Gawker
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advice
Ruth Madoff's Guide to Redemption
Lost in the glee over Bernie Madoff's prison sentence is this: What will become of poor Ruth Madoff? She's stalked by paparazzi; rejected by landlords; and left with a mere $2.5 million. Here, Dear Ruth, is your road to redemption.
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Comment by newsnun: Anyone consider that maybe she didn't know what he was doing? Most families need copious amounts denial and repression. How... 4 Responses | Other threads
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advice
Recent J-School Grad Cries to Cary Tennis
Salon's Cary Tennis is a clinically insane advice columnist. Lately he's been hearing from recent graduates whining about the job market (Remember the Harvard grad who couldn't hold a fast-food gig?) Today it's an ice cream-slingling J-school grad. More »
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Comment by anibundel: Does it mean I'm officially over 30 that my reaction to this letter was "suck it up and get a... 6 Responses | Other threads
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advice
Naming NYC's Parks For
New York City, which is broke, of course, is selling off naming rights for its city parks. For mere millions! Using sociogeographical insight and imaginary marketing expertise, we have compiled a list of exactly who should buy these rights for a half-dozen parks. Read it and argue: More »Fun andProfit -
Kari ferrell
The Hipster Grifter is now fodder for Mom-blog advice columns. Truly, she has arrived.
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butt buddies
Notes to a Young Christian Gay Porn Star
John Gechter, the gay porn power bottom from a Christian college, is moving to New York. And now some helpful gay has written him a letter to help ease his transition. It's wonderful! And horrifying. More »
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Comment by iplaudius: And these are the reasons why I threw in the gay towel. Not for me. Women do not make you... 16 Responses | Other threads
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higher learning
Oprah Advises Grads: Get a Private Jet, Losers
American Poultry Queen Oprah Winfrey gave the commencement address to the starry-eyed, chickenless graduates of Duke University yesterday. Her message to them: I really love my private jet! More »
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Comment by HiredGoons: In all fairness, she did build her Ompire from the ground up. I don't listen to her advice, buy the... 8 Responses | Other threads
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advice
Sad Young Literary Man Seeks Advice From Cary Tennis
Today's question for incomprehensible Salon advice-giver Cary Tennis comes from someone who writes "I am 25 AND I HAVE A HARVARD DEGREE!" So what is the problem? More »
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By PareeneComment by fwah-mawvaze: Harsh, yo. This dude has a huge pile of ish. Luxuriating in self-pity and a miffed sense of offended entitlement (while... 18 Responses | Other threads
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videuhoh
Jim Cramer Friday Freakout!
Haha, maniac stockpicker Jim Cramer will not stand for some "rational" investment guy demeaning Cramer's failed stockpicking ways right on his own network. Instead he'll just break into the man's interview, ranting and shouting! More »
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Comment by ADismalScience: The biggest problem with index funds? They're relentlessly positive. They don't short, they don't liquidate stagnant positions, and... 13 Responses | Other threads
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cary tennis
'My Favorite Part is Where he Says he's Mildly Attracted to his Cousin.'
Cary Tennis: "I like to try new things. It means that often I do not finish old things. I have another thing wrong with me, too. Sometimes I don't like to try new things." What? More »
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Comment by hallsoats: I rather of enjoy the fact that Cary is consistently batshit insane. It's the kind of comforting constant I... 4 Responses | Other threads
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advice
In This Economy, Is It Wrong to Spend Money?
Salon's Cary Tennis and Slate's Prudence both hand out advice. Today, they happened to answer the same letter from a guy conflicted about spending his inheritance from grandma. Let's compare and contrast their responses. More »
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Comment by skahammer: Team Deep Dive. I continue to insist that with his approach to the advice column, Cary Tennis is at least... 4 Responses | Other threads
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advice
The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
Now that the Somali Pirates have been decisively...killed, their fellow pirates are vowing to "retaliate." Oh geez. Hey guys, pirates—you're going about this the wrong way. Follow this friendly advice, before you're all destroyed:
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Comment by BxgrlJeri: Attention world: Don't fuck with the Obama administration. He doesn't say much. No big GWB chest thumping and megaphone announcements. He... 14 Responses | Other threads
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magazines
The Michelle Obama Cover Guide
The magazine industry had sincere, desperate hopes that Michelle Obama could be the next Princess Di, moving copies automatically with her smile. Not gonna happen. But following these simple Michelle Magazine Cover Rules can help: More » -
get rich quick
Mark Penn: Either Buy or Sell Right Now
Oh. Damn. Microtrend-spotting evil flack Mark Penn has struck upon the way to get rich. And he reveals it today, in his microtrend column! Totally. Ironclad. Moneymaking. This is why he's much wealthier than you: More »
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Comment by Mount_Prion: "Truly amazing that this man is paid money for whatever it is he does." Penn's damn good at looking coy. I... 3 Responses | Other threads
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advice
How to Handle a Media Sex Scandal
Last month, news broke of a rumored affair between Michael Wolff and a younger employee. A week later, rumors came out about CNN's Jeff Toobin having an affair. Now, all is quiet. Technique is everything: More »
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Comment by FormerEnglishMajor: Isn't Toobin going to have some news being birthed any minute now? 2 Responses | Other threads
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Old Favorites
"Dear [crazy Salon advice-giver] Cary [Tennis], I am a college journalism professor." Guaranteed winner.
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Out-of-Context news
'It Would Certainly Inflict Pain'
"What about the physical effects of hot-sauce-laced sperm in a woman's vagina?...if thousands or millions of totally uninformed young men go around putting hot sauce in condoms, who is to blame?" [Cary Tennis, naturally]
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Comment by AKAuser: If the hot sauce is in the condom, how does it get into the vagina? 9 Responses | Other threads
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cary tennis
Looking For Advice in All the Wrong Places
Some prolix young woman wants to know, "How do I stop being a know-it-all?" But this poor, foolish girl went looking for answers from Salon's cheese-and-nutball advice columnist Cary Tennis. A professional know-it-all! More »
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Comment by Carmine A Ramdeer: I've tried Jezebel's advice column a few times but their answer to everything is to cut off the guy's weenie... 10 Responses | Other threads
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crazies
Facebook Friends: 'A Monumental Decision'
Quiz: Some people you knew back in your hometown send you friend requests on Facebook. You don't really like them. Do you A) accept requests, B) deny requests, C) have an existential crisis? More »
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Comment by berbar: I accept the request and after a day, I proceed to delete such "friend". 8 Responses | Other threads
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updates
Sarah Palin Is Not Following Our Advice
After election day, we gave Sarah Palin a simple five-step plan for her future success. But today, she continues to spend her time insulting bloggers and SNL. Time for an advice update. Listen, Sarah: More » -
george w. bush
How We Will Learn to Love George W. Bush
Only 50 more days of President George W. Bush. So many feelings, right? ABC has released the transcript of a Charlie Gibson sit-down interview airing tonight, and it must be said that our current president was, and remains, a very stupid man. For example, he blames the current recession on "a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in president." But now is a time to look forward. Is there a future for the man who wrecked our nation and the world? Yes, and his stupidity is what makes it work. Take our advice and prosper, George; here are the five keys to the revival of your image:
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Comment by loliver35: I wonder how it feels to: (1) be thought of as an idiot(2) be responsible for all "bad stuff" (can't think... 16 Responses | Other threads
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ashley dupre
Ashley Dupre, Your MySpace Friends Will Lead You To Ruin
After we went to all the trouble of offering Spitzer hooker Ashley Dupre seven—seven!—different career choices yesterday, what does she do? She goes and tells Diane Sawyer, "I want to go after my music and do what I love. And not lose track of who I am on the way. I'm trying to pursue my music. I'm still living for it. I'm not gonna give up my dream. I'm not going to change. I'm not going to let this change who I am. And what I love." All of those short declarative sentences do not change the fact that your song "All We Want" is just the sort of generic R&B bullshit blathering that has already largely destroyed our nation's airwaves. We say this as a friend! Regrettably, Ashley is listening to her other friends: her MySpace friends. Like Whitney Houston, and "Fin" from Williamsburg:
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Comment by GirlyWhirl: I LOVE that James thanks her for being a "fist friend". I bet. 7 Responses | Other threads
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ashley alexandra dupre
Seven Careers For Ashley Dupre
Let's do the math here: Ashley Alexandra Dupre, America's most famous hooker, hits the news in March when her fortuitous association with Eliot Spitzer becomes public. Except for some vague second-hand insinuations that she wants a record contract, she doesn't make any real career moves until now, when she decides to do her first interviews with the press. We're pretty sure that she's been getting advice—but are her advisers looking out for her interests as much as we, the gossip bloggers, are? Doubtful. We've put together a complete guide to career options for Ashley—or any woman who finds herself famous after a sex scandal—after the jump. Simply select one and go, Ashley: More »
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Comment by Helman: How about this? Change your last name, finish school, and become an architct. 24 Responses | Other threads
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Neel Kashkari
Neel Kashkari's Failure To Communicate
Neel Kashkari, where has your steely-eyed charm gone? When the Ferrari-loving young Republican banker took on the post as our nation's new Head of All Money, we had such high hopes for him. His eagle-like visage commanded respect; his brash overconfidence meant he was destined for greatness. But yesterday the markets tanked after his first big speech, and now the media is grumbling about his performance. Neel, what's wrong? Allow us to help, my rich bald friend. More »
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Comment by ADismalScience: I giggled at the third bit. But really, what do you want from the man? I know that Gawker is... 6 Responses | Other threads
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nate silver
How Nate Silver Can Rule The World
The world belongs to Nate Silver! Briefly. Silver, the number-crunching baseball stat geek who decided to become a political poll-cruncher in his spare time and only turned out to be the most freakishly accurate election predictor ever, is now the toast of the media, Obamaphiles, and stat nerds alike. The Times has even weighed in now, several months behind the curve! Now is your chance to capitalize, Nate; screw this up and you'll soon return to the depths of nerd-only notoriety. After the jump, our professional advice to Nate about building his entire future in five easy steps—five being a number that statistics show gets a lot of page views!: More »
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Comment by Aaron Altman: That Inseam Just Screams "You're In My House Now" 7 Responses | Other threads
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sarah palin
What Should Sarah Palin Do Now? A Five-Step Guide.
¡Que lastima, Sarah Palin! Is this the end for the heroic Alaskan everywoman, who came out of nowhere to bravely humiliate herself on the national stage in one brief flash of incomprehensible fuck-upitude? No, liberals, no. And why don't you all stop lying: you crave more Sarah Palin. She is the political equivalent of hate sex. But it's obvious now that Palin's future isn't in politics; a (winning) presidential run in 2012 is a pipe dream. Her future is in the media! She can barely speak English, but fellas sure do like to hear her anyhow. With that in mind, we present—free of charge, in the spirit of unity—the simple five-step plan for Sarah Palin's upcoming national stardom:
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Comment by BookishLookish: Sarah Palin, that gunn, u r holdin it rong 14 Responses | Other threads
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career guide
A Career Guide for the Human Campaign Prop
Presidential elections aren't just about the candidates; they're about all the random crazy people only tangentially related to the candidates and their campaigns, the ones who are hyped into momentary superstardom by political reporters desperate for storylines. Or by the candidates themselves, desperate to deflect attention. The question for these random people is, how to capitalize on this brief and undeserved moment of fame? Joe the Plumber is determined to become a country music star! And he's just one of multitudes. We're here to help, fame whores! After the jump, we tell the incidental stars of this godforsaken election cycle what they should do with their lives after November 4, so that they may not be forgotten: More »
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Comment by llamalash★: Joe the Plumber fails to realize more than just the fleetingness of his fame. (did I just make up a... 21 Responses | Other threads
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michael phelps
Michael Phelps And The Nerdy Endorsement Trap
Dolphin-like Olympic champ Michael Phelps is like that dude in the poem who has come to two roads that diverge in the woods. Except Michael Phelps has far more money at stake than that guy. Now that Phelps has won the races and gripped the strippers, his full-time job is endorsing products in return for sweet cash, the nectar of life. Even his mom is in on it! But Phelps is already screwing up. Now is when you determine whether you're the next Tiger Woods or the next [obscure swimmer], Mike. We're here to help, for a small cut.
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Comment by JessicaLovejoy: Laughing, riding, cornholing!: Any idea how much it'd cost per minute to keep him silently standing in this? I'll pass the hat around. 7 Responses | Other threads
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suze orman
Don't Give This Woman A Nickel
Suze Orman is, essentially, a hustler. It's not that she necessarily gives bad advice—it's that she sells the idea that anyone needs Suze Orman to give them advice in the first place. Here's an example: the strongly-haired CNBC personality wrote a book called Women and Money. You know what women need to know about money? The exact same stuff that men need to know. Stuff which is primarily available for free, on the internet. Like "don't spend money on books full of facts available for free elsewhere." Unfortunately, Americans are more seduced than ever before by Suze Orman's steely gaze. She's not your friend! More »
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Comment by HowardRoarkLaughed: And really, why shouldn't you trust your money to someone with a degree in Social Work from the Univ. of... 4 Responses | Other threads
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advice
Now That She's Divorcing, What's To Become Of Madonna Louise Ciccone?
Now that the cat has tumbled mewling out of the divorce bag and she's begun saying nasty things about her husband in public, pop icon (popcon?) Madonna is at a metaphorical crossroads. Where do you go once you've escaped suburban Detroit banality, conquered the grimy 1980's New York City club scene, become a music and fashion superstar, attempted acting in movies and Broadway plays, borne approximately 143 reinvention comebacks from your be-hot-panted loins, settled down with a film director husband and cobbled together a hodgepodge of children, become a fitness-obsessed British lady, written children's books, directed your own film, worked your arms into clobbering, veiny horror shows, and then suddenly the happy quiet marriage dissolves and you're free to be yourself again? What's a material girl to do? We'll offer some suggestions after the jump.
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Comment by PandoraSpocks: If she lived in California she could go to law school. 9 Responses | Other threads
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jim cramer
Jim Cramer Begs America To Abandon Hope
Whoa, Jim Cramer has fully turned around as much as a man can possibly turn around! The shouty CNBC (poor) stock picker—who as recently as last November was trumpeting "10 Reasons to Be Bullish" ("1. The stock market is cheap")—went on the Today show this morning to virtually beg Americans to pull all the money they might need in the next five years out of the stock market, no matter what the cost. He looks like he's about to cry. This will be one of the defining moments in the media narrative of our nation's impending financial doom. Click to watch an emotional money man embrace his inner Bear.
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Comment by ADismalScience: What's that they say? When the MSM finally, finally seems scared shitless, that's when it turns around? Echoes of "The... 4 Responses | Other threads
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pot psychology
Top Model Alums Give Advice On Sex (Animal And Otherwise)
For this very special episode of Pot Psychology, two former America's Next Top Model contestants join me and Rich in helping to solve readers' problems with an herbal remedy. (What will Tyra think!?) Lauren and Amis (whose real name is Amy, but was changed because there was already an Amy in the cast) from Cycle 10 help us tackle topics like bestiality, porn, and cougars. Got a burning question? Send it to potpsych@jezebel.com. (Please keep them short; they're verrrry hard to read when stoned.) [Jezebel] -
advice
Hip Heebs
That trend story on 'heebsters' that you're pitching: remember that New York is full of young Jewish writers and one of them has doubtless gotten there first.
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By Nick DentonComment by hypocriteoath: gotta love a post about an article about other articles that are about trends. I like my news at least... 3 Responses | Other threads
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Convenient Truths
The WSJ Acknowledges Existence of Global Warming…With Style Advice
Do you ever wonder how to dress for the coming clima(c)tic apocalypse? Fear not. This week, WSJ fashion reporter Teri Agins answered urgent questions from fashion-minded readers. More »
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Comment by BookishLookish: Well, since we no longer have four seasons in New York City--spring seems to have gone away, what with winter... 4 Responses | Other threads
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bonnie fuller
Bonnie Fuller Knows A Few Things About This Palin Situation
"Having been the editor-in-chief of teen magazine YM for five years, and now as the mother of a 17-year-old girl myself, there are a few things I know." What does that sentence tell you? That's right, it's time to hear another one of former Star editor Bonnie Fuller's unique screeds comparing the Presidential race to various moments in celebrity history! Here is why Sarah Palin is just like Lynne Spears: More »
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Comment by rosaluxembourgeoise: You could totally be an editor, Hamilton. 1 Responses | Other threads
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tough love
An Open Letter To The Princess Of Princeton
Yesterday some kid named "Stephany" born in the nineties wrote a Facebook message to fellow members of Princeton Class of 2012, and now we have her picture. (There's another after the jump!) Inspired by its imagery (ripped condoms! bloody lips!) but also by its flawed underlying assumption that anyone gives a shit where you went to college, we crafted our own letter, to all the young people who ever went to college, as part of what we plan to make a regular feature, Tough Love.
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By MoeComment by Drunken Economist: *sigh* No wonder this wasn't tagged 'Stephany Xu'.. and hence buried. It's TLDR fodder. C'mon, this is the *worst thing*... more » | Other threads
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cary tennis
"Should I tell my boyfriend's wife about our affair?"
Cary Tennis, professional adviser: "Right now I'm just thinking stuff and don't know why. What I'm thinking is, hell, yes, you should tell her. I don't know why and I don't really even care why, it's just what I think." [Salon]
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Comment by MercuryPDX: You're going to be all messed up emotionally about this but try to resist the drama. The very same drama she's... more » | Other threads
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olympics
Gawker's Complete Guide To Covering The Olympics
It goes without saying that we will not be in Beijing to cover the Olympics. Furthermore, we've never been to Beijing, and our Olympic experience is limited to one pair of first-round tickets to see the Dream Team crush Kyrgyzstan or somebody in Atlanta in 1996. None of this precludes us from rounding up all of the information on the Internet in order to tell the media that actually is covering the Olympics in Beijing how to do its job. So listen up! Don't be just another sap writing about Michael Phelps while being beaten by Chinese police. After the jump, the only guide to covering the wondrous 2008 Olympics you will ever need:
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Comment by TheBirdForYou: Listen, since our gov't can no longer guarantee us a certain number of medals ( no cold war to keep... more » | Other threads
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ronn torossian
Succeed In Business The Incompetent Superflack Way
When we're feeling masochistic, we like to peruse the blog of incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian. It's his own forum for speaking to you, the consumer, without having to go through the filter of a biased media outlet like this one. So in the spirit of fairness and education, we're bringing you five of the 5WPR CEO's thoughts on how to become a successful entrepreneur—all in that inimitable Ronn style. At the end, we submit a bonus tip of our own! Read and learn from a self-made success story: More »
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Comment by RTandHandelscock4eva: "Succeed" in business the pathetic, snivelling, give PR a bad name way. "Spam-Technique for Brand Mystique!" more » | Other threads
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advice
Important Advice For the Humor-Deficient
John McCain got in trouble this week for an old joke he told once about how women enjoy rape. No one gets his sense of humor! He grew up with the subtle wit of Sir Francis Burnand's Punch, is it his fault the kids today all read filthy comic books or whatever? Similarly, The New Yorker got in trouble this week for printing a cover that everyone had to pretend not to understand in order to be outraged about how no one would get the joke. It was complicated. But we have advice from an expert that will help. John McCain needs to read this email from your day editor's mother. More » -
not afraid to be servicey
How To Not Storm Off the Internet in a Huff
Yesterday, a grown man threw a tantrum and stormed off the internet. Because we bullied him. It wasn't pretty. Are we proud? Well, it's a living. We spent today mulling over some wise advice we received. And, of course, it's true. We should be constructive! In the spirit of friendship, we'll explain how to survive the Internet without letting the bastards get you down. Heed our words, and you'll never have to shut down another blog. Or quit a message board, or ban yourself from a comments section. Never again will you hear the sirens of the waaaahmbulance.
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By PareeneComment by toastycakes: @Clarence Rosario: Noooooo! Their iphones just don't take screenshots yet. more » | Other threads
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Transformers blows up this weekend. Need to know more? io9 gets down and dirty with the superbots.
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