WHIP IT
The Story: A Texas teen (Ellen Page) gives up a life of beauty pageants to fight it out in the roller derby rink.
The Pitch: Fight Club meets Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants
Who It's For: Grrrl power wolf packs.
Cause for Hope: Precious as it may be, it's hard not to get excited for roller derby; buzz has been good for Drew Barrymore's directorial debut.
Cause for Concern: The project leaves huge room for the Drew nose-scrunching, head-bobbing cutesy factor to rear its pig-tailed head.
Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 7

ZOMBIELAND
The Story: The world is overrun by zombies. Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg fight back.
The Pitch: Shaun of the Dead meets Red Dawn
Who It's For: Nerds
Cause for Hope: Hilarious trailer; movies success will propel Eisenberg to the Hoodie Hearththrob crown.
Cause for Concern: Cruising around with Woody 'n kilin' some zombies is a fantastic joke, but it still is just one joke and 90 minutes is a long time.
Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 8

A SERIOUS MAN
The Story: The Coen Brothers portrait of Jewish life in the '60s suburban Midwest.
The Pitch: Yentl meets Blue Velvet
Who It's For: College administrators
Cause for Hope: The ever aloof Coen brothers portraying the world of their own youth promises the "laughing at the hicks" quotient might fall slightly.
Cause for Concern: They've still got plenty of snideness to spare.
Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 7

THE INVENTION OF LYING
The Story: In a land where people speak only the truth, one man (Ricky Gervais) learns how to bend the world through the magic of false speaking.
The Pitch: Bruce Almighty meets Withnail and I
Who It's For: Gervais TV die hards
Cause for Hope: Despite gimmicky concept and Gervais' spotty non-BBC track record, hope springs eternal for the sometimes genius.
Cause for Concern: Formulaic concept promises depressing anti-lying message.
Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 6

TOY STORY and TOY STORY 2 in 3D
The Story: The rip roarin' Buzz Lightyear and friends have adventures in a little kid's bedroom. No Polanski jokes here.
The Pitch: Westworld meets Pinocchio in 3D
Who It's For: Citizens under seven, their parents and film nerds who don't feel weird about sitting alone in a theater filled with children.
Cause for Hope: It is the Citizen Kane of animation after all.
Cause for Concern: America comes one step closer to falling under the mass hypnosis that 3D creates an entirely new level of cinematic experience, worth paying more than ten dollars for.
Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 8

• Paula Abdul definitely got the invite to be a judge on Dancing With The Stars, and also as a guest star or contestant. Reports the NY Daily News: "ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson said Saturday he called her right after he heard about her exit from Fox's "American Idol" to say she'd be welcome anytime on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." This is in addition to the offer she got from the British guy on So You Think You Can Dance. I haven't watched American Idol since they stopped summarily executing the losers, but can someone tell me if Paula Abdul is actually coherent enough to take one of these jobs? I always assumed she still has to be wrangled by a group of handlers who keep on feeding her Sour Skittles and telling her that SkatKat's coming to get her if she doesn't show up to work, but again, I'm not completely up to speed on these things. If true, however, how unfair is it that someone who fights the effects of gravity daily in a Herculean struggle to stand up (which sounds like it could be a Paula Abdul song) actually sit around judging how someone dances? That'd be like having me be the deciding vote at next year's Pulitzer ceremony. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson is apparently training for the Coyboys' Hell Week or something to get back at Tony Romo by being really thin. She's going about this all wrong. The best way to get back at Tony Romo is to keep showing up at his football games. For the uneducated, Simpson had the unique skill of being able to make him throw the football in the exact opposite place it's supposed to go (in some circles, this is referred to as "cooling" or "fucking up one's mojo"). Seriously. Someone buy this woman season tickets. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cheech Marin got married! And the wedding cake was actually shaped and functioned as a gigantic gravity bong! Oh, just kidding, but you'd believe it, wouldn't you? So would I. [People]
  
  
• Rush & Molloy's big item of the week is a snoozer about Bloomberg. Get this: he used to think less of Obama than he does now, thought he'd make a better president, likes to say "fuck" a lot, and likes shiksa girlfriends. Where'd they get all this incredible information? Bloomberg's friends. Crazy talk! Meanwhile, people have opinions, egomaniacs always think they can do better than someone else at anything, everybody says "fuck" a lot, and Jewish dudes love dating The Goyim mostly because it freaks their overbearing mothers out. Mazel, Mike. [R & M]
  
  
• Ha, was Joe Jonas dumped?!? Asks Page Six today in which case someone's going to need a SWAT unit to protect them because a bunch of teenage girls are about to come at your face with the burning fury of a thousand suns and then some. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kelsey Grammar says his heart attack gave him a way to "re-tool" his life. What was so wrong with it in the first place? [Reuters]
  
  
• Some writer at E! has a conspiracy theory that Vanessa Hudgens' nude shots were leaked recently to drum up publicity for her new film, to which I say: Vanessa who has a new film? Guess it didn't work. Maybe make her jump through a burning hula-hoop or something. Or send us a press release. Or make her eat toast. [E!]
  
  
• More denial by Will and Jada Pinkett Smith about whether or not they're Scientologists and whether or not they fired the principal of their new Scientology school. [Page Six]
  
  
• Former child actor Mark Lester says that he's the father of Michael Jackson's child Paris. He says he's coming forward now out of concern for the welfare and well-being of the children, and that he wants to take the paternity test. The knee-jerk reaction to this kind of thing is now?! Actually, that's more or less just the full-on reaction. And why can't this guy "come out" in a more private space? Does everyone have to get a bullhorn and start screaming about how they "gave Michael my sperm so that he could have kids," now? (Actual Quote). Anyway, his film career is basically him playing "Oliver" so don't go looking too deeply through that IMDB page when you get around to it, nothing really interesting there unless you count the fact that the dude inseminated Michael Jackson's baby mama and he was a child star, ahem. [NYDN]
  
  
• Cry-alert: Jerry Orbach's widow says she talks to her deceased husband every day in what might be the most bittersweet Page Six item I've ever read. [Page Six]
  
  
• Simon Cowell's ex-girlfriend Terri Seymour won't get back with him, and isn't saying why. Not because he's an asshole, maybe? I don't know, Cowell doesn't seem like the worst dude in the world to me. I'd sincerely like there to be some kind of investigation into this. Maybe it has something to do with those gawdawful black shirts. Or maybe his pillow-talk? You just didn't give enough, Terri. I'm afraid a second go at it is going to be a no. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• E! scored an exclusive interview with Jon Gosselin, and it's going live tomorrow night, the evening after Kate goes on the Today Show. Think of this as the Katie Couric/Sarah Palin of braindead celebrity journalism. [E!]
  
  
• Gerard Butler likes dumb women, and I like Gerard Butler. Not necessarily because he likes dumb women, but because he has no reservations about saying so. Good on him; shamelessness is an underrated virtue. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Chris Brown wants to drop a track with Leona Lewis. Insert obvious "Bleeding Love" joke here. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Via E!, here's video of Lady Gaga performing an all-piano version of Poker Face with an Elephant on her head. No indication about whether or not she's hiding a weenus somewhere under there. Meanwhile, officials note she is still the most patently ridiculous person ever, and we should elect her the Mayor of Savantland. Happy Sunday.

The Times is covering the prank on page C7 of tomorrow's paper. The newspaper seems to be taking the spoof issue in reasonably good humor, but does note that the pranksters' stated 1.2 million circulation is higher than that of the real Times and is otherwise " suspect, if only because of the printing costs that would be involved."

We bet the paper is going to look eerily prescient in July — for accurately predicting a 14-page Times print edition.

boomp3.com

While walking the carpet at the Teen Choice Awards, popular singer/actress Scarlett Johansson bent over when she noticed that someone had dropped a stack of business cards on the ground. The Scoop star bent down in a ladylike manner to pick up the discarded business cards, much to the dismay of the surrounding lensmen hoping to score a gossip blog friendly shot. A group of men ahead of Johansson dropped another set of business cards, but Johansson just stared at cards, shook her head and moved her fingers using the universal sign for "naughty naughty."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

I was this little girl once.  Trying to get back there.

[itsmejulia.com]

After two months of negotiations, "Two and a Half Men" star Charlie Sheen is close to finalizing a new salary pact that would make him the highest-paid comedy star in television today.

Sources said Sheen will earn about $350,000 per episode this season from producer of the CBS powerhouse, Warner Bros. Television. This represents a hefty increase from his previous payday in the low six figures.

The salary doesn't come close the $1 million per episode the actor was reportedly asking for, but it's still a substantial pay raise that will allow Sheen to indulge in luxury goods and services he may have deprived himself of before; for example, hiring a personal skywriter to circle Denise Richards' home every day for a year, writing, "THIS MESSAGE PAID FOR BY MONEY YOU WILL NEVER GET YOUR GRUBBY CLAWS ON, YOU SAMBORA-SUCKING WHORE," in giant, block letters hundreds of feet above her driveway.

• Sheen set to become highest-paid sitcom star [Reuters/THR]