Running for president doesn’t have to be this hard: Today Donald Trump posted a campaign poster of sorts to Twitter. It features a stylized graphic of the American flag overlaid across Trump’s face, the hashtag #MakeAmericaGreatAgain, a plea to “put the U.S. back into business!” aaaaaaand a stock image of what appears…
In 1996, C.J. Phillips met Charlie Rainwater and fell in love, as young self-identified “doggy dudes” do. Now, they’d like to have a polite, civil conversation—about their right to love each other, and anything else that’s vexing you. Which is why they parked a lovely website on the domain jebbushforpresident.com.
For presidential primogeniture artist John Ellis “Jeb” Bush, distancing himself from the family name is only half the battle: He must appear to embrace the youngs as tightly as Napoleon appeared to embraced the plague-stricken poor. Fortunately, his website coders had a plan. The youngs love Bruce Willis, right?
Duggars be damned: It turns out presidential Easter ham Mike Huckabee has another alleged child molester in his coterie. A prolific co-author of Huck’s and other Christian moralists’ books left his church and escaped prosecution when the statute of limitations ran out on his alleged sexual assaults of a young girl.
Some competitors thrive on being the underdog. Some find humor and vigor in humiliating setbacks. And some are just glass-jawed failure artists, their piled losses more befitting than any theoretical small victory. Rick Santorum is the latter, having reached mediocrity’s apogee while eating lunch alone on Monday.
People forget today that George W. Bush first ran for president as a “compassionate conservative” because it was novel to do so: Most conservatives openly acknowledged that they were pricks by 2000. Like George’s brother Jeb, who wrote in 1995 of wanting society to attach a “sense of ridicule” to single parenting.
Did you go to a fratty mid-Atlantic college in the late ’90s, have a Bob Marley blacklight poster, and squee to MTV Party to Go Platinum Remix while drinking Red Stripe at parties? Congratulations, Dawson! You know as much about rap as Marco Rubio, Fox News rap correspondent.
The news broke in time for South Floridians to read it on their phones while stopped for a frigging accident on the frigging Golden Glades just a couple frigging blocks from work. Marco Rubio, their senator and beige Buick-steering soulmate, is as shitty a driver as them. His wife is even worse:
Rick Perry’s presidential campaign launched today on the premise that you don’t need to be able to count to three as long as you can push the red button. But amid his militaristic orgy of self-praise, dumb media people had a dumb media argument about the emo twins flanking Perry. Caitlyn Jenner was involved.
He’s in! He’s got a website where he flaunts his geeker glasses and salutes a lot. Presumably he’s been working on his mnemonics, but hopefully not. Oh, happy day. Happy happy day. 2016, brothers. We will ride through the gates of Valhalla shiny and chrome. Witness me!
Bobby Jindal launched a presidential exploratory committee today, because hey, that’s what you do. Presumably he’ll be exploring outside the state he governs, because as much as Louisianans hate Democrats and Obummer, they hate Bobby more, a new poll shows.
Faithful Gawker readers and generally literate Americans already know Marco Rubio is a mouth-breathing spoiled moron who will not be president. But do they know the glorious ways in which he illustrated his crass ineptitude and cynicism this week? Let us count them:
“I do not come to you tonight with the ability to speak Spanish,” Mike Huckabee, once and future presidential pork product, told a Hispanic group in a speech Wednesday night. “But I do speak a common language. I speak Jesus.”
Imagine a drama kid—without good looks, singing or dancing ability, who wants to be president, is pretty sure your opinions suck, and thinks you’re an idiot. You just imagined a college parliamentary debater. And who do college parliamentary debaters think are irritating, pitiful jagoffs? In the 1990s, it was Ted Cruz…
A lot of people in the United States don't know anything about soon-to-be ex-senator Marco Rubio of Florida, which means he theoretically still has a chance to be president, the same way the Philadelphia Phillies can still theoretically win this year's pennant. It will not last, and it will never have been realistic.
Or an upside-down American flag teardrop. Either way, God bless the U.S.A. and her patriotic defenders!
It's official, Ted Cruz is running for president and he hopes to earn your support—you can tell by this lovely video he tweeted along with the message, "I'm running for President and I hope to earn your support!."
As the next step in his journey towards possibly considering running for president (maybe) Jeb Bush has resigned from all his remaining non-profit and business board memberships, the Associated Press reports. Happy 2016!
In a profile by The National Journal's Marin Cogan, former Democratic Governor Brian Schweitzer reveals he has a special talent — for sniffing out gays. "Don't hold this against me, but I'm going to blurt it out," he told Cogan after she asked about former Majority Leader Eric Cantor's recent primary defeat.
"He would literally say...'God has told me I'm chosen to cut taxes and stop killing babies,' even in casual conversation." This is the nicest thing anyone has to say about Scott Walker, who will never be president, in Alec MacGillis' TNR profile of the Wisconsin governor.
