• OMG smoking gun: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are hugging and holding hands and putting their faces close together and everything! It's nearly almost practically lesbian kissing, and thus proof that they are girlfriends in that way. [Egotastic] (Photo via Egotastic)
• Yesterday it was reported that singer Amy Winehouse "fled her home, claiming ghosts were trying to harm her." Today the ghosts kept her from showing up on time to accept a prestigious songwriting award for her tune "Love Is A Losing Game." Wait, I think I know this ghost — kind of smoky, likes to hang around glass?
• Hooker-loving actor Charlie Sheen is — go figure! — having a very nasty divorce from Denise Richards, and yesterday he and his friends spread word about the $52,000 per month in tax-free child support Richards gets from Sheen, plus a disputed email in which she asked for access to Sheen's sperm. Today Richards fired back with a purported text message from Sheen: "I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore." [P6]
• Tom Cruise had his lawyers threaten a baby boutique owner for supposedly leaking to the press false info that Cruise and wife Katie Holmes spent upwards of $350,000 on baby clothes for Suri in just two years. That money was specifically earmarked for stuck-thetan dry cleaning, and Cruise has the receipts to prove it! [TMZ]
• Can Miley Cyrus ever say no when asked to pose for racy photos? This time it was fellow teen star Nick Jonas who did the asking, and Annie Leibovitz hadn't even put her under hypnosis yet. [Oceanup]
• The woman who voices Lisa Simpson filed for divorce from her husband. E! Online wrote that the divorce came "despite having all the answers on The Simpsons," while TMZ decided to go with "Lisa Has A Cow."

• Actress Cate Blanchett had her third son, Ignatius Martin, with husband Andrew Upton. Ignatius was born in Sydney. [People]
• Britney Spears rear-ended someone on the freeway and proceeded to dinner. The singer's ex, Adnan Ghalib, got stabbed and returned home from the hospital.
• Sting paid $27 million for his second apartment on Central Park West. The singer's new place is on the 16th floor of 15 CPW. [P6]
• Pete Doherty gets his own cell and a special mattress in jail after missing repeated drug tests. The other prisoners are pissed because they have to earn those privileges, but the junkie singer gets them for being famous. [Sun]
• According to Alicia Keys, the U.S. government invented gangsta rap to get black people to kill each other [Sun]

• It's been so long since actress Winona Ryder stole anything that she's not up on the latest anti-theft technology. A drug store employee said she tried to steal makeup, via her purse, and was caught by the stupid door alarm thing and made to give it back. Wait, people actually stop for those alarms? I am always just waved through. But then my photo isn't taped up in every retail establishment in Los Angeles. [Daily Mail]
• Comedian Pauly Shore: "White people are screwed. Especially in my industry, they’re screwed." [P6]
• Hillary Clinton endorsed Heather Mills, Beatles Paul McCartney's ex wife, on Mills' website. The video is six years old, and the Brits wonder if perhaps Hillary has not come to hate Mills as much as they have in the meantime. [Daily Mail]
• On South Park, singer Britney Spears' cartoon doppelganger will blast her head off with a shotgun and then be photographed to death. [Showbiz Spy]
• Singer Britney Spears' ex Adnan Ghalib was cheating on her for two months with a waitress/model 15 years his junior. Now the waitress says she had no idea about him and Spears and would never steal anyone's boyfriend. It's not like it would get her interviews and tons of free publicity or anything. [Showbiz Spy]
• Actress Tori Spelling is going to have a baby girl to go with her son and pink-scarfed little dog. [People]
• OMG Madonna didn't wear her wedding ring last week. Her marriage is clearly doomed. [Mail]
• The whole thing with movie stars Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson getting back together is definitely happening. [P6]

• Singer Britney Spears reunited with desperate paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, who she had ditched after finding incriminating text chats with another girl on his iPhone. Just prior to taking Ghalib back, Spears was photographed bumping her head, hard. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, as Spears surely likes to say.
• Spears faces two separate court-ordered shrink sessions in May to determine her level of crazy. In the meantime she gets an allowance of $1,500 per week, all she has to do is "a small legitimate project" that consists of showing up for a cameo on the TV show How I Met Your Mother.
• Singer Courtney Love offered more advice to Spears, this time in the form of the world's least credible therapist referral.
• When she wasn't giving advice, Love was filing a complaint with the police alleging that $69 million was embezzled from her through the theft of dead husband Kurt Cobain's social security number. The Nirvana frontman's good name was used to buy a New Jersey mansion just last year, Love said, and to open a bunch of credit cards. She's not sure the cops are taking her seriously but talked about it on YouTube so judge for yourself.
• McNulty from the Wire, aka actor Dominic West, went to a Russian-owned New York strip club and got a "special lap dance" from one girl while another "nibbled at his ear." Which, as it turns out, is fairly close to a scene from an episode the Wire, but presumably without the cops busting in at the end. [P6]
• After somehow managing to flag and obtain a taxi, Amy Winehouse arrived home to discover she didn't have enough to pay the cabbie, so a selfless paparazzo who had been stalking her stepped in to pay the difference. Awww. [P6]
• Actress Angelina Jolie's lovely baby hump is bigger than ever, probably because it has been feeding on Jennifer Aniston's pain. [P6]
• Former KISS bassist and notorious sex tape star Gene Simmons bawled "his eyes out" when his daughter walked on a catwalk for a modeling gig, then he shaved his head. No amount of salt water or shaving can ever make him clean, of course.
• A VH1 comedian tried to make a joke about a passenger revolt while he was at the airport, and madcap fascism ensued, since air travel must continue to suck for the rest of our lives, or freedom will die. [P6]
• Heroes star Hayden Panettiere... something about underage drinking... I'm sorry was I saying something? Her picture distracted me, a little. [P6]
• The lesbian daughter of the guy who used to run Yahoo, Terry Semel, is totally dragging Lindsay Lohan down. [P6]

• Jennifer Lopez turned to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for advice on her baby twins, probably after being introduce by close Lopez buddy and crazy Scientologist Leah Remini. So singer Lopez now has a masseuse and trained color therapist specifically for the kids, six new bodyguards for $600,000 and closed-circuit cameras in every room. Also, for that extra touch of crazy, Lopez built a "sterile" baby wing uncontaminated by flowers or presents, filled with relaxing music and painted in "intelligence boosting" colors.
• Adnan Ghalib, the former Britney Spears boyfriend who just had an iPhone-destroying fight with the singer, has allegedly moved on to a new squeeze. She is a Los Angeles waitress, pictured in the Sun, whose name "Amanda Pagel" is even less important to you than Ghalib's just became. [Sun]
• Spears' parents are scaring her, which is probably a good thing because they somehow got her notice that large piles of her cash are on fire. She got still more time with her sons.
• In Paris, singer Amy Winehouse's fans surprise everyone with their "nasty" rowdiness, which included breaking bottles, probably to stab each other with. Winehouse, meanwhile, said she would like to play your wedding or Bat Mitzvah. Actually, even Winehouse admitted she'll probably ruin your wedding, and not just by hogging all the drugs. [Sun]
• More sexy Angelina Jolie St. John's ads. [Sun]
• California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger flew all the way to Ohio to "accidentally" bump in to Democratic presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, but they never showed up at the "Arnold Sports Convention" convened in his honor. So Schwarzenegger rudely stormed out of his hotel as his thugs screamed at hotel guests. [P6]
• After laudably donating $1 million to a United Nations food program, actress Drew Barrymore told TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey about how medicine doesn't work unless you are alive: "Food is the basis for everything... I didn’t understand that in order to take the AIDS vaccination medicine you have to have the food in order for your system to handle the medicine.” Stunned by this wisdom, Cameron Diaz called in to Oprah right that second and said, "I'm so proud of you Drew for doing this and informing people." Everyone cried, but not all for the same reason. [Showbiz Spy]

• Apple's miraculous iPhone has exponentially increased the productivity of scuzzballs like sometime Britney Spears boyfriend Adnan Ghalib. Though paparazzo Ghalib has his hands full shopping for pregnancy tests with singer Spears, getting uppity with his former coworkers and maybe cutting exploitive photo deals, the iPhone allowed him to also have internet sexytime chats with other women. Britney found the messages and threw Ghalib's iPhone in a pool, then threw the pap out of her house. He wrote a stupid note offering her "milky soup."
• Rather than take Spears to a psychiatric ward and have LAPD escorts and a paparazzi motorcade shut down traffic, the shrinks now come directly to Spears' house, at least for scheduled checkups. Sensible. [OK!]
• There was an entire car full of security guys just to follow around Spears as she drove her car for the first time in a while. Spears tooled "around aimlessly for hours between Malibu, Beverly Hills and every luxury hotel, Starbucks and fast-food joint in-between."
• A former FBI agent revealed that Mick Jagger was almost killed 40 years ago in an amphibious assassination attempt involving a boatload of Hells Angels whose boat capsized halfway through the attempt. Also terrifying: Singer Carly Simon was halfway through an alleged "affair" with Jagger when a call from Jagger's jealous wife Bianca drove her further into the arms of singer James Taylor.
• J. Lo named her new twins Max and Emme, probably after some kind of show about dragons. Also, her hospital security detail managed not to kill anyone, as far as the public knows, but the entire rest of the maternity ward hates J. Lo's guts.
• Comedian Rosie O'Donnell's most precious item, other than her secret Britney Spears doll, is "my Mac." [Ask Ro]
• Actress Ashley Olsen, or maybe Mary-Kate, is wearing the worst kinds of dead animals in Paris. [Perez]
• British Prince Harry says he is "no hero" upon his return from military service in Afghanistan and probably wishes he could have stayed and continued to flirt with this one female pilot he was keen on.
• Madonna threatens to adopt another baby from the terrified nation of Malawi. [Showbiz Spy]
• Heath Ledger's green 1975 VW van, now stolen, was outfitted with "mass vehicle upgrades" helping bring the total value up to $70,000. [TMZ]
• Diddy finally goes bi. [TMZ]

[TMZ, ET]

• After an inept or simply evil psychiatrist unleashed Britney Spears on an unsuspecting world, she made her way through crowds of scummy paparazzi to her scummy paparazzi companion, on-again-off-again manipulator Adnan Ghalib, who promptly took her to lawyers who can claw her giant pile of money back from her parents and, presumably, just set it on fire and be done with things.
• Britney's parents turned to the only person they could trust, Anderson Cooper, to explain to the world the astounding notion that Britney should probably be back in the psych hospital and probably should never have been released. [TMZ]
• X17 runs a story headlined 'Britney Flashes Us!," by which they meant, "Britney Sits In Her Car Trying To Make A Phone Call While We Press Our Camera To The Window For A Nice Thigh Shot." [X17]
• Britney allegedly says she left the hospital to get everything "back to normal." Curtain, scene. [X17]
• Kirsten Dunst checks into rehab drunk. And crying. In other words, appropriately. [ShowBizSpy]
• The Hills star Brody Jenner "snapped his fingers and said to his crew, 'I'm out!' They all followed instructions and promptly ran after him like a pack of trained dogs." [P6]
• Tommy Hilfiger engaged to his model girlfriend, who he met within a year of the end of his last marriage. [P6]
• Woody Allen makes one movie where Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz have lesbian sex, and another with Larry David.

In 1998, in The Truman Show, an insurance adjuster played by Jim Carrey discovered that his life was a television show; his every move monitored by cameras; every person in his life a performer, and his world a gigantic soundstage. The movie was a parable, inspired by reality television, but taking the early model of the mediated life to its outrageous conclusion. No longer so outrageous. Here, pictured, is a text message from Britney Spears' confidante, Sam Lufti, telling her exploitative paparazzo boyfriend to disappear. "If you continue to have any contact, you'll kill her." Of course, the exchange, just like the troubled popstar changing out of her dancing gear or weeping on her bed, was played out in front of the cameras. The Truman Show no longer works as satire; reality has caught up with the conceit. There is a difference, however. Truman Burbank was the dupe, unaware of his role in the show. By contrast, the central character in this tawdry soap, Britney Spears, is complicit. If anybody's the dupe, it's the audience, half-suspecting that, as in this picture, Adnan Ghalib is tilting his iPhone toward the camera, but preferring to believe that this is an authentic drama to which the viewer has sneaked access.