Turner's trial started yesterday. His crime, according to the NYT: When some judges in Chicago upheld a handgun ban last summer, he put their pictures and contact info on his website and said they should be killed. Specifically, he wrote "If they are allowed to get away with this by surviving, other judges will act the same way." Which, let's admit, is kind of funny, because do you really "get away" with something just by surviving? Strict standards, Mr. Turner!

Hal was an avowed "white nationalist" and a more avowed attention hound. His show's website proclaimed, "Hal Turner is so far to the right he makes Rush Limbaugh look like a liberal and Sean Hannity seem like a girlie-man!" He enjoyed writing things like, "Today could be the day I get to serve on a Jury. Imagine the justice I can dish-out against a Savage Negro Beast, a greasy Spic, a degenerate sodomite or, my favorite, a filty, hook-nosed KIKE."

Furthermore, Hal Turner, supernationalist racist right-wing bomb-thrower, was an FBI snitch, for years. And Turner's lawyers are now arguing that it was all an act. He was just trying to get in good with the crazies, to snitch on them! The FBI fired him as a snitch, though, because he couldn't follow orders.

Get a hobby, loser.

In case you missed it: Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson's ex, Jasmine Lennard, has accused the heiress of breaking, entering, and committing sexy crimes in her home. She found out because Casey's "lesbian Don Juan" girlfriend Courtenay Semel noticed that Casey was wearing Jasmine's panties and recommended calling the cops.

Now Jasmine is hitting Casey in where it hurts, reports Page Six in a truly epic item. Her money, which her mother has allegedly cut off until Casey goes to rehab:

Her house on Mulholland Drive is a mess. The electricity is off, there are rats, the pool is green. She was supposed to be evicted and her Porsche is being repossessed.

And her maternal instincts:

I had been caring for Ava for several months. Casey fired her nanny, then realized it was Nicky Hilton's birthday party and had nobody to look after her. She asked if I could have Ava for the night, then didn't come back for 10 days.

Basically, she got bored of buying herself bags and shoes and bought herself a daughter from Kazakhstan in 2007, but was too crazy to look after her.

The Johnson clan had no official comment, though one "family source" cited "medical and psychological issues." I now renew my respectful request for Casey to sell the rights to her life to made-for-TV production company, and add that Katherine Moennig would make a great Jasmine. [P6]

Lawless, teen-heavy MySpace used to be considered the online place for pervs — Saturday Night Live even made a funny skit about it (embedded below). No more: Numbers published in the New York Daily News reveal that Facebook is the favored destination, attracting 79 percent of the registered sex offenders who declared accounts at the big social networks, versus 51 percent for MySpace. The numbers don't add up to 100 because many offenders had accounts on both networks; see the chart we made above for a different slice, or look at the precise the numerical breakdown in the image below.

The migration of these unsavories onto Facebook was inevitabe, particularly after Facebook relaxed its requirement that its members be in college or be college alumni. People want to join the social network everyone else is joining. Sex offenders are definitely no exception.

[via Wired Epicenter]

This whole "Dubai is broke" thing, ugh. That is certainly the last time we invest everything in a construction-mad oil-poor Middle Eastern kingdom bent on building a paradise in the desert no matter how preposterous the cost! We'll tell you that much!

It's not worth worrying about. We have other problems. Not the sweet deal I got on a Boost Mobile phone on Black Friday; that, my friends, is "no problemo" (problem). But of course the whole concept of "loss leaders" is dead when people just buy the things that your store loses money on and then they all leave before also picking up some things you might perhaps make money on. That's what retailers get for being such delicious bargains, though.

Delicious—but are they good for you? In the metaphorical sense of like if money was food and nutrition was somehow factored in there, economically? That is the question, friend. And the answer is, "It doesn't really matter if you're a homeless panhandler, because even people who are not homeless panhandlers are broke now so, haha, no money for you, homeless panhandler."

This is what makes "trickle down economics" the powerful "acid rain" that stimulates American exceptionalism, money-wise.

Where else is our money threatened? At our very own jobs as Corporate CEOs, that's where. The Communists at the Wall Street Journal have permitted some socialist business school professor to defile their pages with an article suggesting that executive bonuses are counterproductive and should be completely done away with.

Uh, not to trickle down acid economic rain on your "Viva Socialismo!" parade there perfesser, but we think you've forgotten one thing: If you took away executive bonuses and paid CEOs a salary, they would be getting paid just like their workers.

Game and set, as well as match, thank you. We're off to stroll back to our mansion unmolested by robbers or ruffians, because new statistics show that crime hasn't even gone up during the recession. For that, The Haves thank you!
[Pic via]

At 2:25 a.m. on Friday morning—in other words, late on Thanksgiving night—one of Woods' neighbors in Windermere, Fla., called 911 to report that Woods had crashed into a tree in front of his house and was lying on the ground outside his Cadillac Escalade. He was taken to a local hospital in "serious condition" with facial lacerations and released later that day. The Florida Highway Patrol didn't release details about the accident until Friday afternoon, twelve hours after it happened, and the initial report from Windermere police officers was that Woods was drifting in and out of consciousness when they arrived on the scene. Windermere's police chief told the Orlando Sentinel that Woods' wife Elin had heroically used a golf club to break out the rear windows of Woods' SUV and rescued him from the vehicle; when they arrived, the Sentinel reported, she was "hovering" over her husband, "frantic and upset."

Within hours of the story breaking on Friday, the truth began to emerge: According to TMZ and RadarOnline, Tiger and Elin had been arguing before the crash, and she scratched his face up before he attempted to flee in his car, telling her, "You've ruined our Thanksgiving! Are you happy now?" Elin chased after him swinging a golf club, and managed to bash out the SUV's back windows as he drove away. Woods "got distracted" by the attack and ran into a fire hydrant and then a tree, hitting them at less than 33 mph, to judge by the fact that the car's airbags didn't activate. There was no blood on the steering wheel, TMZ reported, making it unlikely that Woods' injuries were sustained during the crash. According to TMZ, Woods told a friend that he wasn't drunk at the time, but had been taking painkillers.

So why would Elgin attack her husband on Thanksgiving night? Probably because last week, the National Enquirer reported that Woods had been having an affair with Rachel Uchitel, a New York City nightclub promoter and self-described celebrity-dater. The Enquirer story claimed that Uchitel had told a friend, "I don't care about his wife! We're in love," and that the pair were "constantly sexting." TMZ says Tiger had told a friend on Friday, before the accident, that Elin had "gone ghetto" over the allegations, and that he had to "run to Zales to get a 'Kobe Special'"—a diamond ring—to mollify her. It apparently didn't work.

For her part, Uchitel has denied the Enquirer's allegations, telling the New York Post, "this is nothing to do with me. We have never had an affair, and the claims we did are completely false." She's reportedly retained celebrity lawyer and horrible person Gloria Allred and is considering a defamation claim against the Enquirer.

What does Tiger say about all this? Not much. In a statement released yesterday, he said,

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

The Florida Highway Patrol has attempted to interview Tiger and his wife about the accident three times, and been turned away each time. And Tiger's lawyer is now saying that, under Florida law, they don't have to talk to the cops, and won't:

We have been informed by the Florida Highway Patrol that further discussion with them is both voluntary and optional. Although Tiger realizes that there is a great deal of public curiosity, it has been conveyed to FHP that he simply has nothing more to add and wishes to protect the privacy of his family.

But that's not going to cut it: According to TMZ, the Florida Highway Patrol is seeking a warrant to gain access to medical records from Tiger's hospitalization to find out if his injuries are consistent with a car accident or assault. If it's the latter, the next step could be charging Elin with domestic violence. TMZ also says the Woods home is equipped with security cameras, and Florida authorities want to see what's on the tapes.

Long story short, the Woodses spent their Thanksgiving like most families do: Trapped in a sickeningly familiar cycle of recrimination, betrayal, lies, and poor decision-making. We can't wait for Christmas.

"Hassan was captured on a surveillance camera setting the mini-blazes," see, so they arrested him and went on back home to sleep on their soft beds, not knowing a fiery menace was still lurking in the placid hallways of the prestigious high school. Because Hassan wasn't even in school when the latest string of trashcan, etc. fires broke out this week. Fiery doom is coming from inside the building. And, the Daily News reports, the copycat pyro is a mad criminal genius!

"I'm smart enough - you can't catch me," read a note left at one of the fires, according to FDNY sources. Another note appeared to be in hieroglyphics.

Not to alarm you, parents, but it appears that a twisted teenage Egyptologist has declared fiery war on your children's place of learning while bungling cops focus their attention on a patsy! (Mohammed's dad says this is a case of racial profiling).

If this turns out to be viral marketing for some Stuyvesant kid's version of 'The Rule of Four,' there will be some serious ass-kicking.
[Pic via]

You know, Ed Meese III, it is nice that you have come around, in some fashion, to the idea that we maybe shouldn't have the largest prison population in the world. Seriously, good for you.

But also, and more importantly: fuck you, Ed Meese.

It was actually Reagan's Attorney General, Mr. Ed Meese, who attempted to criminalize pornography and abortion, and who packed the federal judiciary with reactionary "tough-on-crime" assholes.

Ed Meese, once again as Attorney General, chaired the National Drug Policy Board. And during his tenure, federal spending on drug "enforcement" (arrests and seizures) increased by $700 million while drug prevention and education programs decreased. Ed Meese decided every worker in America should be drug tested all the time.

Oh, Bush-appointed former judge who is now concerned about overzealous prosecution, what is your complaint?

"A joint on a yacht, and the whole thing is forfeited," said Paul Cassell, a law professor at the University of Utah and a former federal judge appointed by President George W. Bush.

Funny! You are mad, as a conservative, that the government is seizing private property. Do you know who pioneered that approach to fighting drugs? Attorney General Ed Meese!

So, Ed Meese, we respectfully disagree with you, when you say that "liberal ideas of extending the power of the state" are to blame for an out-of-control criminal justice system. You are, after all, the Ed Meese who said once said this:

U.S News & World Report: You criticize the Miranda ruling, which gives suspects the right to have a lawyer present before police questioning. Shouldn't people, who may be innocent, have such protection?
Meese: Suspects who are innocent of a crime should. But the thing is, you don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect.

But Ed Meese does not actually care about the massive and growing prison population. What he is mad about is that there are too many laws, in general.

"It's a violation of federal law to give a false weather report," Mr. Meese said. "People get put in jail for importing lobsters."

Maybe they do! Maybe there is a guy in jail, somewhere in America, for importing a lobster. But millions more get put in jail for smoking weed. And we think we should probably deal with that before we get to work fixing this "false weather report" zero tolerance policy that you are suddenly so concerned about.

Asshole.

"While I'm innocent, I'm sorry to all my fans and supporters for this embarrassment," Carter said.
Then he drove off in his shiny black Mercedes.

Ouch.
[NYDN]

The extracted, liquidized fat sold for $15,000 a liter, report the BBC, and it apparently went to "European countries." Four people have been arrested and five, adds the journalist with a straight face, remain "at large." Some of those captured were carrying soft drinks bottles of human fat. To reiterate: bottles of human motherfucking fat. One of them admitted that they'd been luring the chubby with fake job offers, then bumping them off, in the Huanaco and Pasco regions for up to three decades. Police estimate that they may be behind the disappearances of up to 60 people.

The gang has been referred to as the Pishtacos, after an ancient Peruvian legend of killers who attack people on lonely roads and murder them for their fat.

The genesis of this ancient legend is not so hard to trace. The last alleged murder happened in September. Before you get comfortable, and laugh at the people in Peru:

Gen Felix Burga, head of Peru's police criminal division, said there were indications that "an international network trafficking human fat" was operating from Peru.

Stay off those lonely roads.

The suit was probably inevitable. As we first reported, the Sacramento-based firm of Kershaw, Cutter & Ratinoff has been looking for victims of scammy ads in games like Mafia Wars and Farmville to potentially file a class action suit. Less than a week later, the firm's suit has hit federal district court in Northern California.

You can read the initial complaint in full here.

Neither gaming startup Zynga nor social network Facebook actually originates the advertisements in question; instead, other companies take out ads in Zynga's games, which run on Facebook's network, and the two companies make reportedly large sums of money from the offers. Some of the ads trick users into signing up for unauthorized cell phone charges or expensive mail-order products like educational CDs, typically by disguising them as "free" offers or "free trials," or as part of an "online quiz." TechCrunch has run an aggressive series of articles, cataloged at the bottom of this post.

Zynga reportedly takes in close to one-third of its revenue from "commercial offers" like those, and Facebook does well too, as KC&R lawyers point out in their complaint. An excerpt (click to enlarge):

Swift's attorneys also point to Zynga CEO Mark Pincus' damning video confession that "I did every horrible thing in the book just to get revenues" in their complaint, indicating it will be a significant piece of courtroom evidence, just as we predicted.

The prospect of being on the hook for massive damages has to make both Zynga and Facebook's investors sweat. Facebook is the darling of Silicon Valley, with VCs having valued it in the billions of dollars, while Zynga counts the elite firm of Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers among its major investors. Yet both companies have come to rely on greasy advertisers for much of their revenue; in addition to the game-ad scammers, Facebook is also sells ad to marketers who resort to tactics like using stolen pictures of apparent underaged girls to promote their products. If the company's are found to be liable of helping con customers by working with these sorts of slimeballs, it's hard to say where the payouts might end.

Below, an excerpt of the scams allegedly perpetrated on the lead plaintiff in the case, Rebecca Swift.

(Top pic: Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, by Raphaël Labbé)

[Full court filing]

Stewart represented an accused terrorist. During his trial she relayed a message from him, regarding his thoughts on a cease-fire with Egypt, to a Reuters reporter. She then clarified the statement. This was part of her commitment to committing murder in a foreign country, apparently!

If, as prosecutors argue, Stewart knowingly violated specific restrictions again passing any messages from her client to any third parties, including the media, then, whatever, press charges. (Not that those specific rules seem particularly constitutional. And not that we should be complicit in the destruction of attorney-client privilege just because we really don't like terrorists.) But "conspiracy to provide material support to terrorism" seems like more than a bit of a stretch. You shouldn't really be locking up left-wing nuts for being naive about the beliefs and intentions of their clients. (And naive about the lengths to which the Bush Justice Department would go to appear to be serious about terror.)

Stewart was sentenced to 28 months in prison. The court of appeals did not specify how much tougher they'd like her sentence to be, but prosecutors sought up to 30 years. Stewart is 70 and about to go into surgery for breast cancer. And your IndyMedia types are about to start calling Obama a fascist, just like Glenn Beck!

TechCrunch publisher Mike Arrington began writing his high-profile posts exposing the misleading ads carried by Zynga on October 31. Four days later, according to documents filed with the SEC yesterday, Zynga began issuing shares as part of its latest $15 million round of financing that included firms like the gold-standard Silicon Valley shop Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers (past investments: Google, Amazon, Netscape, etc.), as PaidContent points out.

Of course, it took until Nov. 6 for video to emerge of Zynga CEO Mark Pincus admitting that some of the ads his company ran were "horrible." But we'd venture to guess that Zynga's investors, now into the startup for at least $54 million, would still have gone forward with their investment even that video emerged earlier. They care no more about Zynga's murky origins than they did about those of Zynga's chief clients like MySpace (born from a spam and spyware operation) and Facebook (which paid $65 million to settle claims it was founded on stolen technology). In Silicon Valley, the sins of the past are regularly washed away by infinite promise of the all-important future.

(Pic: Zynga CEO Mark Pincus, by Joi Ito)