That's right, if the network had no faith in her when she was just a writer at Saturday Night Live who wanted to take over Weekend Update, now is the time that she's turning the knife in their side. Just watch.

"She's just a writer with zero performing experience." Good thing no one listens to those idiots at the network, because if Lorne Michaels never put her on the air, we never would have gotten 30 Rock, and then there wouldn't be even one show worth watching on the network.

Just as putting Tina on air was a great idea, putting Liz Lemon on air is an inversely horrible idea. Everyone knows this, even Jack. However, he is willing to see his cost-cutting experiment through to the end, and he has to do it without losing money. It may be reaching a little bit, but this smacks of The Jay Leno Show. Everyone thinks this bastard brainchild of studio heads is going to be a legendary catastrophe but the bullheaded network goes through with it anyway, thinking it can make some money. And what happens? Well, disaster.

Also a bit of a mess was Tracy, and this week he was trying to win Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony awards—even if he has to steal them from Whoopi Goldberg (one of only ten people to accomplish the feat).

Sure the joke might have been made at Whoopi's expense for her Daytime Emmy (she actually has two) win for The View, but the joke wasn't really on her. Oh, speaking of The View, Sherri Shepherd was on last night too. She's also a cohost on Barbara Walter's daytime reach around. Wait, what channel is that on? Oh, ABC! Way to give another network all that free advertising. They better write Kathie Lee Gifford into an upcoming episode or the network isn't going to buy Tina Fey's ham anymore.

Speaking of Ms. Fey, she was on fire last night. The shoot for her Dealbreakers opening credits had nothing to do with NBC, but if looking good is the best revenge, then being hysterical is sure a close second. Enjoy!

There's backlash of course. This week programs across the network are creating stories that deal with environmental issues. Sure, the show complied (unplug your chargers and change your lightbulbs—servicey!), but not without biting the hand that feeds it.

First, Jack and Kenneth make fun of this silly little program. Sure, it reads as making fun of people who don't believe in global warming, but the show could have just made the directive to cut carbon emissions from GE headquarters instead of going the meta route and having a show about how NBC is making shows talk about environmental stuff.

When Kenneth goes into Jenna's dressing room to make her unplug her chargers, he comes armed with a silly pamphlet the network has put out. It features a quote from an actress who is barely known from a show that is barely on the air and with a bun that barely makes any sense. What a way to make fun of corporate propaganda.

Aside from Friday Night Lights we saw lots of making fun of other NBC shows last night, also getting hit were Heroes and The Cosby Show. At least the network is a good enough sport to give them clearance to dog on their shows.

And while we're at it, another observation: When did 30 Rock get so gay? Between Jenna's gaggle of gays, the funny gays in line at the Hugh Jackman event, and Liz's gay cop roommate this season has been mighty queer. It's like Cheyenne Jackson demanded the up they gay quotient by 15% before he would sign his contract.

Ok, now on to the final burn.

In this episode Kenneth badgered the staff of the "Tracy Jordan Show" into going green, and at the very end he runs into everyone's favorite climate change doom-bringer: Alfred (?) Gore. Is it weird to wish on some secret level that Al Gore were president after watching this? DRAFT GORE. (Oh, and the thing after the "recycled joke" line is a reference to a joke earlier in the episode where Jack Donaghy claims his father had invented putting up a single finger for silence. Classic "30 Rock" callback right there, guys.)

• Heidi Klum continues to defy gravity and nature, agreeing to yet another Victoria's Secret show shortly after giving birth her fourth child. Obviously, this woman sold her soul to the devil long ago in return for a flab-less belly and elastin-rich skin that knows not the plague of stretch marks. Vicki's is having a bit of a staffing crisis for this year's $12M show, with angel-wing heavyweights Karolina Kurkova, Gisele Bundchen, and Adriana Lima all preggers. [P6]
• 
  
• Meanwhile, Amanda Peet told Parade she can't stop the parade of age: "I'll sag no matter what." Now that's my kind of girl. [P6]
• 
  
• "Sticky Fingers" Lohan is back! LiLo reported "stormed into the kitchen" at L.A. club Crown Bar "and grabbed two bottles of really expensive champagne. She finished both bottles with a friend." Presented with the check, she had a "meltdown," then had to call a friend to borrow a credit card number. This is deeply, tragically pathetic. You know, there was a time when being a young Hollywood trainwreck was enough to get you a free drink in this town. [NYDN]
• 
  
• The National Enquirer says Regina Letterman kicked Dave out of their Westchester manse, forcing him to live in relative squalor in his massive lower-Manhattan loft. But wait! Letterman's spokesman has denied the report to the Daily News, which sniffs that the "supermarket tabloid" has the story all wrong. Standards, people. [National Enquirer] [NYDN]
• 
  
• After blowing 0.08 and 0.09 breathalyzers and receiving a DUI, Stephanie Pratt is going to rehab. Hey, did someone just say "free champagne"? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin were both invited to Phillies star Shane Victorino's Hawaiian paradise wedding, but only Jon went to the Flyin' Hawaiian's nuptials. The kids stayed home with Kate. [RadarOnline]
• 
  
• German police raided an apartment near Stuttgart in connection with Cindy Crawford's extortion case. Edis Kayalar, the 26-year-old German national accused of trying to blackmail Crawford with a horrifyingly sadomasochistic photo of her 8-year-old daughter, will definitely go to hell if the accusations are true. Even blackmailers have certain lines they don't cross. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Hotel owner Andre Balazs (of Meapacking porno fav Standard Hotel fame) is a cover boy: He co-stars with model Angela Lindvall in the new Brioni ads, because sometimes being filthy rich and fabulous just isn't enough, and you just need that extra oomph of being objectified by gay men, too. [P6]
• 
  
• Hurting for cash or overflowing with creative talent? Flavor Flav is entering Doritos' annual "Crash the Super Bowl" ad contest, putting himself in the running for a $1 million prize. [P6]
• 
  
• "Ominous Illness Sidelines UFC Champ Lesnar": Apparently ultimate fighting's heavyweight champ is holed up in hospital in North Dakota, and everyone's whispering about what's really wrong with him. The first reports said swine flu; then they said mono. The whole ordeal is weirdly secretive, which makes me think of that one rapper who had AIDS. Hopefully Lesnar has something really shocking, but also benign, so we don't have to feel guilty about it. Like a third testicle, that has suddenly begun to descend. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Julianne Moore will guest on 30 Rock as Jack's lover. Apparently the surfeit of 30 Rock guests' Emmy noms has the cream of Hollywood's crop begging for a chance to get on the show. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Why is everyone still freaking out over Brangelina going to Saturday's MOCA gala? She wore a black dress, he wore a suit. They stared at art and said nothing. Are the rest of our celebrities so boring that this pair's silent, monochromatic presence in a hushed art gallery two days ago is big enough to score top billing at RadarOnline? But wait, look at this sentence, it has a hyperlink: "Angelina looked quite different when she did a swimsuit modeling sessions as a teenager." Now I see. [RadarOnline]

After new castmember Jack Danny (hello, Cheyenne Jackson!) tells Tracy and Jenna that they should be nice to Kenneth because he could be their boss some day, it throws their whole world order out of whack. Tracy decides to get to know Kenneth's future plans to see if he should worry about the way he's treated him. Of course, Kenneth says, in ten years, he hopes to be running the network, except there won't be a network. Burn, NBC! Looks like that Leno experiment will be the death of you.

There was also another great moment with Padma Lakshmi, though it must be unpacked (like a bag lunch) to get to all the layers of diss that it contains (the clip is below). Lakshmi hosts Top Chef on Bravo, which is owned by NBC. Top Chef's biggest sponsor is the "Glad family of products," a phrase that Lady P must know inside and out. To cast her as an egomaniacal version of herself who thinks she invented the sandwich bag (read Glad bag) but doesn't know the name of it will be a real kick in the shins to the people who write the checks for her show. Also, funny. No wonder there won't be a network in 10 years. 30 Rock is trying to put them out of business themselves!

No matter how many times Jackman obliquely denies the gay rumors, they still persist. Maybe Tina Fey & Co. were just saying that gay guys love The Boy from Oz , and really why wouldn't they? He's handsome, buff, and loves a good show tune. The only thing that could make him more appealing is if he were related to Madonna.

Writes our tipster:

Wow. I wasn't expecting him to dance like a monkey, but neither was I expecting to leave the bookstore depressed. You know the scene in 30 Rock where [Tracy Jordan] gives a speech at his High School and has a breakdown? It was like that, only not funny. At one point, while talking about his father and his mother, he broke down crying. Nobody knew how to react, so we gave him an awkward round of applause. Maybe three laughs in 45 minutes.

Here's the clip in question:




Well, it might not have been funny, but at least it wasn't a downer. Writes another tipster:

I also attended the reading last night and like other Gawker attendees, I was surprised by the tone and content of his talk. However, I left feeling slightly inspired. He spoke at length about how we need to interact more as a community, that we need to get off the computer and stop listening to our iPods and interact with fellow New Yorkers. He even mentioned Kanye West and how he was saddened by what he did to "that young girl." It was certainly not what i had expected but not entirely depressing.

Either way, it sounds like Morgan had a really emotional day. First he was breaking down on NPR and then this. There aren't many people we'd want to give a big hug and tell them that it will be OK, but Tracy is at the top of the list.

Were you there? Got pictures? Let us know!

Silverman's attempt to delay 30 Rock in honor of shows with titles nobody can remember was inconsequential in relation to the good he would do recreating the definition of media alongside IAC chairman Barry Diller.

Image via APImages

1.) Who farted?
Bigger than the mystery of whether or not this whole thing was a publicity stunt is the mystery of which Heene family member's heinie gave a Bronx cheer.


Entertainment Tonight is all over this thing.


2.) Speaking of potty humor…
I love this girl.


3.) "Well, fuck you."


4.) 12¢ Cheeseburgers


5.) Wendy Williams fucked up a lot this week.
More than usual.


6.) This kook says she's spoken to Michael Jackson since he died.


7.) Balloon Boy will not steal Jon Gosselin's thunder!
This week Jon was, again, all over The Insider and Entertainment Tonight (which led to the lawsuit TLC filed against him today). After his appearance in court earlier this week, when a judge ordered him to return $180,000 he took from Kate and his children, Jon appeared tense. Here, he explains his clenched jaw.


Entertainment Tonight managed to get Rod Stewart's opinion on Jon, as though Rod is some kind of father of the year. (Rod's children have, in fact, been on reality TV, and one of them appeared on Celebrity Rehab, which is a giant parental fail.)


8.) Asians don't need Botox, according to Jon Gosselin.
But he would like to get new hair plugs.


9.) Jon is trying to distance himself from Michael Lohan.


And that's probably a good thing, considering that Lindsay's dad filmed an episode of Maury this week, which, as of yet, has no scheduled air date.


10.) 30 Rock is back!

Last night, Tina Fey and company only logged 6.3 million viewers, which was down 25% from The Office which preceded it. It's also down almost a third in the adult demographic from the season debut last year, when Fey was hot off her stint as Sarah Palin on SNL. What happened? Well, there wasn't the heat or media attention of the Palin thing, so the only other way to get the word out about the show's return was NBC promos. And since no one is watching the molting peacock, how would anyone see them? Way to kill your only good show, guys.

On the show, NBC and corporate greed in general were definitely the bad guy. The whole episode revolved around the money troubles at the network so they were trying to reach out to middle America. Hm, does that sound anything like a money-strapped network giving away five hours of prime-time real estate to a cheap talk show that only old people and the chronically unfunny will love? Nah.

To spruce up The Girlie Show Jack orders Tracy and Jenna to appeal more to the middlebrow. Tracy does this by trying to get in touch with his roots and Jenna decides to go country. Taylor Swift she is not. And when the network gets her to sing some down-home promo tunes for their sports division, the only thing they have to give her is off-season tennis. That sounds more exciting than the network's current lineup.

When Tracy realizes that Grizz and Dot Com are keeping him in a bubble of privileged, he tries to go out on the street to meet regular folks, but he can't even find the elevator that he's not afraid of. And when he finally makes it outside he terrifies everyone by asking them things like "Are you a pre-op trans-centaur?" Maybe he can Twitter his way into America's hearts!

The biggest showdown with the network came when Kenneth was told that he can't get paid for overtime anymore. When he mistakenly opens Jack's paycheck and is mesmerized by all its zeros, he demands to get his overtime back. Then he finds out that it was Jack's bonus check and he hits his hillbilly roof and organizes a strike (see the clip below). Sure, everyone might see this as a reflection of the way corporate America reacted during the recent economic crisis, but all of us media hounds know that it is really Tina Fey lashing out against the suits in the home office. She is the one who thanked the network in her Emmy acceptance speech for "keeping us on the air even though we're so much more expensive than a talk show." It takes a real lady to stick it to the man.

And that is why we love 30 Rock. They know that they are the network's only good show, so they're not afraid to take countless jabs at the people who pay their salaries. What is NBC going to do? Cancel 30 Rock? The foam from the mouths of angry media elites would be enough to drown everyone at the corporate headquarters. Without 30 Rock the network will have nothing to win Emmys, maintain some street cred, and, you know, actually make people laugh. In the end, the protest is just like the one that Kenneth wages to get Jack to sign a paper saying he is a big fat liar: totally fruitless, but so much fun to watch.

OMGICU has been on a campaign to bring Morgan to Twitter since Tuesday, according to the Wall Street Journal, after collecting such stalker sightings as these:

• "tracy morgain [sic] is walking around soho eating blueberries looking confused."
• "Just saw Tracy Morgan driving a Yellow Lamborghini with a blond woman listening to Sade."
• "Tracy Morgan at the Bowery whole foods. I smiled but he gave me a mean look back. He was with a lady."

Welcome to Twitter, Tracy. Every week is Shark Week!

Oh look! He just delivered his first tweet:

Poetry.

After the announcement of today's new game show, it became apparent that NBC is destined to find the cheapest programming possible and is no longer concerned about how many viewers it can attract or making those expensive and pesky scripted shows. The future for the once-mighty station is much like that in Terminator, but before John Conner can return to the past to prevent the machines from taking over. There will be many more sad headlines out of NBC in years to come. A sample:

December 12, 2009: NBC Announces Plans to Phase Out All Scripted Programming by 2014

September 25, 2010:Heroes Promises It Will Actually, Finally Be Good This Season

October 12, 2010: The CW Surpasses NBC in Total Viewers

July 30, 2011: Jenna Bush and Kathie Lee Gifford to Host Today: Primetime

August 10, 2011: 24 Hour Fitness' Biggest Loser Nutrisystem Hour Brought To You By Cheerios Announces Lowest Series Finale in History

April 4, 2012: Original Must-See TV Lineup Returns to NBC—As Reruns

June 18, 2012: NBC Loses Last Scripted Show, 30 Rock, to the Hallmark Channel

August 4, 2012: More Americans Travel to London to Watch Olympic Games in Person Than Watch on NBC

January 23, 2013: After Jay Leno's Fatal On-Set Heart Attack, Dane Cook Prepares to Fill Nightly Hosting Duties

September 14, 2014: Saturday Night Live Attracts 200,000 Viewers, Highest Total in Three Seasons

December 12, 2014: FCC Announces It Will Finally Put an End to National Embarrassment of NBC

As an artform, the sitcom started in the '50s with wacky tales of the nuclear family. Going into the '70s there were some shows about the workplace as well as shows about forever expanding, like The Brady Bunch. By the '90s the family was gone almost entirely and replace by the "band of friends" shenanigans of Friends, Seinfeld and the rest of the Must-See-TV crew. From there, the only place to go was totally crazy, as single camera, laugh-track free shows like Arrested Development and Curb Your Enthusiasm. With 30 Rock, another age of sitcom supremacy seemed sure to folllow, where its unique voice combined with an office setting seemed like the perfect formula for our time.

So, what do we get this season? Oh, a bunch of sitcoms about wacky families based on tired concepts that we've already seen a million times. The mind-boggling success of Two and a Half Men must still have the networks fooled into thinking they can create traditional sitcoms out of stale ideas. It's like the programmers all sat around and tried to take an old show and give it a "fresh, modern twist" rather than trying to come up with something original or with a viewpoint of its own. Even the actors, like Patricia Heaton, Kelsey Grammar and Courtney Cox are still basking in their sitcom glory of years past.
Here are are the dreadful Frankencreatures they came up with. (Accidentally on Purpose and Community already started, Cougar Town and Modern Family start tonight, Hank and The Middle start next Wednesday, and Brothers starts Friday).

Accidentally on Purpose (CBS)
The Pitch: Knocked Up with an old chick
Description: Jenna Elfman plays a lady of a certain age who gets pregnant by a young slacker and decides to keep the baby.
How Bad Will It Be: Worse than Dharma and Greg, and that's saying something.

Brothers (Fox)
The Pitch: Green Acres meets Perfect Strangers
Description: An NFL player (Michael Strahan) who makes from the city to the country to deal with his crazy family and his competitive brother (Daryll "Chill" Mitchell) who is in a wheelchair.
How Bad Will It Be: It has someone named "Chill" in it.

Community (NBC)
The Pitch: Head of the Class, but stupid.
Description: A mean lawyer (Joel McHale) gets his degree stripped from him and must return to community college with a bunch of misfits. Oh, and Chevy Chase is in it!
How Bad Will It Be: The most promising of the bunch.

Cougar Town (ABC)
The Pitch: That Girl with an old chick and a kid.
Description: Courtney Cox returns as a woman on the prowl now that she's single. She also has a kid. Oh please, you'd still hit on her after two beers.
How Bad Will It Be: Better than Dirt, which is still pretty bad.

Hank (ABC)
The Pitch: Green Acres meets Frasier minus Niles.
Description: Kelsey Grammar and his bellow are rich and white. Because of the recession, he moves the family from the city to rural Virginia. We fell like it is all a way to get people to join the NRA.
How Bad Will It Be: You couldn't pay us.

The Middle (ABC)
The Pitch: Take out the Malcolm In and just call it The Middle. Add a healthy does of Roseanne.
Description: Patricia Heaton is a mom. She has a family. They are "normal" but wacky at the same time. Just like you!
How Bad Will It Be: Everyone Loves Raymond bad, which means it will be around forever.

Modern Family (ABC)
The Pitch: Three families, one that's "normal" one with an old guy and a hot young wife, and one with two gay dads and a baby.
Description: Three families, one that's "normal" one with an old guy and a hot young wife, and one with two gay dads and a baby.
How Bad Will It Be: Could be tolerable, but we may just be blinded by the prospect of gay dads on TV.

• Everyone loves Neil Patrick Harris. And how could they not? He came out singing cabaret and danced away with our undying love. Not that he didn't have it before. After this evening's turn as the show's host, we're pretty sure Harris should master the ceremonies of every Hollywood event ever. (By the way, Mediaite has the lyrics from the introductory number. Learn them. Live them. Love them.)
  
  
• Kristin Chenoweth will soon be the hardest working woman in Hollywood. The adorable actress — once known mostly to the Broadway crowd — stole the nation's heart by crying after winning best supporting actress for Pushing Daisies. The show's been canceled and Chenoweth, bless her, reminded the world that she needs a job: "I'm unemployed now, so I'd like to be on Mad Men. I also like The Office and 24."
  
  
• Tina Fey fans are upset that Toni Collette won the "best comedy actress" award for United States of Tara, which we actually enjoy. Well, Jeff Jarvis is upset, at least: the journalist and internet aficionado twittered, "best comedy actress was a crime." But, whatever, because Fey won for her SNL Sarah Palin impersonation.
  
  
• In other-SNL news, Justin Timberlake took home a trophy for his "Dick in a Box" routine. But that was announced last week, so hopefully you knew that.
  
  
• Sure, Fey didn't win, but that doesn't mean the Academy doesn't still love 30 Rock: the incredibly popular show won "best comedy series" and Alec Baldwin walked away with a "best actor" statuette. That's his second, for the record.
  
  
• Speaking of seconds: Mad Men again won "best drama series" and best writing for a drama series. Does this mean the show will continue to be a popular culture darling? Not if you ask Matthew Greenberg from True Slant — he thinks the consecutive win will alienate those who don't already watch it, because they'll think it's elitist.
  
  
• If Greenberg's right, there could also be a backlash against Glenn Close: the Damages star once again won for "best actress" in a drama series.
  
  
• Comedy Central's no doubt pleased with Jon Stewart and the Daily Show crew: they won "best writing" for a comedy, variety, etc series. And, yes, Stewart commended Neil's hosting abilities. He also made a joke about going backstage to watch football, which was competing on another network and became the butt of many tiresome jokes.
  
  
• LA Times writer Tom O'Neil has crowned Bill Maher the biggest Emmy loser in history because Maher, whose show was nominated in the aforementioned variety category, has lost 22 times over the course of his career.
  
  
• Remember how we said Harris should host everything? He may have some competition from Hugh Jackman, who won for original music for his Oscar dance routine.
  
  
• Hey, did you know Sarah McLachlan's still around? And she's still singing "I Will Remember You." While, yes, we should take a moment to recognize the departed — Bea Arthur! — certainly there's a less maudlin, predictable soundtrack.
  
  
• And on that note, here's a list of the winners.

At least that's something to liven up the long, tedious awards show that is like the Oscars, but with more categories, worse dresses, and Tony Shalhoub in the audience. We predict that Harris is going to do a lovely job, just like he did earlier this year at the Tonys. Then they will ask him to co-host the Oscars with Hugh Jackman and it will be the biggest gay event since Judy Garland dueted with Barbra Streisand. He has said that he may sing and do some magic tricks but he will not be drinking or dancing.

The later he is going to leave to a bunch of the pros from reality shows like Dancing with the Stars and So You Think You Can Dance. SYTYCD's hip-hop duo Napolean and Tabitha D'umo are choreographing a number that uses talent from all over the tube, including Stars hoofers Karina Smirnoff and Maksim Chmerkovskiy, seen here rehearsing for the show.

Producers aren't only relying on Harris and a dog and pony show to get things rolling. The Washington Post's Lisa de Moraes says that winners are being encouraged to make more heart-felt exciting "You like me, you really like me" speeches. Those thanking their driver's personal assistant will be cut off, but those getting all Sally Field will be allowed to ramble on. No word yet on whether or not stars will be allowed to rush the stage to try to take the award for Beyoncé.

As for those actual winners, it looks like it's going to be a repeat for critical darlings 30 Rock and Mad Men and HBO will win all the movie categories just like it does every year. At least this year the camptastic Grey Gardens will be doing the mopping up. It would be great for Drew Barrymore to win. She really acted in this movie, and then if she goes on stage we can make fun of her bad dye job on Monday morning. That's almost as good as another swan dress.

Here are the rest of the nominees in the categories you care about. The actor's races could go any way, but will the world stop spinning if Mariska Hargitay beats Kyra Sedgwick? No. But it might if Charlie Sheen manages to pull out a win.

We'll be hoping for a few underdogs to pull of some upsets while live blogging the whole telecast on Sunday evening. Tune your sets to CBS and join us on the big night. Then all the witty things you have to say about how horrible The Mentalist is will be heard by more than just your coffee table.

Her name is Lisa Ann (who also played Sarah Palin), and she leads a bunch of adult actors doing very good impersonations of Tracy Morgan, Alec Baldwin, Jane Krakowski and the rest of the gang. While we haven't seen any of the naked action, what comes between the scenes is dead-on. If the actors can get that right, than delivering a relentless rogering should be easy. Oh, and wait for "I'm a black robot, motherfucker," to be on a T-shirt in Times Square by the end of next week. If you want to buy the movie, click here [NSFW, unless you work in a strip club].

This new movie is the latest in a long line of smutty features based on beloved TV shows. How did this happen? Well, porn producers figured out that people like prepackaged commodities and that if they made these parodies, then people like us would write about them and give them free advertising. Damn, trapped again! But this one appears really worth it. We're not falling into this trap again for The Fucks of Life.

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

The replacement show sounds sorta interesting. It's Community, a single-camera sitcom about community college starring the adorable and lovable and funny Joel McHale (from The Soup). Another installment of that SNL Weekend Update Thursdays will bounce along in the Thursday 8pm slot for a while, hoping to boost Parks & Recreation's 8:30 numbers. Once Community has, in theory, found its footing and the SNL outpost runs out of economy jokes, 30 Rock will return. Sigh. Right now that sounds like a pretty long wait. Why did that damn Peacock have to see its shadow?

Update! An NBC publicist tells us:

The plan for "30 Rock" is to launch its season fairly shortly after the usual fall debuts. We don't have a particular date set, but it's likely to be in the range of three, four or five weeks into the traditional season. There's currently no expectation that the debut would be delayed into the winter.

Hmm. That doesn't actually say that much though, does it? Empty promises, NBC! "Three, four, or five weeks" could still mean mid-November, depending on when this so-called "traditional season" begins. So we're still bummed. We want this shit the day after Labor Day, people!

The other glaring thing on the schedule is just seeing printed, day after day after day, The Jay Leno Show in the 10pm slot. In theory this whole thing sounded infuriating—for us, for Conan, for Boston—but now seeing it actually crammed into the schedule there... Well, it just seems like it's going to be a disaster. Either no one will watch it or everyone will, leaving Conan adrift and lonely there behind the boring buffer of local 11 o'clock news. Only time will tell how it plays out.

In other TV news: Privileged, Without a Trace, and My Name Is Earl have all been canceled. And the Gossip Girl spinoff really has been shot down, as rumored.