• Something about Mickey Rourke, we have no idea what, makes crazy women want to sex and marry him. First it was area lunatic Bai Ling, now it's some Russian model/actress named Irson Kudikova. She claims that the two are dating and going to marry and then they will have space motorcycle ruble babies and it will forever rain hats and matchsticks and the Tsars will return, glorious. [P6]
• Frankie Delgado, that little skunk snake who slither-pawed around The Hills for awhile, is trying to use battered and bruised singer Rihanna for his own wicked devices. After they were spotted chatting at some drafty LA scene spot, he fed tabloids lies about Ri dancing on tables and stuff. He also said that he's secretly in the CIA and that his dad is away on secret spy assignment in the "Mibble East," not just living in Los Feliz with that lady Wendy who smells like pine needles, like his mean older brother told him. [P6]
• A crazy drunken lady was yelled at by Ricky Martin after she stumbled up to him at a Miami nightclub and repeatedly and loudly requested that he "shake [his] bon bon." Eventually Ricky and his (all male!) pack of friends moved over to the other side of the bar. In related news, your mom had a great vacation. She met Ricky Martin! [NYDN]
• Save the Children, a charitable organization whose mission is unclear, has issued a very, very important statement saying that the Madonna-witch, a nefarious pile of sticks and hair stuffed into a jumpsuit, ought not to make off with adopt another child from Malawi. Currently the calcium deposit wearing a hat has its eye on a poor innocent tyke ironically named Mercy. Save the Children says "it doesn't help to take one child out of an orphanage to a huge palace and buy them a pony." And they're right. If by "huge palace" they mean "crumbling cottage in the deepest, darkest wood" and by "buy them a pony" they mean "pluck out their eyeballs and grind them into sausage." [NYDN]
• Speaking of baby snatching, ugly old woman Giselle Bundchen has claimed that the child of her husband, noted American hero Tom Brady, is "100% mine." She says she gets that the kid like already has a momz and all (poor scorned she-devil Bridget Moynahan), but it doesn't matter. She thinks of the foundling as hers. At press time, a group of ten or so men, upon hearing the news, were camped outside the supermodel's West Village apartment, wearing diapers and oversized bonnets, shaking rattles. [VF]
• Like a revisionist production of Romeo & Juliet set in a deep fryer, pop Lusitania Britney Spears is being kept apart from her true love, paparazzo Adnan Ghalib. Reportedly Britney's dad (and legal caretaker) found a letter, written by Spears, saying "My dad can't keep us apart if I have a baby with you." Luckily for everyone involved the "stamp" was just a "Date Due By" stamp Spears had absentmindedly taken from the library and the envelope was addressed to "Ex Boyfriend, A road somewhere, In the next few days or so." Early reports are also coming in that the return address was simply a crudely-drawn picture of a cat playing Nintendo. [Showbiz Spy]
• Her plan worked. Nadya Suleman is said to be finally getting some attention from her separated-at-astral-birth soul-sister Angelina Jolie. The actress may be considering sending some money to the tabloid star mother of fourteen. When Suleman heard the news, she was apparently so excited she threw a baby out the window, shrieked for awhile, set the house on fire, and fell over dead. So, problem solved! Nice work, Jolie. [Showbiz Spy]

• Ashlee Simpson is tired of staying home with Baby Bronx while husband Pete Wentz goes out and parties constantly. These aren't the evenings she'd imagined with the Fall Out Boy bassist; nights of sculpture, harpsichord serenades and hushed readings from the New York Review of Books. Hell, he doesn't even want to boff in front of the mirror any more, much less discuss Chaucer. [P6]
  
• Elizabeth Arden, which has sold Elizabeth Taylor's various fragrance lines, is supposedly trying to arrange memorial ads for the 77-year old actress. On the cheap, since nothing screams "luxury branding" like "pre-death bereavement rates." [P6]
  Jennifer Aniston never would have exploited her relationship with John Mayer for publicity if she'd know she was being used for sex. [Scoop]
• At least two of the pediatric nurses provided free to Nadya Suleman said Octo-Mom is just a terrible mother, mugging for cameras while she ignores some children (cared for by nannies) for 12-hour stretches in a chaotic madhouse with insufficient security. Also, one of her nannies might have tuberculosis. Otherwise, all's well. [People]
• Under the court-ordered supervision of her father, Britney Spears isn't supposed to contact her tricky paparazzo ex Adnan Ghalib, so she sneaks him text messages. He's been ordered by a judge not to communicate with Spears for three years, so he can't write back, but instead has to make small talk with her hairdressers, and hope they'll mention something to her. A thoroughly modern relationship, in other words. [Sun]
• When sweaty Juliette Lewis forgets the lyrics to "YMCA" — seriously? — she tries to distract everyone with an on-stage makeout. [P6]

1. Just how many girls does Britney know who have shaved their head? When asked by an overly solicitous, never-seen interviewer why she had gone to Tarzana to shave her head, Britney began what would become her usual pattern: instead of giving the obvious answer (typically, "Dude, drugs"), she uttered an even weirder non-answer. "People shave their heads every day," she explained. Yes, but women typically don't, unless they're Sinead O'Connor, or they have crash-landed on a lice-infested prison planet with an alien in tow. Instead of rebutting her, the interviewer asked, "Why didn't you tell anyone you were going to do it?" as though Brit-Brit had placed it in her appointment book five weeks prior. We think they all found out about it PDQ, homes!

2. Really? No mention of Sam Lutfi or Adnan Ghalib? The documentary effectively made constant attention from the paparazzi seem both terrifying and awful. So, you know, why did Britney date one? Alas, in this special produced by her manager, she never once uttered the names of Adnan Ghalib and her sedative-dispensing Svengali, Sam Lutfi. Even K-Fed barely rated, earning only one actual mention.

3. Where was Britney's mom, Lynne Spears? Though Britney's father figured heavily into the documentary, cooking his daughter cheese grits and patiently enduring her never-ending slams of him (while thinking, "She's my cash cow. Don't talk back!"), mama Lynne was nowhere to be seen. Was she taking care of a similarly M.I.A. Jamie Lynn, or was the special taped during her "How I Fucked Up My Kids" book tour?

4. What was up with Madonna's face? Late in the documentary, Madonna appeared to subtly woo Britney into a better, more spiritual, more Kabbalah-friendly-if-that's-what-you're-into-and-I-can-give-you-the-books way of life. Sadly, we were too distracted by the Material Girl's face, which appeared to be coated with a lower-jaw CG mist not sighted since Kim Catrall swanned her way through the Sex and the City movie.

5. Did Britney don a beret and then pronounce it "buh-rette"? As tickled as we were by what appeared to be an unwitting, on-camera homage to the famous "Ver-sayce" line from Showgirls, a second viewing reminded us that Britney was probably drawling a command to her assistant, Brett. Narrowly avoided, Spears. We'll meet again.

• Heather Locklear's DUI bust? Called in by an ex-Us Weekly staffer who now runs a paparazzi agency. She watched Locklear get into the car, then snapped pictures as she was taking her sobriety test. TMZ paid her more than $27,000 for the shots. And, uh, for ensuring road safety or whatever. [Scoop]
• Lauren Conrad's flack said the reason her clothes are clogging up store racks is because they are selling so incredibly well. Same with the buy-one-get-one-free offer. [P6]
• Mary-Kate Olsen's flakey artist boyfriend doesn't get along with Ashley Olsen's much more blue collar boyfriend, whose occupations is "famous movie star." Such enormous differences to overcome with these four! [Star]
• Lindsay Lohan is presently feeling interested in headbands and human child adoption. [The London Paper]
• Britney Spears visited some kids in the Bronx and looked cleaned up and sane. Apparently getting that way involved banning her cousin and former assistant Alli Sims from her entire life.
• Adnan Ghalib said there is no sex tape with him and Spears, and he's going to sue someone to prove it. [Sun]

"There is no sex tape," Adnan tells Star exclusively, "and I've never claimed there is one."

Adnan says he's prepared to take legal action over the false claims attributed to him. The original story quoted Adnan talking about his intention to sell a two-hour tape he made with Britney in Mexico last January. The tape was said to show a naked Britney writhing around on a bed wearing just her famous pink wig.

"I don't know where these quotes I'm supposed to have said have come from," says Adnan. "What I do know is they certainly didn't come from me and they are completely false. I'm extremely upset and distressed and I'm taking legal action... This story has caused a lot of hurt to my family and people close to me."

"There is no sex tape," he continues. "That is the end of the matter."

Silly Adnan, there will never be any end to this matter. The Britney Spears sex tape story is one that will live on to the end of time, with sightings scattered from the wilds of the Midwest to the bustling street scene of Tokyo, each a hoaxer with a grainy mini-DV camera, a pink wig, and a whole lot of dreams.

[Photo Credit: WENN]

• Exclusive: Britney's Ex: "There's No Sex Tape" [Star]

Part 1: How Pamela Anderson Ruined Sex
You may remember, especially you craven young men, that in 1998 Playboy posette and Baywatch star Pamela Anderson was filmed by her new husband, Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, while they did the nasty on some sort of houseboat. Her iconic status at the time, combined with the sheer amazement over Lee's substantial manhood, created what was really the first modern sex tape craze. Perpetuated by the newly discovered internet, the tape became an international phenomenon. It's not just that everyone heard of it, everyone saw it, too. Both Anderson and Lee still enjoy some strange mutation of fame, though they've long since separated and gotten back together and separated again and gotten back together again, etc. What this tape really did, aside from aid these two people, was ruin sex by finally and viscerally commodifying it. Sure there has always been pornography, but this was something different. Famous people who were not hardcore porn actors, but regular (albeit frequently nude on Pam's part) celebrities. Famous people, however (un)intentionally, caught while engaging in the most basic and carnal animal harmony. And now, without the nuisance of seeming like a hooker or a porn star who entered into the act with the intention of making money, one's lovemaking could at some point turn a profit. And the public was both more interested in and more perilously desensitized to the whole idea. Some fourth wall cracked and crumbled that day, opening a hole through which slithered a whole different dimension's worth neo-celebrities.

Part 2: How Paris Hilton Ruined Celebrity
Encouraged no doubt by the crazy zeitgest of the Anderson/Lee tape, budding socialite and headline-grabber Paris Hilton recorded her sex-making with famous dater-of-trashy-celebrities Rick Salomon. It was first leaked, in 2004, onto the internet by (public opinion seems to hold) Mr. Salomon and Hilton initially tried to block it from being released. But, you know, then she saw that it was popular and said 'fuck it' and agreed to its release and now makes money off of the tape, which was eventually titled One Night in Paris. And that, really, was that. Hilton was, yes, already sorta famous, but this sent her into an entirely new strata of celebrity. Suddenly she was the infamous darling of late night jokesters and burgeoning gossip bloggers. Her name was even co-opted by Mario Lavandeira, who assumed the identity Perez Hilton to start his odious gossip rag in 2005. And that's where the already-rickety wheels of the celebrity-industrial complex began to spin off and clatter down the mine shaft ahead of us. An entirely new set of rules about how famous people are made and what keeps people famous and Why We Care was beginning to form, all because Hilton seemed to be becoming one of the most famous people in America simply because she wore pink clothes and let some grody guy from Neptune, New Jersey fuck her with the nightvision on. She possessed no discernible talent other than the uncanny ability to make people, against their better judgment, pay attention. She rewrote the manual, and many other people would follow.

Part 3: How Kim Kardashian Ruined America
And then came Kim Kardashian, whose mother is married to athlete Bruce Jenner or something. She had a large butt and was dating Ray J, the little brother of former celebrity Brandy. She and Ray J boffed in like 2007, I think, and the tape was released. And oh my god. Kim was so freaking mad that she sued the company, Vivid Entertainment, that released the tape. Eventually she dropped the lawsuit and settled for a measly ol' five million dollars. And then. And then she became famous. She was on red carpets and people talked about her and she embarrassed herself on The View (just like a real celebrity!) and she got her own reality show and somehow helped make her even less interesting sisters sort-of-famous, too. Where Paris Hilton developed a coy relationship with magazine creations of this bleak new millennium like Us Weekly and InTouch, teasing things at them to keep everyone interested, Kardashian just barnstorms through things, ass-bellowing and demanding attention for the stupidest of events and occurrences, flaunting the fact that, to paraphrase Soup host and possible savior of pop culture Joel McHale, she is famous simply for having a big butt and a sex tape. So how does this large-caboosed blip on the radar get blamed for the ruination of these United States? Well, maybe she and her sex tape didn't necessarily ruin it themselves, but they do represent everything that is wrong and broken and bankrupt and ill of this "uh oh, everyone put your goggles on!" experiment. Kardashian's success proves that Hilton's new rules do, in fact, work in some inexplicable way. And, more importantly, the whole boondoggle suggests that many of us care (even if we're doing it ironically, we're still paying attention) as much, if not more, about the frivolous self-exploitation of a stranger's body as we do about fractious and dangerous political landscapes, about holes we've torn in the very fabric of the sky, about people dying from all imaginable kinds of neglect. Nah, we're too busy watching Access Hollywood scream at us that Kardashian cut her toe in a New York City hotel room (this was an actual top story) to pay attention to the fact that the rug, upon which they (and we) are fucking for the camera, is being pulled out from under our sweaty, writhing, desperate selves.

So let this Britney tape—the Holy of Holies, the culmination of all things—sing us sweet tidings of eternal rapture. Or damnation. Or whatever. I just can't watch any more promos for Dancing With the Sex Tape Stars.

ADNAN GHALIB, the British pap whom she dated during her breakdown, says he WILL sell the tape for the right price.

He told Heat magazine: "There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries.

"Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further."

An unconfirmed source claims the two-hour X-rated footage features Britney naked wearing just a pink wig and was allegedly shot in Mexico.

Adnan added: “I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney."

Well, how kind of him! We supposed it's hard to be shocked by Ghalib's betrayal, given that it's his job to sell footage of celebrities in incriminating positions, but we do wonder what's taken him so long to put the tape on the market. Was Ghalib waiting for Spears to mount a proper comeback, or was his possible attempt to blackmail the singer met with one Cheeto-stained middle finger?

[Photo Credit: WENN]

• Adnan: I have Britney sex tape [The Sun]

• OMG smoking gun: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are hugging and holding hands and putting their faces close together and everything! It's nearly almost practically lesbian kissing, and thus proof that they are girlfriends in that way. [Egotastic] (Photo via Egotastic)
• Yesterday it was reported that singer Amy Winehouse "fled her home, claiming ghosts were trying to harm her." Today the ghosts kept her from showing up on time to accept a prestigious songwriting award for her tune "Love Is A Losing Game." Wait, I think I know this ghost — kind of smoky, likes to hang around glass?
• Hooker-loving actor Charlie Sheen is — go figure! — having a very nasty divorce from Denise Richards, and yesterday he and his friends spread word about the $52,000 per month in tax-free child support Richards gets from Sheen, plus a disputed email in which she asked for access to Sheen's sperm. Today Richards fired back with a purported text message from Sheen: "I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore." [P6]
• Tom Cruise had his lawyers threaten a baby boutique owner for supposedly leaking to the press false info that Cruise and wife Katie Holmes spent upwards of $350,000 on baby clothes for Suri in just two years. That money was specifically earmarked for stuck-thetan dry cleaning, and Cruise has the receipts to prove it! [TMZ]
• Can Miley Cyrus ever say no when asked to pose for racy photos? This time it was fellow teen star Nick Jonas who did the asking, and Annie Leibovitz hadn't even put her under hypnosis yet. [Oceanup]
• The woman who voices Lisa Simpson filed for divorce from her husband. E! Online wrote that the divorce came "despite having all the answers on The Simpsons," while TMZ decided to go with "Lisa Has A Cow."

Most sex tape rumors involving Britney Spears are either too good to be true (Colin Farrell!) or too gross to convince us to want to see them at all (K. Fed). But the latest story from the tabloids is filled with details so plausible (especially considering the then-manic Package's mental state) that we’re not so sure it’s just another fairy tale. As the National Enquirer is reporting (again, don’t judge a supermarket tab’s creds by its cheap cover):

[Adnan Ghalib] is shopping around a sex tape that was filmed during their trip January trip to Mexico...[the tape] will go down as the highest selling porn tape of all time, out selling even Paris Hilton's.

So what could Britney possibly do in the bedroom to top her fellow Bimbo Summit member’s green-eyed appearance in nightmare-vision? The eerily realistic details after the jump.

As a source who claims to have seen the tape tells the tab, "the video starts with Britney undressing...She was wearing some cheap clothes that she bought down there. The sex wasn't particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout." Well, the image of Britney in that pink wig she favored during her American Tragedy days doesn't do much to entice us, but we do find it highly believable that sex with Spears just wouldn't be all that "kinky." We've seen her manhandle props like umbrellas before and it was neither graceful nor hot. But the kicker comes after Spears allegedly performs a striptease for Adnan, removing all her clothes save for the technicolor bob: "Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, 'Take what off? There's nothing left to take off.'" And thank goodness for that. However horrific Paris appeared as a nocturnal sex nymph in her tape, nothing puts the sails down like bald sex.

• IS ADNAN SHOPPING A BRITNEY SPEARS SEX TAPE? [Splash News]

• Actress Cate Blanchett had her third son, Ignatius Martin, with husband Andrew Upton. Ignatius was born in Sydney. [People]
• Britney Spears rear-ended someone on the freeway and proceeded to dinner. The singer's ex, Adnan Ghalib, got stabbed and returned home from the hospital.
• Sting paid $27 million for his second apartment on Central Park West. The singer's new place is on the 16th floor of 15 CPW. [P6]
• Pete Doherty gets his own cell and a special mattress in jail after missing repeated drug tests. The other prisoners are pissed because they have to earn those privileges, but the junkie singer gets them for being famous. [Sun]
• According to Alicia Keys, the U.S. government invented gangsta rap to get black people to kill each other [Sun]

• It's been so long since actress Winona Ryder stole anything that she's not up on the latest anti-theft technology. A drug store employee said she tried to steal makeup, via her purse, and was caught by the stupid door alarm thing and made to give it back. Wait, people actually stop for those alarms? I am always just waved through. But then my photo isn't taped up in every retail establishment in Los Angeles. [Daily Mail]
• Comedian Pauly Shore: "White people are screwed. Especially in my industry, they’re screwed." [P6]
• Hillary Clinton endorsed Heather Mills, Beatles Paul McCartney's ex wife, on Mills' website. The video is six years old, and the Brits wonder if perhaps Hillary has not come to hate Mills as much as they have in the meantime. [Daily Mail]
• On South Park, singer Britney Spears' cartoon doppelganger will blast her head off with a shotgun and then be photographed to death. [Showbiz Spy]
• Singer Britney Spears' ex Adnan Ghalib was cheating on her for two months with a waitress/model 15 years his junior. Now the waitress says she had no idea about him and Spears and would never steal anyone's boyfriend. It's not like it would get her interviews and tons of free publicity or anything. [Showbiz Spy]
• Actress Tori Spelling is going to have a baby girl to go with her son and pink-scarfed little dog. [People]
• OMG Madonna didn't wear her wedding ring last week. Her marriage is clearly doomed. [Mail]
• The whole thing with movie stars Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson getting back together is definitely happening. [P6]

• Singer Britney Spears reunited with desperate paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, who she had ditched after finding incriminating text chats with another girl on his iPhone. Just prior to taking Ghalib back, Spears was photographed bumping her head, hard. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, as Spears surely likes to say.
• Spears faces two separate court-ordered shrink sessions in May to determine her level of crazy. In the meantime she gets an allowance of $1,500 per week, all she has to do is "a small legitimate project" that consists of showing up for a cameo on the TV show How I Met Your Mother.
• Singer Courtney Love offered more advice to Spears, this time in the form of the world's least credible therapist referral.
• When she wasn't giving advice, Love was filing a complaint with the police alleging that $69 million was embezzled from her through the theft of dead husband Kurt Cobain's social security number. The Nirvana frontman's good name was used to buy a New Jersey mansion just last year, Love said, and to open a bunch of credit cards. She's not sure the cops are taking her seriously but talked about it on YouTube so judge for yourself.
• McNulty from the Wire, aka actor Dominic West, went to a Russian-owned New York strip club and got a "special lap dance" from one girl while another "nibbled at his ear." Which, as it turns out, is fairly close to a scene from an episode the Wire, but presumably without the cops busting in at the end. [P6]
• After somehow managing to flag and obtain a taxi, Amy Winehouse arrived home to discover she didn't have enough to pay the cabbie, so a selfless paparazzo who had been stalking her stepped in to pay the difference. Awww. [P6]
• Actress Angelina Jolie's lovely baby hump is bigger than ever, probably because it has been feeding on Jennifer Aniston's pain. [P6]
• Former KISS bassist and notorious sex tape star Gene Simmons bawled "his eyes out" when his daughter walked on a catwalk for a modeling gig, then he shaved his head. No amount of salt water or shaving can ever make him clean, of course.
• A VH1 comedian tried to make a joke about a passenger revolt while he was at the airport, and madcap fascism ensued, since air travel must continue to suck for the rest of our lives, or freedom will die. [P6]
• Heroes star Hayden Panettiere... something about underage drinking... I'm sorry was I saying something? Her picture distracted me, a little. [P6]
• The lesbian daughter of the guy who used to run Yahoo, Terry Semel, is totally dragging Lindsay Lohan down. [P6]

• Jennifer Lopez turned to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for advice on her baby twins, probably after being introduce by close Lopez buddy and crazy Scientologist Leah Remini. So singer Lopez now has a masseuse and trained color therapist specifically for the kids, six new bodyguards for $600,000 and closed-circuit cameras in every room. Also, for that extra touch of crazy, Lopez built a "sterile" baby wing uncontaminated by flowers or presents, filled with relaxing music and painted in "intelligence boosting" colors.
• Adnan Ghalib, the former Britney Spears boyfriend who just had an iPhone-destroying fight with the singer, has allegedly moved on to a new squeeze. She is a Los Angeles waitress, pictured in the Sun, whose name "Amanda Pagel" is even less important to you than Ghalib's just became. [Sun]
• Spears' parents are scaring her, which is probably a good thing because they somehow got her notice that large piles of her cash are on fire. She got still more time with her sons.
• In Paris, singer Amy Winehouse's fans surprise everyone with their "nasty" rowdiness, which included breaking bottles, probably to stab each other with. Winehouse, meanwhile, said she would like to play your wedding or Bat Mitzvah. Actually, even Winehouse admitted she'll probably ruin your wedding, and not just by hogging all the drugs. [Sun]
• More sexy Angelina Jolie St. John's ads. [Sun]
• California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger flew all the way to Ohio to "accidentally" bump in to Democratic presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, but they never showed up at the "Arnold Sports Convention" convened in his honor. So Schwarzenegger rudely stormed out of his hotel as his thugs screamed at hotel guests. [P6]
• After laudably donating $1 million to a United Nations food program, actress Drew Barrymore told TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey about how medicine doesn't work unless you are alive: "Food is the basis for everything... I didn’t understand that in order to take the AIDS vaccination medicine you have to have the food in order for your system to handle the medicine.” Stunned by this wisdom, Cameron Diaz called in to Oprah right that second and said, "I'm so proud of you Drew for doing this and informing people." Everyone cried, but not all for the same reason. [Showbiz Spy]

Adnan's presumably tear-drenched note is pictured here, courtesy of The Sun:

As far as we can tell, the note reads: "Britney Bebe I really miss you, lots and lots and lots,. Cant Wait til you come home to a milky bowl of soup. Love You always. [Testicular-shaped heart] Adnan." Which is really the sweetest "I'm sorry I cheated" letter we've read since that time our 7th grade kissing buddy told us he liked feeling us up lots and lots and lots and would have a bowl full of Alphabet Soup waiting for us in the cafeteria during recess. (Seriously, what is this guy, 35 going on 3? Stop! The! Insanity!)

[Photo Credit: The Sun]

• ANGRY BRITNEY SPEARS THROWS ADNAN GHALIB'S IPHONE INTO POOL [The Sun]

• Apple's miraculous iPhone has exponentially increased the productivity of scuzzballs like sometime Britney Spears boyfriend Adnan Ghalib. Though paparazzo Ghalib has his hands full shopping for pregnancy tests with singer Spears, getting uppity with his former coworkers and maybe cutting exploitive photo deals, the iPhone allowed him to also have internet sexytime chats with other women. Britney found the messages and threw Ghalib's iPhone in a pool, then threw the pap out of her house. He wrote a stupid note offering her "milky soup."
• Rather than take Spears to a psychiatric ward and have LAPD escorts and a paparazzi motorcade shut down traffic, the shrinks now come directly to Spears' house, at least for scheduled checkups. Sensible. [OK!]
• There was an entire car full of security guys just to follow around Spears as she drove her car for the first time in a while. Spears tooled "around aimlessly for hours between Malibu, Beverly Hills and every luxury hotel, Starbucks and fast-food joint in-between."
• A former FBI agent revealed that Mick Jagger was almost killed 40 years ago in an amphibious assassination attempt involving a boatload of Hells Angels whose boat capsized halfway through the attempt. Also terrifying: Singer Carly Simon was halfway through an alleged "affair" with Jagger when a call from Jagger's jealous wife Bianca drove her further into the arms of singer James Taylor.
• J. Lo named her new twins Max and Emme, probably after some kind of show about dragons. Also, her hospital security detail managed not to kill anyone, as far as the public knows, but the entire rest of the maternity ward hates J. Lo's guts.
• Comedian Rosie O'Donnell's most precious item, other than her secret Britney Spears doll, is "my Mac." [Ask Ro]
• Actress Ashley Olsen, or maybe Mary-Kate, is wearing the worst kinds of dead animals in Paris. [Perez]
• British Prince Harry says he is "no hero" upon his return from military service in Afghanistan and probably wishes he could have stayed and continued to flirt with this one female pilot he was keen on.
• Madonna threatens to adopt another baby from the terrified nation of Malawi. [Showbiz Spy]
• Heath Ledger's green 1975 VW van, now stolen, was outfitted with "mass vehicle upgrades" helping bring the total value up to $70,000. [TMZ]
• Diddy finally goes bi. [TMZ]

For one thing, Britney sporting a minor bloat anywhere near her uterus is neither a confirmation of pregnancy nor what anyone with a sane mind would consider to be "news." Rather, that's just how her body looks these days (besides, after having two children and losing a very public battle with Cheeto addiction, who can blame her?). Additionally, just about everything coming out of her camp of late seems to have very little to do with anything resembling the truth. That rubbish about her getting married to Adnan in a secret ceremony in Mexico? No dice. Brit sending her driver to buy meth in a dark alley? No evidence. So congratulations, Star! You've got yourselves an explosive cover story with the believability quotient of the late, great Weekly World News' Batboy coverage. Best of luck to you with your upcoming "Britney Impregnated At Area 51" exclusive!

• EXCLUSIVE: ADNAN: BRITNEY'S HAVING MY BABY! [Star]