Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

• Dear Twilight fans, I'm not the only one who thinks your property is boring and stupid. Kristen Stewart does, too! Princess Frumpire thinks talking about Twilight is boring because she has to talk about it all the time. "The sad thing is that I feel so boring because Twilight is literally how every conversation I have these days begins - whether it's someone I'm meeting for the first time or someone I just haven't seen in a while. The first thing I want to say to them is, ‘It's insane! And, as a person, I can't do anything!' But then I think to myself, God damn it, shut the fuck up." Oh, no, Frumpracula, keep talking. If you want to get back at your psychotic teenage vampire fans, just tell them all what it's like to have sex with Bobert Patterson. They'll all scream like, well, vampires, the real kind, the ones that explode when sunlight hits them. And if you could make all Twilight fans explode out of pop culture existence, that'd be fine, too. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jimmy Kimmel is so over Sarah Silverman, and is now dating one of his show's co-head writers, Molly McNearney. Kimmel's 41, McNearney's 31. The best part about the story, really, is the sole comment that's been left on the page: "Better wed her quick now. A wife can't be made to testify." Word. Also, oh, hey, remember that one time we were pretty sure McNearney had it going on with Kimmel long before this? [NYDN]
  
  
• Wow, Daily News is really on fire with the galleries. They call this masterwork "Hottie and the Nottie" based on a list of celebs who are with guys maybe supposedly uglier than them. Wonderful. So you're saying I have a chance? Etc. [NYDN]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus is a shitty tipper. She got $70 worth of food to go and didn't tip because she didn't know you were supposed to tip when you get takeout. Girlfriend. Sigh. Even worse: she was a shitty tipper at Outback Steakhouse. Why hasn't this been done yet? A list of Hollywood's shittiest tippers. I need to get on that. That way, these people could never eat in a restaurant without being shamed again. There's only one person who can get away with not tipping, and he's fake. [NYDN]
  
  
• The Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team known as Rush and Molloy set their trained sights this week on...Marc Rich? Yes. Marc Rich. The sketchy billionaire was pardoned by Bill Clinton, and he's been in exile in Switzerland. He didn't come back to America because of one man: Rudy Giuliani. Can you blame him? [NYDN]
  
  
• Bill Maher thinks Roman Polanski should just come back and go to jail. In other news, since Bill Maher didn't condemn Roman Polanski to die by sharks with buzzsaws attached to their faces, Bill Maher is pro-rape. You heard it here first. [NYP]
  
  
• Anderson Cooper was riding in Chelsea yesterday without a helmet. [NYP] I'll be here all day, folks.
  
  
• No, you can't. Giuliani made a young couple who had his old seats at Yankee stadium switch it up because he told Judith he wanted them back. Security swooped up the young couple, put them where Giuliani was sitting before, and plopped them back in their old seats. Giuliani, if you ever did that to me, I'd pour a beer on your head and put it on Deadspin. I don't know why this couple didn't do that. Honestly. That's beer-on-head meriting behavior. Dick. [NYP]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin: familiarize your self with the term "putz." It's Yiddish for "Jon Gosselin." Jon says he's going to be celebrating Hanukkah this year because everyone in his life is Jewish right now. No, really. That's what he said: "Everyone in my life is Jewish now, my attorney. I love it. I'm now half Jewish and half Korean. The family values are great....They gave her a free tummy tuck, worth $20 grand." Okay, Daily News, I don't know if you took the end of that quote out of context or what, but Jesus, really? Really. And he has holiday plans, too: "I'll see my kids [on Christmas] during the day for a couple of hours." [NYDN]
  
  
• Is A-Rod hitting better because of Kate Hudson's attendance at Yankees games? asks the Daily News. They even find some college professors to talk to about this kind of thing. And you know this is the highlight of these guys' week. Not that they made some kind of advancement in the field of psychology or whatever, no, it's that they get to talk about A-Rod getting laid in relation to the number of times he can bat someone in from third base. Ah, academics. [NYDN]
  
  
• Here's a gallery of celebrities running. It's oddly compelling in that "I will not eat this sandwich" kind of way. [NYDN]
  
  
• Tiger Woods is cheating on Gatorade with some kind of "focus drink." Adderall juice? Gimme. [NYDN]
  
  
• T.I.'s doing time for a weapons conviction—always, these guys, with the guns. Oy.—but that won't stop him from winning awards while he's in the slammer. No bars can hold The People from throwing down bars. It's true. [NYDN]
  
  
• There's a new book called "Growing up Bin Laden" coming out, and it's about growing up in Osama Bin Laden's family. Whee! The best part's when they move to Bel-Air for a while because Afghanistan got too rough during the early 90s. Hijinks ensued. [NYP]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's staying in New York. Suck it, LA. We've got Barton. Who do you have? Seriously. [NYP]
  
  
• So, Page Six's big story is that Madonna's not working out with Tracy Anderson anymore. Anderson's the trainer used by Gwyneth Paltrow to get Goop-y with it. The most exciting part of the story, however, is at the bottom. They totally buried the lede on this. You see, Tracy Anderson was apparently arrested for failing to pay a chimney sweep. The Dickens? Exactly! Dickens-esque, no? [NYP]

And, in celebration of T.I.'s award, we should all be able to feel liberated under imprisonment. Me, in front of my computer. You, in front of your computer. Princess Frumpire, in front of her Bobert Patterson. All of us, in the universe! Or something. I don't know. Here's an awesome song. Happy Sunday! Live your life! I'm gonna go eat a bagel.

[Photo via DZilla/JK/Bauer-Griffin]

• Kate and Jon Gosselin, congratulations, you've made it back to the top of the Gossip Roundup, to the umbrage of what will be many pissed off and tired commenters and your kids! They hate you! I do, too. So: it appears the one with the dead thing atop their head is seeking moneys for being the breeder of the small ones from the one with the face of ass and the terribly gauche shirts (yeah man, your shirts are gauche compared to that last sentence). Not only does she want moneys to supposedly feed their once valuable moneymaking products of breeding, but she also wants moneys for being alive: alimony. Kate Gosselin. Wants alimony. From Jon Gosselin. I'm not sure how this works as their main source of income was the show, but maybe she's seeking some of the money Jon Gosselin got from appearing at a pool party in Vegas? Which was sometime before, oh ha ha! her yukking it up on Leno! I mean, face it: he probably spent that already, but do you really want to know on what? Also, does she really care? The sad thing is that these people are someone else's parents—eight cute little peoples!—and I don't feel bad calling them both complete whatevers (technical term) because they won't go away and, you know, actually do something. This isn't like other cases of tabloid journalism where celebrities who have kids make headlines: these people make money from being overexposed, how can they protect their kids from it while they're taking all this attention? They can't. They suck. [NYDN]
  
  
• Fine. I'll bite. How much do they suck?

  "She barely talks to them," a Kate confidant told the magazine. "The nannies are doing 95% of the work. Kate has a short attention span, and everything upsets her." A Jon source said, "He can't stay at home with them. He gets annoyed when they interrupt him when he's on the phone."

  That much. [NYDN]
  
  

• Michael Jackson's awesome episode of The Simpsons, where he sings Happy Birthday to Lisa with Bart as a 400-pound mental patient was just as bizarre in real life. Apparently, Jackson serviced the crew of The Simpsons (not like that) with Sikhs in white robes and turbans while they studied the script and recorded parts at his house. When you freak out Hank Azaria, you know you've really gone far. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lay off A-Rod's girlfriend Kate Hudson! mean wives and girlfriends of Yankee players! Especially now that they're in the post-season. Honestly, Minka Kelly (aka Lyla Garrity of Friday Night Lights fame) is Jeeetah's girlfriend and is ridiculously cute so really, most of the trouble has to be coming from her. Other teams' local newspapers and fans embedded in tabloid journalism: play this story up as much as possible if you want to mess with the Yankees post-season chances. You know the drill. [Page Six]
  
  
• Pierce Brosnan likes Mojitos. Don't ask. [Page Six]
  
  
• Carey Mulligan went from who? to OMG isn't she the best? in like, five minutes. So the Daily News took the time to catch you up: she's pretty, she's in an overrated movie that New York critics are slapping around, she's a "Sundance Darling" that's coming to eat Natalie Portman's brain. This has only just begun. [NYDN]
  
  
• Amy Crackhouse spent $14M partying in St. Lucia. Can you even spend $14M legally in St. Lucia? No, no, no. Time for a mediocre third album to pay the bills, toots. [NYDN]
  
  
• Dr. Phil denies that he groped the breasts of a "patient" and held her captive against her will. I'm not sure how far his credibility goes here because whenever he speaks on the teevee I feel like my soul is being held against its will, but all I have to do is change the channel. So: there's that. Am I suggested that he did? No! But he is an asshole. [NYDN]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian, who's worse for the Lakers than Isaiah Rider Jr., is in the early stages of a pre-nup (yeeeeah) with Lamar Odom and also, in the early stages of completely screwing the Lakers out of back-to-back championships. Show your support, I guess? [NYDN]
  
  
• Marge Simpson is getting naked for Playboy. Just another day in the office, folks. What Hefner and Co. don't know or forgot is that there's an entire slice of the internet devoted to this kind of pervy thing, but who're we to judge? Cartoons, strip it off. You were a marginal last frontier, anyway. [NYDN]
  
  
• If you wanna end up like Gene Simmons, don't do drugs and have lots of sex, says Gene Simmons. So: who's got the glue bag? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aw. Adam Duritz and Emmy Rossum were photographed together at Lincoln Center, and the Daily News suggests that they're together. Rossum had a tough divorce and she's a legitimately talented young actress! This is nice. Also: November 1st is the ten year anniversary of the Counting Crows most underrated album, This Desert Life. You did not know that, did you? It was good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Usher's delaying his divorce as much as he possibly can by not signing papers. Let it burn, Ush. [NYDN]
  
  
• Katy Perry's dating Russel Brand. Take a crack at guessing the headline. The winner gets the satisfaction at knowing that they're five steps ahead of the Daily News' gossip pages (or what they think of their audience). Whee! Also, even I was in pain after watching him diddle Kristen Bell in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Am I alone here? Ew. [NYDN]

[Image via Disciullo/Bauer-Griffin]

• People "close" to Elizabeth Edwards say she's about to divorce hubby John and reveal all his dirty secrets in court. Yeah, we know the source is the National Enquirer, but they've been pretty accurate when it comes to the Edwards thing. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Maybe baby news! There are rumors circulating that A-Rod impregnated Kate Hudson, but Hudson's team says it's not true. We're at once fascinated and revolted, but more fascinated. [NYDN]
  
  
• Some claim Rihanna's sleeping with Justin Timberlake, but sources insist he's still technically with Jessica Biel, but the couple's definitely headed in the breakup direction. Oh young love! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Jackson knows who's to blame for daddy Michael's death: those concert promoters. She reportedly told auntie La Toya, "What happened is they worked him too hard. He never got the chance to rest. It was non-stop work." Even if that quote's total bullshit, it's still sad. [Mirror]
  
  
• Because someone in Hollywood thinks Jessica Alba can perform, the actress will be in the latest installment of the grossly overrated Meet the Fockers franchise. [PopWatch]
  
  
• A new book claims Liz Taylor tried to kill herself after Richard Burton ended one of their many romances. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Proving that it's hard to kick bad habits, Amy Winehouse and former husband Blake Fielder-Civil have rekindled their love — on Facebook! [The Sun]
  
  
• Poor Emma Watson. She just wanted to go to college like a normal young woman. Too bad no one told her Harvard's filled with a bunch of douche losers who have nothing to do other than stalk her and then tweet about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna told David Letterman that she would rather be turned to pulp by a runaway train than marry again. [HuffPo]
  
  
• People say Entourage star Kevin Dillon and his wife are calling it quits. He's not helping matters by flirting with women left, right and center. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now we can have a Palin nation! Rumor has it the — shit, we don't even know how to describe her — also-ran wants to land a beauty deal to "capitalize on her 'lipstick on a pit bull' catchphrase." [Page Six]

• Gwyneth Paltrow's cup runneth over during a security check in Barcelona. Translation: he tits were popping out like something awful. [The Sun]
  
  
• Sorry, world, but Megan Fox insists she'll never have a sex tape. Not one that you'll see, at least, which we find kind of surprising. [Us]
  
  
• An Italian reporter stripped down and begged George Clooney for a kiss. He was rebuffed. [E!]
  
  
• It will please you all to know that Jennifer Aniston still believes in love. Whether the elusive emotion still believes in her remains to be seen. [NYDN]
  
  
• Janet Jackson will offer a tribute to her late brother at MTV's VMA awards. Sources say she's not only looking to honor Michael's memory, but also to make the world forget her Superbowl nip slip. [MSNBC]
  
  
• You know how conservatives are always crying, "Think of the children?" Well that's exactly what CNN Airport network did when they banned a PeTA advert in which Pamela Anderson strips passengers of their cruel, animal haberdashery. Said the network to PeTA, "[we're] particularly sensitive because children make up part of the demographic in airports." [Page Six]
  
  
• Shawne Merriman's ex-girlfriend joined his side in the Tila Tequila domestic violence battle. The woman, Gloria Velez, insists Merriman never laid a hand on her. [TMZ]
  
  
• Chris Robinson, the Black Crowes singer best known for once marrying Kate Hudson, has impregnated another, far less famous woman. [Star]
  place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Hudson's wearing a diamond ring, which has some people wondering if she'll marry A-Rod, but we think it will never happen, because, you know, it just won't. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ali Wise, the Dolce and Gabbana flack accused of hacking into interior designer Nina Freudenberger's voicemail, has the strong support of her former boyfriend, hotelist Jason Pomeranc. He calls her a "great girl" and insists the alleged crime was nothing but "playful." Aren't ex-boyfriends the best?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bet.com's former executive editor, Andreas Hale has loads to say about his former employers, and is currently taking on "the unprofessionalism, the tomfoolery, the favors, the misappropriation of resources, the bad ideas that reinforce negative stereotypes" that run rampant across the site's team. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian and her baby-daddy are getting along swimmingly and even finding time to dine with Kevin Federline. Can you believe we just wrote that without puking all over the place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aww! Sexually ambigious singer Mika invited all of his Twitter friends to a bar to get trashed and then he paid the £25,000 tab. [The Sun]

• Initial reports cited DJ AM's death as a simple overdose, but a medical exam found 8 undigested OxyContin in his stomach, which leads at least once source to say his death was suicide. A Valentine's card from his ex-girlfriend was found near his body. TMZ, however, talked to police sources who insist it was not suicide. Still, this is sad and we don't like it. [People and TMZ]
  
  
• Britain's food-obsessed Harden Guide cited four of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants as a "disappointment." Another reviewer suggested the celebrity chef "hang [his] head in shame." [Daily Mail]
  
  
• David Beckham's so worried that his children will be America-fied that he makes them watch BBC. Isn't that child abuse? [The Sun]
  
  
• Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will speak at a memorial for fallen newsman Walter Cronkite. Oh, so will Les Moonves, Katie Couric and many, many others. [B&C]
  
  
• Rumor has it that designer Derek Lam's company has been losing about $1 million a month. [Page Six]
  
  
• Holy God, why? Spencer Pratt wants to legally change his name to "King Spencer Pratt." What a prat. [Star]
  
  
• Kate Hudson and A-Rod have only been dating for five months, but she's always at his apartment, even when he's not there. That's creepy and weird and sad. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Hahahaha! Real Housewives of New York cast members Ramona Crazy Eyes, Kelly Bensimon and "the Countess" all accosted Alec Baldwin in the Hamptons, but he didn't recognize them. Sad! When he was told who they were, he made fun of the show. But, he did ask about Bethenny Frankel, who he did want to meet. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Madonna's youngin' boyfriend Jesus Luz fancies himself a deejay, but those familiar with his musical selections say otherwise: "In his last gig at Pacha, in Buzios, guests at the club said his set list wasn't captivating at all, and the dance floor was almost empty." Tear. [Page Six]
  
  
• Gossip Girl actors Penn Badgley and Matthew Settle hung out with hooker-beating ShamWow pitchman Vince Offer. [Page Six]

• This is so not a bury-the-lede thing. You gotta run this one first, you know? Some foreign WireImage photog at the opening of The W in Ft. Lauderdale (which we covered in yesterday's roundup) screamed at Blake Lively, on the photo line: "You look beautiful, like a llama!" He meant to call her a gazelle, but the moment had already passed, and honestly, the Llama is a beautiful animal in its own right. Lively was later heard asking Penn Badgley what the import of that expression was, and did an impression of a llama for him shortly thereafter. Now, when Lively gets lined up for the feature adaptation of The Llama Song, you're going to remember this moment, and smile wistfully. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heidi Pratt was supposedly rushed to a hospital in Costa Rica after suffering some kind of undisclosed medical emergency while shooting I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Husband Spencer's sister is Twittering about it, somewhere. To be on the safe side: if this isn't bullshit, we hope for a safe and speedy recovery. But to be on the safe side: it's probably, like everything else they do, complete, utter, Grade-A bullshit. Which is why I can't bring myself to report this as news. Let's see who else gets hosed. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Rappers, they're just like us! Some contractor was trying to screw Fitty (50 Cent, for those who aren't "in the know") out of money for house repairs and stuff. Fitty had 21 questions for him, and the contractor could only answer eight, so he did what all hard ass gangsters do and filed a lawsuit, which has now been settled. [NME]
  
  
• Our second Marilyn Manson gossip item of the weekend! Apparently, he's so hooked on drugs, he cries to his tour manager about it, which makes me sad. Also, he once went to an AA meeting and got asked for an autograph. [Daily Star]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse! Right? She's hanging out with some local kids from St. Lucia on a vacation there. The D-Listed writer does this better than I ever could: "When Amy Wino isn't swallowing tequila bottles whole, she's holding court with the locals of St. Lucia and teaching them the ways of the crackie. Seriously, what in Crackie of the Flies Hell is going on here? All I see is Wino sucking her thumb and the locals looking at her with "bitch you crazy" eyes." Seriously, I love D-Listed. Absolute trash, but hysterical. [D-Listed]
  
  
• Megan Fox became so image-obsessed while filming the new Diablo Cody movie (Jennifer's Body) that her hair started to fall out. [Daily Star]
  
  
• Woah! T.I. got married to his longtime girlfriend this weekend before heading off to jail to serve a year for that pesky gun charge. They've been engaged for two years, they've had two kids together (and have three from a relationship previous to this), and they're really cute. Do you know who T.I.'s wife is? It's 'Tiny' from 90s R & B group Xscape! How can you not love this? [NME]
  
  
• A-Rod's new chick, Kate Hudson, showed up at Yankee Stadium yesterday during the team's 9-7 loss to the Tampa Bay Rays. I don't like this, at all. Yes, you're Goldie Hawn's daughter, but why A-Rod? Not...Jeter? Or Matsui? You had to go with A-Rod? Anyway: we're sucking enough this year so please don't pile the whole Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo curse on us with this shit and just, I don't know, go to the NL Central games or something. [NY Daily News] Oh, and, related, I guess: A-Rod left the game and coached some kids in a little league game after the loss; the team he coached beat the team Richard Gere coached, which, oh, whatever. Just read it if you really want to. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Ron Jeremy is opening up a swingers club in too-granola-for-its-own-good Portland, Oregon, which is the least likely place to open up a swingers club. What about Lincoln, Nebraska or something? [Page Six]
• And just because you made it down here:

  The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Selena Roberts just wrote the big scandalous book about A-Rod (and the NYT was scooped on its contents, btw). One of her accusations in the book: that, during blowout games, A-Rod used to tip batters on the opposing team to what pitches were on the way, if they would do the same for him.

So last Sunday, the NYT examined A-Rod's stats in a "Keeping Score" column, and found that there was no statistical evidence to back up the allegation (better hitting by A-Rod or the opposing middle infielders late in blowout games, for example). The headline: "Numbers Indicate Rodriguez Didn't Tip Pitches With Rangers."

Which pissed off Selena Roberts, we hear! Her reps contacted the NYT, complaining that the story's writer never contacted her, and, more importantly, that the story's headline wasn't supported by its facts because her book claims that A-Rod was cheating with a select group of buddies, not every opposing middle infielder in baseball.

We hear that the Times acknowledged that the headline was erroneous, but internal debate about whether to run an editor's note—a debate which went all the way up to Bill Keller—took so long that the correction to the story was just added yesterday.

Here it is:

A headline for the Keeping Score column on Sunday, about an analysis of the assertion in a new book that Alex Rodriguez revealed pitches to opposing middle infielders to let them know what was coming with the expectation that they would return the favor, referred incorrectly to the findings. As the column reported, the numbers show that either no so-called tipping of pitches occurred or that it was ineffective; the numbers did not "indicate" that "Rodriguez didn't tip pitches."

But Roberts is still pissed that nothing in the story was changed. Says one of the people who are working with her: "First The Times was beaten by its former reporter with the bombshell story that A-Rod used steroids. Then The Times gets the story about A-Rod cheating during games all wrong. But Bill Keller is too worried about losing readers and losing money to risk losing faith among readers by running an appropriate editor's note or full correction."

That seems a bit overblown. (We've contacted the paper for comment and we'll let you know what we hear. UPDATE: See their response below.) The original headline may have been a stretch, but stats are stats. A-Rod could have gotten tipped off for pitches and still not hit better. He could have done it so infrequently that it didn't show up in his stats. You can both be right! Let's all come together to condemn this rich baseball player as one.

[NYT story with correction here. Selena Roberts also addresses this in a Deadspin podcast today.]

UPDATE: NYT spokesperson Diane McNulty sends us this response:

The article did not take issue with Selena Roberts's assertions about A-Rod. It said that the effects that any tipped pitches would normally be expected to produce did not show up in statistics, which indicated that "either no tipping was going on or it was pathetically ineffective." The headline on the article went beyond that and so we promptly (on Monday for Tuesday's paper, typical for errors in Sunday editions) corrected it. There was no internal debate at all about whether to run an editors' note.

In October 2003, Rodriguez, then playing with the Texas Rangers, allegedly "invited" Marlon Portillo into his home to lay carpet. Portillo claimed Rodriguez's dog Gypsy bit him. (Gypsy, a black German Shepherd with some wolf blood, died of cancer in 2004; that same year, Rodriguez joined the New York Yankees in a trade.)

Portillo filed his suit October 2007, nearly four years later, right before the statute of limitations would have run out. As of last summer, the suit was heading for trial. But according to public record-sifting P.I. Joseph Culligan, Portillo's lawyer told another reporter yesterday afternoon that it had been settled and that nothing more could be said about it, but that Portillo was "happy" with the result — which suggests that the parties reached a settlement which included a confidentiality clause. Reached by phone Monday evening, Portillo declined to comment. His lawyer did not return a message left for him.

A confidentiality clause is a routine step in legal settlement with a celebrity, if just to prevent the size of the settlement from getting out. Except for this: In December 1998, Miami police cited Portillo for a prostitution misdemeanor. Charges were dropped, according to records obtained by Culligan, and posted on Webofdeception.com. Florida law labels both paying for sex and offering sex for money as "prostitution," but Culligan says Portillo told him last summer that he was the one offering sex.

(Photo by Getty Images)

• The pair was seen last week with a group of 10 or so people at Lure in Soho enjoying a three-hour tour. Billionaire man-about-town Ron Burkle was there. The captains of wealth ate and ate and ate, their mouths glistening with fish grease, their bellies sloshing with beer, the salty dogs laughing heartily all evening. Sexy! [P6]
• Don't worry. The Blue Parrot, the "honky tonk" Mexican restaurant in decidedly un-honky tonk and un-Mexican East Hampton, will live again. And it will refuse to modernize or "go trendy." Phew. [P6]
• For $50,000 wan actress Chloe Sevigny will show up to your party and sulk for a while, then whine to you that she doesn't know how much a quart of milk costs. For an extra ten grand, she'll chain smoke in the corner and pass out in a heap on the floor. [P6]
• Swoony vampire hunk Robert Pattinson, from teen sex tingler Twilight, apparently told a young lady at a bar: "If I could, I’d have a — on the inside of my elbow so I could lick it all day long.” We're assuming the "—" is code for popsicle. [NYDN]
• Everyone at the Golden Globes took home bags and bags fabulous, glittery swag except for a few pompous principled little prisses. Vanessa Hudgens, the superstar from High School Musical, chatted modestly about her enormous new house while taking $12,000 worth of free shit, like a BlackBerry and a year's worth of movie passes and a gym membership and she smiled and politely farted while outside a hobo ran by in flames and helicopters began dropping out of the sky. [NYDN]
• Elsewhere at the Golden Globe Awards last night: Sascha Baron Cohen scandalized everyone by calling Guy Ritchie Madonna's hired help, Tina Fey made fun of bloggers, Kate Winslet won all the awards, Brad Pitt and Brangelina or whatever were "chaotic and messy," Aaron Eckhart said that Heath Ledger's posthumous meaningless trophy was "fantastic," a movie about horrifyingly impoverished Mumbai won many awards (the ones Kate Winslet didn't snatch away) as well as lots of self-congratulating nodding, knowing applause from the audience, and then across the country everyone else went broke [Us, NYT]

Image via Splash

There's a lot of weird pairings going on right now, putting the world in a similar position to when Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated in 1914. (Legend has it John Mayer's to blame for that one.) Celebrity couples were the way Nostradamus made predictions, and they are the basis of whatever the heck Simon Baker does every week on The Mentalist. We've already explained the reason for the A-Rod-Madonna connection, and you can add these five signs to the mix:

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake
Status: Apparently these two are pre-engaged, a marital state that my Dad says doesn’t exist. I have the sinking feeling that the Summer Catch starlet and JT have united under the solid premise that they will both look like old lesbians in under six years. Must two people jog that often?
Who's Getting the Better of It?: There is deep possibility that Biel looks like Chyna underneath her clothes. JT calls Jessica 'bro' by accident sometimes, later apologizing with flowers and treadmills. JT can do no wrong.
How Would You Characterize The Sex?: Timberlake prefers a muscular woman, like Chyna, or Britney. For Biel’s part, it’s good to know you can have Justin Timberlake’s bat and balls in your mouth anytime you want it. I believe Clive Davis paid generously to set up a similar situation with JT.
Prognosis: A couple that exercises together, stays together...until something slightly better comes along.

David Cross and Amber Tamblyn
Status: There's nothing like a good age gap to get those sexual juices flowing. The former Joan of Arcadia, Tamblyn's 25 and Cross is 44, which is really not that bad if you rate it on the Billy Joel meter.
Who’s Getting The Better of It?: It depends on whether David is in Mr. Show form or if he sounds anything like he did on his last CD. Since he was probably drinking during the former and sober for the latter, at least we know Tamblyn is safe from his beer rage.
How Would You Characterize The Sex?: What's the over-under on the number of Never Nude jokes that are made in that bedroom? They probably just cuddle up in front of Arrested Development reruns and snuggle like most Jewish couples.
Prognosis: A Mitch Albom book in the making.

Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere
Status: Milo broke Rory Gilmore's heart onGilmore Girls and he's been dating the freshly legal Hayden after a few other ladies didn't make the cut. I'd judge him more harshly, but three years in close quarters with Alexis Bledel is tough to top. I'm interested in signing a multi-year contract to be her underpants.
Who's Getting the Better of It?: Milo is a lacto-vegetarian, and that's pretty much the only advantage he has on the 19 year-old actress.
How Would You Characterize The Sex?: Hayden always promises they’ll expand their repertoire, but instead they’re so tired from shopping all day Milo just plays Grand Theft Auto with Hayden’s younger brother, hoping to get cast as Maebe's love interest in the new Arrested Development movie.
Prognosis: Hayden's going to release her own CD later this year, an enterprise which will likely allow her to turf her hanger-on boyfriend and the rest of the cast of Heroes. Never again will she have to reassure Milo that he looks hot on an escalator. In five months, she won't remember Robert Forster's name.

Joe Jonas and Camille Belle
Status: This developing young celebrity couple is the newest smash pairing, and comes on the heels of Jonas' phone break-up with squeeze Taylor Swift (right).
Who's Getting the Better Of It?: The story behind this one is weird, as Jonas essentially swapped country star Swift for a woman who looks exactly like her, but a brunette. And he did it in a 27 second phone call. The Jonas always wins.
How Would You Characterize The Sex?: Non-existent. The brothers have openly stated that their abstinence is "pretty awesome, and the rings are just one of our ways of kind of like being different than everybody else out there." They started wearing the rings because their parents Denise and Kevin Sr. asked them if they wanted to.
Prognosis: Is there a red-headed up-and-coming actress or singer that Jonas can switch over to now? It can't be Joss Stone, because she would throw his purity ring in the English Channel.

Tina Fey and Bob Tuna
Status: Happily married until Tina starts commanding $15 million a movie, Tina's husband is a composer for SNL, and was born without a name. We call him Bob Tuna because we think it’s a mean thing to call someone, like, "Hey Bob Tuna!" or "Bob Tuna! Uncalled for!" You know, if he does something inappropriate.
Who’s Getting The Better of It?: Just ask Todd Palin. In the photo of the Tuna at left, you can see him just mere seconds before he experienced his first unhappiness from Fey's success.
How Would You Characterize The Sex?: Let's just say the appealing scar on the left side of Tina's face plays a prominent role.
Prognosis: Tina must take Bob Tuna to Mordor.

Madonna and Gwyneth became friends in 1999, just around the time when Madge started dating Guy Ritchie, whom she met through Sting and his wife Trudie Styler. Their friendship started out randy, with this report from early 2000 in the Vancouver Province:

Some new late-breaking gossip from the wild scene at the Bar Room on New Year's Eve: The New York Post reports that, at around 4 a.m. Jan 1, Madonna and newfound soul mate Gwyneth Paltrow began necking like mad.

Not surprising, since Madge has a long history of "close" relationships with female friends like Sandra Bernhard and Ingrid Cesares. Then later in 2000, Gwyneth was a bridesmaid in Madonna's wedding, alongside other new posh British friend Stella McCartney. What happened to her sassy, scrappy girls from way back like Debi Mazar and Rosie O'Donnell? Why weren't they part of Madonna's public narrative anymore?

In 2002, the Chicago Sun-Times wondered the same thing. "What draws the Detroit homegirl and the uptown fashion queen toward each other?" they pondered. Gwyneth told them that she and Madge get along because "we are on similar paths in our lives in what we eat and our yoga—stuff like that."

But perhaps the Madonna's Brit-love was turning to hate, even as early as '04? According to a report in the Daily Mail,

Miss Paltrow, who is often fulsome in her praise of Britain and whose husband is English rock singer Chris Martin, has apparently decided on a home birth at her mother's house in Los Angeles…One friend said: 'Madonna told her all these horror stories about how bad the English hospitals are. So now she has decided to give birth in Los Angeles.'…'Have you been to hospitals in England?' Madonna asked. 'They are old and Victorian. You know I like efficiency.'

Ah yes, efficiency. One has to wonder, as the Sun-Times did half a decade ago, if Madonna and Gwyneth will remain close when their friendship is no longer mutually beneficial. Madonna became friends with Gwyneth when she was trying to cultivate a classy, erudite image. Gwyneth became friends with Madonna when she was just acclimating to British society and needed a famous friend. Somehow we can't imagine Chris Martin and A-Rod bonding over, well, anything. A love of yoga and macrobiotics is usually not the stuff of longterm relationships. Now that the always shape-shifting Madonna is moving on from that stage of her life, will Gwyneth be along for the ride?

Earlier: Madonna To Replace Guy With Gwyneth

Related: A Manor Of Fact [People]

Boomp3.com

Sherlock Holmes star Robert Downey Jr and an extremely animated Jude Law took the swingin’ streets of London to help their boss, Guy Ritchie, wash that woman out of his hair with a night on the town. Downey Jr. said, “It’s not going to be a bender. It'll never be a bender, but we're going to have the most fun humanly possible before our 6 a.m. call time. Watch out, world, reformed Kabbalist on the loose!"

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Madonna and New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez took in a cozy dinner for two at Dos Caminos Third Avenue on Tuesday, a source told Usmagazine.com.

They pair ate at an alcove-like table in the back.

"They seemed very close," a source told Usmagazine.com.

...Rodriguez was smitten with Madonna six months before the scandal broke.

"He [said] he was in love her," a friend of A-Rod recalled to Us.

By February, A-Rod had upped the ante. ""He said, 'She's my f—king soulmate, dude,'" the friend said.

Fuck yeah, brah! We do feel compared to warn Rodriguez, though: sure, comparing biceps with Madonna might seem fun at first, but the singer has dated and tossed aside athletes before. Should we find you wandering around Central Park dazed, crammed into a bridal gown, and mumbling the lyrics to "Bedtime Stories," who among us will be able to say that we didn't see it coming?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Casting Scoops: 'SNL,' 'Grey's,' 'Housewives,' 'Damages,' 'Old Christine,' and More! [EW]

• A-Rod thinking beyond baseball in partnering with William Morris [ESPN]
• Alex Rodriguez [IMDB]

In a column in Ad Age, Fuller claims to know that the A-Rod/Madonna text message affair has been going on for months. Her "own source" even witnessed Madonna enter an elevator with A-Rod six months ago! They didn't come back down for an hour!

Isn't it strange, then, that their relationship only went highly public just over three weeks ago when Madonna and her two sons turned up wearing Yankees gear and sitting in A-Rod's box at a Yankee Stadium baseball game?

Wasn't that just a couple of days after news reports had appeared saying the tickets for her upcoming tour weren't being snapped up as quickly as expected?

Yes! That makes perfect sense! Madonna entered into this affair half a year ago and has now gone public with it in order to boost ticket sales for her upcoming tour. One wonders why she didn't try this homewrecking celebrity scandal trick when she was, say, trying to boost sales of her album, but maybe she just thought she'd save the big guns for the slow July news season? This goes even deeper than you can possibly imagine!

Her supposedly "estranged" husband, Guy Ritchie, has joined her and appears to be completely in on the whole marketing plan. He's been photographed with his two sons wearing Yankee booty at Central Park in recent days. My guess is that if Madonna's marriage is almost over and out, as has been reported, it's being maintained now by two total pragmatists who have made a pact to divide the financial rewards of a successful concert tour and album sales.

As for all the kabbalah, I believe it's just a cover that's been used to give Madonna and her new conquest more private time together.

Wheels within wheels. We're through the looking glass here, people.

For our part, we wonder how the woman who practically single-handedly invented the modern Celebrity-Industrial Complex at Us Weekly and Star is now sounding like a crazy HuffPo commenter? It's probably due to some conspiracy she entered into with Madonna and the Church of Scientology or something.

According to a tipster, Castro has been accepting free tickets to Madonna shows since at least the early 90s. Those tickets, of course, sell for exorbitant amounts, and can be scalped for even more—in all they add up to "thousands" in value, the tipster says. The most recent case, they say, was the Madonna show in New York that Yankee superstar A-Rod attended, and which is now the subject of great interest because of the rumored fling between the two.

And who is bestowing all these tickets on Castro? Reportedly it's Liz Rosenberg, Madonna's lying flack! You may also have noticed People's recent sappy and credulous coverage of the supposed strength of Madonna's marriage to Guy Ritchie. Our source says that the friendly Castro deliberately chose to overlook the A-Rod affair rumors and "play nice" with Madonna and Rosenberg.

But we're sure it was a coincidence. Have other info? Email us.