On the ABC soap, Franco plays Franco (how meta!) an artist who has come to the fictional town of Port Charles, New York, where the show takes place, for a gallery exhibit. For an upstate town that no one has ever heard of, Port Charles is pretty cosmopolitan. Not only is there the hospital of the title, but they have their own university and art galleries. They are also overrun with gang violence and really, really sexy mobsters.

Somehow, Franco got photos of the dead body of Claudia Corinthos, ex-wife of mob boss Sonny Corinthos (pictured here), and is using the pictures to blackmail his enforcer, Jason Morgan. See, Claudia was involved in the shooting of Michael, Sonny's son. When Sonny found out, he shamed her in front of the whole town. She went crazy and took pregnant lady Carly (also Sonny's ex-wife) hostage. When trying to escape, Carly got free and went into the woods and had her baby in a cabin. Claudia found her and the baby, but before she could do anything, Michael showed up and killed her.

Following this? Good. So, Michael calls Jason (pictured here), who is also Carly's best friend, and he shows up and burns the cabin and hides the body trying to cover up the murder.

Also, Franco might have some role in the ongoing feud between Sonny and Jason and fellow mob boss Joey Limbo. After a meeting between the two parties there is a shoot out that Franco witnesses. What will Franco do with the information? Will he expose the murder? Will Franco bring the mob to an end? And who is the sexy lady that is getting it on with Franco? Will we all love James Franco even more for doing this? Tune in to find out. Dun-dun-dun!

[Image via Getty]

On November 4th, conservative talkdude Sean Hannity said:

A new ABC drama seems to be taking aim at Obama-mania. That's right, you heard me right. The show is called V, and it focuses on a telegenic leader who arrives from outer space offering a message of hope and compromise and promising, you guessed it, universal health care. Sound familiar? Oh, and the media? They love this new leader.

(Our own Brian Moylan weighed in as well/)

Executive producer Scott Peters denied any allegorical bent to the series. But tonight's episode shows that, indeed, V is a thinly-disguised polemic against the Obama administration that may as well have been bankrolled by Fox News. Here are four clips that prove it:

In this scene, Chad Decker—a journalist who's in bed with the alien Visitors—reports on the U.S. deciding to granting the aliens visas; he then receives a call from the alien leader, Anna, thanking him for his help.
Talk about riding into anti-Obamaville on a horse made of allegories! Where to even start with this thing!? First of all: visas = immigration. The media is covering immigration in the show, just like they do in America. So, easy parallel: Media in the show = Media in real life. The aliens in this clip stand for Chinese people. Or maybe Russians. (But not Canadians or Mexicans, since they don't need visas to enter the U.S..)

And it's already been established that the alien leader Anna = Obama.

ALLEGORICAL ANTI-OBAMA POINT: Obama controls the media and is secretly Chinese or Russian.

In this scene, the aliens torture a human prisoner with a pile of snakes to try to get valuable information from him:
This one is a little trickier. Obviously, it's an allegorical commentary about torture: The aliens—who are, like, the most allegorical things ever—are torturing someone. But wait: Isn't Obama very vocally against torture in real life? Yes! So Obama is not represented by the aliens in this scene. Obama = the pile of snakes the aliens use to torture the human. (The human = America, because a lot of humans live in America.)

ALLEGORICAL ANTI-OBAMA POINT: Obama is a snake. Watch out, America!

In this scene, Erica Evans, an FBI agent, asks Father Jack, for help in finding her partner:

So obvious: Priest + FBI agent = Separation of Church and State!

ALLEGORICAL ANTI-OBAMA POINT: Separation of Church and State—which Obama strongly supports—is good up to a point, but sometimes they should be allowed to mix.

Here, the alien leader speaks to different countries in their languages the hopes of convincing them to welcome them (the aliens)
Extremely obvious parallel here: Obama speaks Spanish—just like the aliens. ("Si se puede," anyone?)

ALLEGORICAL ANTI-OBAMA POINT: Obama can speak Japanese as well as he can speak Spanish—he just chooses not to. (Suspicious.)

There you have it: Allegory solved.

• Donald Trump is now getting into bed with his worthiest apprentice/prodigal daughter Omarosa. The pair are becoming partners to produce Omarosa's Ultimate Merger a new show which will attempt to find a husband for the reality star. The show's active subtext will address the question: what is crazier, to get married on a TV show for the attention or to actually want to spend the rest of your days on Earth with Omarosa?
[Variety]

• What with Robert De Niro's film career looking more and more like some rickety nostalgia act, Tribeca sees no doubt safer waters on the small screen. Tribeca has just signed a two year deal with CBS television to develop new shows. [Variety]

• Someone has stolen a percent of ABC! Since the digital conversion, the network's clearance rate — the percentage of American households with access to ABC's affiliates — has mysteriously fallen one percent, and no one can figure out why. The single percentage point could be worth $15 — 20 million a year, but more importantly, the new digital statistics now put ABC below the despised Fox network in national access. [Variety]

• The network meanwhile has pulled the plug on witch-drama Eastwick while ordering more episodes of Jerry Bruckheimer's new procedural The Forgotten. [The Wrap]

• While Oscar's best picture race may be getting all the attention, the Hollywood Reporter writes that the animation category is shaping up as the hottest race on the book, with the field potentially increasing to five films instead of the past three. Pixar's Up faces a conundrum as it looks at potential nominations in both the animated and best picture categories, leading to the possibility that its supporters will be divided in which award they vote to give the film, a split vote which could lead the balloon film empty handed. The category also looks to become a referendum on the state of film technology today with its ranks including everything from motion capture (Christmas Carol) to hand drawn 2D (Ponyo) to claymation (Mary and Max). [Hollywood Reporter]

• Meanwhile in the main category, The Wrap's Steve Pond writes that despite the new ten film wide category, the best picture race appears to have already boiled down to a very stable, very small group of contenders, with the Oscar world basically having decided that the Best Picture of 2009 will be either Precious, Up in the Air or The Hurt Locker. [The Wrap]

• Recession or no, the buyers have been out at the American Film Market. Hoping to snag the next District 9, international agents have picked up the rights to new films starring Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis and Jodie Foster. [The Wrap]

• Disney wont have Mark Zoradi to kick around any more. After being passed over for the top job last month, the President of Disney pics, a 29-year veteran of the company, has announced he is stepping down. [Hollywood Reporter]

On the show, it is definitely a space lizard (maybe Balloon Boy's dad's conspiracy theories about lizard people were right all along!), but like a Chicago Tribune review by Glenn Garvin points out, it could also be about our nerd president.

Welcome to ABC's "V," the most fascinating and bound to be the most controversial new show of the fall television season. Nominally a rousing sci-fi space opera about alien invaders bent on the conquest (and digestion) of all humanity, it's also a barbed commentary on Obamamania that will infuriate the president's supporters and delight his detractors.

Anna is the beautiful and charming leader of the aliens—knows as V's because they are visitors—and she tells the world that her people can fix everything that is wrong with society. She has the liberal media brainwashed, and they all go along with stories about how great and wonderful she is. Of course, there is a fringe group who rebel against her and want to expose them as the evil-doing, reptile skinned, foreigners that they really are. Of course, these are the heroes of the show. Wow, that really does sound like the teabaggers! There's even a religious rebel named Father Jack, which is basically an anagram of George W. Bush.

It certainly wouldn't be new for a sci-fi series to be an allegory about modern society (Battlestar Galactica, anyone?) but it would be sort of odd for a sci-fi show on a major network to give credence to tactics and delusions of the far right. The birthers will be lapping up a show about a foreign-born president who comes to snatch society out of their clutches, and Glenn Back and his cronies will love to see a media that is overtaken by liberals and keeps the truth away from the "real Americans." But what will everyone else think?

The sci-fi culture usually veers to the left in its political allegory (again, see Battlestar or this summer's upbeat Star Trek that was an endorsement for the hopeful future that the Obama administration promised to usher in). The original 1983 miniseries that the show is based on was an anti-fascist message that preyed on "the aliens are coming, the aliens are coming" invasion fears of the Cold War. This is what it has been warped into. We find it hard to believe that thinly-veiIed conservative propaganda will find a strong foothold with the core sci-fi audience, and as for those leaning to the right, they tend to like their entertainment much more straightforward. Why try to figure out what all those lizard people mean when they can just watch Jack Bauer bash people's heads in on 24? That's their idea of fun.

Our prognosis, keep picking on the president and the only letters that V will get are D.O.A.

Thomas spent several months earlier this year working on developing a reality science TV show to pitch to networks — the "show," Thomas says, that Falcon was referring to when he told CNN "We did it for the show." Among the ideas that Heene, Thomas and two others came up with for their reality TV proposal — and one that he says most intrigued Heene — involved a weather balloon modified to look like a UFO which they would launch in an attempt to drum up media interest in both the Heene family and the series he was desperate to get on the air. Still, Thomas never imagined that Heene would involve his six-year-old son in what he is certain was a "global media hoax" to further Richard Heene's own celebrity. Thomas' story of his time with Heene, based on an interview with Ryan Tate, follows below. It's a fascinating account and after he publicly offered to sell his story, we paid him for it.

I came to Fort Collins for school — Colorado State University. I was a Web entrepreneur, starting a few small companies that evolved into a larger scale project called Extropedia.org, an open source online encyclopedia for advancing humanity through technology and science.

Doing research for the project on Google and YouTube, I stumbled upon Richard Heene and his video series Psyience Detectives. I was surprised to find this potential collaborator in the small city of Fort Collins. Since a very young age, I've been fascinated with electromagnetics, applied physics and how technologies developed out of those concepts could that change the world. Richard was studying basically the same thing. He asserted, for example, that tornadoes and hurricanes are not a result of changes in pressure but of magnetic polarity changes within the Earth.

I sent him an email in March, talking about Extropedia, a web site I founed and hope to re-launch soon. (Click here to read some of Thomas' email exchanges with the Heene family). Things progressed. Soon I was dropping in unannounced, having dinner. I'd bring various patents from the 50s and 60s that showcased technologies far more advanced than what we use today, and we discussed why they weren't being used. That was when Richard first started telling me about his conspiracy theories — which would eventually reveal themselves to be both extreme and paranoid.

Hunger for Stardom

There was something else at work, though. Oddly enough, Richard's sampling of stardom from being on Wife Swap — twice — gave him a sense of seniority in our scientific conversations. They became less and less about what I had to contribute and more and more about what Richard wanted.

And he wanted  nothing more than to get another reality TV series. Richard had an ongoing dialog with someone at ABC who helped  produce Wife Swap. Richard was pitching something along the lines of "MythBusters-meets-mad scientist." There would be these esoteric abstract experiments attempting to prove or disprove various theories. My job was to help him prepare a formal proposal. For each of 52 weekly episodes, to explain specifically what the subject would be, and why. (See the full proposal here.)

As the days progressed I became basically a stenographer. Richard was very hyperactive, and I would type out his ideas as quickly as I could. It was five hours of us brainstorming, or really Richard pouring his ideas out, then an additional ten hours of me taking his thoughts, cleaning them up, and making them linear and easier to understand. I would hyperlink the various scientific theories he mentioned for the people at ABC. I was to be paid $15 per hour, per a verbal agreement. More crucially, if and when and the reality series and was picked up by ABC, I would be one of his lead research assistants on the show.

I was very receptive to the idea of filtering esoteric science for the general population. A show would allow us to take the TV network's money and use it to fund real experimentation, to buy equipment unavailable to me as a student and an entrepreneur. We could experiment with electromagetics, crystal formation and new types of materials.

Richard, on the other hand, was often driven by ego and fame. He was all about controversy, hoping to whip up something significant enough to eliminate our reality TV competitors. He wanted episodes that would shock people and maximize his exposure. And he'd been trying for months. On several occasions, he sat down and told me he'd do whatever it took to make it happen — to win. He eventually resorted to extreme measures.

The UFO Idea (And the End of the World As We Know It in 2012)

One night, when Richard and I were sitting and talking, he brought up Wife Swap, and specifically a confrontation he had with a woman on the show who claimed to be a psychic. They very much disliked one other. Richard said, "Well, think about it. We were the 100th episode of Wife Swap. And why are we the most recognized Wife Swap family and episode? It's because of the controversy. I don't care what people say about me as a person, but the fact of the matter is that they know who I am."

And then we delved into the area of UFOs. I was reading a book on witness reports of Roswell at the time, just out of curiousity — I've never concluded whether it really took place or was an elaborate hoax. And Richard said, "how much do you want to bet we could facilitate some sort of a media stunt that would be equally profound as Roswell, and we could do so with nothing more than a weather balloon and some controversy?" (See item 16 here.)

Can we attract UFO's with a homemade flying saucer? We will modify a weather balloon, so that it resembles a UFO and will electrically charge the skin of the craft (Biefield-Brown Effect). We will capture the footage on film, and will utilize the media as a means with which to make our presence known to the masses. This will not only provide us with incredible footage, but will also generate a tremendous amount of controversy among the public, as well as publicity within the mainstream media. This will be the most significant UFO-related news event to take place since the Roswell Crash of 1947, and the result will be a dramatic increase in local and national awareness about The Heene Family, our Reality Series, as well as the UFO Phenomenon in general.

I clearly remember Richard telling me that, if we accomplish this, it would be the most controversial and widespread UFO news story since Roswell in 1947. (See audio at top of post.)

 
But he was motivated by theories I thought were far-fetched. Like Reptilians — the idea there are alien beings that walk among us and are shape shifters, able to resemble human beings and running the upper echelon of our government. Somehow a secret government has covered all this up since the U.S. was established, and the only way to get the truth out there was to use the mainstream media to raise Richard to a status of celebrity, so he could communicate with the masses.

As the weeks progressed, his theories got more and more extreme and paranoid. A lot of it surrounded 2012, and the possibility of there being an apocalyptic moment. Richard likes to talk a lot about the possibility of the Sun erupting in a large-scale solar flare that wipes out the Earth. It got to the point where he was really pressing me, saying we're running out of time, we're running out of time, the end of the world is coming. And we have to take necessary precautions to make sure that we're not among the majority that's going to be killed.

It got to the point where I was just nodding my head and going along with what he said, because it was easier than trying to debate with him. (See audio at bottom of post.)

Falcon's Fishy Flight Incident

When my friends called me about the whole balloon episode I was working. I had just moved to a new place and didn't have my television set up. I probably would never even have heard about this, except that a good friend of mine remembered me telling him about Richard several months ago. He told me, "Rob, you need to turn on the tv immediately! That Richard guy you worked with just pulled a massive publicity stunt!"

Richard's story doesn't add up. He is saying he thought Falcon was in the balloon, and that Falcon ran and hid as a result of Richard yelling at him. I've spent a lot of time with them, and Falcon is, first of all, not afraid of his father. I've never once seen Richard's children afraid of him — and I've definitely never seen Falcon go hide. He was one of the most social of the three children.

Secondly, Falcon supposedly hid in that attic in the garage. I've spent a lot of time in his garage, which has a drill press and various welding tools. It's unorganized and chaotic. There's really not so much an attic as some support beams connected with plywood. Being an adult of average height, I couldn't get up into the attic if I'd wanted to, so I don't know how a six-year-old child could have gotten up there. There's not an easy way to access that overhang. Maybe if I'd lifted that child up into the attic, he might have been able to rest up there, but not comfortably.

My doubts and concerns about that story were verified when Falcon's parents asked him on CNN, "why didn't you come out?" And Falcon said, "you guys said we did this for the show." Lights went off in my head. Bells were ringing; whistles were whistling. I said, "Wow, Richard is using his children as pawns to facilitate a global media hoax that's going to give him enough publicity to temporarily attract A-list celebrity status and hopefully attract a network."

The Price of Desperation

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I think in this case the desperation was too much for Richard to bear. Richard's construction business wasn't doing too well. It's hard to find people interested in spending money on the aesthetics of their home when they're worried about their mortgage.

A lot of the work I did with the Heene family related to passing out fliers, putting them on people's front doors. The fliers advertised a roofing business and a general handyman business. As the months progressed, Richard's paranoia increased exponentially and my paycheck decreased exponentially.  The work I put in for the ABC proposal was never compensated. Richard implied he didn't have the money to pay me. But he would always reassure me, "It's all going to pay off in the end."

But, in "the end," Richard didn't think about the implications of his behavior. He certainly didn't consider the people that were praying for his child, and the hundreds, maybe thousands of people that were inconvenienced in pursuit of this balloon. The thousands of dollars of taxpayer money spent on things that weren't necessary.

Bluntly, I think Richard's ego blinds him to his brilliance. The only thing inhibiting him from progressing is a steadfast determination to become famous and live a Hollywood lifestyle. Someone needs to slap him in the face and say, "Wake up! This is not what's important." He has an amazing family that has already been subject to a tremendous amount of criticism. I especially feel bad for Falcon. He's going to be known as Balloon Boy the rest of his life. That's not something you want to tell a girl on the first date.

For me, it's been quite the experience. I don't regret any of it. I learned a lot from Richard. Not necessarily what I should do but rather what I should not do, in my career path and in my goals. It allowed me to question, "What do I find of value in the world?" And I was led to the conclusion that the only thing that matters to me is my friends and family and loved ones. Everything else is details. If the world were going to end tomorrow, like a lot of Richard's theories on 2012, who would you go to? Would you go to a bunch of investors for some company or a reality show? Or would you go to your family and friends?

Here are two audio clips from Ryan's interview with Thomas:

(Richard and Falcon Heene pic via AP, reptilian humanoid pic via; 2012 apocalypse image via)

The Heenes have lived a self-consciously adventurous life, and sought to engage their children in it. Richard is a stormchaser, an amateur scientist (with some strange theories about civilization on Mars), and an avid self-promoter. When the family appeared on ABC's Wife Swap last year, the episode's set-up was that a stuffy, safety-obsessed woman was saddled with Richard and his wild boys. Here's a wrap-up of the show, featuring Falcon, the missing boy, saying, "Fuck this rule!"

Here is a report on the Heenes from a local Colorado station last year when they went as a family to chase Hurrican Gustav. Heene tells the reporter that "safety is always first" when chasing storms and that he hopes his sons learn the lesson of hard work and to love what they do from their excursions.

This undated family rap, apparently self-produced, features the boys and plenty of home video that somehow made it onto the internet.

Here is Heene, in a video he uploaded to CNN's iReport, explaining his discovery of life on Mars. This could be tongue-in-cheek.

And here's a YouTube video of Heene explaining his suspicion that John F. Kennedy Jr.'s death in a plane crash was faked. We're not entirely sure that this—and the above Mars video—isn't a gonzo persona of some sort.

Heene had a web show called "The Science Detectives"—alternatively spelled "The Psyience Detectives." Video of him discussing the science of 2012 end-of-the-world predictions can be seen here.

Richard and his wife Mayumi also created children's videos, including this instructional video on how to build fire trucks, trains and airplanes for your kids to play in out of cardboard boxes.

Our sincere hope is that this was all a hoax.

ABC confirmed that Franco will be on the show playing a "mysterious person" who moves into Port Charles, the fictional New York town that is over run by mobsters, evil family dynasties, and plots to freeze the entire world. Guess that's not any more ludicrous than Spider-Man. ABC Soaps In Depth speculates that his story arc will be a few months long and that he'll do one day on the set each week, filming scenes for several episodes at once. His story begins on November 20. Oh man, Franco is totally going to get me sucked back into this show!

Why would Franco, who is a veddy serious actor, want to be on General Hospital? Isn't this the place where people start out hoping that they'll get a career in film, not the other way around? And it's not like he needs a boost of publicity for a sagging career or as a stunt to get more people to go see his upcoming movie Howl. Some guessed that it's research for a film project, and that sounds about the only explanation that seems plausible. But how in the hell is Franco going to turn the character gay?

[Image via Getty]

It means that we will miss out on our favorite part of the television season, where, after all the months of hype, a bunch of shows fail spectacularly and are canceled after only a few weeks. Usually that time of year is right now, and so far we only have one casualty (RIP TBL). Fuck this series of slow deaths, we miss our annual massacre!

It also means that we're going to be stuck with NCIS: Los Angeles and a host of other crap for the long haul. It also means that, while many are performing well, thanks to NBC and their awful Jay Leno experiment, there are actually fewer series premieres this year than usual. It even further means there are fewer people watching network television. You know when your show doesn't even crack 10 million and it's considered a big victory times are getting tough.

Here's a breakdown of how everything is doing so far:

The Good:

• NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) is the clear breakout hit with 18.7 million on its debut, proving once again that Americans love shitty television.
• The Good Wife (CBS) bobbled most of it's lead in, but pulled in an excellent 13.7 million viewers and won its time slot. Way to go, Carol Hathaway!
• Modern Family (ABC) rode positive ratings to a 12.7 million bow and its companion Cougar Town (ABC) was right behind it with 11.6.
• Flash Forward (ABC) predicted itself 12.4 million viewers, so we'll at least see how the mystery ends. Still, it's no Lost.
• The Vampire Diaries only scared up 4.8 million (shit more teenage girls than that stand wailing out front of Robert Pattinson's hotel room on a daily basis), but that was The CW's highest debut ever.
• The Cleveland Show (Fox) did just about as well as Family Guy with a 9.4 million on a Sunday night.
• Accidentally on Purpose (CBS) made 9 million people not laugh.
• The Forgotten (ABC) and Eastwick (ABC) were just on the right side of average with 9.5 and 9.3 million respectively.
• Though the numbers for Glee (Fox) weren't the highest at 7.3 million, it's still being considered a victory since a show this good and quirky actually seems to be finding some sort of audience.

The Bad:

• The Jay Leno Show (NBC) started out nice and strong with an amazing 18 million, but then fell to 5.7 million a week later and its ratings continue to go up and down a bit, but usually lands at the bottom of the pile. Please, please, make the unfunny stop!
• Community (NBC) also had a strong debut, keeping most of the run-off from the Office for an audience of 7.7 million. However, the next week, more than 2 million checked out and its ratings were down to 5.4 million.
• Medical drama Mercy (NBC) will be on life support soon, with only 8.2 checking it out on it's first Wednesday night. Yes, NBC officially sucks.

The Ugly:

• Brothers (Fox) started off with 2.8 million. Let's see how long it holds on.
• Melrose Place is hobbling along with only 2.3 million viewers in its opening week, and not much more since then. The network has ordered more episodes and Heather Locklear is set to come back in November, so lets hope she can breathe life into this thing for the second time.
• The Beautiful Life (CW) already got it's ass canceled. We blame Mischa Barton's wisdom teeth.

In a word: no. When Updike wrote the book, he wanted to break free of his generally misogynistic mold and created women who weren't whorish, stupid or baby killers.

Some argue, yes, that the portrayal of women as witches only reinforces negative stereotypes, but Updike disagreed. "Let us respectfully construe the word 'witch' as 'free woman," he explained, while also assuring critics that the book was "one attempt to make things right with my, what shall we call them, feminist detractors." Political or no, the book was pure Updike: a dirty, satirical examination of American ways.

While most of the original's sumptuous descriptions couldn't be directly translated to film, at least the 1987 adaptation provided an excuse to bring three lovely actresses — Cher, Michelle Pfeifer and Susan Sarandon — onto one screen. Plus, it's pretty damn good and was wildly popular, which explains why Hollywood types continue to salivate over the story of three magical women and the man they love, Darryl von Horne. Separate pilots were shot in 1992 and 2002. Neither made the cut, obviously. So why would ABC have a go?

It's unlikely they wantto make a feminist statement, nor do the show's previews have much hint of satire — or even brains. And certainly a network show can't be as sexy as the book or the movie, although the writers will definitely try.

No, the network appears to be trying to capitalize on pop culture's supernatural obsession while also attempting a revival of its Desperate Housewives brand of quirky soap. None of that should be surprising considering the remake mania that has swept the nation as of late, not to mention the recent spate of spooky soaps.

But will viewers buy it? Who knows. The reviews haven't been great. Washington Post critic Tom Shales already says he wants it to "disappear," while the Boston Herald says the show has "all the markings of being an early casualty of the season." That's not very promising. This writer loves the show's more recognizable stars, Lindsay Price and Rebecca Romijn, and I hope it doesn't get axed right away, but even on paper this sounds like an unnecessary, doomed mission, so I'm not holding my breath.

It's hard to know what Updike would say about this whole mess, because he's dead, although this quote may provide a hint: "Americans have been conditioned to respect newness, whatever it costs them." That's obviously no longer true.

The Hollywood Reporter passes on word that Huffington has joined forces with How I Met Your Mother executive producer Greg Malins to concoct a new ABC series about three newbie Congressional members trying to make their way in our nation's capital:

The 20th Century Fox TV-produced project centers on the friendship of three freshman members of Congress — two men and a woman — who live together in D.C.

"One is swept up in the movement of change and goes to D.C. to make a difference; one has been in politics for a long time; and one is a master of the media and sound bites," Malins said.

The project will draw inspiration from real-life Washington figures.

Apparently Malins and company think DC is the hottest ticket in Hollywood. You know, because Barack Obama has made the District cool again. But has it really?

A number of DC-based shows tried — and failed — to make it to the small screen this season, yet television big-wigs axed the ideas. And, honestly, we can't blame them. Our nation has become hyper-politicized and the very thought of a fictionalized account of our collective national struggle seems, at best, a lame attempt at zeitgeist-related desperation.

This ill-advised and delusional jailhouse interview with ABC News is just the thing to sustain all you Hipster Grifter addicts until the Law and Order episode comes out.

"As far as this whole story is concerned, I think that the reason it has been such a big deal is because I am pretty, intelligent and very well spoken," Ferrell told ABC News in a series of phone interviews from jail. "I am charming and funny."

Kari will not be sentenced for her crimes until next month, so perhaps teary contrition is in order, here? Nonsense! She lied in court at her extradition hearing, and she's not about to let her hardcore record be marred. We sincerely hope that Kari Ferrell is slyly manipulating us all. Rather than this being her sincere explanation as to why so many people came out to tell stories about her, you know, robbing them and stuff:

"Everybody wants their 15 minutes of fame," she said

Sure. Kari, you see, is different. She wasn't "WASPy enough" to stick with her tennis lessons; she was "already reading at a college level " in second grade(!), she says; her keen and rebellious mind was a little to much for those white-bread teachers:

"In history I always asked about the war in the Philippines or how Columbus slaughtered millions of people. And that's not what they teach in the public schools in Utah," Ferrell said. "The teachers had no idea what to do with me."

Send you to detention, for stealing chalk? We may never know. What we do know is that after ending the war in the Philippines, Kari eventually made her way to New York, ripping people off all along the way. She got written up by Doree Shafrir, got famous, got caught, and got shipped back to Utah, where she's getting ready to do her time. And her plan when she gets out, my friends: To return to New York, with its infinite capacity to "forgive."

But not to forget.

While some shows, like Heroes, have tried to merge product placement and plot on the web, Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry and his crew are now bringing the trend into primetime.

The writer and others on ABC's payroll will help produce eight commercials for Sprint in which "Housewives" characters grapple with mystery, murder and general soap opera drama. Of course, none of the mainstay Housewives will appear in the commodity-driven mini-series. Rather, the actors in the commercials will appear as "background extras" on the actual show, which could be an ultimately embarrassing move for everyone involved.

NBC and Jay Leno, whose new show premieres tonight, are taking a slightly dated approach:

And an easy way to plug an advertiser in an era when TV commercials are at the mercy of the DVR. Leno describes himself as "advertiser friendly," and NBC has already struck a deal with McDonald's, whose Monopoly-based promotion will find Leno announcing the chain's ad featuring NBC stars. Visitors to McDonald's will be steered by placards to Leno's program.
...
Today's challenging economy could well rewrite the old ad playbook, says Brian Steinberg, TV editor at Advertising Age magazine. "We'll see how much he can weave into his show. Because when the ads are part of the program, you're less likely to hit the fast-forward button," he says.

Could this be the wave of television's future? Ads are the program and the programs are the ad? Even if it works, it seems to us viewers have grown up a bit — just a bit — since television's early years and will be turned off by such obvious attempts to buy their business. Or that's our hope, at least, for the increasingly blurry lines between advertising and entertainment must be preserved at all costs.

While making the "stars" portion of the program work would seem to require that viewers be at least slightly familiar with the careers of the contestants, your ABC News presenters have oddly failed to mention DeLay's indictment for violations of campaign finance laws that forced him to resign as House Majority leader, and then go to court to have his name removed from the ballot.

The anchor does make some vaguely political joke about a House Whip being able to drum up "grassroots support" for his dancing on a television show, and that reveals an obvious unfamiliarity with DeLay's actual political methods: Tom will replace the judges with Republican lobbyists, threaten to financially support primary challengers to those who decline to compliment his dancing, and accept a million dollar bribe from a Russian oil company in exchange for his performing the Russian folk dance "Kalinka."

The aforementioned lawsuit, no doubt timed to coincide with Heaton's Who Wants to be a Millionaire appearance, was filed by former Heaton personal assistant Jennifer Lee, who claims she was fired because her child was interfering with her work and then stiffed her on $7,425 in back wages.

And then ABC aired her appearance on Millionaire!

Heaton, an unabashed anti-abortion conservative, started off her appearance on the show by having a little exchange with Regis Philbin in which she mentioned how "people who live in the middle of America, which is where I come from," are "nicer" and "smarter" than people who live on the East and West coasts. Then, prior to being presented with the one question she came on the show to answer, Heaton took a shot at her alma mater, Ohio State, by basically saying her education there did little to help her escape the throes of dumbassery (No real surprise there, right?). Then came the one question she appeared on the show to answer along with the four multiple choice answers from which she was to choose one:

If a euro is worth $1.50, five euros is worth what?

A. Thirty quarters
B. Fifty dimes
C. Seventy nickels
D. Ninety pennies

Heaton then had an unlimited amount of time to use simple arithmetic figure it out, not to mention the standard issue "lifelines" the show's famous for. What followed is both hilarious and cringeworthy.

In Heaton's defense, she was playing to raise money for charity, nor is she the first celebrity to shame themselves by appearing on a game show, but still!

The full cast of the show was announced today on Good Morning America (no LaToya, boo) and ABC has cast it similar to past years with some singers, athletes, actors, an Osmond, and a random politician. Well, since they stuck by their formula, we're going to use our own formula to handicap the odds of who is going to win your mother's favorite show. Just don't take her for all she's worth. Save that for those greedy bitches in the office pool.

Mya
You Know Her From: Her debut album.
Chances: She was known more as a singer than a dancer, but she's young and hip and has an album to promote.
Compare Her To: Toni Braxton
Odds: 20-1

Macy Gray
You Know Her From: Trying to say goodbye and choking, trying to walk away and stumbling.
Chances: Macy has always been a bit of a loon. We have a feeling that she's not going to be able to tell the difference between a foxtrot and Foxy Brown.
Compare Her To: Scary Spice
Odds: 100-1

Chuck Liddell
You Know Him From: Beating the shit out of people.
Chances: We think the Paso Doble needs a little more finess than an elbow drop, but if he's quick on his feet, he might be able to pull it off.
Compare Him To: Floyd Mayweather
Odds: 30-1

Melissa Joan Hart
You Know Her From: Explaining it all.
Chances: She has fought to stay relevant all these years, so this lady knows how to work hard. She's going to give it her all. Let's just hope her pesky brother Ferguson doesn't ruin it!
Compare Her To: Jenny Garth
Odds: 15-1

Kathy Ireland
You Know Her From: Beating off to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue in the '80s.
Chances: She is making so much money from hocking her shit at KMart that she doesn't need a career boost. But, she looks damn good for 46, so she may just get her cha-cha on.
Compare Her To: Paulina Porizkova
Odds: 30-1

Mark Dacascos
You Know Him From: Do we?
Chances: This former Iron Chef fixture is a nobody, and not even a hot nobody like Gilles Marini. We refuse to acknowledge that he is on the show.
Compare Him To: Helio Castroneves
Odds: N/A

Ashley Hamilton
You Know Him From: Boinking Shannen Doherty.
Chances: Um, if you can survive living with her and coming out alive, then you can kick ass doing a few twirls around the dancefloor. Also, his father George didn't do badly on the show.
Compare Him To:
Odds: 10-1

Michael Irvin
You Know Him From: ESPN, the Cowboys
Chances: The "old athlete" has proven to be a contender in past years. Also, if he doesn't want to be teased by his football chums for years, he better do well.
Compare Him To: Warren Sapp
Odds: 5-1

Donny Osmond
You Know Him From: Conquering all media with Mormon mind tricks.
Chances: They're good. Fuck.
Compare Him To: Marie Osmond
Odds: 3-2

Tom DeLay
You Know Him From: The U.S. House of Representatives
Chances: Oh please. The "old guy" never makes it that far.
Compare Him To: Tucker Carlson
Odds: 100-1

Natalie Coughlin
You Know Her From: Watching her in between Michael Phelps video montages during the summer Olympics.
Chances: Swimming requires microscopic attention to detail just like ballroom does, and she's used to working in ludicrous outfits. Keep your eye on her.
Compare Her To: Shawn Johnson
Odds: 4-1

Joanna Krupa
You Know Her From: Runways, your dreams.
Chances: You know how pretty girls are lousy in bed because they don't have to do much work. Well, the same applies to dancing.
Compare Her To: Josie Maran
Odds: 60-1

Debi Mazar
You Know Her From: Entourage before it sucked.
Chances: She is the only one on the cast who was in a Madonna video. She didn't dance, but still. But she never really took her career that far, so does she have the motivation?
Compare Her To: Vivika A. Fox
Odds: 25-1

Kelly Osbourne
You Know Her From: The first circle of reality television hell.
Chances: The chubby teen girl slot isn't the worst one to fill. Also, Sharon will be there cheering her on, so let's hope she stays around, if only for her family in the audience.
Compare Her To: Marisa Jaret Winokour
Odds: 15-1

Aaron Carter
You Know Him From: Boy bands, rocking the House of Carters
Chances: If he can behave himself long enough and get his act together, the former boy banders usually can follow choreography and win the audience's hearts.
Compare Him To: Drew Lachey
Odds: 5-1

Louie Vito
You Know Him From: Snowboarding, if you know him at all.
Chances: He's young, athletic, and cute. That should bode well in his dancing abilities and the number of votes he'll get from the audience. However, we're still not sure who he is.
Compare Him To: Apolo Anton Ohno
Odds: 5-1

Tucker Carlson was one thing. But Tom DeLay actually wielded power and made the lives of millions of Americans worse by ramming through the Republican Party's agenda and even standing up to George W. Bush's efforts to help poor people. He is a thug and a ghoul masquerading as a clown. This deliberate attempt to debase himself and shrug off what little dignity he ever had—presumably to raise money for his legal defense against charges of conspiracy to violate election laws in Texas—cruelly robs his enemies of the satisfaction of their hatred. Because what more is there to say when the man who was for decades the bloated, red face of the conservative agenda is literally dancing for fucking money on television? God help us.

EW.com reports that Paula's first post-resignation gig will be guest spot on Ugly Betty. She'll play a temp secretary who bonds with ditzy receptionist Amanda, who is basically Paula Abdul in a headset. Before then, she'll guest star on Drop Dead Diva, Lifetime's show about a woman who dies and finds herself without a job on America's most popular TV show, we mean, trapped in the body of a fat lawyer. Anyway, both sound ridiculous.

But the news today is that ABC wants more out of her than a guest starring role. Network head wants her not as a judge, but as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars and possibly with a show all her own. Oh, we can only dream!

Oh, and the New York Times reveals today that Paula left American Idol because of money concerns and because she never felt like she was appreciated. But then again, you knew that already.

The interview in question took place yesterday on Live With Regis and Kelly while Cooper was filling in for Regis Philbin. You have to kind of admire him for cutting to the chase and asking the question that so many wonder but dare never to ask, and then turning around and defending himself with such animated vigor. Then again, he is the son of an octogenarian smut-peddler, so it kind of figures that he'd dive right in and ask about the boning that went on behind the scenes on the show.

But the highlight of the clip may actually be when Harris replies that she kissed ten guys on the show, provoking Cooper to say, "You know what...I just threw up in my mouth a little." Oh come on Andy—really?!

There has long been tension between the White House and the networks, who don't like having their excruciatingly calibrated schedules torn up by politicians for political purposes. So when Obama scheduled a press conference to discuss his health care proposals for 9 p.m. tomorrow night, which would seriously screw up the networks' plans, the networks led by last-place NBC balked, obliging Obama to move it to 8 o'clock. And Fox, like they did for Obama's last primetime presser, just told the White House to fuck off, but that's a different story.

In any case, in describing the programming scramble caused by the press conference, The Hollywood Reporter pretty much sums up why no one watches broadcast TV any more:

The stakes were particularly high for NBC, which airs the most-watched show of the summer, "America's Got Talent," at 9 p.m. This week, the reality hit includes a heavily promoted interview with "Britain's Got Talent" singing sensation Susan Boyle.... ABC News often has the highest-rated coverage of Obama's primetime events and ABC was leaning toward carrying the conference all day. In one respect, the shift to 8 p.m. could make their night more tricky. ABC's highest-rated reality show, "Wipeout," will be pushed to 9 p.m. to face "America's Got Talent" along with "So You Think You Can Dance," with "I Survived a Japanese Game Show" moved to 10 p.m. The ABC News special "Over a Barrel: The Truth About Oil," originally slated for 10 p.m. Wednesday, will air Friday as a special edition of "20/20."

Fox airs its top-rated two-hour "So You Think You Can Dance" on Wednesday nights and will direct viewers to Fox News for the news conference.

That's right, television executives were willing to face down the White House over Susan Boyle and retreads of Japanese game shows where people bathe in squids and razor blades. The last time this happened, when George W. Bush scheduled a presser on the first day of May sweeps in 2005, they forced him to change the start time over CSI, Will & Grace, and The O.C. That's how far they've fallen. In their defense, summer has become the traditional time for vile reality TV. But the fact that NBC essentially told Barack Obama, "We are not going to take your press conference at 9 p.m. because we have to air a deranged foreign lady and amateur vocalist" is a good measure of just how desperate they are.

The solution of course, is to just break up the press conferences with ad slots. It's an engaged, Tivo-proof audience, and there are dozens of brands out there that would love to be associated with Obama. Back in February, his 8 p.m. presser netted NBC 9.75 million viewers—2 million more than stuck around for Heroes an hour later.