Everett said:

The fact is that you could not be, and still cannot be, a 25-year-old homosexual trying to make it in the British film business or the American film business or even the Italian film business. It just doesn't work and you're going to hit a brick wall at some point. You're going to manage to make it roll for a certain amount of time, but at the first sign of failure they'll cut you right off.

He then went on to admit that he's "probably happier" than closeted stars. But who cares about happiness when you could have an awesome career, a huge mansion and a million adoring female fans who you will never, ever sleep with? [Deadline]

•Although she certainly sucks, we now know Nancy Grace is not a vampire: The HLN talking hair will be getting her own daytime talk show starting in 2010. It will be called "justice," because that is what Nancy Grace's success proves does not exist in the world. [THR]

•Paul Thomas Anderson ("There Will Be Blood," "Boogie Nights") is directing an upcoming film starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. "The Master" will be a period drama about a charismatic guy (Hoffman) who sets up a new religion in 1952. Intense. [Variety]

•Dang, Adam Lambert's crotch has legs: Nearly two weeks after Lambert face-humped (that's humping someone's face) his way into America's hearts and/or minds, it looks like the FCC has kept him from performing as scheduled on Jimmy Kimmel Live: "It's the FCC heat," Lambert tweeted by way of explanation. [LAT]

•Your 52nd annual Grammy Nominees for Album of the Year: Beyonce, Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and The Dave Matthews Band (!?). [Variety]

•Brian Moylan's "The Hills" and "The City" recaps will return next season! (Also, the MTV reality shows "The Hills" and "The City" have been picked up for another season.) [Variety]

Like, honestly, this is not what my parents had in mind for me, sussing out this kind of thing. They thought I was going to go to law school. Law school. Now I help explain the nuances of TRANNYPEEGATE. Great. Where do we start on this one? How about here, via Top Idol:

So, this "Trick" person or whatever only has three Tweets. So, it just so happened that the night he opened up his Twitter account, he pissed on Adam Lambert at The Box?

Former Spin columnist and New York musicperson about town Ultragrrrl (this story, it just gets stupider by the word) was in the house. She was witness to the peeceedings:

So if a blogger and a Twittering Transvestite say Adam Lambert got peed on and threw a drink at a transvestite at The Box, did it actually happen? Kind of. The sad, boring denouement, from Adam Lambert himself:

So, he did get peed on, but it wasn't actually pee, though we don't know if he knew that at the time. So, yes, Adam Lambert kinda got peed on by a transvestite at The Box. Related: if there's a single person in America who still thinks Adam Lambert isn't gay, the fourth estate is failing. Miserably. Also, good to know that, after the holidays, "order" has been restored to the internet.

[Top image via Getty.]

An eloquent Lambert said, in an interview somewhat ham-fistedly captioned 'Straight Talk' that the moves had not been part of the rehearsal of the performance and "kind of came from a more impromptu place. ABC was taken a little by surprise." He added that he does see how people got offended, but that his theater background meant that he didn't consider children watching at home. "I'm programmed to see who's in the live audience," he said. "If it had been a female performer doing those things up on the stage I don't think there would be nearly as much outrage." He pointed out that Eminem had boasted of 17 rapes, and that Janet Jackson had grabbed the crotch of one of her dancers, to little comment.

And then came the apology to America moment: "If you had it to do over would you do anything differently?" asked Maggie Rodriguez. "I would sing it a little better."

Watch CBS News Videos Online

According to UNICO National, the new reality show "relies on crude stereotypes and highlights cursing, bad behavior and violence in depicting renters at a New Jersey beach house." Sort of proves the old adage about stereotypes: They put little kernels of truth into an air popper to make delicious, bigoted popcorn. [THR]

•TLC's "Jon & Kate Plus 8" got a big farewell for its last episode ever. 4.3 million people watched the reality television equivalent of a tow truck finally dragging a mangled car out from the quarry into which it had started plummeting nearly three years ago. [NYT]

•GLAAD is SAAD that Adam Lambert wasn't allowed to perform on ABC's "Good Morning America because of his face-humping antics. "Some music performances, regardless of the sexual orientation of the performer, are tailored for a prime time audience but not for a morning show audience," read a statement. (Lambert was booked instead on CBS' "Early Show".) [NYT]

•The revolutionary new, interactive "Avatar" trailer is to regular trailers as a video game is to a movie, except imagine that video game consisted only of being able to click "hot spots" on a picture with your mouse, which plays little movie clips. [The Wrap]

•The TV Guide Channel is showing a documentary on ugly-woman-with-a-pretty-voice Susan Boyle on Dec. 13. Which makes that YouTube video of Susan Boyle singing the first viral video adapted into a made-for-TV documentary. [The Wrap]

•"You can prick your finger but you can't finger your prick...": George Carlin's classic comedy album "Class Clown" is one of 25 recordings being introduced into the Grammy Hall of Fame. Also: The Beach Boys' "California Girls". [LA Times]

We're sorry that this country is so full of homophobic prudes that kissing a guy on stage and simulating oral sex will elicit more than 1,500 complaints and get you kicked off of GMA.

Lambert was scheduled to appear on the show tomorrow—a critical gig, since his album, For Your Entertainment, just came out—but that has been canceled. "Given his controversial American Music Awards performance, we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning," a spokesperson for the show told the NY Times Arts Beat blog.

This is all the gays fault. We did what we always do and we overestimate just how much we are accepted by society. It may seem like apples and oranges (or butches and femmes) but Adam Lambert is just like what happened in California with Prop 8. We thought there was no way that the good people of California could hate gays so much they would vote down gay marriage. Well, we were very wrong.

The same thing happened here. All of the gays were telling Adam, "Keep it real. Get all faggy. You owe it to us, and they'll love you for it." He responded with a performance that was so gay that he shot rainbows out of his eyes and turned Whitney Houston in a unicorn that he rode across the stage and threw Ryan Seacrest on the back of it and they made out for 17 minutes straight. Oops, too gay. Now we've ruined it for Adam and he's going to end up playing piano in a gay bar and dying bitter and alone just like Jobriath.

The worst part about this whole thing is that we have now negated all the progress Lambert made by being an openly gay pop star in the first place. Now when the next very talented flamboyant rocker comes along all his managers and agents (most of them gay) will say, "Oh, you have to stay in the closet. Look what happened when Adam Lambert sashayed on stage at the AMAs. America will hate you."

That said, this isn't the worst thing that could happen to Lambert. He's getting plenty of attention just as his album is coming out—negative or not. The people who were offended by his dry humping were never going to buy the album anyway, and this flap might just give him enough street cred to get some people clicking the download button iTunes. We hate to make the same mistake twice, but maybe getting all nelly was the right move.

Apparently Lambert has been offered a replacement gig on CBS' The Early Show (caution, Perez Hilton link ahoy). Adam if that doesn't work out, you are welcome to perform here at Gawker HQ, and we'll let you get as queer as you wanna be. You can even put pink pancakes on Nick Denton's head. The only thing gayer than that is—well, your performance at the AMAs.

[Images via Getty]

•ABC was flooded with more than 1,500 complaints from parents whose kids turned instantly gay at the sight of Lambert kissing his male keyboardist. The very douche-y Parents Television Council weighed in: "These programs are wholly unsuitable for children now and it's pathetic," said a spokesperson. Meanwhile, Lambert was characteristically blithe about the whole thing: "I had fun, my dancers had fun, the audience... had fun. Anybody else who was watching it and enjoying it, thank you for being entertained." But.. what about the... oh, never mind! [Variety]

•Judd Apatow's production company has picked up three new movies—and only one of them is obviously a bromance! All three were pitched by Aziz Ansari (of Apatow's "Funny People" and NBC's "Parks & Recreation") and Jason Woliner (a member with Ansari in the sketch troupe Human Giant). The two will write at least one of the films, which includes "a road movie about two guys who work for a motivational speaking company." Aziz Anzari is, how do you say, "totally blowing up"? [Variety]

•Buffy creator Joss Whedon has received the Producers Guild of America Vanguard Award for "achievements in new media and technology." But you know what he probably would rather have? Dollhouse not to be canceled. [Deadline]

•Further proof that rich people love singing and dancing: Fox's Glee scores highest among broadcast primetime shows in the "upscale viewers" demo. [The Wrap]

•Obligatory "Twilight" news: FX has acquired the TV rights to the four "Twilight" movies. Says tweens with basic cable: "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" [THR]

•Google continues its quest to catalog all your data: Tivo is partnering with the Big G to help it determine who is watching the ads on their Tivo-'d shows. Do people actually do this!? [THR]

Lambert performed new single For Your Entertainment at last night's American Music Awards. He begins with a Starlight Express-ish croon-a-thon, then grabs a woman by the foot and kicks her in the crotch at 0:43, which is officially the closest Adam Lambert has ever gotten to a vagina. Then he whips a leather daddy who walks on a leash on all fours, and pulls another one into a face fuck at 1:00, which is pretty gay, but I once heard that in some countries the tops aren't even considered gay, really, just opportunists. Lambert's act reminds me of Justin Timberlake ripping off Janet Jackson's bra, a crude and generally thoughtless depiction of male sexual energy.

It's hard to tell whether the audience screams during the face fuck portion are with giddy joy or terror—and isn't that dichotomy just so Glambert?

On a different note: The song (minus the vocal aerobics) and staging are very Britney Spears. I have a sneaking suspicion that the goal for that one tragic VMA performance was something a little like this.

• Last time we heard from Mitch Winehouse, he was talking about daughter Amy's hot new rack. Now he's explaining the real reason for Amy's trip to the hospital last weekend: "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little [points to his chest] leaky something or other." Does that really happen? Brand new breasts just spring a leak? I was always under the impression you had to be skydiving into ice-cold water or boxing Layla Ali to apply enough force to bust one of those open, but then, Wino has always been somewhat impervious to the laws of physics. [Sun]
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• Demi Moore was totes photoshopped on her ragingly hot W cover. [fig.1] But, despite the overwhelming evidence, she's still denying it! [fig.2] Mrs. Ashton Kutcher retweeted several fans' defenses of her weirdly photoshopped hip, cheering "I have no hips!" and "I love the pic and can only say I wish I had good lighting like that following me around all day!! Haha" and "i am in the skinny side lately." [HuffPo]
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• Levi Johnston went to GQ's Men of the Year party and no one gave a crap about him. Apparently Hollywood isn't as into Ricky Hollywood as ol' New York is, probably because their sense of irony is weaker. [HuffPo]
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• Everyone's still mad at Kate Moss for saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" a couple days ago. Now activists are pulling the mommy card, since Moss has a seven-year-old daughter. Moss' modeling agency stands by her, though they are suddenly reminded why the Kate Moss policy was always "look pretty, don't open mouth." [Us]
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• John Kerry has rushed to daughter Alexandra's defense regarding yesterday's DUI arrest, and seems cautiously optimistic about his daughter's fate, since she was under the legal BAC limit and was pulled over for expired tags. TMZ says "it's unlikely prosecutors will file charges," which probably has nothing to do with My Daddy the Senator, but then again, it probably doesn't hurt. [TMZ]
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• Out editor Aaron Hicklin got pissed at Adam Lambert for faking straight too many times, and Lambert is pissed right back. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, the American Idol star says Hicklin "really crossed a line," took statements "out of context," and unfairly pigeonholed him. "Not every gay man is the same gay man," Lambert said. "It's just sexuality." That's right, nobody can take your sexuality away from you, other than marketing executives with big plans for making your album go platinum with teen girls. Anyway, now that we've entered the "critical discourse on the nature of human sexuality" phase of this story, I'm officially jumping ship. Get back to me when you date someone interesting or make a sex tape, Adam. [EW]
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• Tina Fey's nefarious plot to destroy NBC continues. At an Ad Council gala the 30 Rock star joked, "NBC is sadly the fourth-place network; actually, we're in ninth place if you count the radio stations ahead of us right now." The crowd laughed uproariously and as it slowly dawned on a room full of NBC-Universal executives that they might not be in on the joke any more. [P6]
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• For her seventeenth birthday, Miley Cyrus dressed up as Julia Roberts' character from Pretty Woman, A.K.A., a whore. Jesus Christ, Billy Ray, rein in your daughters. [P6]
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• Top fashion model Daul Kim, a 20-year-old from South Korea, was found dead yesterday in her Paris apartment in an apparent suicide. Kim shot video diaries and had a popular blog. Her last post, dated the day before her death, read "say hi to for ever." [P6]
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Figures 1 & 2

First there was his ladytastic shoot for Details and then we called Lambert out for trying to talk about female genitalia in gay magazine Out. Now Aaron Hicklin, the editor of Out, is backing up our stance. In his editor's letter in the upcoming Out 100 issue, according to Towelroad, he writes:

It's only because this cover is a group shot that includes a straight woman that your team would allow you to be photographed at all - albeit with the caveat that we must avoid making you look "too gay."...Getting straight men and women to do Out is easy these days. It gives them cred. Getting gay stars like yourself is another matter. Much easier to stick you in Details, where your homosexuality can be neutralized by having you awkwardly grabbing a woman's breast and saying, "Women are pretty." So are kittens, Adam, but it doesn't mean you have to make out with them.

Um, doesn't Lambert make himself look "too gay" with all that glittery and eyeliner and flamboyance? We agree with Hicklin that it's not Adam trying to keep himself in the closet, but the executives, publicists, and other assorted minders that are managing his career. Even though he didn't publicly come out until after American Idol was over, his orientation was the other big pink elephant on the stage sitting right next to Ryan Seacrest. And millions and millions of Americans still voted for him (even though power gay Michael Musto is regretting his decision). Lambert himself has always seemed very confident being open about who he sleeps with, so why are his managers trying to build a closet around him?

There is no way that any celebrity can make a living off of just a gay fan base—there just aren't enough of us to support a giant megastar. So, conventional wisdom says that in order go go mainstream, an entertainer has to tone down the pink glitter in order to not offend anyone. Does anyone remember Liberace? Or Richard Simmons? Maybe part of Lambert's appeal is that he is a big ol' Mary? Maybe teenage girls and straight women want him to continue being the radical fairy that was introduced on Idol.

The specter of Clay Aiken—the other successful gay Idol—hangs over Lambert's career, because after coming out, Aiken hasn't sold nearly as many CDs as when he was in the closet. The difference is that Aiken always skirted the issue and denied that he was gay, trying to court his rabid fan base of girls that wanted to marry him. Lambert has a different kind of appeal. He's the gay guy that (while girls may crush on him) people want to party with. His appeal goes past an asexual charm because he has talent and showmanship—and who doesn't love their pop songs served up with a little bit of pizazz.

Yes, the gays won't be happy until Lambert stops being photographed with naked women and talking about how he wants to give cunnilingus a whirl, but really, that may be the best thing for his career.

• Lady Gaga and Beyonce made a music video! It's for Beyonce song Video Phone. It alludes to Reservoir Dogs, Beyonce wears a Zorro mask and carries an assault rifle, and Gaga wanders around looking totally normal. All in all: Headtrip. Also, between this and her own video, Gaga's been showing a lot of her very, um, vampy face lately. Is it part of her campaign to convince us that she is a tranny? [fig.1, below] [MTV]
  
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• Nicole Kidman had an awesome time with her baby weight because it gave her boobs: "They're not very big, my boobs, so they just became normal size. I loved it! I felt very Woman," she told Ladies' Home Journal. But here's the thing: ShowBizSpy quotes Nicole's quote in LHJ, but when I went to LJH's website, I couldn't find the passage! It is possible that boring Nicole's boring yammering about Keith Urban caused my eyes to glaze over, rendering me temporarily illiterate during my attempt to read the profile? Does the pregnant-boob quote really exist? Inquiring minds want to know. [ShowBizSpy] [LHJ]
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• Levi Johnston dressed up as the Unabomber after his tragically not-penis-showing Playgirl shoot yesterday, but he messed up the disguise by choosing a hooded sweatshirt that said ALASKA on it. [fig.2] There are only two Alaskans in all of New York this week, and one of them is Sarah Palin, and to be her you'd have to have tits, so we know it's you, Levi, you cannot hide. UPDATE: I am informed that Levi's shirt in fact reads ALASKAN BREWING COMPANY, the beer of choice for rugged Alaskan frontiersmen. [TMZ]
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• Brangelina are designing snake-inspired jewelry for charity. The line—entitled The Protector—features silver baby spoons, an eggcup, a tooth box (eery?), and diamond-encrusted pendants and rings, all themed with coiled snakes. The proceeds will go to child education in wartorn regions, where snakes sometimes reside, but sterling silver eggcups rarely do. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Adam Lambert wants more tattoos, but he doesn't have any ideas what to ink on his body next. It's the perennial conundrum of ostentatiously "unique" vapid people: an insatiable desire to express oneself, but no dust bunnies worth expressing in one's empty little head. [ShowBizSpy]
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• This is horrifying: Tila Tequila (93 lbs, 4'11") has submitted photographs of her black-and-blue bruised arms as evidence in her lawsuit against ex-boyfriend and NFL star Shawne Merriman (280 lbs, 6'4"). Naturally, TMZ has compiled them into a gallery, along with pictures depicting the enormous size difference between these two humans. The San Diego County D.A. never filed criminal charges against Merriman, which makes the whole case even weirder. [TMZ]
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• Spencer Pratt went on a Twitter rampage yesterday after his and wife Heidi Montag's interview with Al Roker was cut from The Today Show "due to a change in the show's schedule," according to a spokesman. Roker and Speidi sparred months ago when Al called Spencer a "jerk" on the air and Heidi almost cried. Among Spencer's myriad raging tweets: "WEATHERMAN I thought you were out of town today getting your stomache stapled again?" and "is it true you have been married 6 times? I'm sure all your wives left you when they realized you were abusive to women! Sicko!" I really hope whoever cut Speidi did it for the express purpose of pissing Spencer off, because the effect was pretty glorious. [NYDN] l
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• Aaron Carter owes more than one million dollars in back taxes, which is apparently why he cried so hard when he got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. How can he possibly owe this much money? There is no way he's even earned that much money in his life, is there? [TMZ]
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• Janet Jackson blames Dr. Conrad Murray for her brother's death, because he "was the one administering" the fatal propofol. She also says she found out about Michael's death after her assistant saw it on CNN and called her, which is testament either to the brutal speed of 24-hour media or the callousness of Jacko's inner circle for not calling his family members sooner. [NYDN]
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• Signs of the apocalypse: Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) says Carrie Prejean should run for political office, because she "has the ability to draw crowds and if she has a strong message to go with that, who knows what she can do? She has star power which can open doors." [TMZ]
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  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

Lambert is one of the annual Out 100, the best, brightest, and biggest in the gay world as chosen by the very queer magazine. While Lambert is very open about his love for the men, it's still thrilling for interviewers to hear him talk, awkwardly, about having sex with women. Check out this quote about the time he tried to go down on a woman:

"It was a little gross because I don't think she was as clean as she could've been. It wasn't the act of it that really turned me off. I don't really remember. I was 18 and I was drunk. Or maybe I was 17... The point of the matter is that I would not rule it out. The idea is intriguing.

We love that you're trying to blur the lines of sexuality, Adam, but you're not especially convincing when you say "Ew gross, it smells like fish!" in one sentence and then, "I'd still hit it," in the next. And you're doing this wearing eyeliner and a bowtie in a magazine that is about as straight as a piece of spaghetti in boiling water. Why not just be happy being a man-loving homo? There's no shame in that. Especially for Out readers who would much rather hear about what Kris Allen looks like in his boxers than about your lady lust.

Speaking of women, it seems like Out may be ending their own inappropriate love affair with women. After having two straight women on the cover for their Out 100 issue in 2006 and 2008, last year they were down to only one (Katy Perry). We have another straight lady on this year's cover, Cyndi Lauper, as well as Wanda Sykes, a real live lesbian! It's great that the two women on the cover this year aren't just some pop tarts who want to sell more records to the gays, but a long-time gay activist and one who had the strength to come out on the national stage after the Prop 8 nightmare in California.

In fact, the list seems gloriously devoid of straight girls and full of actual homosexuals. Other honorees include: director Rob Marshall, "don't ask, don't tell" activist Dan Choi, actor Neil Patrick Harris, Spanish director Pedro Almodovar, recently out Kelly McGillis, Rep. Barney Frank, the transitioning Chaz Bono, and Broadway's Arthur Laurents.

Isn't this just the problem with closeted Details in the first place? It's always been so obviously gay, but at the same time it's like your college roommate who would blast Liza Minnelli and then talk about how he loved fucking his girlfriend who lives in Canada. The mag's closet mentality has even rubbed off on Lambert and they get him to say some really freaky things.

I am gay, but I like kissing women sometimes. Women are pretty. It doesn't mean I'm necessarily sleeping with them.

Yeah, that was really convincing. Adam, why are you going along with this? Say it loud, you're queer and you're proud. And now is not the time to be ashamed.

What is pretty shameful is the press release announcing his cover story. It says the American Idol runner up talks about "getting bras thrown at him onstage, kissing gorgeous women, and living the American dream." Yes, being a gay man making out with a woman really is the American dream—if you're a member of Exodus and trying to convince yourself you're straight.

And just check out the awkward photo shoot.

In order to get Lambert to make out with the model, they gave her jockstrap flavored lip gloss, which our man is now trying to devour. This is possibly the first men's magazine shoot where the male and female models are wearing matching nail polish.
This pose is so awkward that it has never been found in nature or heterosexual lovemaking ever in the history of the world. It shows Adam Lambert doesn't even know where the vagina lives. "Is it over here? No. Is it over here? No."
Lambert stares off into the distance at a monitor playing scenes from College Dudes 24/7. He needs to keep his motivation up, because in a minute, they're going to make him touch that yucky girl again.
Here is the cover. Adam looks pouty. That is the usual reaction when mean magazine editors make gay guys spend a whole day touching boobs.

• Jon Gosselin isn't an absentee father, you guys! No! He's doing what any good dad of eight would do, and hitting up Foxwoods Casino to try to bring eight babies home the bacon. 2:1 odds on him sucking at life like this for a while to come. [Page Six]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson, like Parker Lewis, can't lose. Or so goes the "rumor" being purported on Showbiz Spy: the guy just doesn't fuck up, and also, he keeps Kristen Stewart ridiculously happy and less crazy-brooding these days. Which is great! Until they breakup, at which point, all hell will break lose, speaking of bloodsucking. That's going to be the gossip headline for weeks, sigh, and yes: we will comply. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• And speaking of hell breaking loose: Twilight's Emo Vampire Deity Stephenie Meyer, publishing's version of a golden goose shitting out wonderful large, golden, bloodsucking teenage sexuality inspiring (or repressing) eggs, while the rest of the publishers and agents sit around being like DADDEH I WANT A GOLDEN GOOSE, is getting sued by someone claiming she stole a bunch of ideas from a novel posted online, and put them in a Twilight book. Oh noez! Maybe Meyer will sick a bunch of dreamy teenage vampires on her. Seriously. Just send Robert "The Closer" Pattinson over there to work this one out. He can't lose. [NYDN]
  
  
• R & B songstress Mya, then. R & B songstress Mya, circa 2009: going on Dancing With The Stars, wants to go to space. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's a picture of someone holding a fan up to Jennifer Aniston's face. It is as hynotizing and pleasing as it sounds. [WWTDD]
  
  
• The Possibly Penis-Concealing Lady Gaga went blah blah again, this time, talking about how she wants to do every member of Take That! at the same time, which, she correctly counts, would be a fivesome. On that note, Robbie Williams has more talent in one testicle than Lady Gaga's most brilliant output thus far, whatever that is. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Is the not-penis-concealing Penelope Cruz preggers with the probably-penis-having Javier Bardem's child? Probably! [NYDN]
  
  
• Ugh. Roger Avery - writer-director of Killing Zoe, the Rules of Attraction film adaptation, and a credited writer on a little film called Pulp Fiction - plead guilty to manslaughter for the fatal DWI accident last January in Ojai that injured his wife and killed a friend visiting from Italy. He'll be sentenced next month. [NYDN]
  
  
• Billy Bush - yes, that one - is pushing press line of wanting another Carrie Prejean Incident to take place at the upcoming Miss Universe pageant. Billy wants to capitalize on lifelong beauty queens finally getting to speak their minds on camera and then making ridiculous noises about "opposite marriage" on live TV. He might be onto something: there could be money to be extracted from the subset of people who experience life the way one would in a Dr. Suess novel, sans whimsy. Really, I'm more the Caitlin Upton type because I personally believe that beauty queens are allowed to be entitled to things such as, maps, which are of the topographical nature, because, there are other U.S. Americans, such as the President, who have ways to tell time, and in Iraq, and Antartica, there are penguins, and they know where Panama Beach is, and we all should, too. Thank you. [NYDN]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere is dating Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton, who Lindsay Lohan once blew by a pool. Ewwww. Anyway, Page Six had to squeeze in a 'Pink Taco' reference, because that's how they roll. We will comply. [Page Six]
  
  
• What does American Idol star Adam Lambert do when someone throws a dildo at him on stage? He does what any other warm-blooded American Idol would do! He...kicks it back at the audience? Schwah? You know how sometimes you hear the term "results may vary" but you generally ignore it because as far as you're concerned the results do not ever really vary? This is one of those times when they do. [Celebrity Spy]
  
  
• Huzzah. Freaky-thumbed walking slutty Halloween costume Meagan Fox will host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. I think they should bring back Mr. Peepers and have her play him. Just saying. [Showbiz Spy]

• Kelly Bensimon got dissed by Gerard Butler after the two exchanged phone numbers in June "after a night of heavy flirting." He apparently never called her and avoided her when he ran into her again recently. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Adam Lambert's fans have taken idolatry to a new level at some of his live shows by tossing sex toys on stage while he was performing. [EOnline]
  
  
• Surprise, surprise — Joan Rivers isn't a fan of Jon Gosselin, whom she says should have worn a condom more often. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ashley Olsen says that she's surprised that she didn't "end up like Britney Spears." Oh, but there's still time darling, there's still plenty of time. Don't stop dreaming! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Dustin Lance Black is suing the website that posted x-rated photos of him recently, asking for $3-million in damages. [Page Six]
  
  
• Griffin O'Neal says that his father Ryan O'Neal supplied him with cocaine when he was only 11 years old. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's what James Caan says about women in a recent interview: "They're fucking nuts." Remember, this is James Caan saying this ladies, umkay?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Elle Macpherson's shitty acting skills are the primary reason Mischa Barton still has a job after being institutionalized with a breakdown last month. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• So you know how some of Madonna's early 90s faxed love letters to a bouncer were recently made public? Well, it appears as though she may have plagiarized from poet Anne Sexton in one of them. [Page Six]
  
  
• A singer named Jill Sobule says that Katy Perry is a "fucking thieving little slut" because she feels that Perry ripped "I Kissed a Girl" from her. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller says that she understands why people might hate her after she started dating a married father of four. [Daily Mail]

And here you were probably thinking all along that straight men only wanted to beat up any gay man occupying the same room with them out of fear that they might get their genitals grazed by a gay hand that has touched the genitals of other men—You are so wrong! The times, they are a changing people!

As America's openly gay minority becomes more visibly interwoven into society - a 2007 poll by the Pew Research Center found that 4 out of 10 respondents had a close friend or family member who was a gay man or a lesbian - the straight world becomes more aware of the gay world. Although male friends of opposite orientations can face formidable obstacles - sexuality, language, peer pressure, inequality - there seems to be more mutual appreciation and common ground.

The Times cites the friendship between American Idol finalists Kris Allen and Adam Lambert as an example of how some straight men are capable of actually acting like evolved human beings when exposed to overwhelming gayness.

"I'm flattered, and I think it's hilarious," Kris Allen told People.com recently, responding to the news that his former roommate and runner-up on "American Idol," Adam Lambert, had a crush on him.

Mr. Lambert, who favors black eyeliner and leather pants, had told Rolling Stone that Mr. Allen, an aw-shucks Christian from Arkansas, was "the one guy that I found attractive in the whole group on the show - nice, nonchalant, pretty and totally my type - except that he has a wife."

Mr. Allen's cool, self-assured response to being the object of his gay roommate's affection doesn't exactly qualify him as a civil rights hero, not at a time when straight men march against Proposition 8 in California and the most anticipated gay-themed film of the year, "Brüno," is coming from a straight (if highly waxed) comedian.

But do give him credit for overcoming one of the most common deal-killers in friendships between straight and gay men: the awkward crush.

Wow. Maybe Allen and Lambert can do a duet that does for gays and straights what Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder did for blacks and whites with "Ebony and Ivory?" They can title it "Bubba and Fabian" or something.

So this is like, a cool, trendy thing now? I had no idea! Thanks for educating this ass-backwards straight New York Times. Now, with that said, I wonder what Richard Lawson is doing later in the week? Maybe he and I can, oh, I don't know, get frozen drinks with little umbrellas in them and talk about baseball?

Happy Gay Pride Day everybody!

I Love You, Man (as a Friend) [New York Times]

Growing Generations is a leading surrogacy firm that unites happy new families "regardless of marital status or sexual orientation." Which, considering NPH and his lover live in California, is a good thing.

Update: Ha, oops, no they're not.

So congrats to them. In other funny (not in a ha ha way) gay news from the Left Coast, Adam Lambert—the jingle-jangle, sparkle-twangle American Idol runner up who also happens to be gay—was named one of People magazine's hottest bachelors, which he thinks is silly. We think it's silly too because, in a state where it's now constitutionally illegal for gay men and women to get married, how could an openly gay fellow ever not be a bachelor? Lambert'll be a hottest bachelor til he gets old and withers and dies and poofs into glitter and smoke and all that's left is a few gold records and a solid silver piano. And that just doesn't seem fair, does it?

Anyway.

Image via Getty

It's great that he's out and unabashed about it. Well, at least unabashed about it now. And whether or not he was under contract from the Idol people to be tacit about his boning preferences, he still could have said something. But he didn't! Because, he didn't want to be like his lame gay Idol enemy Clay Aiken. He told our best friend Vanessa Grigoriadis:

Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, ‘I'm going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler. I didn't want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context.

Wait, what's that? In the context of still rock 'n roll badass publication... Rolling Stone? Sigh. But anyway, we're way too mean to him, aren't we? Foisting the weight of a movement on his bewinged shoulders and all. Lambs doesn't want that. He just wants to sing:

I'm trying to be a singer, not a civil rights leader.

Oh, don't worry. No one thought otherwise, bubbe.

Anyway, he also reveals that he decided to do Idol while high on drugs at Burning Man. Because, somehow, he figured the show would be the only way to be "taken seriously." Hah.

Anyway. Congrats everyone!

Because, you know, as a movement, the gays are poised somewhat precariously right now. On the one hand, there's the uptick of states that have decided, finally, to invite everyone to the prom and allow gay marriage. And on the other hand, there's what happened in California and monsters like these—signs of an anti-movement that seems only to get stronger and angrier and crazier as the days and the fight wear on. So where are we, and what do we need? Is it a movie like Bruno which, again based on the little we know already, creates and amps up situations of extreme homophobia to cast light on the ridiculousness of the whole thing? Well, as always, the answer is both yes and no.

Yes because in an email-blast style of thinking, the more things we throw at the wall, the more that are likely to stick. If ten yukking teenage boys go to see the movie and four emerge thinking "Hey, maybe it is really dumb to dislike people just 'cause they're gay," then that's four minds changed. Sure the six others still remain, but it's a step in the right, weary direction for the war of attrition. That Sacha Baron Cohen, the man behind the hotpants, does play fast and loose and over-the-top with stereotypes is just the sort of agitprop tool that effective satire has to use, right? Something subtle and ruminative won't, by and large, have the same impact as gay kissing at an Arkansas cage match. If visibility is the name of the game, then Bruno should be considered an ally. A loud and ludicrous ally, for sure, but a valid one nonetheless.

But there's also an argument to be made that the Bruno character isn't so much debunking the stereotypes and peccadilloes of Gay People as it is just making it easier, more appropriate, codified almost, for people to laugh at them. Doesn't a movie like Bruno kind of, for those who want to see it that way, reinforce an idea that gay men are silly, frivolous, outrageous mincers who are vain and shallow at best and sex-crazed and oblivious at worst? Sure "we" (the liberal elite, the frippering coastals) get it, but there's no lesson guide handed out when you buy the ticket. Same as some people complained that Borat came, in its hyperbole, half circle and ended up being antisemitic, Bruno could be viewed as a benediction to those most rigid in their prejudices that, yes, they were right all along about those homosexuals. And if that's the case, then I'd say we really don't need another satire that only "we" get. Not right now. (And yes, I realize it's completely condescending and self-important to assume that there's a "we" who get it and a "them" who don't, but we do and there are. And a big blimpy summer comedy probably won't do much to muddy those distinctions.)

I guess, in a big over-thinking kinda way, that's the problem of gaydom in popular culture in a nutshell. How much is too much? Is there any such thing as too much? In the place of American Pie (at its core nothing more than a paean and prayer to hetero sex) should we take Bruno—a movie that, sure, makes fun of the gays but it also celebrates them, doesn't it? In lieu of Justin Timberlake (singing about ladies, bragging about doing ladies), should we humbly accept Adam Lambert—a guy who's basically gay but has so far refused to admit it—because we know that he's gay and it's important that he's gay, but also he shouldn't have to say he's gay because it should be, somewhere down the road, a non-issue? To the first instance I'd say yes, because a comedy about a gay guy should be funny. Because, you know, it's a comedy. Gays don't need to be painted as sad little saints just to win hearts and minds to the cause. Bruno don't care who knows he gay, and that's the whole point.

In the second example... Well, I got raked over the coals by the commenters for saying that, no, we shouldn't put up with Adam Lambert's reticence. Or rather, we should tolerate it, but not be happy about it. Because in this day and age... in this time when everything against us hinges on a widespread act of othering and segregating, the best thing anyone can do is openly be themselves and admit who they are (i.e. say it, because saying it does matter) without seeming to indicate for any one second that there's something to be ashamed of or worried about. Because playing to the machine means being part of the machine, which only makes it stronger.*

When Bruno comes out (heh), I hope everyone makes a point of saying that the film IS about homophobia, that it IS about tearing down walls. I'm sure everyone will, because it'll be the gay story of the gay summer. And I hope it does something. Because sexuality isn't a "non-issue" as so many commenters told me it was. For lots of us, it's the issue. Not because we want it to be or tried to make it so. Oddly, those who want the gay conversation silenced are the ones that really got it going. So I think, yeah. We should be glad that someone like Bruno has jumped in, pink rhinestone megaphone in hand, to preach his message of love, tolerance, and balls.

*Please go see "Outrage".