• Rihanna finally acknowledged a series of pornographic self-portraits that, until now, were merely rumored to be of her. She said in a radio interview that they were for "my boyfriend at the time" (almost definitely Chris Brown) and "if you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." She sent her mother flowers before calling her to break the news that the world was about to see her daughter's naughty parts. This is Emily Post's recommended method for informing loved ones of an an impending sex scandal. [People]
• 
  
• Tiger Woods Lover #2 kissed-and-told to basically anyone who would listen, including her coworkers, who she made listen to the infamous voicemail where Tiger asks her to remove her name from outgoing messages so his wife doesn't catch him making sweet mistress love. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Speaking of Jaimee Grubbs' phone records, the rumored sexy text messages are out, and they include declarative sentences like "I will wear you out" and "Hey, it's Tiger." [NYDN]
• 
  
• "The War's Over": LiLo and SamRo have made peace. It's like peace in the Middle East, but even more promising, because it has the potential to turn into hot lesbian sex any minute now. John Mayer is well aware of this, as he is the one who brokered the deal, which ended with hugs and "a scantily clad blond." (Is the use of the masculine form purposeful here?) [P6] [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• 50 Cent carries $25,000 on his person at all times "just in case," and because he's so intimidating, nobody will ever try to mug him, anyway. [JustJared]
• 
  
• Nick Jonas : Jonas Brothers :: John : The Beatles [Us]
• 
  
• Natalie Portman was a teenage loser. Her first time drunk was at college (and she went to Harvard, so it was probably nerdy drinking) and she didn't try pot until she was in her 20's. And then she dated Devendra Banhart, a man whose life is one long psychedelic haze, [exhibit A.] so that must have been enlightening. [P6]
• 
  
• Jennifer Lopez's lawyer says her sex tape doesn't even have sex in it. Ojani Noa says he never meant to promote the footage as a sex tape, just that he wants to turn his 11+ hours of home video into a "mockumentary," which is a really stunning word choice, on multiple levels. [People]
• 
  
• Will Ferrell wants to play Simon Cowell: "I see a lot of Ron Burgundy in Simon Cowell." Genius. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph, is engaged in a sticky-sweet game of corporate espionage. Dylan, who owns NYC candy store Dylan's Candy Bar, has reportedly been "sneaking around taking photos of her rival," Sugar Factory, which has more celebrity patrons. A Sugar Factory rep's diplomatically snide response: "We are flattered Dylan's looking to us for inspiration." Burn! [P6]
• 
  
• National Enquirer has the most adorable article-thingee accepting Newsweek's recognition for the tab's contribution to "one of it's top scandals of the decade," the John Edwards-Rielle Hunter affair. You can almost see Enquirer Ed-in-Ch David Perel's cheeks glowing as he sings with pride: "He then engineered a cover-up that was Nixonian in its cynicism... Six months later, the Enquirer caught Edwards... Call it definitive proof that investigative journalism still matters, no matter what you think of where it originated." [Enquirer]
• 
  

  Exhibit A.
  

And right now there is a bit of panic afoot in showbiz, that with a mere 138 days until showtime, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences still hasn't decided on a helmer for the trophy trot. Nikki Finke reported last week, that last year's host and producer, Hugh Jackman and Bill Condon, are planning not to return to the Kodak stage. The pair's up-market, olde-timey glamour version of the show, gave Oscar its first ratings uptick in seemingly forever; a dramatic break in its long slide into irrelevance. ("What an honor for the Aussie actor" grandma Nikki writes of the of the Academy's desire to bring Jackman back to the show.)

UPDATE: Since the writing of this item, the producers have been named...and they are...Hairspray director Adam Shankman and former Fox CEO Bill Mechanic.)

Every year, Hollywood debates the question of how to update an event that is inherently the stodgiest thing thing on Earth. For starters, the thing that Oscar was conceived to honor — big glitzy prestige films — don't exist anymore, so the show will from now until forever be torn between giving their statues to little independent films that no one saw (and hence, that no one wants to see an awards show celebrating) or trying to find ways to squeeze nods to Dark Knight into a show that will never actually honor such popular films.

And for that matter, what with the media attention span being half a second long these days, if you are talking about movies that came out last year, you might as well be giving a lesson in like, the Cold War or Vietnam or something.

Not to mention — three hours of people in tuxedoes getting trophies and making speeches?!? In the epoch of cat videos!? Is this some kinda of Twilight Zone episode? Is America being punk'd by Oscar?

So what the heck do you do with a still huge but dwindling monstrosity like Oscar? Basically you can embrace the future or deny it, and either route has its merits. Here's our suggestions for the roads Oscar could take:

EMBRACE THE KIWANIS WITHIN
Oscar is never, ever going to win over these kids today, so go with your strength. Lead with the stodgy; you'll play well to your base and once every decade and a half, catch a retro wave. These days the Hollywood establishment is the aging Baby Boom generation, who are bound to actually become cool one of these days.
Host: Billy Crystal
Producer: Jeffrey Katzenberg
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Braveheart
Opening Number: A Rockettes lead a musical tribute to the films of screenwriter Ron Bass, high-stepping to the greatest moments from Rain Man, Snow Falling on Cedars and Dangerous Minds.
Clips Reel: A complete recap of The Today Show reporting the weekend grosses every Monday morning of the past year.
Log Line: This IS your grandfather's Oscars.

DRINK THE GLOBES UNDER THE TABLE
The reason why the Golden Globes have held their own against the declining Oscars is liquor. The dinner setting of the Globes show has traditionally meant well-lubricated winners making some of the more free-wheeling, demented speeches of awards season. Well, two can play at that game. Mandatory tequilla shots and forced picks from the mystery wheel of amphetamines for all attendees.
Host: Jack Nicholson
Producer: Ben Silverman
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Couples Retreat
Opening Number: Stars careen to their seats on a giant Slip 'n Slide placed down the aisle.
Clips Reel: The best moments of buddy comedies, guys who love to laugh with each other.
Log Line: Come and Get It!

POST-MODERN OSCAR
Pander completely to Hoodie Nation with an all self-referential celebration of quirk.
Host: Michael Cera
Producer: Spike Jonze
Ideal Best Picture Winner: (500) Days of Summer
Opening Number: Michael Cera sits on the floor of the Kodak stage listening to the mix tape he has made for an impossibly cool girl featuring acoustic remixes of John Hughes soundtrack songs. As we watch, the audience travels inside a giant movie screen and from the perspective of the Oscar nominated films, we watch Cera go to the movies with the impossibly cool girl, but never get to first base.
Clips Reel: Great Moments in Mentioning Bands During Movies.
Log Line: Oscars? What?

LOGANS RUN
The tweens have taken over entertainment; how long does Oscar think it can hold out anyway? Show Oscar's commitment to staying relevant by terminating the careers of any actor over 35 on live TV.
Host: Vanessa Hudgins
Producer: The Kardashians
Ideal Best Picture Winner: New Moon
Opening Number: 50's style sockhop dance number as George Clooney, Angelina Jolie and all the old people in the audience are loaded onto the original Sputnik rocket and blasted into outer space.
Clips Reel: The progression of Taylor Lautner's abs, from flaccid to six pack.
Log Line: This is on, bitch.

GANGSTA OSCAH
When you get down to it, the Academy is the original original gangsta.
Host: 50 Cent
Producer: P Diddy
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Final Destination 3D
Opening Number: The Kodak Theater is transformed with gold plated chandeliers and stripper pole while a car chase screeches through the lobby, ending in a cataclysmic explosion on stage.
Clips Reel: The history of on-screen bling.
Log Line: Don't Forget Who Brung You.

THE REALITY ACADEMY
Turn the show into a real time competition with bug eating contests, relay races and back stage confessionals.
Host: Ryan Seacrest
Producer: Nigel Lythgoe
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Step Up 2: The Streets
Opening Number: Nominees forced to perform a Polish mazurka, with one catch; one mis-step and the plummet into a tub of a million centipedes — and lose their shot at taking home Oscar.
Clips Reel: Night vision cameras placed in the hotel rooms of the stars while on set reveal secret celebrity hook ups — and a few drunken nights with a key grip or two.
Log Line: Oscar Wild!

THE TMZ OSCARS
Why fight it anymore? Throw down the barricades; let the paparazzi hordes loot and sack the kingdom, enjoy the rush of attention that the train wreck will bring. And whomever is still alive after showbiz has been reduced to smoldering ruins — let them figure out what to do next.
Host: Perez Hilton
Producer: Harvey Levin
Ideal Best Picture Winner: One Night in Paris
Opening Number: Celebrities are vivisected before the audience's eyes, the last remnants of their souls are ripped out and and then eaten, buffet style by the nation as a whole.
Clips Reel: A million Tweets are simultaneously projected directly into viewers' frontal lobes.
Log Line: We're Here.

Celebrity: David Hasselhoff and Gary Coleman
Car: K.I.T.T.
Why So Embarrassing: It's the creepy thumbs up that makes this picture awesome to everyone not in it.
Suggested By: F1Morgan, Scandanavian Flick

Celebrity: 50 Cent
Car: Pontiac G8 GXP
Why So Embarrassing: Though we love the car, it doesn't particularly do it any good to get tarted up by 50 Cent on what seems to be the down-slope of his career. We bet Kanye could have sold more G8s.
Suggested By: BuickBoy92

Celebrity: Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, John Travolta, William H. Macy
Car: Harley Davidson Bikes
Why So Embarrassing: The four of them look like a gay biker gang, but not in the good way. We do give them props for their realistic portrayal of the typical lame Harley owner in this shot from the film Wild Hogs.
Suggested By: Golferal

Celebrity: Michael Johnson
Car: C4 Corvette
Why So Embarrassing: Oh so 1990s. You may be fast, but you'll never outrun this Glamour Shot.
Photo Credit: Mike Powell /Allsport

Celebrity: Mila Kunis
Car: Lexus SC430
Why So Embarrassing: We're not big fans of the Lexus SC430, but it's not particularly embarrassing. Parking it in a handicapped spot to grab a coffee is.

Celebrity: Michael Phelps
Car: Mazda6/Atenza
Why So Embarrassing: Immediately following his pot bust/gold medal marathon Phelps was tasked with pushing the Mazda brand in China. We'd probably start using drugs as well.

Celebrity: Andre Agassi
Car: Vector W8
Why So Embarrassing: Posing near a Vector W8 is only cool in a semi-ironic sort of way. In this case, Agassi is trying to show off all he has: big hair, awkward car, soon-to-be-ex girlfriend.

Photo Credit: John Russell/Getty Images

Celebrity: Danica Patrick
Car: Chevrolet Bel Air
Why So Embarrassing: Danica Patrick is talented, but she also understands the connection between her sex appeal and her ability to get sponsors. Unfortunately, this photo is just awkward. It's supposed to be enticing and seductive but the strange outfit and uncomfortable look makes us wish we'd never seen this photo.
Suggested By: PowerMatic

Photo Credit: FHM/George Holz/JEGPhoto

Celebrity: Adam West
Car: Chrysler 300C
Why So Embarrassing: Adam West, Batman, drives an old man car. Whatever, he's hilarious. He gets away with it. What he doesn't get away with is the "NBR1BAT" license plate. Holy Vanity Plate Batman!
Suggested By: 57sweptside

Celebrity: Conan O'Brien
Car: Ford Taurus SHO
Why So Embarrassing: Yes, Conan O'Brien is trying to look ridiculous. Yes, we love the Ford Taurus SHO. This is embarrassing for Conan because his attempts at appearing silly fail. You look awesome Conan.
Suggested By: Nerdwa

Celebrity: Sting
Car: Toyota Prius
Why So Embarrassing: Really, the guy who wrote Outlandos d'Amour is suddenly out cruising town in a Prius. We thought tantric sex was about extending the pleasure. Hybrids cut it way short, Gordy.
Suggested By: JamesMarino

Celebrity: Michael Schumacher
Car: Fiat Work Van
Why So Embarrassing: Schumacher looks the part too well. Also, "the quick gardner" sounds like a bad German translation of a man who fires quickly in bed.
Suggested By: Mr_Sives_Remotoc.

One person ran over and gave him a high five. Then he drove off into the sunset, hopefully not cracking his skull open in the process.

• Oh, christ. They're here: Jon and Kate's Spawn Of 8 have landed in New York City for some kind of TLC marketing event. While Jon sets up his gangsta-ass bachelor pad of Ed Hardy shirts and Malboro Reds and probably a Foosball table or something, Kate - who I genuinely feel bad for, now, if only because we're all learning exactly what kind of douchebag was hiding in that repressed manchild of a human being she was married to - was taking questions from her kids in the vein of "are we there yet" and "when will we officially be able to call our existence tortured?." Meanwhile, what the hell is TLC doing dragging them to New York for a marketing thing? Also, the midgets from TLC's midget show (not it's actual name) were there and so were some other people. Anyway, if you happen to see them above ground or below ground, I don't know, keep the kids away from the tunnels and don't let them go to Mansion with Dad. In fact, they should all probably be rounded up and kept in a glass case at Mars 2112 so we can show tourists what we think of them despite stimulating our economy: yes, we look at you, especially when your kids are screaming about getting a bottle of Vitamin Water, because we want to beat you with one. Truth. Oh, and apparently, the paparazzi and security guards surrounding this nonsense got into a fight and Jon was nowhere to be seen because he was probably trying to (unsuccessfully) get into Minetta Tavern. Sorry, man, but it ain't happening. [People and People]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson's sucking the blood out of New York's service industry: he's a shitty, shitty tipper. He closed the place out and went just short of 15%; kid, you've got a lot of learning to do. Everyone in this town tips 20 or gives blow jobs to make up for it. Amirite? Anyone? Well, it's how I learned the hard way. [Celebrity Spy]
  
  
• White rapper Asher Roth was called out by fans after telling a crowd of celebrities (including Stephanie Pratt, "celebrity") that he'd just graduated from Cornell. They all toasted him and his fans were like, dude, you went to some shitty junior college and he went into his next song. Ha. White rappers are silly. [NYP]
  
  
• David Arquette apologized for calling Latin women "nuts;" this sounds silly, but really, takes one to know one, right? As far as being crazy goes, however, David has no experience in that. Am I suggesting he's secretly a Latin woman? Yes. Yes I am. [US]
  
  
• Gangsta-ass Lindsay Lohan is getting back at her stalkerazzi with a squirt gun. I used to do this to my overzealous cats. I'd pretend they'd be trying to take pictures of me and I'd be like, NO, BACK OFF and squirt them and run in heels. More fun than it sounds, especially when you have a New York-sized apartment and too much vodka lying around. [PITNB]
  
  
• A billionaire whose kid is in NYC Prep is mortified at the behavior of his kids, but secretly thinks Richard's recaps are the BEST THING EV-AR. Maybe? [Page Six]
  
  
• Other terrible item: Michael Jackson was apparently kicked really hard in the balls by Joe Jackson at one point, so much so that he was unable to reproduce later in life. Basically, Joe Jackson is the worst human being ever, or something. Question: would we have Michael Jackson if Joe didn't abuse him? Answer: no. [WWTDD]
  
  
• Latest victim of the housing crisis: 50 Cent. Our friend Fitty neglected to ask "21 Questions" about how much his 19 bedroom, 37 bathroom Hartford house was going to be worth a few years after he bought it, but he just had to cut the price down from $14.5M to $10M. He says he's tired of the commute into New York - heh - and wants to downsize. But Fitty! Where will you take a shit when you're home now that you will not have a bathroom every two feet? This is dangerous business, we're talkin'. Oh, also, the house used to be owned by Mike Tyson, so, not that it's cursed, or anything. [NYP]
  
  
• Remember Limp Bizkit, the band that defined a generation of high school freshman for life? Frontman Fred Durst got married, and then played a reunion concert in Vegas last night for the first time in nine years. Somewhere, someone in a Von Dutch hat is screaming about his rain dance working. [People]
  
  
• Sigh. This is genuinely sad: Mischa Barton's on suicide watch after being institutionalized by friends after a three day coke binge. She was going nuts and going to kill herself. On a separate note, I think when the producers of The O.C. killed Marissa Cooper, they killed a part of Mischa Barton. If you watched the show all the way through to the end of the third season, you would understand this. Not that I did. Just sayin'. Get better, Coop. [NYP]
  
  
• Ha, yeah: that "salt solution" Octomom-Lady's kid was taken to the hospital for in yesterday's roundup? It was from one of those "make your own volcano" kits. Which, like, what was a two year old doing around that? Then again, it's nice to see she's got high standards for them. Anyway. Public opinion still has her going in a volcano, so, yeah, maybe she's just starting her own intelligence agency and research arm made up of her children. Nice. [Daily News]
  
  
• Aw, shit: French President (say it with me) SAHER-KOZE-EE! went running in Central Park and even his bodyguards are great looking. Anyway, he stopped to say hello to admirers who let him know how much they'd like to do his wife. He smiled and said thank you and I know, isn't she great? [Daily News]
  
  
• Ultimate Blind Item: Rush and Malloy's big 'scoop 'o the week is a callgirl who says she's got yet another fuckhead-y governor who took her out on three hot dates. Who is it?! As a proud former citizen of the great state of Nevada, I'd like to nominate wackadoo asshole Jim Gibbons. Jim, I'm rooting for you. Anybody else? Oh, also in hooker trivia, Bernie Madoff apparently paid Spitzer's madam's girls to give him back rubs. Just back rubs. Evil's so weird. [R & M]

This was one of my father's favorite songs when it came out a few years ago. He loved it like a carnivore loves steak! He also very much raised me on the whole "you know my style/I'll do anything to make you smile" sensibility.

So in the spirit of smiling, and Father's Day, I want to send this next song out to my daddy who hooked me up with a sense of humor, a deep voice, and, I suspect, the buttery two-button suit I'm rockin' above. Word.

Now, ladies, I have some questions:

MP3 File

Lyrics:

New York City …
you are now rallying …
with The Assimilated
gotta love it

when I blog sometimes I twist the la
write posts on my iBook g5 (ed: just go with it, people)
it's all white, like these girls that's on my jock
I don't know son, it makes no sense to me
hope you got everything you need cause I
am so broke it might even make you cry
I got some questions that I gotta ask and I
don't give a fcuk what you give as an answer baby

Giiirrrrlll
It's easy to love TAN
But what if I'm not a brand?
Just a man
Would you still have love for me?
Giiirrrrlll
Can you get me a Ketel-cran?
The official drink of TAN
So scram
And show your love for me

Verse:

if I got AIDS tomorrow
would you still touch me?
if I lost both my arms
would you still hug me?
if I got knocked into a coma for half a century
could I count on you to still have respect for me mentally?
if I killed the prez
i'm on the run from the feds
would you mind wearing a beard
and growing some dreds?
if I give you a black eye
you wearing glasses to hide?
if you caught me cheating
would you let it slide?
if I got you a fake bag for $5.99
are you giving me head
or starting to whine?
what if you work a tough job
straight walking with blisters
while I'm home, unemployed
banging your sister?
if I bite off your tongue
would you bite back???
if I nut in your eye
would you wipe that???
I could piss in your mouth
you know a nightcap???
might pass a little gas
I know you like that ...

CHORUS

These are questions that need answers, people.

• This is so not a bury-the-lede thing. You gotta run this one first, you know? Some foreign WireImage photog at the opening of The W in Ft. Lauderdale (which we covered in yesterday's roundup) screamed at Blake Lively, on the photo line: "You look beautiful, like a llama!" He meant to call her a gazelle, but the moment had already passed, and honestly, the Llama is a beautiful animal in its own right. Lively was later heard asking Penn Badgley what the import of that expression was, and did an impression of a llama for him shortly thereafter. Now, when Lively gets lined up for the feature adaptation of The Llama Song, you're going to remember this moment, and smile wistfully. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heidi Pratt was supposedly rushed to a hospital in Costa Rica after suffering some kind of undisclosed medical emergency while shooting I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Husband Spencer's sister is Twittering about it, somewhere. To be on the safe side: if this isn't bullshit, we hope for a safe and speedy recovery. But to be on the safe side: it's probably, like everything else they do, complete, utter, Grade-A bullshit. Which is why I can't bring myself to report this as news. Let's see who else gets hosed. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Rappers, they're just like us! Some contractor was trying to screw Fitty (50 Cent, for those who aren't "in the know") out of money for house repairs and stuff. Fitty had 21 questions for him, and the contractor could only answer eight, so he did what all hard ass gangsters do and filed a lawsuit, which has now been settled. [NME]
  
  
• Our second Marilyn Manson gossip item of the weekend! Apparently, he's so hooked on drugs, he cries to his tour manager about it, which makes me sad. Also, he once went to an AA meeting and got asked for an autograph. [Daily Star]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse! Right? She's hanging out with some local kids from St. Lucia on a vacation there. The D-Listed writer does this better than I ever could: "When Amy Wino isn't swallowing tequila bottles whole, she's holding court with the locals of St. Lucia and teaching them the ways of the crackie. Seriously, what in Crackie of the Flies Hell is going on here? All I see is Wino sucking her thumb and the locals looking at her with "bitch you crazy" eyes." Seriously, I love D-Listed. Absolute trash, but hysterical. [D-Listed]
  
  
• Megan Fox became so image-obsessed while filming the new Diablo Cody movie (Jennifer's Body) that her hair started to fall out. [Daily Star]
  
  
• Woah! T.I. got married to his longtime girlfriend this weekend before heading off to jail to serve a year for that pesky gun charge. They've been engaged for two years, they've had two kids together (and have three from a relationship previous to this), and they're really cute. Do you know who T.I.'s wife is? It's 'Tiny' from 90s R & B group Xscape! How can you not love this? [NME]
  
  
• A-Rod's new chick, Kate Hudson, showed up at Yankee Stadium yesterday during the team's 9-7 loss to the Tampa Bay Rays. I don't like this, at all. Yes, you're Goldie Hawn's daughter, but why A-Rod? Not...Jeter? Or Matsui? You had to go with A-Rod? Anyway: we're sucking enough this year so please don't pile the whole Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo curse on us with this shit and just, I don't know, go to the NL Central games or something. [NY Daily News] Oh, and, related, I guess: A-Rod left the game and coached some kids in a little league game after the loss; the team he coached beat the team Richard Gere coached, which, oh, whatever. Just read it if you really want to. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Ron Jeremy is opening up a swingers club in too-granola-for-its-own-good Portland, Oregon, which is the least likely place to open up a swingers club. What about Lincoln, Nebraska or something? [Page Six]
• And just because you made it down here:

  The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

• Spencer Pratt, rapping under the name "The Great White" and desperately trying to find some sort of relevance in the real world, has released his first rap song titled "I'm a Celebrity" on iTunes. Yeah. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Britney Spears is running around the Bahamas in a two piece looking all semi-hot and shit! [TMZ]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere got a tattoo running straight down the side of her torso and the tattoo artist who did the job misspelled one of the words in the phrase. [Perez]
  
  
• An American Idol fan walked up to Terri Seymour, Simon Cowell's ex-girlfriend, outside of the Idol studios and asked if she was still seeing him. Then the freak tried to strangle her and now Simon has hired a bunch of ex-Army commandos to protect him from these sort of idiots. [Sun]
  
  
• For the third time in three months, Amy Winehouse has been hospitalized for being a complete fucking trainwreck. [Mirror]
  
  
• Hey remember Chad Lowe, brother of Rob and ex-husband to Hillary Swank? He's just became a father with his new girlfriend! [EOnline]
  
  
• What the hell are 50 Cent and Bette Midler doing arm in arm at a garden party? Is he gay or something?! [Mirror]
  
  
• Hey look it's our little emo buddy Pete Wentz hanging out with Rihanna, but please don't tell him we said anything about this or he might start crying like a little bitch again. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin fired forty, fucking FORTY, aides in a span of three months. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Britney Spears' former bodyguard says that her negligence led to him suffering a devastating injury while on the job. We can't even begin to imagine what she did to him. [Daily News]

May 19 @ 9:46am Just saw 50 cent get out of a black SUV on west 56th street and walk into the Parker Meridian hotel. Jeans white tee shirt and a baseball cap, lookin' hot!

See the other funny thing Rick Ross is known for is being a guy who took his name from a famous coke dealer and rapping about coke-dealing nonstop, but also having once been a corrections officer. Which he tried to lie about, but then got nailed with the evidence, oh well. Everybody's gotta eat! But instead of just saying "Fuck it, it was a job, and screw 50 Cent and his jokes, just listen to my music," Rick Ross has decided to go the "Canadian Girlfriend" route by just saying really vague, ominous things:

Of his stint on the side of the law, Mr. Ross said, "The truth is more sinister than the obvious," suggesting an undisclosed layer to his time there.

Mmm hmm.

"Right now as we speak, I got two of my best friends that's on the run from two separate cocaine conspiracy indictments," Mr. Ross said. "This is a reality that I can't glorify."

Except on his album, or in media interviews! Man, I sure have become even more of a hater in my old age. Anyhow, fans of Gawker reader 50 Cent agree.
[NYT]

50 Cent, né Curtis Jackson III, has hired a Web ghostwriter, Chris Romero, also known as Broadway, to post updates on the message-broadcasting service for him, the New York Times reports.

What we have here is a rapper with a stage name who relies on another guy with an extra moniker to represent his real, authentic self to fans. Is your head spinning yet?

Last week, Keith Olbermann ranted to thousands of MSNBC viewers that Twitter was the "worst person in the world" for allowing an unknown person to "perpetuate a fraud" by impersonating him on the service as "@keitholbermann." (On Twitter, users address each other with the "@" sign.)

The only problem: It turns out that an MSNBC employee had registered the account on Olbermann's behalf. Before the account's owner went private and deleted all of its updates, the @keitholbermann account seemed to be sending updates similar to the official Twitter feed for Olbermann's show, Countdown. Here's Olbermann's rant:

Then there's the curious case of Twitter's Christopher Walken, whose fake account has been disavowed by the actor — and yet is as real as it gets. The fakester's work is reminiscent of Dan Lyons's Fake Steve Jobs in its zany yet realistic insights into the inner life of a famous person. The clever impersonator, as yet anonymous, recently granted an interview to The Wrap. His explanation of his work as @cwalken:

I simply enjoy writing for voices other than my own. When I post a "cwalken" update I am hoping to write something as I would imagine it spoken by Christoper Walken. The politics, tastes and observations are my own. That is — I am not trying to speak for Christopher Walken. I am simply borrowing his voice and reworking my words in his cadence.

Some people crochet, I do this.

For some, pretending to be a celebrity on Twitter is a hobby. But for others, it's a business — like the small army of people Britney Spears employs. Until recently, Joseph Nejman was one of them. He's now dismissive of the practice:

"It's O.K. to tweet for a brand," he said, remarking how common it is for companies to have Twitter accounts, "but not O.K. for a celebrity. But the truth is, they are a brand. What they are to the public is not always what they are behind the curtain. If the manager knows that better than the star, then they should do it."

What Nejman does not mention: Spears's management operation fired him for incompetence in January, after the Harvard grad posted a clumsy help-wanted ad looking for a ghost Twitterer on his alma mater's alumni website. (In a major no-no for celebrity help-seekers, Nejman actually named Spears as the client in the ad, a move which Hollywood veterans scoffed at as likely to attract deranged fans instead of real talent.) Now that he's no longer being paid to pimp out Britney Spears on Twitter, Nejman doesn't think anyone should!

But in posing as a social-media expert instead of a fired hack, Nejman isn't doing anything worse than most people on Twitter, celebrity or not. A few are honest about their fakeness, like Technology Review editor-in-chief Jason Pontin, who wrote last August of his growing Twitter fixation:

But I will never use social technologies quite as the young use them, because I do not thrill to continuous attention and I value my privacy. Thus, the Jason Pontin who occupies the social space is a constructed persona, designed to be unchallengingly personable, humorous, and thoughtful. I am none of those things very often. The preoccupations of that Jason Pontin are professional: he thinks about emerging technologies all the time. And I never broadcast the substance of my inner life, because I know it would become insubstantial the moment I did.

Wall Street Journal editor Julia Angwin likewise recently figured out the point of Twitter: It is not about living your life with friends in real time. It is about promoting your work to gullible strangers.

That's the grand irony of Twitter: Even the real people on the service are fake. They are their own simulacra. No one actually lives their life 140 characters at a time. What we do is turn ourselves into works of fiction. Who's real? Who's not? Who cares?

Basically 50 tracked down one of Rick Ross' baby moms and got this sex tape featuring her, narrated by a cross-dressed 50. For more background see here. Honestly we didn't watch the whole tape, but we hear there's one part in there where the girl is fucking the guy while a Neutrogena ad plays on the TV in the background, so it's worth watching for the romance factor if nothing else. [Watch it at Fleshbot]

This kid is the face of hip hop and we salute him for his beef-starting. Ante up. [via Adrants]

According to a MediaTakeOut.com snitch claiming to be in the know, 50 put a hefty 7 figure amount in a hedge fund. And the fund, in turn invested some of the money it raised into one of Madoff's funds.

But things could have been worse for the popular rapper. The snitch explained to MediaTakeOut.com, "Luckily [the fund] disn't invest all its money with Madoff, or 50 would be in even worse shape."

Fairly impossible to tell whether this vaguely-sourced, grammatically awkward anonymous snippet is really true. But maybe it will at least spark a feud! Remember, when asked about his online habits, 50 said: "You better look at Perez Hilton, ThisisFifty.com, Concrete Loop, Gawker — you can skip Media Takeout. Because they are 50 Cent haters."

So there you have it—snitches telling haters that 50 lost a trifling sum with Madoff. RESEARCH: he also told Choire Sicha in that interview:

Q: Did you get hurt in the last couple weeks [with the stock-market dive]?

A: Nah. No. Well yeah, a little bit. Everybody took a little bit.

50, email us with the truth, thanks. I know you're reading.

Basically they drew the vague comparison between Obama and gangsta rapper 50 Cent. The former used his Harvard degree and silver-tongued charms to win over scared white people, while the latter gave scared white people what they wanted by scaring them even more. We know Fiddy is cool, because look at those album sales, but is Obama—the leader of the free world—hip and street enough to win over impressionable, danger-seeking youngs?

To answer their question they interviewed a now-gay Steve Urkel and his friends. They said that it was pretty "gangsta" when Barry appointed Hillary to Secretary of State. Right. So I guess that settles it.

And then Gwen Ifill showed up to the studio and chuckled in embarrassment. Sigh.

• Charlie Sheen is sorry to black people for calling his ex-wife Denise Richards a "f—king n——r." He's especially sorry to "Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings." Ha! Richards, with whom Sheen has been bitterly feuding, doesn't get an apology, and can presumably just "f—king" deal. [Us]
• Yesterday, everyone was worried fashiongay Andre Leon Talley would ruin Michelle Obama by putting her in a bolero jacket or some other atrocious thing. He hasn't done that yet. Instead, the Vogue editor-at-large introduced the would-be first lady at a fashion-industry fundraiser while he was wearing "a kind of turban that recalled the much-discussed costume [Barack Obama] once wore in Somalia." No one should have a problem with Obama hanging out with what looks like a gay muslim, even an elitist gay fashion muslim in New York, so obviously no one, anywhere, will. [R&M]
• Not only did Anne Hathaway break up with her scuzzy Italian boyfriend, she also moved out. Yay! But what's this business about dinner at Cipriani? [P6]
• Relentlessly cranky novelist Tom Wolfe demanded to know why a developer insinuated he was anti-Semitic. OK, this time he might have a legitimate reason to be cranky. [P6]
• Broadway and former TV star Mario Lopez is being named People's "Hottest Bachelor," but he's still totally getting evicted from his Broadway theater to make way for Katie Holmes. The guy's biceps can't catch a break.
• Supposedly Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt just bought a $10,000 stash of guns, including "two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle." Suddenly, I'm kind of interested in seeing them in front of some reality television cameras again. Near other reality television stars. While drunk and angry. [The Superficial]
• So sad: Freeloading music critics get free drinks, but no free food, at a listening party. They stormed out in a huff, logically. [P6]
• The mother of 50 Cent's 11-year-old son claims the rapper burned down her Long Island mansion. He claims she totally monitors his cell-phone conversations with the son. Call it a draw? [R&M]

• Maybe Barack Obama surprised Scarlett Johansson with a bunch of long emails because her brother, Hunter, works for him. Uh, sure. [P6]
• Richard Dreyfuss had a close encounter of the strip club kind. For "several hours." Or just maybe it was some other balding, white-haired, older white guy in a strip club. But what are the odds of that? [P6]
• That big $2 million performance Amy Winehouse snagged? The one for the Russian oligarch? She landed in Russia drunk/high and stumbled down the carpet two hours late. Then she flashed the audience. So it's not clear what the source who says "she still put on a terrific show" means, exactly. [R&M]
• The marriage of Madonna and Guy Ritchie has entered the "Kabbalah Marriage Counseling" phase. [Fametastic]
• Apparently 50 Cent finds naked girls waiting for him in his hotel room closets. He throws them out because "I don't want no [beep] that costs $50." Wow, no wonder all the businessmen are always so happy in those Holiday Inn Express ads. [P6]
• Naomi Campbell settled with a Slovakian housekeeper who said she was abused and mocked by Campbell for her language skills. As though any housekeeper who could read or hear things in English would ever take a job with Naomi Campbell. [Showbiz Spy]
• Singer Lance Bass' ex-boyfriends hooked up with each other, and the Post finds this touching, because it is a big supporter of gay unions. [P6]

When pressed for details, [Dix Hills Fire Department Chief Larry] Feld said, "I would say there is a strong possibility that it is suspicious because of the rapid movement of the fire, the volume of the fire that we had upon arrival, and the intensity. When I arrived — and I got there early — the whole first floor and second floor was engulfed, and the home was totally gutted. [...]

A statement released Friday by 50's rep reads: "Informed this morning while filming a new motion picture on location in Louisiana, [50 Cent] expressed deep concern over this fire at his property. He is extremely thankful that everyone including his son, Marquise, escaped the burning house safely. He is confident that authorities will be conducting a thorough investigation of the incident and is eager to review their findings."

Addressing reporters outside the remains of her home, Tompkins said that she heard an intruder in the house this morning, and that 50 is "obsessed" with her and has threatened her life. We think it was a wise, if sometimes questionably motivated, lyricist who once said, "If the roof is on fire, let the muthafucka burn. If you talking about money, homie, I ain't concerned." Never before has the poetry of the street resonated with such dire consequence.

• 50 Cent's Long Island Home Gutted By 'Suspicious' Fire [MTV]
• Shaniqua— Fiddy Tried To Kill Me! [TMZ]