"If you choose to attack me again may I suggest something witty about me creating the show Yes Dear or just simply a joke about the fact that I’m bald. Both true.

"As far as you being psychotic, anyone who thinks NBC wouldn’t do everything they could to promote a great show like 30 Rock, which they own, over a show like My Name is Earl, which they don’t, is a tad nutty.

"Good luck with the Emmys and don’t forget to tune in for the one hour season premiere of My Name is Earl September 25th."

I asked Garcia how it was so many blogs had decided he was a Scientologist. "It started with a story in [the London] Mirror," he said, which had pronounced him a Scientologist because several Earl cast members are Scientologists. "It amused me and, since then, it's just become common knowledge. But I am in fact born and raised Catholic."

Irving Azoff, the manager of numerous high-profile acts including the Eagles, says that a few years ago he presented the band with a financial analysis showing that their royalties to date from iTunes sales were far lower than anyone expected.

Guitarist Glenn Frey did some back-of-the-envelope math of his own. "His comment was that it amounted to 39 minutes on stage in Kansas City," Mr. Azoff recalls with a chuckle.

Ha, and you know they don't pay much in Kansas City! Now there's a budding backlash, as some record labels look for ways to return to the days of selling entire albums, which are much more lucrative than those singles that iTunes mandates. Kid Rock managed to sell 1.7 million copies of his latest album without iTunes, on the strength of his godawful execrable derivative single, "All Summer Long." Christ.

Of course, you shouldn't forget who the main alternative to iTunes is: Wal-Mart, where rock and roll lives. So here's what will happen: iTunes will continue to dominate, but slowly lose market share to other players in the digital music space. Downloads are here to stay. Wal-Mart will continue to dominate the market for people who desire CDs of horrible, trite songs like "All Summer Long." When the CD market totally dries up, Wal-Mart will figure out how to dominate the digital space and become a major competitor with iTunes. One day far in the future, some brilliant young person will figure out how to translate the business sensibility that made indie record stores great onto the internet. Till then, bow to iTunes and like it.

[WSJ]

SUNDAY

Mad Men: Hurts So Good
The Lowdown: A drama produced by Sopranos alum Matthew Wiener, Mad Men, now in its second season, is a detailed look at the Madison Avenue ad world of the early 1960's and the lives in its orbit.
What People Will Say: "Not as good as the first season." "Too slow." "Too sad." "I don't get it." "Who cares about their families, let's show more fucking." Similar stuff to the Sopranos detractors who foolishly didn't like the show as much when it went on a more philosophical bent toward the end of its run.
What You Should Say: "It's still great! I'm sick of people crying shark-jumping too soon." Yes it is unbearably sad some (most) of the time, but it's a show that is more profoundly About Something than most movies today, let alone television. The over-analysis on blogs and whatnot is getting to be a bit much (heh), but the show itself is a beguiling and slightly off-center work of art.
[Returning. 10pm, AMC, Airing now]

True Blood: Six Feet Over
The Lowdown: Doing some direct Dexter competition with his former Six Feet Under star Michael C. Hall, creator Alan Ball brings us a dark and bloody Southern Gothic vampire tale.
What People Will Say: "It's so dark and hip and cool and totally warped man."
What You Should Say: Well, we're not exactly sure yet. Its relentless advertising has gotten a bit tiresome, but the pedigree is certainly there. Though, even if you never read a review, you can definitely say "Anna Paquin is annoying" with assurance.
[New. 9pm, HBO, Sept. 7]

MONDAY

Gossip Girl: It's Hip! And Annoying!
The Lowdown: We don't talk about it much on the site, I mean not as much as we like breathe or blink or whatever, but it is on our minds from time to time. Basically it's a series about rich New York City kids—some of them girls, some of them gay—who do fake-bad things like do drugs and have sex.
What People Will Say: "It's crap!" "It's garbage!" "It's silly and/or offensive!" Or: "It's silly/offensive crap garbage that's a wicked guilty pleasure." The former assessments come from Philistines with no sense of joy. The latter, from people who think they get the joke but don't.
What You Should Say: "Fuck off, there's nothing guilty about it. I'm just keeping up with the times." Yes the show is not "well made" all the time, and yes it features the acting stylings of a glorified sex robot, but it's also trendy and au courant and it's what the kids (well, a few million of them) are watching. And there's no shame in that. Why curl up into a Havishamish ball and let the bright world forget you? Stay with it! "Plus, Blair's fashions are totes fun to gawp at."
[Returning. 8pm, The CW, Sept. 1]

The Hills: Zombies Are Scary
The Lowdown: Dim, cork-filled Angelenos wander around sun-dappled real estate, letting their blithe spirits mash up against each other in this MTV reality Gymnopédie.
What People Will Say: "Vapid, gutless trash. Won't someone please think of the children???" Or, again, "GUILTEE PLEAZURR!!1!"
What You Should Say: Similar to the Gossip Girl angle, except you could add a little dash of social studies revolutionary spice to it. "I have to know my enemy in order to destroy it." That kind of thing. You should be careful to note Lo's bitchiness and either think it's kicky good fun or despise it. Also, any time you are asked who your favorite character is, there are only two acceptable answers: Whitney (bovine, out to lunch, sad, enigmatic) or Doug (his grandfather invented frozen burritos or something.)
[Returning, unfortunately. 10pm, MTV, airing now]

TUESDAY

90210: Out With the Old, In With the Ew
The Lowdown: Another CW teen bitch fest, this one is a "reimagining" of the seminal 90's series about the rich and troubled kids of West Beverly (Hills) High.
What People Will Say: "My cherished memories are tarnished!" Or, "How could this be done to us, wasn't the first one bad enough??" Other Nancy Naysayer stuff like that.
What You Should Say: "It could be interesting to see if this is what bursts the teen bubble." It could go either way. 90210 might hook its star to Gossip Girl's (admittedly wobbly-wheeled) wagon and find some buzzy success, or it could be a terrific flop. Also say things like "Shenae Grimes was only so-so on Degrassi," if you want to horrify and yet strangely intrigue potential mates. Also throw in a "I can't believe Jessica Walter agreed to be on it, though! How's that Arrested Development movie coming along anyway?"
[New. 9pm, The CW, Sept. 2]

Fringe: What?
The Lowdown: It's the X-Files as done by Alias and Lost wunderkind J.J. Abrams.
What People Will Say: "Look, Joshua Jackson isn't dead."
What You Should Say: "My face hurts."
[New. 9pm, Fox, Sept. 9]

WEDNESDAY

Top Design: Now Oldham Free!
The Lowdown: This is the second season of the Jonathan Adler-related interior design competition show. The first season was bizarre and off-tone, but now those, um, magical Magical Elves are taking the reins so there may be hope.
What People Will Say: "There is too much of this reality stuff, I am so tired of this." "'See you later, decorator' is a terrible catchphrase."
What You Should Say: "I agree, care for a refresher on that Tom Collins?"
[Returning, sort of. 10pm, Bravo, Sept. 3]

America's Next Top Model: Why We Can't Have Nice TV
The Lowdown: This is the worst television show ever made. Tyra Banks is a monster.
What People Will Say: "It's so bitchy and trashy and fun! Tyra's fierce in a hilarious way."
What You Should Say: "This is the worst television show ever made. Tyra Banks is a monster. My face hurts. Oh, but, how's that tranny doing?"
[Returning, endlessly. 8pm, The CW, Sept. 3]

THURSDAY

Kath & Kim: The Dingo Ate My Good Show
The Lowdown: An import of a classic Australian sitcom, Kath & Kim stars two likable actresses (Molly Shannon and Selma Blair) behaving badly and mugging for the camera. Part of NBC's continued efforts to reinstate a Thursday night "Must See TV" comedy block.
What People Will Say: "Oh, rubbish. This is nowhere near as good my precious, precious foreign version." Or, "I don't get it. Where are the men?"
What You Should Say: "I will watch for Molly Shannon, because she is wonderful and deserves a huge career and lots of awards. Plus it will be interesting to see how NBC fares, given all the trouble surrounding this show." Or, "Hush up about your damn foreign shows, this is AMERICA. Don't tread on it or leave it, buster."
[New. 9:30pm, NBC, Oct. 9th]

30 Rock & The Office: Yes, Please
The Lowdown: Two exquisitely funny shows, both ended with bang-up finales. Michael is a daddy, sort of! Dwight and Angela! Jim and Pam! Liz Lemon wants a baby!
What People Will Say: Inevitably, I'm sure: "They've jumped the shark, no one cares about ____'s plotline." (Specifically for The Office.) Everything was so much better before."
What You Should Say: "Cram it with walnuts, ugly. The Office was good as it's ever been last season, and 30 Rock is so stupendously brilliant it makes, well, my face hurt. Tracy Morgan for president."
[Returning. 8:30 & 9pm, NBC, '30' Oct. 30th (ugh!) 'Office' Sept. 25]

FRIDAY & SATURDAY
Get the hell out of the house.

The next season will send Bret and his ladies hurtling across this great nation of ours in a tour bus, while he rocks out with his melted pencil eraser cock out. And they're casting in New York and Hoboken (founded, five hundred years ago, by hobo Ken.) The cattle call is below. I urge you to audition ladies. Your lives and livers will be forever changed.

Stephen Witt, a reporter from the New York Post-owned Courier-Life chain, seized the microphone to try his hand at stand-up comedy during the delay.

“What do you know about Brooklyn 99-cent stores?” asked Witt, who last made headlines for hugging Atlantic Yards developer Bruce Ratner at a 2006 rally. “Have you ever been so broke that you had to put something on lay-away at a 99-cent store?”

Witt’s quip was met with boos...

“It was just awkward, and I feel kind of embarrassed for him,” said one woman, who said she saw Witt consuming alcohol before his artistic contribution to the evening.

And look, there's a clip!

[Brooklyn Paper]

"Do you ever feel like very event, every happening in the city is just one giant photo op?" I ventured. (Yes, there was an open bar.)

"There's this giant beast that needs to be fed," he said. "Back in the '70s, nobody interviewed photographers. It was bad enough that they were interviewing rock stars. Not that I'm saying you're interviewing me. But I'm not going to—I mean, I have an eighteen-year-old daughter. I'm not going to judge her world... You live in a good time, love," he said, patting my arm. "I don't even enjoy hanging around with people my age, anyway."

Sloane Crosley was the lone female judge, along with Mick, watch designer Matthew Waldman, and Riley John of Surface. As an uber book publicist and newly published author, one might assume fashion ties to be tenuous at best. You'd be wrong: she was wearing a very chic bow-tie halter and red glasses. I inquired as to this bold choice:

"At first I thought [my glasses] would be too ironic, or something, but whatever. Without them, I can't see shit!"

Someone shoved the boom mic towards her face to judge the fashion parade: "Although I applaud the use of the breast-pillow," she said of one model's outfit, "I'm going to have to go with the other one."

"There's just something about the jock strap on the head," Mick Rock contributed, in-between canoodling with a young, drunk-looking blonde.

(Someone needs to say something about the New York version of the Stoli Hotel: it's kind of a shithole. I mean, we get it: we're living in a brand extension. Unfortunately, the physical world of this specific brand is a weird cavernous affair with concrete floors and cheap, tacky Stolichnaya-vodka-red visual themes. It's also not a hotel. There's no coat-check. And the restrooms are in a trailer, like at the state fair or a construction site. It rocks back and forth disconcertingly, like you're on a boat.)

That said, one should always remember the old adage: don't look a gift open bar in the mouth.

Larry Tee!


Mick Rock tells Sheila McClear about Mick Jagger.






Judges, from left to right: author and publicist Sloane Crosley, Matthew Waldman of Nooka, and Riley John of Surface.

First I was aghast at the call and thought Baldwin was an awful person, despite having loved a lot of his work hosting SNL (Bill Brasky sketch! Canteen Boy's scout master!). Then after the subject came up with friends a few times I decided I was probably being too judgmental, since divorces can be emotionally torturous and since Baldwin seemed remorseful. Then I saw 30 Rock and was officially a fan.

But this clip kind of takes some of the luster off the guy again for me. Why can't he just say "it's totally wrong" to berate your 11-year-old daughter that way and then leave it at that? He talks about how terrible the divorce and custody fight was, how terrible it was that the tape leaked, how all these other smart people he knows lose their tempers with their kids, and how the media made things so much worse. And then he said a key lesson in the whole thing is to be nicer to his daughter on voicemail.

Baldwin's behavior, in this one case, was appalling. By pointing fingers and sounding less than entirely repentant he makes it harder to laugh along with his often-incredible moments as an actor.

God I wish I could comment on your gay blog...your commenters are fucking dorks and complete retards if they thought the last couple of episodes were genius. The last episode was so poorly written I was aghast. I dont believe there was even a semblance of a joke made through out the entire episode. Plot is stupid and non-sequitur, jokes are gay and stupid, Alec Baldwin is being wasted with this crappy material, which I cant even dignify by saying its trite or hackneyed, because most of the time it doesn't even make sense...Also, whats up with all the lame ass vh1/human giant/arbitrary humor/hipster comedians that are on this show? Tina Fey's jokes are completely nerdy and the type crap gay urban liberal art school grad white people would like....fuck this show and fuck your commenters. I applaud Robert Bianco for being a contrarian in an ocean of diarrhea that is the media that loves this truly awful show. ...Yes I know its completely pathetic that I would get this angry over a tv show, but its like the time back in college when everybody on my dorm room floor thought Armageddon was good...I basically made it my project to explain to each individual scene by scene why it was so absolutely terrible. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

In fact, Mr. Carlos auditioned for the [30 Rock] Toofer role five times with NBC producers, but Keith Powell, a graduate of New York University's Tisch School of the Arts, landed the part. "I heard later there was some regret about that," Mr. Carlos said with a shrug. "The character now dresses the same way I do, and they kind of used the template I had in my audition tapes to make the character. I was like, that sucks. I mean, I would kind of like to make some money off of that." (NBC representatives declined to comment on Mr. Carlos's observations.)

Well, maybe he can get a job writing for the Daily Show?

Mr. Carlos spoke at a panel on race and comedy in Chicago with Lizz Winstead, the co-creator of The Daily Show. "She said, 'Well, in a perfect world I would hire staff writers of color.' I was like, 'Well, it is your perfect world; you can do whatever you want.' But it's the nature of the biz for people to hire their friends, hire whoever they want."

[NYO]

Here he is doing [UPDATE: Some recent stuff]. Decent!

There was a girl who ate a cockroach.

A real cockroach?
Well, they used chocolate cockroaches. But during a close-up, they made her hold a real one up to her lips. And then they didn't even show that part! Poor thing. For me — you probably saw glimpses of this — there was a ''stick dance.'' On set they'd told us my adversary was a very sweet girl, and I was [directed to be] raunchy, slapping my ass and everything. Then they had me shoot it again by myself. And you know that video by Whitesnake? I did that.

You did your best Tawny Kitaen?
Crawling, cooter slam, flipping the hair, the whole thing. It was awesome.

Should I ask the definition of ''cooter slam''?
Oh, a cooter slam is when you jump in the air, and you land into a split. You don't just find the split. You jump in the air, open your legs, and...Slam!

MILF Island was woven throughout 30 Rock's post-writers-strike premier. In this scene, TV executive Jack Donaghy recounts DeBorah's background as a "struggling artist living in LA:"

Also in the Entertainment Weekly article, Goodwin brainstormed some ideas for a spinoff, including one in which DeBorah does "all these serious interviews, but always half-naked."

If MILF Island really does get turned into a spinoff, pray that a comic writer like Tina Fey gets her hands on the concept before the reality television guys do. Pray hard.

[Entertainment Weekly]

Mr. Metcalf said that the family-hour designation should be seen as offering “direction for program development,” not “black-and-white expectations” for the audience.

“It was not to be construed as a return to a strictly defined family hour,” he said, featuring wholesome shows like “Little House on the Prairie,” a hit on NBC in the late 1970s and early ’80s.

Below, a brief reminder of what NBC's not-so-"strictly-defined" family hour now looks like. It was kind of bizarre to slot 30 Rock into a family hour to begin with.

[Times]

Update: Hulu embed isn't working. Ugh. Here's a link to the episode instead.

In the recording, Pellicano brags about having obtained a police report he should not posses — one of the tactics at the center of the trial.

He reads the report's description of the alleged rape to Rock, who alters his prior description of exactly how he consummated the encounter: "I had a rubber on. I probably took it off right when I was getting ready to come. I probably came on her ass." This section is lengthy, if you're interested go to the original on HuffPo and start around 13:30..

Pellicano advises Rock, "You have to change your story now, that you came on her leg." Then he calls the comedian "honey," as he does repeatedly throughout the recording.

Then things start to get a little sketchy. Rock said he gave the woman money, even though he did nothing wrong. Pellicano said he should not have done so, but "we're going to take care of her one way or another, down the pike. The world turns, if you understand what I mean."

Finally, the conversation gets nasty.

Pellicano: I will just blacken this girl up for you left and right... it's going to get done.

Rock: Rape it's, just, fucking buzz... once you get accused of rape you are just fucked.

Pellicano: That's why I wanted to black this girl up totally. I want to make her out to being a lying scumbag, manipulating, cocksucker, so that all that could ever come back to her is that.

Someone (HuffPo says Pellicano): Stupid bitch.

Rock: I'm fucked. I'm better getting caught with fucking needles in my arm. I really am. WAY better. Needles, with pictures, there's Chris Rock shooting heroin. Much better blow to the career.

In the full audio recording, Pellicano is even more unlikable, screaming and cursing like a lunatic at his secretary, absurdly lecturing Rock about his film career, constantly reminding the comedian what a favor he's doing him and constantly calling Rock him "babe" and "honey." For most of the call, Rock sounds annoyed and aloof, if shifty about his story. But however annoyed he might sound, he is the one who hired this guy.

Full audio on Huffington Post: Chris Rock And Anthony Pellicano's Secret Phone Call: The Tryst, The Tissue Of DNA And All The Details

Lee Abrams has an exciting theory about culture: "NEWS & INFORMATION IS THE NEW ROCK N ROLL." Remember how awesome ROCK N ROLL was in the 20th century? That's how awesome NEWS & INFORMATION will be in the 21st century.

Lee Abrams realizes that sometimes famous people have said things better than he ever could. That's why he signs off his introductory memo like this: "instead of reading about the doom and gloom, check out these quotes." It's hard to pick just one out of the 60 he included, but number 40 from Pablo Picasso &mdash "Every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction" &mdash really speaks to future of Tribune Co.

I love how this guy thinks. Who cares he's a self-described "economic dunce." What does money have to do with current state of journalism? He's got it all worked out: "If Tribune properties turn users into fans ... the revenue WILL skyrocket. That I know." Seriously, Tribuners, don't freak out. The revenue WILL skyrocket. He knows THAT.

Lee Abrams is so awesome he isn't even afraid of the Osama Bin Laden: "Terrorists don't scare me...a dumb America is frightening."

I bet this guy totally loves Vampire Weekend.

Band: Vampire Weekend
Look: "Paul Simon circa 'The Graduate.'"

Band: Beirut [pic via NY Mag]
Look: "French intellectual meets Bulgarian farmer." [THEN GETS BEAT UP, HA!]

Band: Deerhunter
Look: "If Kurt C. met Karen O."

Band: Grizzly Bear
Look: "Williamsburg prep: boat shoes for everyone!"

Delightfully, Ojala gave an interview to Guitar Player about his method and motivation. Sez he:

I pick artists who are considered great guitar players. Then I'm looking for facial expressions and lots of showing off. My favorite parts are when an artist is at his limits, and you can see it on his face. Then, when I overdub, I like to leave the licks unfinished, over-bend, come up with stupid arpeggios, and throw in a borrowed riff or two.

I once met a girl at the dance club below One on One...forget what it was called. I'm not much for picking up girls at clubs, but I was playing wing-man for a recently single friend and decided to play along. I went with the "Everything In Common" approach, wherein I had "Everything In Common" with my chosen victim (target?). She was a graphic designer, and OMG, so was I (I'm a marketing manager). She went to Pace, as did I (NYU, bitches). We also liked indie rock (alternative), summer on Long Island (Hell no), and Vodka (Whisky). We went back to my place for some post-bar coitus, and it went swimmingly. As we wrapped up and had awkward-stranger-after-sex-chatter, I straight out told her I lied about mostly everything I told her (including my name), and what do you know? She had twisted a few things as well. Our mutual bullshittery and moderately good (albeit drunken) sex was like a match made in heaven, and we're still dating a year later.