsement! Gary Busey, the wild-eyed actor and celebrity apprentice, is not only campaigning for Trump, but has created an acronymic "Busey-ism" in support of the candidate: "Taking Redirection, Understanding Massive Power." Poetic and political!

Rick Santorum is backing away from the campaign slogan featured on the website for his exploratory committee, "Fighting to Make America America again," after it was pointed out to him that it was first made famous in a pro-union poem by the gay poet Langston Hughes.

Click to viewFormer Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is trying too hard again: The Republican, who hasn't officially announced his presidential candidacy, told CNN's Piers Morgan "I'm running for president" only to have his spokesman Alex Conant quickly downplayed the statement, saying "He will have a formal…