• Oh, this is convenient: Kanye West blames booze for his infamous VMA outburst, and now people are saying he's going to go to rehab, but his friends say that's not so. Too bad, because we really wanted to help fuel his martyr complex. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Remember Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic rant following his DUI? Well, he wants you and the justice system to forget: his lawyer will argue next week that since Gibson's completed his probation, the arrest should be expunged from his record. [TMZ]
  
  
• Janet Jackson, who has by far been more dignified than most of her family in mourning Michael, will wear black to show the world just how sad she really is, which is funny, since some people argue Michael hated that color. [The Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Osbourne, once the picture of teenage rebellion, doesn't like that kids these days wear short skirts. [Page Six]
  
  
• Briefly ubiquitous actress Emmy Rossum's husband has filed for divorce. Meh. [People]
  
  
• A "faith healer" claims he has cured Amy Winehouse's insane alcoholism. Even if we thought such a thing possibly, we'd advertise with caution. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Ellen Barkin ran into Matt Damon on her street, where he was filming, and told him to come over when he was done. He laughed. [Page Six]
  
  
• 90210 star AnnaLynne McCord really wants Cosmo to put her on the cover so that she can be on the same celebrity plane as Blake Lively. It's good to have goals, we suppose. [Page Six]
  
  
• Roman Polanski will fight his extradition. Shocking. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Rest easy, America, for police have the second suspect in Lindsay Lohan's burglary in custody. Phew! [NYDN]
  
  
• OK! has spent a total of $300,000 on pictures of Khloe Kardashian's wedding to Laker player Lamar Odom. Who says the days of publishing's excessive spending are over? [Page Six]
  
  
• For reasons that escape us, fashion designer Marc Jacobs will reportedly join the cast of gay network Logo's Kept, which is basically Real Housewives with gay men. Watch A-List become C-list! [NYDN]
  
  
• Dita Von Teese's new Wonderbra ad campaign has been released. It's vampy. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jude Law won't be winning father of the year: he's demanding a DNA test to prove that Samantha Burke's tot really came from his loins. [MSNBC]

Never mind 90210 actress Shenae Grimes, who, well, stinks. Drake, who was born Aubrey Drake Graham, actually has talent. For true! And, more than that, he's doing quite well.

His single "Best I Ever Had" was number one on Billboard's R&B and rap charts. And another single, "Successful," reached number three. Numbers, of course, don't make the man, so let's examine the aforementioned tracks.

First, "Best I Ever Had." Yes, this song's about how some "ho" absolutely wants Drake's bizness, but, despite the egotistical bravado, "Best" actually comes across as rather sweet: "You can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice." Awww, our cold heart's thawing!

Now, "Successful." We've included the video above. While Drake does sing about wanting hoes, money and cars, he also warns "too much will kill ya." There's no room for greed here, for modest success, he insists, quite charmingly, is far more important. Being ostentatious simply isn't for him. He's far too sensitive.
Even if you disagree with our take on this, hopefully you can agree the 22-year old far outshines his formerDegrassi castmates. This is assuming, of course, that the CW's Vampire Diaries, which stars another Degrassi actress, Nina Dobrev, will suck. Which it will.

Regardless of your opinion, there's no doubt Drake will get far in the wild world of music. He's already worked with the annoying-yet-talented Kanye, musical genius Lil Wayne, Eminem and Trey Songz. If that combination can't help him beat the competition, nothing will.

Whoa, time warp. Remember those glittery old 1990s nights when you'd watch 90210 and then, right after, there would be Melrose Place waiting for you—a bitchy, bruised little giftbox. Well, in my case, in the early years at least, that only happened if the babysitter let me stay up. But still! We will soon get to relive those old days, only in a way shittier way! At the CW's upfronts yesterday they revealed that, yes, in fact, the new MP reboot will air on Tuesday nights right after the new, horrible 90210. So let your kids stay up late. Who knows, one day they could grow up to be gossip bloggers. Proud parents! [Variety]

Oh this sounds good. Rosario Dawson has just signed on to play opposite Kevin James in the romantic comedy The Zookeeper. The film is a about, um, a zookeeper whose animals teach him how to meet the ladies. Leslie Bibb from Popular is gonna be in it too. [Variety]

TNT is making a play to become the sixth major network, even though it's still stuck with that ugly basic-cable label. They held their own upfronts yesterday with notables like Dylan McDermott on hand to plug their cop dramas. In the upcoming months we may also see a Steven Spielberg-produced drama about aliens, a drama about a "down-on-his-luck" attorney, and a Kyra Sedgwick/Kevin Bacon-produced drama about a small town Texas sheriff called Zapata, Texas. TNT knows drama! Especially if it's half-baked brooding crime drama. [THR]

Roadside Attractions has picked up distrib rights to Happy Tears, which stars Demi Moore, Parker Posey, Rip Torn, and Ellen Barkin. Seeing as it's an indie and it's called Happy Tears, any guesses what it's about? Yep. You guessed it. It's about a wackily dysfunctional family. It comes out early next year. [THR]

Ohhh girl, get your reality on! The 22nd installment of MTV's syphilis-ridden warhorse The Real World will premiere on June 24th. The season is set in beautiful Cancun, Mexico and, since we haven't read any news reports about a tanned body full of booze turning up in a ditch outside Puerto Morelos, we'll just assume that Bryannica's case is still considered a "voluntary disappearance" by the Mexian authorities. [Variety]

The Sag Wars are heating up again. Which side will you fall on? Will you side with history? Are you willing to die by the SAG sword? Kate Walsh says vote yes. Do you really want to be on the losing side if Kate Walsh is victorious? She's a bloodthirsty maniac, hellbent on creating nothing less than global chaos and misery, after all. I mean, have you seen that show Private Practice? [Variety]

"Who is even here worth talking to anyway?" she was overheard saying in front of a lineup that included national bigwigs Entertainment Tonight Canada and eTalk.

She somehow managed to cram all of that ego backstage, where she waved off the media room. "I try to f—king avoid all that sh-t," she was heard saying. She must have been all blabbed out from that People magazine feature, where she denied being difficult to work with, partying too much, and having an eating disorder. She certainly put the latter rumour to rest. "She demanded to know where her dinner was," a source says.

One wave of a handler's hand and Grimes's dinner had almost magically appeared—but the nascent diva flipped over the plate of Tim Hortons Timbits smothered in brown gravy as if it were the most disgusting thing she had ever seen. There's no pleasing some girls.

• Shenae Too Big For Canada [celebedge.sympatico.msn.ca]

The current addition to the film's confirmed cast? None other than Defamer love object Jessica Walter! During an interview with PopWrap, Walter diplomatically addressed her 90210 downsizing, but immediately kicked the CW show to the curb when talk turned to the Arrested Development movie:

PW: How much have you missed working on "Arrested"?
Jessica: Now there was a show! I do miss it, I miss the people and I miss the writing. Mitch Hurwitz ["Arrested Development" creator], so brilliant!

PW: How did you get the official word?
Jessica: They called me and asked if I was on board. It was like "duh!" No question whatsoever.

PW: Are you looking forward to having the gang back together again?
Jessica: It is exciting - how they'll ever get everybody involved together, I have no idea. Luckily that's not my problem.

PW: What about rumors that Michael Cera won't be returning?
Jessica: I don't know about that, but how about him? It's funny, he's the nicest, quietest, most laid-back kid - and he was on the show too. You just didn't think that this guy was going to be a huge movie star. He was so quiet, so non-showbizzy. I mean, I'm not surprised because he's so talented, but it happened so fast - within a year.

Walter goes on to say that filming will begin in the spring or summer, provided the script is finished in time. Then, she throws a bone to the hardcore fans:

PW: I know there are a lot of gems, but does anything stand out for you as a favorite line?
Jessica: One of my favorites, because it was so delightful, was this scene in a restaurant with Portia [de Rossi] and a waitress comes over and says something about a fried or smoked sandwich, and Lucille says something like "I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it." That was just so crazy and so real - this poor little blonde trashbox waitress - that was my favorite amongst many, many brilliant pieces of dialogue.

Madam, we raise a vodka gimlet in your honor. Now if you'll excuse us, Cerberus is hungry, and the Hot Pockets? They do nothing!

• Jessica Walter: 'I'll Die If Lucille Bluth Dies In The Movie!' [Popwrap]

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

When it comes to her role on the new 90210, Jennie says she keeps in touch with former nemesis Shannen Doherty even when they're not working together on the show.

"I tried to text her yesterday and I couldn't find her number!" she tells OK!. "I had it in my phone and I couldn't figure out where it went."

Eventually, husband Peter Facinelli told Garth that scrawling a phone number on the back of the phone with a periwinkle crayon is perhaps not the most secure method for retaining a contact (even less so when the number is mistakenly filed under, "HellBitch, Shannen"). Don't worry, Jennie — you'll lick this problem yet!

• Jennie Garth: Divorce is Not an Option[OK!]

From its early days on radio, the soap opera has been the most successful dramatic formula in the serial medium. The buzz around the beautiful young people of Gossip Girl is now just off its zenith, and if there's one thing to know about soaps, it's that they can run hot and cold. (The OC went from must-watch to the Mischa Barton crazy show in under three episodes.) Midday soaps like Days of Our Lives and General Hospital may not last much longer, so it's even more crucial that the CW bring back a few of our favorites and soap us up.

The Show: Dallas
Spin That Reinvents It For Today: Dallas had incredible longevity, running from 1978 to 1991. It was one of the most massive successes in the television medium, and yet you can barely find it today. Soaps slip more quickly from our collective subconscious because of their repetitiveness. You wouldn't want to watch the travails of a Texas oil family now, but how about a family that owns a bunch of windmills and really cares about the frontier of clean energy and has hot sex constantly?
Chances Our Dream Comes True: In these times, the big southern family will be more pressed than ever. And since we're dealing with a strong and aggressive Russia that flashes us back to the Cold War period, Dallas is ready for a renaissance. (Nick Gillespie and Matt Welch recently chronicled the show's brilliance, calling it "a bourbon-and-sex-soaked caricature of free enterprise that proved irresistible and catalytic." Amen.)

The Show: Soap, the genre-crossing hilarious comedy that tested boundaries
Spin That Reinvents It For Today: We really need a contemporary version of All in the Family, but that kind of humor isn't fodder for a sitcom. It's much easier to cross some lines when you don't have to do a comedy, necessarily, and Soap knew that. Created by Golden Girls scribe Susan Harris, Soap would need some changes — some of its backstory is out of date now, and it could use some prettier actors — but it's tailor-made for a revival.
Chances Our Dream Comes True: As soon as it's made patently obvious to the TV industry that controversy=ratings, we'll be seeing another version of Soap to push the envelope about what we think we know.

The Show: Hill Street Blues, Steven Bochco's first successful foray into the soapy cop drama territory he'd later mine with NYPD Blue.
Spin That Reinvents It For Today: While NYPD Blue is largely forgotten today, Hill Street Blues is essentially a cop soap that aged a lot better. But really, what new can be done in the police genre at this point? Commissioned by legendary NBC executive Brandon Tartikoff, Hill Street Blues is concept to skew young with. Make a bunch of up-and-coming actors into stars and then trade on their reputation later on — it's the Hollywood way. At its heart, HSB's focus on the ongoing human drama represented the first conflation of the soap concept with another genre ever done on TV.
Chances Our Dream Comes True: Since The CW doesn't have a show that can stretch to entertain kids and adults, the story of young, beautiful cops should have fans in every home.

The Show: Saturday morning candy treat Saved by the Bell
Spin That Reinvents It For Today: Since the TNT series Raising the Bar has about as much prayer of getting renewed for a second season as it does for winning an Emmy, Mark-Paul Gosselaar will be available for the gutsy Richard Belding role. And since everything in a Saved by the Bell would need to be more attractive, this could work as long as Dustin Diamond is kept as far away from the project as possible. Also, you're telling me Tiffani Amber Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkley wouldn't jump at the chance to work again?
Chances Our Dream Comes True: The NBC spin-off Saved by the Bell: The College Years was the wrong direction for a show that needed to skew younger. The last good show about kids in high school was Freaks and Geeks, and while it couldn't attract an audience at the time, it was a critical success and a hit on DVD. Couldn't a similar mischievous revival mark another financial windfall in the Apatow portfolio?

Maybe someday The CW will bring back Temptation Island, the greatest reality show in history, as a primetime-soap. You could just reenact the old episodes of the Fox series: it was that good.

Journey to a Land of Temptation [Hulu]

Boomp3.com

90210 & Degrassi: The Next Generation star Shenae Grimes was surprised by the attention she received after leaving the Blackberry Bold party on Thursday night. Stepping into a sea of flash bulbs, Grimes paused and said, “Really? All this for me? It’s flattering, but I assure there’s somebody more famous coming out of that party real soon.” A lone snapper stepped forward and explained that they’re actually Blackberry super fans and they just wanted to get a snapshot of the new phone for their respective tech blogs. Another added, “Yeah, we got this really cool shot of Heidi and Spencer licking a Blackberry Storm like an ice cream sandwich. So could you do something equally as wacky?” Grimes retrieved the phone from the gift bag and pretended to take a bite out of it while rubbing her stomach.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

A 90210 insider says while it's true that Walter's contract option was not picked up for the second half of the season, the Arrested Development grande dame has agreed to appear on a recurring basis, her schedule permitting.

"Fans have not seen the last of Tabitha," assures executive producer Gabe Sachs. "We love Jessica."

According to my moles, the decision to take Walter off contract was made purely for financial reasons. As the show continues to evolve, it didn't make sense to, as one 90210 insider puts it, "pay her all that money to utter two funny lines an episode."

Instead, 90210 will continue to invest in headline-grabbing vets like Shannen Doherty, as well as characters that drive story, such as Jessica Lowndes' Adrianna (who was just made a series regular).

The idea that Jessica Walter might not be 90210's most valuable asset? We don't understand the question, and we won't respond to it. Reluctantly, we must drag BluthWatch '08 back out of the mothballs (and without so much as an Arrested Development movie to provide Walter with a soft landing!). Surely the producers could have found ways to incorporate Tabitha into the high school storylines — after all, aren't cougars hot right now? Perhaps we'd finally become invested in the terminally bland West Bev hunk "Ethan" if he suddenly started showing up under Tabitha's caftans. 90210 writers, consider that one a freebie.

• 9021-Oh No They Didn't: Jessica Walter Taken Off Contract [EW]

SUNDAY

Desperate Housewives Time Travels
The big surprise in last season's finale was a series of short scenes showing the characters five years in the future. The new season picked up where that left off, with everyone older and not necessarily wiser. It's a bit gimmicky, yes, but it's allowed them to jettison tiresome plotlines and create brand new ones (Lynette's rambunctious twin boys are now rambunctious twin young men!). While some of us here at HQ still find the show to be a bit of a whiny bore, others are digging the series like it was the first season all over again. B+

Entourage's Cameoverload
The HBO boyfest LA answer to girl business New Yorkfest Sex and the City has been overdoing it with the celebrity guest appearances, yes. But its arc has also been pat and frustrating. Drama has reached Inspector Clouseau levels of idiocy, Turtle has been given little to do, E continues to rankle in his snappy-short-guy-who's-kinda-earnest way, Adrien Grenier still cannot act, and poor Jeremy Piven is going to drive himself to an early grave with all his senseless bellowing. Credit to the underused Debi Mazar and Rex Lee for keeping their characters fresh and fun, though. C-

Dexter Is Still Killer
Showtime's gory character study about a Miami forensics expert cum justice-seeking serial killer (Michael C. Hall, steamy as ever) and the people who orbit him is still as thrilling as ever. Good grades go to Jennifer Carpenter's sassy new haircut, the always-dependable Lauren Vélez and David Zayas as Dexter's weary partners in crime fighting, and to the softly heartbreaking Julie Benz who brings a quiet dignity to every tiny scene she's in. This season's chief storyline (so far), concerning Dexter's accidental murder of an ADA's (Jimmy Smits) brother, is tense and ominous. You know, as the show should be. A-

True Blood, Truly
It's campy and silly at times, yes, but with the ever-increasing mysterious death toll, we're hooked now. Anna Paquin-factor be damned. B

Mad Men
Oh you know it's good. A

MONDAY

Gossip Girl & The Hills: Hurt So Good
The Upper East Side teen soap (fiction) and the Los Angeles post-teen soap (reality!) are both dumb and gut-churning sometimes, yes, but both have mostly been hitting on as many cylinders as they can so far this season. GG has tempered the silly melodrama of last season with more groan-inducing witty New Yorky references and word play, while The Hills has mined some sneakily affecting emotional depths. (Well, not really that affecting, but you know, relatively.) It's what the kids are watching and really, they could be doing worse. GG: B+, Hills: B-

Two and a Half Men Apparently Exists
Yeah, apparently it does. And lots of people watch it. Sigh. D

TUESDAY

Greek Is The Best Show You're Probably Not Watching
Well the third season of this terrific little confection of a college series is almost over, but I'm told the entire first season is available for your ears and eyeballs to consume online. It's a funny, sweet, nice-but-not-too-nice dramedy about a college in Ohio (where it's always sunny and warm!), that has soared these past couple of months. That Greek (heh!) guy from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is on it, and, well, swoon. The various romantic polygons have remarkably not gotten tired, and the sore-thumb single gay plotline has been treated calmly and evenly. Go watch! A-

Please Do Not Watch 90210
This excreble misery of a remake is a sloppily-made, boring piece of drivel that mind-bogglingly managed to even underestimate the taste level of squealing teenage girls. With seemingly no feel for plot structure, continuity, character, or humor, the writers have blundered along, serving us tepid little piles of gruel that—despite the presence of o.g. stars Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth (plus a hilarious Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez line)—woefully pale in comparison to the original teen whine and cheese party. Ugh. F-

Fringe: WTF?
OK, we admit we only watched the first episode of this sci-fi CSI meets X-Files pastiche. And we admit to sort of enjoying it. But nothing really pulled us back in. Joshua Jackson, way late of Dawson's Creek, is as wannabe suave and charming as ever, Anna Torv is sort of hard to pin down, and Lance Reddick is left to lurk in the shadows, reminding of us better work like The Wire and Lost. Who has kept up with this? How's it doing? We guess right now we'll give it a C

WEDNESDAY

Goodbye Forever, Project Runway
So it ends tonight, whatever. This season has been kind of unbearable, save for a few highlights (Leanne! Sort of!), with its annoying catchphrases, untalented contestants, and uninspired challenges. When the show comes back as a sad Pontiac Phoenix rising from the ashes on Lifetime (or, um, maybe not), we're pretty sure we're not going to watch it. Which is sad, because it used to be so damn good. Ah well. To everything a season and blah blah. C-

I Suppose There Have Been Other Things Airing On Wednesday Nights?
Um, let's see here.. Lipstick Jungle? No thanks. Knight Rider? Certainly not. America's Next Top Model? Never in a million years. Oh here we go. Top Design. Wait. Wait, nope. Not that either.

THURSDAY

Clocking In At The Office
We've only had two episodes, but they've been squirmy, swoony delights thanks mostly to the rainy day engagement between floppy old Jim and frizzy old Pam—though, it'd be nice to have her back in the actual office, rather than flirting it up with that teddy bear dude from Mad Men—and to the pitch-perfect Amy Ryan as a strange, nerdy, cautious love interest for ever-bumbling Michael Scott. Kudos also to the show's writers for giving lesser-seen characters like Meredith their chances to shine. A-

Kath & Kim
Sad. Just sad. Such high hopes for the usually likable Molly Shannon and Selma Blair, but this Australian import just didn't connect. D

Live From New York It's... Thursday Night?
Because of some sort of political and economic foofaraw going on these days, Lorne Michaels and co. have decided to add a special Thursday version of their Saturday Night Live Weekend Update segment to the NBC lineup. You know, to stay current and all. We've only had one so far (they'll run up to the election), and it was funny in parts and strained and awkward in others. The thing is, SNL is so skimpy on the funny as is, it seems a bit foolish to stretch out their best material to two nights a week. But, we'll keep watching for now and give it a tentative B.

It Really Is Always Sunny In Philadelphia
FX's hilarious, filthy, swear-filled, low-budget comedy It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia continues to blow the brain with out-there yet somehow completely salient themes like the gas crisis and how to fake one's own death. A

(Note: Please come back, '30 Rock.' Pleeeassse??)

THOSE OTHER TWO NIGHTS NORMAL PEOPLE SPEND DRUNK

Friday and Saturday... I dunno. I guess there's new stuff on, but who really watches. So instead let's take a moment to discuss the real TV this fall, which of course has been news and various humorous reportings on said news. As we said above, there seems to be some sort of election happening as well as some coverage of the large and troubling black hole that recently opened up here in New York, south of Worth Street. The "news" programs, as they were, have been of course loud and shouty and irksome and saturated with the kind of editorializing and conjecture that has somehow slunk its way to the top of the heap. It's so rare, like really honestly rare, these days to see any reporting that's not loaded with opinions and speculation and all manner of rabid fame-clawing by correspondents desperate to earn the next truckload of sweet ass O'Reilly or Olbermann cash. Fuck who's in the tank for who, let's toss out both tanks and start from scratch. And yes, though I like her, I'm willing to throw the Maddow out with the bathwater. F+

The parody shows, chiefly The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, have fared far better because, duh, there's just so. much. to make fun of. It's no surprise that these arch hosts (Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert) are performing ably, but all of their correspondents, writers, and editors have also been more on top of their game than we've seen in a long time. Wherever you fall on the issues (crazy, nonsensical shortsightedness vs. Barack Obama), the back-to-back lineup is always worth watching. A+

So that's that! Tell us what else you've been watching and if you've enjoyed it in the comments. And, you know, disagree with me. Because really I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.

The clip, after the jump:

• Declare Yourself: The Muzzler [YouTube]

Sure, 90210 lead Shenae Grimes might seem to be all smiles these days, but underneath that perma-grin is a world of teenage angst. Bashed by Us Weekly and Penn Badgley for being too thin, the actress has taken to her Myspace blog in an attempt to defend herself. Like a big, juicy meal that will remain uneaten, Grimes prefers not to be picked at, ultimately concluding, "I'm sorry if you dont like it, but this is who I am":

Hey guys!

I didnt think my next blog would be so soon, but I guess it is!

But what im here to blog about is my recent cover of the tabliods and my highly criticized smoking habit.

Now, as you all know now probably, I graced my first major magazine cover, only to be called "too skinny" alongside my co-star Jessica Stroup. I would like to say once again that neither me or Jessica have issues with our weight or bodies. I happened to be very small built, and ive always been skinny. So I personally think that people need to stop criticizing everyone in the media these days about their issues. Im sure you wouldnt like it if someone pointed out all of your flaws and all of your mistakes... but thats what the media does to us. Anyways, im ranting.. so onto my next issue.

Tmz has criticized my smoking habit. I cant say that im proud of it, but there are so many people struggling with the addiction nowadays. I started smoking at about 16, and 1 in 5 teenagers smoke. Im not going to really go into the issue, but my hope is that you will all just stop hating and get on with it. I smoke. My choice. Im sorry if you dont like it, but this is who I am. If you actually would like to read the article, its posted on the TMZ website (I will post a link at the bottom.). Ive read some of the comments, they arrent the most supportive, but im doing the best to ignore them and just move on.

Duly noted, Shenae — though we can't help but feel that your blog would have gone down better with some of Silver's finger puppets and production values. Also, no rebuttal to the gossip about your hot-tempered Canadian attitude? You may be a Degrassi alum, but we'll need some more candor before we can say that this blog really "goes there."

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Shenae Grimes blogs about recent tabloid rumors [ONTD]