AOL — remember that company? — did mess with the 30 Rock star, because it is staffed by worthless, non-journalistic guttersnipes, as far as Baldwin is concerned.

Baldwin, you see, wrote a perfectly innocent column last week about how he's a fan of liberal MSNBC commentators Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow, but Olbermann "wastes too much time pissing on Bush" while Maddow's "writers are dreadful."

Then AOL.com had to go and say Baldwin "picked a fight" with the anchors.

Which is unfair, sure, but also par for the course on the AOL home page. Traffic-baiting the internet's lowest common denominator is what AOL has been doing since forever. It's the company's reason for being. That and collecting modem fees from people too unfortunate or technically inept to get broadband, already.

But Baldwin is very worked up. This AOL garbage is important! It illustrates Baldwin's number two journalism lesson: Journalism does not happen online, because there is too much filth.

The sine qua non to understanding the garbage barge of the internet is the AOL home page. The AOL home page, which makes Us Weekly look like Paris Match, wants its readers to focus on the latest unflattering photos of stars or their DUIs...

That's the Internet. Some great, serious, lofty thinking, one click away. The AOL home page, like a filthy dinner plate, just begging to be scraped and washed, another click away.

Alec Baldwin, of course, wrote this on the internet, on a site reporting the latest unflattering celebrity picture just a click away from his column, and carrying some high-profile amateur journalism just a click or two beyond that.

The perpetually, pleasingly piqued actor wasn't saying anything we didn't already know, but we still got something out of reading him nevertheless. Maybe there's a third journalism lesson in that.

Alec Baldwin just attended opening night of Gen Art film fest for his premiere of Lymelife and secretly walked out with Stylista winner Johanna Cox.

Not clear if Baldwin walked out during Lymelife or sometime after. Our tipster later clarified that Baldwin walked out during Lymelife.

A "Visions of Johanna" joke would work here, as would the trusty old "thoughtless little pig" reference. (That one never quite gets old, does it?)

• Rihanna might be a "loser" to Donald Trump for going back to Chris "I Will Kill You" Brown, but the singer presumably hopes the epic duet she's recording with Brown will set everyone straight. Decide for yourself if Rihanna deserves the inevitable late-night jokes about her "smash hit" and so forth.
• Marc Jacobs explained Photoshop shrinkage to Victoria Beckham. Concerning his nude photo in January's Harper's Bazzar: "They've done this horrible thing, Victoria. They've airbrushed me, so I look like a Ken doll." [WWD]
• Alec Baldwin doesn't care if you're 11 years old, or 12 years old, or a child — you will watch his Turner Classic Movies cinema showcase show when the appointed time comes, Saturday 8 pm, and have the decency to have the God-d*maned television turned on! [Variety]
• Eighteen months from blissful wedding to bitter divorce and the gossip columns. It's another JDate success story. Literally! [P6]
  
• Quentin Tarantino is going around town dressed like a bum. [P6]
  
• Now Paris Hilton has attached herself to Douglas Reinhardt from The Hills. It's too late to use tape recordings of their conversations on prisoners at Gitmo. [Mirror]

finwar's new line beats the original, "Can I Interest You in Some Champale?"

Namely, the McFlurry references felt organic, as 30 Rock has a habit of tying that sort of jokey, downmarket fast food to its most glamorous guest stars (witness Isabella Rossellini declaring her lifelong love for the Arby's "Big Beef and Cheddar" way back in Season One). No, it's the constant, prominent placement of the iPhone in the last two episodes that's really caught our eye. Every character seems to own one, make calls on one, and constantly show off pictures on one (in lengthy close-ups, no less)—even Jack Donaghy, who we totally figured for a Blackberry Storm man.

Here's a mere sampling of the iPhone's screen time over the last two weeks. And yes, we took these pictures off our TV using the iPhone. Can we have our money now?

• 30 Rock [NBC]

This bizarro sketch about circumcision and gay stuff (glory holes, mostly) was short and weird and sweet. Will Forte seems to be responsible for these ones.

The Fourth Jonas Brother sketch was good for two reasons. First because Alec Baldwin is just a funny fellow and looks good in a wig. Second because the Jonas Brothers didn't get any applause when they first showed up, which was hilarious, and they didn't seem to get that they were being made fun of the whole time. Ha.

In this one, it looks like they're masturbating!

The Vincent Price Valentine's Day special skit was probably the best of the evening. Those ones are always good though, if only because Kristen Wiig generally does a whacked-out Judy Garland or, in this case, Carol Channing impression. Raspberries! Too bad it's not available for embedding.

This week's episode featured Alec Baldwin and Salma Hayek sexily purring over the greatness of the McD's Blizzard knockoff, the McFlurry. It wasn't the clever, winking product placement that can get away with itself; it was more like bad ad copy. You can only do the clever, winking thing a few times, and it burns itself out. NBC boy wonder Ben Silverman's enthusiastic embrace of product placement is just as tight as ever, because the money it brings in could be the one of the only things helping him hang onto his job.

So you should actually expect to see more shit like this in the shows you thought were too cool for it. It's the new price they have to pay to remain on air. As Michael Hirschorn points out, the wave of the future is more and more disposable crap coming to prime time TV (including, he thinks, "the Today show, or some version thereof" moving to an 8 p.m. slot). Jay Leno was only the beginning. [NY Mag]

And having invested so much time in being a good guest himself on shows like Saturday Night Live, Baldwin no doubt disdains your disastrous performance on the Late Show the other night.

On the bright side, this is but the first of many times you'll serve as the punch-line for a joke about drugs or TV interviews. Should keep your name out there.

Today on The View, the ladies bowed their heads as if at church to soberly listen to the tape of Christian Bale's DP-excoriating rant (though Elisabeth Hasselbeck cracked up during Bale's angry, "da-da-da-da" moment). Afterwards, though, they were mostly sympathetic—Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar confessed to some less-than-professional behavior, and View censors actually bleeped out a purely hypothetical rant where Behar mused about calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck an "asshole" (she's said worse!). The storytelling prompted Sherri Shepherd to confess that she would never be capable of such a thing, but she's certainly worked with some men who've had no trouble channeling their inner Bale. Of course, they all pale in comparison to View doyenne Barbara Walters when she's been deprived of her usual morning mug full of coffee, cayenne pepper, and the finger bones of Debbie Matenopolous. The screaming that follows that makes Bale look like an unimaginative, held-back second-grader.

• The View [ABC]

Six Sigma has been part of America's corporate culture for a couple decades now; some 80 percent of the 100 largest American companies now use it. But General Electric, NBC's parent, is particularly famous for its Six Sigma fetish. GE does not think it's a laughing matter: "It is not a secret society, a slogan or a cliche," GE's website harrumphs.

What does it means in practice? As Universal found out after GE bought the Hollywood studio, it means lots and lots of meetings. "They are very focused on results," Universal Studios president Ron Meyer said of his new owners to the Times in 2004, after the acquisition. "They don't want surprises."

The idea behind Six Sigma is that every process of a business should be executed with as few errors as possible — the target Six Sigma aims for is 3.4 errors in every 1 million attempts. Now, lots of companies follow silly management philosophies. But Six Sigma takes on religious overtones at G.E. because of its followers fervent belief that it is a universal belief, enforced in every facet of the corporate empire. Even, at one point, according to a (maybe apocryphal) well-told anecdote to comedy writing. Former GE chief executive Jack Welch is said to have once ordered the counting of the number of laughs each episode of NBC's sitcoms.

Eliminating deviations is entirely wrongheaded when the audience wants something fundamentally new. Six Sigma's not a bad practice for industrial manufacturing, but it's not easily applied to fields like information technology, entertainment, R&D, or startups — in other words, everything that increasingly drives what's left of our economy.

Then again, maybe Fey, who bought a copy of Six Sigma for Dummies, is learning something. When 30 Rock launched in 2006, Fey sprinkled episodes with Six Sigma jokes. One of her comedic predecessors, David Letterman, delighted in mocking GE after it bought NBC. Here is a process that can be defined, measured, analyzed, improved and controlled: biting the hand that feeds you. It delivers a laugh every time. The black belts would be proud.

E! caught up with Edie Falco, who recurred memorably as Baldwin's love interest on the last season of 30 Rock. The actress said she'd love to make a return appearance in the sitcom—ironic, as she was terrified to do it at first until Baldwin's performance advice calmed her down:

As for working with this year's Best Actor and Actress in TV Golden Globes winners, Falco says, "I was actually very scared. You watch Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey; it's like they are speaking Swahili. It's like, 'What the hell is this?'"

Still, she says she learned a lot, especially from Mr. Jack Donaghy himself: "Alec Baldwin actually said to me, 'Everything you ever taught yourself as an actor not to do because it's bad acting, do it on this show.' Because it's larger than life, it's just different."

In a world where 30 Rock is filled with "bad acting," we can't imagine what tier the performances on 'Til Death, Two and a Half Men, and Gary Unmarried fall into. Sorry, Steve Carell and David Duchovny—do a little worse next time, and Baldwin's Golden Globe could be yours!

• Is Edie Falco Coming Back to 30 Rock? [E!]

• Alec Baldwin will host the New York Philharmonic's national radio broadcasts after telling the New Yorker that was his dream job. And after garnering unexpected national attention for one of his own audio recordings. [P6]
• Howie Mandel was hospitalized for an irregular heartbeat while away from home in Toronto. [People]
• In exchange for getting to go nearly insane acting in a Broadway play while raising a child, Katie Holmes must produce Tom Cruise another baby and gain some weight. That's the deal, supposedly. [Showbiz Spy]
• Tom Wilkinson doesn't like talking about his Valkyrie co-star Tom Cruise. Meanwhile, Tracy Morgan, who E! can't help but confuse with his 30 Rock character Tracy Jordan, can't stop talking about how amazing Cruise's handshake is. [E!]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt obtained a restraining order against the 62-year-old who has been inundating her with dozens of explicit letters. Actually, the usual verb is that she "won" a restraining order, like a prize or something. [AP]
• Jeremy Piven said he really truly had mercury poisoning. "The truth is — that I ended up in the hospital for three days. This play meant the world to me... I had a resting heart rate of 47, I had six times the average person’s mercury level." [Gatecrasher]
• Leonardo DiCaprio, who Miley Cyrus WILL marry, requested a ladder so he could climb into a Golden Globes-related dinner undetected by the paparazzi. Kate Bosworth held hands with a Hollywood suit. Paris Hilton was turned away at the door. Sounds like a party.
  
• Jill Ishkanian lost a $55 million suit against former employer Us Weekly for purportedly trying to ruin her reputation. Now she owes $1 million in legal fees. [P6]
  
• Lauryn Hill "wandered in right off the street" for a horse-riding lesson. [P6]

This is just one element of the absolutely insane story Baldwin tells actor Christopher Kennedy Lawford for Moments of Clarity, Lawford's new book about addiction. Back when Baldwin was the trim, hirsute nighttime soap star you see pictured, he often found himself in druggy, boozy parties late at night, and why not? Naturally, he would cope with his inebriation by driving to an arcade warehouse at sunup to play Galaga. As you do.

"I would play video games from, like, 9 a.m. to 11 a.m., and I would wind down. Then I'd go home and go to bed," Baldwin writes.

"This was the only way I could go 'beta' and go into that state I needed to be, where I could calm down and take my mind off everything. I didn't want to see anybody, talk to anybody, deal with anybody."

A "moment of clarity" came when he saw pity in the face of Julian, the person who ran the parlor.

"I was doing a show then [Knots Landing], making tens of thousands of dollars a week, which was part of the problem," he writes.

"Julian would put the key in the lock and open the door, and he would just kind of look at me like, 'Wow, I'm glad I'm not you.' "

Baldwin agreed. "You got no idea, Julian. Julian, I need you. I need you to get that key and open the f- - -ing door and let me in. I got to play 'Galaga.' "

Lost in the videogame's tractor beam, Baldwin found an addiction that could replace any cheap thrill produced by alcohol or drugs. Who needs chemical highs when you have the high scores of the sequel to Galaxian? Donkey Kong, the Burgertime chef, that cheap floozy Ms. Pac-Man...they don't judge, or ask why your lapel smells like Wild Turkey and hashish. They just beep and bop and beep and bop, providing a support group as pixellated as a drugged actor's eyes.

• BALDWIN: I WAS AN ALEC-OHOLIC [NY Post]

Variety reports that vocal strike authorization supporter Frances Fisher recently forwarded an email, to a "significant number" of Screen Actors Guild members, which encourages voters to cast their SAG Awards ballots for anyone but the several notable nominees who have publicly opposed the union's possible strike, some citing the troubled economy. The emailer wrote:

If I were a regular, ordinary, not-rich-and-famous actor, and if I wanted my union to be strong so it could fight for me ... would I want to give any of these rich-and-famous UNION-UNDERMINERS my vote?

He or she was referring to: Steve Carell, Michael C. Hall, Kevin Spacey, Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin, Tony Shalhoub, Sally Field, and Josh Brolin. In, sum, all of these rich and famous folks are nominated for SAG awards this year, and the anonymous actor doesn't want them to win a beautiful trophy. That'd be showing 'em!

What's a bit strange is that some of these richie rich actors against the strike—which would, in part, fight to guarantee a residuals system for online content—are noted godless lefty progressives who should be down with the union's struggle against big bad corporate-minded producers! (I'm looking at you, Susan Sarandon and Alec Baldwin.) It's a tricky matter when the industry's myriad behind-the-scenes workers are considered—workers who would be, like they were during the WGA strike early last year, shit out of luck if a work-stoppage (which even those who support the authorization referendum are hoping desperately to avoid) were to go through. That's probably the concern of these eight people, though they may, overall, not feel quite as adamant about heckling over residual dollars as some of their lesser-known peers who, like, need to pay the rent and stuff.

Fisher had asked that her name be removed from the email if any of the recipients decided to forward the missive on to anyone else, but, well, oops! Former SAG president (and Veda Sultenfuss' uncle) Richard Masur compared the email to a blacklist and said that Fisher should publicly condemn the boycott, by way of an apology. The glittery, beautiful TNT-aired SAG awards shouldn't be sullied by politics!, the argument seems to be.

Meanwhile the 90% of SAG members who are out of work and not invited to the awards show and don't know these fools from Adam, shrug their shoulders and say "spare a quarter?"

Proposed Voting Boycott Irks SAG [Variety]

• Tina Fey's sexy new feud with Alec Baldwin just had to be manufactured to promote 30 Rock, right? I mean, really. Alec: "Get ready to do a lot of airbrushing." Tina: "Something wrong with my face?" Alec: It's your entire body that's the problem. Tina: This is coming from a guy with a double chin who thinks Sarah Palin is hot. [Star]
• Meet the four sisters who helped lure people into Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme (via their dad's investment firm). They shared the same "handsome stud in college," married men in different corners of the world and in "each locale, they were soon infiltrating country clubs and helping spread the word for Noel [Walter]'s Fairfield Greenwich Group." [P6]
• Kanye West offered to design clothes for Barack Obama to "go to the club in." [Sun]
• Box office for Jeremy Piven's play is down 33 percent with the "mercury" poisoned actor gone. William H. Macy doesn't replace him until January 11. [Post]
• The picture is telling me Katie Holmes just bought seven pairs of jeans, but apparently it was Nicole Kidman? WHY MUST KATIE STILL HAUNT NICOLE EVERYWHERE CONSTANTLY? [P6]
• Now Paris Hilton's uncle has been robbed, also for more than a million dollars in valuables. [Daily Star]
• Marisa Tomei's boyfriend is 12 years younger and was an actor on The O.C. They met performing in a play. [P6]

Baldwin didn't want to talk about his past heartache even though, hello, he wrote a book about it. When Behar pressed him, he asked Behar what color her underwear was, to show what it feels like to be asked a personal question. She answered without blinking. Twice. (We were swooning at this point. About the question, not the underwear. Whatever.)

She pressed on, even when Baldwin tried to ask her more personal questions (Behar shut him down), or ridicule her journalism half-jokingly-but-half-seriously. Behar was not only far more at ease asking personal questions than King — not hard — but also far more at ease with such material than, frankly most TV journalists. She was utterly comfortable and unapologetic and, most importantly, totally uncowed by Baldwin. Credit her time on the View, or personality, whatever, but it was awesome!

Then Baldwin tried to butter her up at the end, and Behar totally wasn't having any of it.

Not that the two were at each other's throats. There was some underlying chumminess. But also plenty of underlying tension.

CNN should seriously consider Joy Behar Live, when Larry King retires, in the 22nd century.

(Excerpt video above.)

First, Baldwin blogged that Hillary Clinton's Senate spot ought to go to a woman (he suggested Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney), but shouldn't remain the "Celebrity Senate Seat" that Clinton transformed it into. Some of the HuffPo bloggers saw that as a veiled attack on potential seat-filler Caroline Kennedy, which Baldwin was not happy about:

Man-oh-man-oh-man! All of this tedious crap on the pages of this blog about how I do not love/appreciate Caroline Kennedy enough!

You're kidding, right?

My father was a Democratic committeeman in our home town. He took me to St. Patrick's for Senator Kennedy's funeral in 1968 when I was ten years old. I was bred to be a Democrat! I am friends with many members of that family. I am a fervent supporter of some of their individual causes. [...]

This is more about protecting a Democratic Senate seat than romanticizing it.

Appoint an individual (fine...man or woman) who has been elected to something. Something! Then there is a race in 2010, if I understand New York's electoral mechanics properly. That is not that long from now. Then certain New Yorkers could run. And probably win. I would probably vote for her (er...them).

Certainly, Alec knows a little something about the dynastic perils of politics; after all, were it not for his own good name, would we have had to deal with Stephen Baldwin's current right-wing punditry? Appoint Caroline Kennedy, and we could run the risk of a Senator with Miley Cyrus tattoos and a pressing need to give tax kickbacks to the Skinemax "erotic thriller" industry.

• Doing it with Care [HuffPo]

• Anderson Cooper's clothes shopping buddy was a "young Frenchman." No wonder the CNN anchor was in all black. [P6]
• This is what you get for letting Jack Donaghey into your union: New York actors are fighting against a planned TV strike with "nasty" enraged swipes at the Screen Actors Guild. [P6]
• Madonna and Guy Ritchie said they were just kidding, Guy did not get $75-90 million from the divorce, and they're not going to say how much he did get. [Mirror]
• Britney Spears may be headed for another breakdown, so she's asking ex-husband Kevin Federline to move back in with her, because she realizes he doesn't just want her for her money, even though he did all that golfing and Ferrari buying. Acting of their own accord, the singer's breasts wished the nation of Japan a Happy Christmas.
• Tom Cruise insists he never lost his BlackBerry in Toronto, as previously reported. So if "Tom Cruise's" BlackBerry turns up, he'll have no idea what those emails mean, why he would visit those websites or who's doing what to whom in those pictures. [Hollyscoop]
• Kelly Rutherford of Gossip Girl still breastfeeds her two-year-old, who can talk. Page Six, for one, is grossed out. [P6]
• Caroline Kennedy could be our next president, or so same anonymous tipsters apparently determined to make her look arrogant. [Cindy Adams]

Baldwin prepped for his SAG rager last night in New York by taking on some of the Beltway's heaviest hitters, a spectrum of inquiries demanding to know if he liked kissing Jennifer Aniston a few weeks back on 30 Rock, if Jack Donaghy and Liz Lemon might ever hook up, if he plans to buy a New York Mets casket, and the legal philosophies guiding joint-custody divorces. There's not a wasted word on the page, although a few of his more trenchant asides remind us how glad we are Baldwin finally agreed to meet his public:

Washington, D.C.: Good Afternoon Sir, If confronted with the situation in which you were in a knock down, drag out bar brawl including Val Kilmer, Tom Selleck, and Phil Collins, who wins and why?

Alec Baldwin: Although I could never envision myself in the same room with those three people, I have to give it to Phil Collins. From what I've seen, he's pretty fast with his hands.

[...]

Bennett Point, Md.: I polled my six children about their favorite Thomas the Tank Engine narrator and they rank you behind George Carlin and Ringo Starr. Do you consider them to be hard acts to follow?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah, it's never easy to follow people in any job when you're part of a series, and I was a great admirer of Carlin, and though Ringo Starr isn't known for narrating children's programs, I was a great admirer of him also.

"Was" a great admirer? Oh, fine — Ringo's dead to us, too.

• Alec Baldwin on Fatherhood, '30 Rock,' Politics and More [WP]

"He is one hefty man in person! Pretty much looks exactly as he does on TV."

People, for the benefit of the rest of the class, give up your bike for Alec Baldwin! Just once!

Although, given the actor's occasional  anger management issues, perhaps it's best if he avoids the violent world of spin. But it sounds like the temper is under control. Probably due to exercise!

• Alec Baldwin on Fatherhood, '30 Rock,' Politics and More - Canceled [WP]

A tipster follows up:

Your "Alec Baldwin in Love" Edition from 11/8, Saturday.........YUCK. That was him eating sushi with his DAUGHTER at Kushyu Restaurant in Woodland Hills. Whatever moron wrote that "tip" must be SICK. Granted, she's a really tall girl for her age, but she's ONLY 13 years old.

[Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

Still, even though the two bonded while discussing Baldwin's "right-winger" brother Stephen, Alec's vote is all sewn up. And, as he says, the candidate he's pulling for is not the "guy running with Bible Spice." Still, if Bible Spice would be down for a February sweeps cameo on 30 Rock, then bygones!

• Late Show [CBS]

The early reviews are already in, with mindless Times TV critic Alessandra Stanley bizarrely noting the show's "satire hews so closely to the original that it is almost mimicry" as part of her "rave." WaPo critic Tom Shales is particularly high on next week's Oprah episode. Though Shales notes that he prefers Fey's Palin to the dour Liz Lemon character, both think Fey's popular Palin impression will give 30 Rock a boost. We want to believe, but we have our doubts.

From its inception Tina Fey's show was destined to be a niche comedy that attracted SNL fans who enjoyed the insider-y view of NBC. For this third season, the network's promotional efforts have amped up. NBC is banking on the idea that Fey's Palin portrayal on a few highly rated SNLs and exposure in a modest hit film with a similar plotline in Baby Mama have given the show the exposure it needs to succeed in the high-profile post-Office timeslot.

Given that the stunt casting for this episode is Will & Grace shrillster Megan Mullally, we have to question this approach. It's hard to see how featuring Oprah as herself is going to create buzz for the show — Oprah's viewership doesn't care if she's on a comedy show about the backstage life of a comedy show past whatever episode she's on. Comedians Jerry Seinfeld and Al Gore didn't improve viewership, and a slighter higher caliber of stunt casting won't help matters.

The ongoing storyline this season will find Liz Lemon bringing a new baby boy or girl into her busy life, and it's a perplexing creative move. Artistically this didn't work out so great in the horrific Baby Mama, so consider us skeptical that it will add more viewers. And while Fey's Palin impersonation on Saturday Night Live was popular, it may not have won her friends in half the country.

That's not the say the show should have just stuck to what it was doing and hoped the audience caught on. Fox's Arrested Development died waiting for that to happen.

In the end, NBC's best way to make 30 Rock a hot ratings property may be through new media, not old. Making viewer-friendly decisions like making the premiere available on the web before tonight was a savvy move, and the show should punt DVD sales for awhile and promote its free presence on the popular Hulu service. We can't think of better advertising for 30 Rock than the show itself.

• After starring with Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live, Alec Baldwin said the Republican vice presidential nominee was not "someone who I wanted her hand on the nuclear button at any point." At least that's what he told David Letterman, before impersonating Palin. Video after the jump. [Extra]
• Courtenay Semel, daughter of former Yahoo chief Terry Semel, as quoted by a Caesar's Palace security guard in a lawsuit: "Do you even know who I am, f**king idiot?...Google me, you dumb f**k." [TMZ]
• Still in Britain, Paris Hilton showed up at a bar, looking for the nation's various strapping young princes. They weren't there, so she "tried to mingle" with the princes' friends. [London Paper]
• According to Bono, America is "Brand U.S.A.," and the election a "great chance to relaunch" that brand. The celebrity made these comments at a gathering of Starbucks baristas, probably after arriving in a hybrid limo powered by the incineration of American flags, just so the occasion could more perfectly encapsulate all terrible stereotypes about the liberal political base. [AP]
• Courtney Cox is involved with a show called "Cougar Town." Which sounds awful, but her last show was actually titled "Dirt," so kind of a step up, right? [The Insider]

Palin stuff about a minute in:

• Michael Phelps is dating Barbara Walters' assistant "Marina," with whom he went to college. Wait, that's a fake name right?? Is someone playing a trick on poor old Cindy Adams? [Cindy Adams]
• What pairs well with xenophobia and shouting? Jay McInerney knows! At Benoit, "McInerney and his wife, Anne Hearst, had to calm down political commentator Robert Zimmerman, who'd just had a fierce on-air tangle with Lou Dobbs. Jay prescribed Zimmerman a bottle of 1991 Côte-Rôtie La Turque Domaine Guigal." Frog-loving traitors, all of them. [R&M, second-to-last item]
• Good Morning America defeated Today to score a live Britney Spears performance, leaving NBC suits "fuming," according to the NBC News-haters at the Post. Meanwhile, the singer is sane and cognizant enough to be terrified she's bungled one court case so badly she may go to jail. Her handlers take this as a positive sign!
• Alec Baldwin loved (second item) Sarah Palin's behavior off camera at Saturday Night Live, but Chevy Chase was less charitable about what she did on-camera: "She cannot improvise herself out of a paper bag."
• Elizabeth Taylor, 76, likes to be wheeled into a West Hollywood gay bar, where she drinks tequila shots and Apple martinis. They call them the golden years for a reason, people. [P6]
• Sean Penn is Venezuela, just hanging out, committing some light treason. [P6]
• Tom Cruise is a huge Tina Turner fan. In a very straight way, of course. [P6]
• Breaking: David Geffen still hates the Clintons. "They are vindictive, and people were afraid of being excluded." [R&M, third item]
• Sting's wife said she totally called the Madonna-Guy Ritchie divorce. She also allowed it to happen, by introducing the couple. So, uh, nice work, detective. Gwyneth Paltrow, meanwhile, is behaving like a real well-publicized celebrity friend.
• No one, and I mean no one, pisses in Shannon Doherty's bathroom unless her name is freaking Shannon Doherty. And don't ever forget it! [Daily Star]

Did they get it? Well, kind of! Sarah Palin did indeed cameo — across two sketches, even — though she uttered barely more than two dozen words. In the weekend update, she threw limpid hands in the air as Amy Poehler indulged in a Palin rap, and in the cold open, she interrupted (with the help of Walhberg and Alec Baldwin) a press conference by Fey-as-Palin that was made all the more ironic by the fact that Palin herself will ring in Election Day as the only major ticket candidate to never hold a press conference. Comedy or tragedy? You decide!

• Saturday Night Live [NBC]

Recently, someone posted here a rather harsh criticism of the movie MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRL and laid into me, with a vigorous and stinging tone, suggesting that the film was beneath me and that they were severely disappointed in me for participating in it.

They were right.

The movie is not very good at all.

The only thing I offer you is an explanation. Not an excuse.

In the movie business, few people, if any, set out to make a bad or even mediocre film. The script, director, cast and production values lead one to believe that there is an opportunity to be had there. Whether that opportunity is for a low-brow, yet funny, comedy or for a soaring drama, for an action film experience unlike any other or an unforgettable love story, movie people arrive at work with high hopes. They work hard to try to serve good material or elevate that material that may have a few "holes" in it.

But not every movie is THE GODFATHER or FORREST GUMP or ANNIE HALL.

Yes, I have made some pretty awful films. But, like most film and TV actors I have known, I would have gone to any lengths to make them better.

Filmmaking is a highly risky endeavor, more so today than ever.

For you. And for me.

Points for honesty, Alec, though we're beginning to get a little concerned about your new habit of diminishing every role you've ever taken, whether it's fluff like My Best Friend's Girl or a masterpiece like 30 Rock. Sir, you've got a well-earned Emmy — go rest on your laurels before you start disavowing your "In the Year 2000" guest stint on Conan O'Brien.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Guestbook [AlecBaldwin.com]

Naturally, the blurb went heavy on guest stars like Jennifer Aniston and Steve Martin (gotta shore up those ratings!) but any new footage of the Emmy-honored Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy sets our mindgrapes a-racin', no matter how brief. In a cold, show-vanquishing fall landscape dotted with shows like Knight Rider and Kath & Kim, can 30 Rock possibly come fast enough? Save us, Liz Lemon! You're our only hope! [NBC]

September saw the publication of his first book, “A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey through Fatherhood and Divorce.” Strictly embargoed prior to publication, the book is an exhaustive and harrowing tale of Baldwin’s experience in divorcing Kim Basinger, and subsequently petitioning for joint custody of his daughter Ireland. Though he has laid his experience bare on the page, he has kept press to a minimum – the only print interviews he has granted have been to the New Yorker and the Los Angeles Times, while he will also appear on The View and 20/20 to promote the book. Indeed, gaining an audience with Mr. Baldwin to talk about this work required three months of steady requests, the signing of a confidentiality agreement, and the vetting of this reporter’s past work by Baldwin’s office.

Finally, an hour was agreed to in the midst of Baldwin’s busy schedule, on the set of the television show that has changed his professional fortunes and catapulted him to Emmy nominations and a previously unrealized talent for comedy.

Baldwin tossed the ball far and it bounced off a truck’s door. He motioned to the sidewalk in front of the hotel, grabbed two folding canvas chairs, setting them up facing the traffic and fixed this reporter with a smile.

He responded to an initial compliment about the heartbreaking nature of his book.

“Thank you,” he allowed. “Hopefully this book will lead to something positive, whether or not it leads to an examination of the family law system is another matter. But I wouldn’t say the book is harrowing, though everyone in my life who knows me thinks that the book is very fair,” he trailed off with a quiet chuckle.

Trucks roared by on the thoroughfare a few feet from where he sat. An assistant came up to him holding a suit jacket. “You have ten minutes,” she said. “You want me to touch you up in there or on set?” Baldwin shrugged. “That’s what I thought,” she said, lingering. “Hey, I gotta work on my passing skills,” she announced.

After she walked away, Baldwin turned back and said, “What was the question?”

It is mentioned that while his book is careful never to insult his ex-wife, it certainly does read as an indictment of the legal profession as it relates to family law, though ironically, in the second chapter of the book, Baldwin turned away two pit-bull lawyers who could have changed the outcome of his experience dramatically.

“It’s arguable,” he allowed. “It might have been a better strategy to have a visceral lawyer in a high conflict divorce. But I was seeking a lawyer who I thought could mediate the case and resolve the conflict. Little did I know the other side wanted to keep the conflict going forever. I mean, they fired the mediator, they threw us into open court. The most damning thing I can say about the other side is that they have never once recognized my rights as a father. They have sought to deny my visitations regularly. The courtroom was paradise to them. They couldn’t wait to get back in there.”

But given that the custody case is ongoing, and given the gag order on the case, was there ever a concern that writing a book about the case might cause an adverse reaction?

“I don’t expect them to acknowledge or agree with anything I’ve said,” he said.

“They will say these are the reflections of a bitter man. When these things don’t go well they just think you’re a sore loser. They will say, ‘well you married her.’ The lawyers and the judges, they look at all litigants and they hate them and despise them and think you have no one but yourself to blame.”

But surely, given that the custody of Ireland is at stake, wasn’t Baldwin concerned that the book could have repercussions in his own case?

“I don’t really care,” he said. “I’m sure individual people like Hersh [Kim Basinger’s lawyer] will seize on anything he can, but most people in the Beverly Hills family law system see Hersh for what he is. I’m not the first person to call him . . .”

It is suggested that Baldwin might be the first to call him a cross between Gabe Kaplan and Chuck Norris.

He laughed out loud. “I do like that visual,” he said. “But you know, there is a demand for what he does. If you are in a divorce and conflict resolution is not in your interest and you just want to make the life of your ex as miserable as possible, then Hersh is the man to have on your speed dial. He exists to make divorce a form of torture.”

There was a long pause, where it appeared that Baldwin had more to say on the subject, but he remained quiet, staring at the steady stream of traffic. He was asked if the circumstances of the divorce and the custody of his daughter was now as resolved as it would ever be.

“Nooooooo!” he said very suddenly. “No! Never! But I am forbidden by the court to discuss the current situation.”

Even though he discussed the particulars of the case in minutiae in the book?

“I don’t talk about any court orders,” he asserted. “I can describe testimony given in Judge Roy Paul’s courtroom, I’m allowed to describe events, but I can’t quote from the transcript and I can’t quote what the rulings were.”

The cumulative effect of the book’s catalogue of court appearances, mandated counseling sessions and ceaseless frustrations is so all consuming that it is surprising that Baldwin has managed to continue a career at all.

“I haven’t been able to turn my full attention to anything but this case,” he said plainly. “I’ve been able to pursue what I normally pursue, but I haven’t been able to do it well. I haven’t had my best effort in my work for years. I have been completely overwhelmed and derailed by this. And it’s still the case today. Its like a tumor, I’ve just never been able to get away from it. I am in court all the time. I am in court constantly for the enforcement of existing orders.”

But surely there is an end in sight. His daughter will turn thirteen later this year, so in five years time it will all be a moot point.

Baldwin continued to smile, but he drew in his breath to make an explanation that he articulates with great forcefulness in his book. “There is your time with a child for your enjoyment for the love and the joy and warmth and the happiness of having a family,” he said with studied patience. “And then there is the relationship you have to parent a child to teach them and mold them — that’s part of your job and that’s true for everyone and those two components are the things that you lose, that’s the battle ground you fight over.”

There was a pause, and then he continued.

“And then they get older, during college and after, and what are the ramifications? What are the long-term effects? Statistically children raised without fathers, particularly women, become more inclined to drug abuse, alcoholism, sexually transmitted diseases, promiscuous sexual relationships, teenage pregnancy, and divorce themselves. When they grow up its not over.”

Will his daughter read the book?

“Maybe an edited version,” he laughed. “Maybe only the bad parts. You know, anything that will turn her against me. I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on in that mansion. I have no idea. I really have no idea how my daughter is raised. I have no relationship with my ex-wife, which doesn’t really matter to me. But there is an authority, and that authority’s job is to protect the child. And none of this is now done in the best interest of the child.

“What you have to do now to get a judge to force a mother to go into therapy to get her to stop alienating a child against her other parent, they just don’t want to do that. Men’s behavior is examined to a fare thee well in the California system and women just skate.”

An assistant hurried up to him. “Two minutes,” she said.

“What else?” Baldwin said.

He is asked about three moments in the book where he breaks down and cries, the third time being after the infamous phone message he left for his daughter last year.

An assistant walked by with his suit jacket. “Two minutes,” she said.

“No, no, I’ll put in on in there,” he said.

“What?” He said, turning back to the reporter.

The question was repeated.

“Like I have said many times,” he said, “If what you did on your worst day was recorded by someone privately . . . “ He trailed off for a moment. “The interesting thing about Hersh, and my ex-wife and Levin [Harvey Levin, of TMZ, who aired the tape] is that the electronic or digital property of the minor child is the property of her parents or guardians. They had to have my permission to release that recording. So that was another contempt charge against my ex-wife. They have numerous, numerous contempt charges against them at this point which we could prosecute and we don’t.

“Listen,” he said, standing up, and putting his hands on the arm rests of his canvas chair, pushing his weight into the chair. “We have a set of orders, they violate those orders constantly. We choose not to prosecute to make things better and it gains us no ground. The other side is angrier than I will ever be, that’s for sure. And when what you do on your worst day is broadcast by these people . . . Listen: I think it embarrassed my ex-wife, it made her look like a fool to do something like that, it hurt me obviously, but most of all it hurt my daughter. This is something that someone should have gone to a judge and said, ‘I would prefer that he not leave messages like that.’ It could have been done. The world now is so fuelled by mockery and you just get really sad when it’s your turn to be taken for a spin. It’s really hard.”

But it is clear he has bounced back, no?

“To an extent. But I am changed. I’m very changed from the experience.”

He let those words hang in there and was about to add to the thought when a crewmember walked by with a tray of Starbucks coffees. Baldwin took an iced mochachino and an extra shot of espresso. He handed the crewmember a $50 bill, which was refused.

He turned back to the reporter and said: “What else?”

“Alec, they’re ready for you,” said another assistant.

“It does change you!” he said emphatically just as a stranger walked up and asked for his autograph. He signed it then looked at the reporter again.

Had Mr. Baldwin ever heard the expression, ‘is it better to be happy or to be right?’

“Yes,” he said, with a look of mild deflation. “I’ve learned it.”

“They’re ready for you Alec,” said another assistant, the one who had been playing football with him fifteen minutes previously.

“I’ve heard that over and over,” he said. “The first phrase I make in the book is, “I never wanted to write this book.” If you go back and think about it, to have any psychic engagement with my ex-wife or her lawyers is just anathema to me. But I do feel like who is going to help other people? To see that nutty, vicious, ex-spouse work you over that way in court – it is agonizing for everybody, there is a lot, a lot, of collateral damage.

Baldwin shrugged and took his arms off the canvas chair, straightening himself. “But what I’ve learned is I have to promote the book. If you asked me the truth I wouldn’t even be sitting here talking to you,” he said warmly enough. “I wouldn’t do any press for the book. I have no interest in doing this. When my obligatory press turn for the book is over on September 23d, you’ll never hear me talk about this again. Ever.

He fixed me with his steady gaze, and looked around at the bustling crew on the sidewalk outside the Marriott Hotel in the middle of Queens.

“We good?”

A much shorter version of this interview of Alec Baldwin by William Georgiades ran in the Los Angeles Times. The Unspiked Files represent Gawker's repository of newspaper and magazine articles which through no fault of their own didn't make it fully into print. Submissions to unspiked@gawker.com.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
30 Rock - Alec Baldwin
Monk - Tony Shalhoub
The Office - Steve Carell
Pushing Daisies - Lee Pace
Two and a Half Men - Charlie Sheen

With last year's surprise winner Ricky Gervais out of the mix, the stage is set for Alec Baldwin to take home the first of what will most likely be several Emmys for his role as Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. Clinching the deal? Baldwin submitted the episode containing this season's instant classic therapy scene:

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
30 Rock - Tina Fey
The New Adventures of Old Christine - Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Samantha Who? - Christina Applegate
Ugly Betty - America Ferrera
Weeds - Mary-Louise Parker

If this is not Tina Fey, Sarah Palin will have all the Emmy voters fired.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Entourage - Kevin Dillon
Entourage - Jeremy Piven
How I Met Your Mother - Neil Patrick Harris
The Office - Rainn Wilson
Two and a Half Men - Jon Cryer

While Neil Patrick Harris has had a career-best year, How I Met Your Mother is still little-seen. The Emmys fear change, especially in the comedy category (five-time winner Candice Bergen and four-time winner John Laroquette both eventually withdrew their names to give other actors a chance), so this award should go to the Pivs in a walk.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Pushing Daisies - Kristin Chenoweth
Samantha Who? - Jean Smart
Saturday Night Live - Amy Poehler
Two and a Half Men - Holland Taylor
Ugly Betty - Vanessa Williams

My Name is Earl's Jaime Pressly took home this award last year, but this time she's not even nominated (neither was dark horse Jenna Fischer for The Office). Kudos to Amy Poehler for becoming the first modern Saturday Night Live performer to score a supporting actor nomination, but Emmy loves a veteran, so we expect this to go to two-time winner Jean Smart.

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Entourage
The Office
Two and a Half Men

Curb Your Enthusiasm is a weak-fill in for last year's nominee Ugly Betty; frankly, we're surprised that the dazzling Pushing Daisies pilot couldn't muster up the votes to fill that fifth slot (the strike-truncated season could have sapped its momentum). All the buzz is with 30 Rock right now — not only did it win in this category last year, but none of its challengers are coming off their best seasons. If anything besides Tina Fey's expertly crafted sitcom wins, we promise to liveblog an episode of Two and a Half Men as penance.