When one fretting citizen wrote in wondering what Agins thought "of the 'rule' on not wearing white after Labor Day," she thoughtfully responded:

"To be sure global warming has made it easier to comfortably wear thinner clothes in the winter. But pulling off seasonless looks boils down to getting the balance right—choosing smart looks that make sense. A white linen suit won’t work for Boston in November."

Yet.

Anyway, it's nice to see the paper has finally warmed to the impending global catastrophe. Now, off to Barney's for just the right ensemble for drowning in a flood.

Sarah Palin may be running for Vice President but is she any different from the woman who sold the story of her daughter Jamie Lynn's pregnancy to a magazine for $1 million, or from the father that allowed 15-year-old Miley Cyrus to be photographed semi-nude for Vanity Fair supposedly to further her career?

Well, I mean...

Bristol Palin hasn't been the star of a major kids TV show like Jamie Lynn or Miley Cyrus. She has not chosen a life of celebrity. But now, thanks to her mother's decision to accept the Republican Vice Presidential candidacy, her private life — her sex life — is as exposed as if she had long been a cover regular on Star or US Weekly.

Ha! Yes, well...

Seventeen year-old girls are not yet adults... Haven't endless teen movies and TV shows from "Sixteen Candles" to "Gossip Girl" all dealt with these issues of lack of confidence, fear of embarrassment and befuddlement with dealing with the opposite sex?

I guess so, but...

Bristol Palin should have "the protection of her mother right now and not be paraded around as a platform.

That's a quote from Atoosa Rubenstein!

Then she closes with a coherent point. Next time put that part up top, Bonnie.

[HuffPo; pic via NYM]

Yesterday some kid named "Stephany" born in the nineties wrote a Facebook message to fellow members of Princeton Class of 2012, and now we have her picture. (There's another after the jump!) Inspired by its imagery (ripped condoms! bloody lips!) but also by its flawed underlying assumption that anyone gives a shit where you went to college, we crafted our own letter, to all the young people who ever went to college, as part of what we plan to make a regular feature, Tough Love.

Dear Young Folks, you know that saying "We don't care about the young folks?" Of course you do, you're young! But it's not really true. I care deeply about Kids Today, especially since it has started to come to my realization that everyone in Generation X hates you! I mean, even if we actually love you, we hate your blog, that you pretend you know everything even as it so rarely seems to occur to you that there is stuff you can't learn on Google, that you have so much misplaced self-confidence, and that when something makes you insecure we get the sense it is the first time you ever felt insecure about that thing and that makes us feel old.

To that end, there's a few things you should know, starting with how we feel about college, and where you attended. There are numerous other things you should know, and you can even feel free to ask questions if the inspiration strikes you, but don't worry, I'm not expecting you to pretend you don't know it all for a second. I'm basically writing this for the sake of my demographic anyway, because, Jesus Christ, sometimes your generation makes mine want to start a MySpace suicide pact. Only that would just be so you of us.

You know what I could give a shit about? Where you went to college! I might ask you where you went so I can fine-tune my expectations about the magnitude of the "sense of entitlement" I expect you to embody, but I don't really want to know, so don't let the conversation come around to that. It's not like I'm actually curious about you. Look, curiosity is one of the 10 great endangered virtues in this town, and having toiled to cultivate a small crop of it despite the terrible handicap that is living here, I've learned to be reflexively incurious about most people who hang out in the places I drink, but I have earned the right to not be curious about you. You should think on that for a second, because in saying it I am also advising you to harbor intense — though wholly unexpressed, know your place — suspicions about anyone older than you who professes to be curious about you (i.e. if you don't end up having sex with them within a couple of hours they are probably too nice/pathetic to ever be particularly powerful.) But anyway, say we've gotten past that point. Say I already asked you, and you tell me where you went. Perhaps it might help you to know what my assumption is.

College in the news angle
Say your college is in the news. Then we don't have to talk about what I am supposed to think you think this says about you. Oh, you went to Brandeis, so did that crazy terrorist lady who tried to shoot up those intelligence officers in Afghanistan, what about that? Duke: so you sorta regret reporting your date rape too? Etc. etc.

College In New York Angle
Oh lord, you went to NYU/Columbia/New School/Pratt/one of those colleges I always forget is actually in town because it's not like I walk the streets thinking, "Ooooh, how much you wanna bet those kids went to Hunter?" I am expecting you to have years of subsidized experience living and drinking and interning and amassing anecdotal evidence that "Gentrification: It's not a figment of your imagination!" about which you are eager to converse, so be a dear, pretend you are planning on leaving town for a few months so you can find out what it's like to be a real person a la Jessica Roy, and just straight-up give me an honest answer to the matter of can you get me drugs.

Lesser Ivy Angle
Oh, thank the deities, a lesser Ivy Leaguer. So you have spent four years and $160,000 tethering your identity, reputation and sense of self-worth to an institution with no hope of ever fostering any sort of genuine intellectual or otherwise culture because it is too preoccupied with all the relentless comparisons to Harvard. Yay, another absurdist.

Harvard/Yale Angle
Yikes! I think the only way to really handle this one is to never lose your sense of bafflement that there are places so simultaneously insular and inculcated in their own sense of self-regard that some of the most intelligent people in the country can go there to teach and wind up like this guy. (Who not only doesn't have anything worth saying to his plumber, he doesn't realize that he doesn't have anything worth saying — at all!) But don't talk about said bafflement! Just say something like, "Yale, but don't be intimidated, my SAT score was only 1340*and that was untimed."

One of those colleges where there are no grades or whatever Angle
See "College in New York" angle, last sentence.

State school Angle
I will expect you want to partake in all sorts of cultural offerings of which you have been so unjustly deprived the past twentyodd years at least until March Madness comes around, and as long as you don't live in Bushwick I will find this charming. For about two more years!

Canadian angle
The problem with Canada is that you have all these flawed assumptions about how Americans perceive you, as in you think we feel guilty about not knowing anything about the customs and inner workings of a foreign country one fifth as populous as Bangladesh, or that the fact that you assume your travails getting a work visa will inspire our sympathy — ummmm like, hey read this! — and you never see it from our perspective, as in "Yeah, I have about as much sympathy for you as I do for someone who grew up in Portland, but with universal health care and never having to say you're American."

Historically black Angle
Look, I'm not going to act like I meet a lot of you in the Manhattan media scene, but on the occasion that I have it has always been a pleasant experience and if you are looking for extra credit see what it would take to arrange Stephany as your next commencement speaker.

*Yeah, fuck you, I'm old, that was the point.

No Cliches

An expat in Beijing helpfully lists all the major cliches that you intrepid foreign correspondents should avoid. They include the following phrases:
“Coming out party”
“Beijing is a city of stark contrasts”
“A city of startling juxtapositions”
“A city of yin and yang”
“There is an ancient Chinese curse that says, 'May you live in interesting times'"
“The Chinese word for crisis includes the character for opportunity and the character for danger”
“China’s rising middle class.”

Also to be avoided: Blade Runner comparisons, quoting taxi drivers, stories about "Chinglish," stories about weird Chinese food, and making fun of the Olympic mascots. Make a note of these restrictions.

Watch Out For Cops

Chinese cops will beat up journalists. Watch out for that.

Remember Your Fake Credentials

The system for the media hordes in Beijing, apparently, is this: Yellow badges go to the important media people who get to be close to the center of the action. Blue badges go to unimportant stragglers who are stuffed into an auxiliary media center away from the action. Therefore, if you know you are unimportant, bring some yellow paper and a laser printer.

Bring Bribe Money

This tends to make things go more smoothly in savage lands like China. Also helpful for the cop situation (see above).

Cover Whatever Pops Off

The best story of these Olympics will happen when the inevitable activists pull off whatever big public stunt they're planning, and the Chinese government responds by either rounding them all up to be shipped off to a secret location, or crushing them right there in the streets. NBC certainly won't focus on it. All the really important journalists will be off covering the sporting events, to which they were able to score tickets. This will be your chance, unimportant marginal reporters! Make the most of it.

Forget The Masks

Yes, some of the athletes are wearing masks because of Beijing's dirty air. It was on the cover of the Post (bit of a stretch, we must say). But if you can't think of a new angle on this—maybe see how long you can hold your breath?—then just leave it alone. And for god's sake do not wear a mask yourself.

Find Some Poor People

They should be available all over Beijing, ready to share their colorful tales of urban life for a nominal fee. For a larger fee they may be willing to gripe about the Olympics, anonymously. Take advantage.

Find A Villain

The Olympics are the source of a neverending stream of grating, soft-focus profiles of athletes who overcame hardships to achieve their dream. Fuck that. Anyone watching the NBC broadcasts will have had a vomit-inducing amount of that schlock by the second day. What you need to do is find the evil athletes who have risen to the top despite being unmitigated assholes. The weightlifters who shoot designer steroids; the BMX bikers who bring their stash of Ecstasy to Beijing; the equestrian star who beats her kids. These are the profiles that will propel you to fame.

Find A Good Chinese Restaurant

Don't be a sucker who eats in the media village every day. Don't be an even worse sucker who eats at all the tourist restaurants. Be that guy who plunges into the heart of the urban jungle, finds an "authentic" Chinese restaurant, and then annoys your friends with repeated tales of your quest to ferret out that "authentic" Chinese restaurant. In years to come, this will be a great way to bring overlong dinner parties to a close.

Fuck Michael Phelps

Ha yes, we know some of you would like to do this literally. But we speak of a metaphorical fucking of Michael Phelps only. Everybody knows the motherfucker is going to win every race and be on a fucking Wheaties box. Do we have to hear hour upon hour of minutiae about his white-bread lifestyle, which consists mainly of going to the pool and possibly downing a few brews and being fellated by a sorority girl on the weekends? For fuck's sake. He seems like a nice guy, but really. He's a good swimmer. Go find those villains.

• "And lastly, business (and life) isn’t an “academic exercise”. It’s real – not theory or concept… not a fictitious name posted on a blog, but instead something very real and measured. Real business – real life – real dollars and cents. There are many who can criticize and nitpick which is easy… but working hard every day and building is a hell of a lot harder."

  (Is that an apology for this? Probably not.)

• "What is it that a brand can do to create enough mystique that there are pre-orders? Clearly Steve Jobs seems to have figured this out… I had the question myself this past Saturday during my 7 AM morning jog, when I saw tens of people lined up outside my local UWS movie theatre waiting for Batman."
• "Clients who need global reach can and should indeed get it, but not as a cooker cutter, but instead on a case by case basis."
• "The cure-all for the inflation problem in the ‘70s was that women went to work to supplement family income.

  [A client] said that, today, with 80-90 percent of women working, we no longer have a solution as simple as the one 30 years ago. So now, how can the economy get better; by sending our children to work? Surely not!
  Hence, the crisis facing today’s families as the economy struggles"

• "Every day of the week, I tell employees go out, create and do. It’s ok to occasionally make mistakes. Be passionate, care and try. Don’t over think. Do."

And our bonus tip for success: Learn how to write.

[Counterpoint, from Ronn's blog: "With very, very few exceptions, to say that I vastly disagree would be an understatement."]

Maybe, though, you could have summarized all of your tips by using the very sage advice that kid gave you in 2nd grade, when the teacher had you guys write an advice column. Each of you wrote one letter asking for advice and each of you answered one letter. You had a sad letter about basically how you were too hip for 2nd grade, you were telling all sorts of funny jokes and nobody got them. And you wanted to know how to make those kids understand.

And the kid who answered your letter wrote:

Alex,
you should tell funnier jokes.

To this day, I laugh and laugh and laugh when I think of that, and how mad you were about it.

And I never made bad jokes again.

Know the Sharing/Oversharing Divide. A bit of personal info—we have a kitty!—makes you a friend. Too much personal info—check out my facial!—makes you a target. This is not even a fine line. It is a very obvious line. It is the line that drove Julia Allison off the net before. Since her return, she, surprisingly, has not really crossed it!

Don't Write Like An Asshole. Kinda hard to quantify this one, right? Especially because some of us make our livings acting like pricks all day. But writing assholish things and writing like an asshole are different! Keith Gessen often Tumblrs like an asshole. Yes, you have a fine little magazine, but the I'll buy you a beer if you are half as impressive as me when you're my age thing is one of the douchiest things we've ever read, especially because dude is not actually Norman Mailer yet. Ditto for Lodwick's contention that his pretty websites "change the world." No, they don't! Maybe "asshole" just means "solipsist?" It does seem to, doesn't it. Which brings us to:

Manage Your Narcissism. Please. And:

Have a Sense of Humor Please.

STOP DIGGING. You're mocked or attacked. Respond with a cutting counter-attack, a reasonable and self-reflective defense, or DON'T RESPOND AT ALL. Or email the author and make friendly! This secret tactic usually works wonders. DON'T flail about helplessly in the comments section, where you'll be piled on. Don't post something hurt and whiny that reinforces whatever real or imagined fault you were attacked for. Bite back and enjoy the game or ignore it and move on with your life. Mr. Keith Gessen sort of did this, which is why we'll link to his cute puppy pictures.

Man Up. This advice is very sexist but also sadly useful.

Own Your Terrible Gimmick This is basically summed up as "fuck the haters." It means that when we (or anyone else!) do things like this to you, you do this.

Read This. Will Leitch is leaving the internet, but he imparted wisdom on his way to print.

Be Like Doree Everyone likes Doree. Everyone! Look at how she deflects criticism!

Don't Storm Off the Internet In a Huff. It's embarrassing. Also it makes the entire internet indistinguishable from LiveJournal, which is depressing.

We hope this helps all you Tumblrs and Tweeters out there! You whiny idiots!

See how it feels to write down, "I want to direct." Or write down, "I want to act." See how that feels. Make pictures of what you want to do. Make collages to stimulate the primary process thinking that is the creative mode.

Collages are fun.

Meditate for five minutes and notice how quickly the time goes. Narrow down. Narrow down and make a plan. Think about a year. Think about how so many corny things are true. Think about how you are not 22. Ready yourself for sacrifice.

I know I'm not 22. But Cary, do you know whereof you speak?

I am a child of Florida's warm, wet indolence, the intoxicating rot and the rough, beefy unculturedness. I am a child of that. I know how it is to hate Florida and feel better than Florida and want to live in places like California.

Final words of wisdom?

So be with the ones who know you well. Be with the ones who see your bullshit. Work it out where you're from. Work it out, whatever it is; work it out where you're from.

You have this thing you have to do. It has something to do with film. You don't know precisely what, yet. But figure it out and then if you have to go to L.A. to do it go to L.A. But figure it out first.

Thanks!

[Salon]

You tell them that no hot club in L.A. is going to let two dudes in—let alone four or five—so you need to rotate trips to L.A. unless you don't mind partying at the non-exclusive clubs. Or tell them that they need to come with cash to offer the promoter or door person. If I was bouncing the door at a hot spot, five dudes would cost at least $500 dollars.

Uh, hey Spencer: if you were bouncing the door, people would just walk in for free with a hard glare.

DEAR ABBY: I have the most annoying laugh. It goes from a cackle to a loud screech. I have lost friends over this because people don't enjoy being seen in public with me. Is there anything I can do to solve this problem? — KRISTEN IN WAYNE, N.J.

Abby provides the ladies with her trademark solid, no-nonsense advice, but nowhere does she tell them to just get the hell out of New Jersey, so in the end she fails them both.

Dear Abby [uExpress]

I picture that hotel room full of Marines and your friend, drunk, abandoned by her friend and hungry for something, seeking something, vaguely aware that once she starts drinking she often can't stop or control what she does next, vaguely aware that whatever has been happening to her lately is happening again, and every time it happens it seems to get a little more out of control. When I picture that hotel room and what went on there — maybe with just one Marine but maybe more than one, given that her shame may be overwhelming and her memory incomplete — when I picture her desperation and her hunger for whatever it is she was seeking at the end of the night, and then I hear the phrase "consensual, unprotected sex," I marvel at the gulf between the language and the event. Perhaps this language indicates the gulf between your world and hers as well, and between the full horror of what happened and our willingness to imagine the full horror of what happened.

Uh.

The more I imagine what went on in that room, the more I wonder if you and your good friends have come to terms with, or admitted to consciousness, the full terror of the event. No one probably knows for sure what really happened in that hotel room. Has anyone uttered the word "trauma" in relation to these events?

Uhh..

One out-of-control incident leads to shame and humiliation and fuck it all, who the fuck cares now, might as well get out of control again because my friends did not rescue me the first time, so fuck them too, they must not care about me, and since they don't care about me I must be pretty worthless, and if I'm worthless you're worthless too, you shit, we're all worthless, so what if I give my fucking boyfriend an STD, he should have been there to protect me from those Marines and protect me from myself, too. So fuck him. Fuck you. Fuck it all.

This is the way we end up dead.

Thanks!

• Learn to appreciate men. Men like women who like them.

• Remember that women are biologically wired to succeed.

• Don't assume that men never listen. They listen like a dog does.

• Screw the rules. Make up your own.

Dear Living the American Dream ...

The kind of American dream you are living is the kind you wake up from in cold sweats.

There is another American dream.

It is a dream of wholesale revamping of cities, towns, transit and housing. In this dream, you get up in the morning and shower with solar-heated water and walk down a pleasantly crowded pedestrian way to catch some breakfast at a sunny outdoor cafe and then walk to a well-designed mass transit hub where you catch a fast, comfortable and efficient train to work. Or you work at home, using video hookups when necessary for meetings, transferring digital files at high speed, and when you start to feel isolated and restless you step out of your house to mingle on the street or jog or cycle on a nature path. And maybe you pick some wild watercress on the way and when you get back you make a salad for your wife, who is conducting a seminar on Chaucer in the living room.

Hello Love, We have anxieties about you. After all, what is life after Gawker? The Streets? Nah. You could join the army. Do PR: an outrageous fantasy. Do not write a bad novel about life at Gawker with angst or even with waspish humor. There are merits to being a YOGA instructor; it is not well paid in dollars; but better in emotional reward. The role is even socially useful. Do we send food packages? Wine is too bulky. Here is a gift certificate for three bottles of my 07 white. More when you return clean empty bottles. Stay well, Walter D.

Hey Tionna,

I am a 22-year-old university student who is in love with a 32-year-old rock star. He is the most respectful, non game-playing, honest man that I have ever been intimate with. Right from the beginning he pushed me to be open and honest with him, which is something that is really hard for me, and I expressed all my fears to him. We have been friends/lovers for about nine months now. Six months ago I expressed my interest in pursuing a relationship with him, however, he was not so eager, for he is trying to break his own relationship patterns.

He has been in three 3-year relationships in a row with not much time in between them. His last relationship ended the previous October and they almost got married. He keeps telling me that we should take it slow, be friends, and see what happens—that there is no reason to rush anything. I am trying to be patient, however, my feelings for him are growing and he still feels the same way. He says he can't be with me now but he also can't say that we will never be in the future. I have tried on numerous occasions to end our friendship, because it is too emotionally difficult sometimes, however, he always convinces me to stick around. I also don't think he wants me to stick around for sex, because he insisted that we stop having sex in August, and work on our friendship. On top of that he has been touring constantly. I just don't know what to think anymore!

-Fucked up Kid

See it isn't that your rocker guy doesn't like you, it's just you're kind of young and I don't think he takes you that serious. You have to understand that he is wayyyyy older than you (so he's been there and done that) and he knows how to control someone like you. Telling you to take it slow and be patient is a way of making you think that there would be something in store for you in the end, but chances are there isn't. You already been messing with this dude for 9 months and been his fuck-buddy, so, he's thinking, what is the problem?

You says that he insists on keeping you around but think about it, why wouldn't he keep around a pretty young thing like yourself that is ready to bone at his disposal? It took me a few months to know that it wasn't going anywhere. He tried to kick that same bullshit about us not having sex. The funny thing is a week later, he was back trying to get in my drawers so don't fall for that G (meaning game). I just think you should remain friends with this guy, don't give up the panties, and see where it goes because the more you bone him, the more your feelings will grow and you don't want to be left with a wet ass and some Chinese food (as my father likes to say). I hope this works out for you.

Love,

Tionna.

Dear Tionna,

Here's the deal, I honestly don't have that much to complain about. I have an amazing boyfriend. I mean one of those boyfriends you cry to your friends about needing after the one you have right now just fucked you over again. He's emotionally available, stable both mentally and financially, and loves me enough to deal with my sometimes crazy ass.

Now that I'm done sounding like boasting bitch I can get down to the real problem. He never wants to get married. There isn't a commitment problem, he just says the practice of marriage is an outdated Christian tradition he just doesn't find necessary. I just disagree.

I've always thought of marriage as making the ultimate commitment to someone. I'm not religious by any means but seriously what is the issue. We want kids, and then what if we split up? How do we divide things? Or what if one of us gets sick and we have to make the "pull the plug" choice. Unless you are next of kin there is no choice for us.

Also I want to be his wife. I know that probably makes me sound like some needy women who want to be chained to her stove with like fifteen kids but it's how I feel.

Where do I go from here? Do I give up an amazing man that I love insanely just because he won't sign a piece of paper?

Let's Get Married

He says that marriage is an outdated Christian tradition, wow. I thought that all religions got married but hey, I'm just an Advice Columnist, what do I know? Lol. I really think that his reason for not taking the plunge goes deeper than religion. Is his parents married? And if they are, do they have a successful marriage? I am asking this because his refusal to get married could have something to do with failure of marriages that he witnessed in his childhood.

This really isn't a HUGE problem because lots of people always say stuff that they will never do until the fire is under their ass and then they change their mind, you feel me? I think you should make it clear to him that you do believe in marriage and don't plan on being just some man's girlfriend for the rest of your life but don't sound too desperate (because that is a turn off). I think if he is as great of a man as you say he is, he will understand your views about this and marry you because I really feel like a man who loves you would do anything to make you happy—seriously.

I want you to also to take in consideration that he may never want to get married; and that is something that you have to choose whether or not you could deal with because you alone can't change someone's views on something as serious as marriage. I am damn sure not going to tell you to get rid of a GOOD man because he won't marry you, but I will tell you to always put your wants and needs over his and remember that if he doesn't marry you, there are other GOOD men out there that will make your dream of being a wife come true. So just think about that!

I think if you put your foot down, it will all work out for you.

Love,

Tionna

Ask Tionna!

Hi Tionna,

I have been with this guy for 3 and half yrs. He is my first real boyfriend he is an athlete at [redacted] college in Brooklyn. I love him but we have been through the worst. He has cheated on me twice that I know about. I have cheated on him once if getting someone's number is cheating. I want to make this relationship work but every time we get into an argument I bring it up (his cheating). I know that you have to go through the worst to make things better so I wanted to know how can I make this relationship work? Thank you for your time, keep on doing what you do. I believe that if you keep on striving for the best you would be the best and you are showing the world that African Americans can become someone more than the stereotypes we are known for. GOD BLESS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Confused College Girl

I think it's sad that your boyfriend is a cheater but as you know, he is an athlete and that is what comes with the territory (as some would like to say). I think it's pretty messed up that he does that but hey, he still has you around to pick up the pieces. I don't want to sound like the typical adult when I say this but hey, who cares: Your guy is too immature to be in a relationship.

Right now he is in college, playing ball, he may love you but his only concern now is just doing him. I understand that you guys have been together for a long time. But face it honey, it's serious to you but it's a joke to him. You are his girl that he has as a backup when he doesn't want to deal with the "groupies." He may love you but he doesn't have this relationship as a priority. You said he has cheated on you twice and those are the times you found out about; so imagine who you don't know about. The sad thing is it's probably not the lust that is making him do these mean things to you—it's the social expectations to be a player-player from the himalaya that is placed on athletes. However, I don't want you to take that as an excuse.

I truly believe that people do what they want to do because they can. Yes, girlfriend, he is cheating on you because he can. If I cheated on you once and you took me back with no problems, why not do it again? That is what he did. Girl, you should have given him some kind of consequence because maybe then he would have known not to get caught up a second time in this predicament.

I don't know what it is about people these days but they just don't know the code. My thing is this, if you are going to cheat on me, at least have the respect to not let me find out. I mean, is that too much to ask for? Damn.

You seem like you believe that you are over him cheating but you know what? You're not. If you were, you wouldn't throw it up in his face in every argument. That's the rule, people: if you say you forgive, don't throw it back up. I say forgive but never forget. I mean if you want this relationship to work you have to stop bringing this up because it isn't going to do anything but make you more mad at him and the madder you get, the more time it's going to take to rectify the problem. I mean, it sounds like you want to work it out but I personally think you should break it off with him and just date because you are too young to be dealing with this guy on this type of emotional level.

Believe me, you are not losing anything because what you like at 18 ain't going to be the same thing you like at 25. So save yourself some time and get rid of his cheating ass now because once a cheater is always a cheater.

Tionna
Ask Tionna!

Tionna,

I have a problem and I could really use some help/advice/encouragement/anything. I'm 25, and all my girlfriends have boyfriends. Of course I want my friends to be happy, and I'm glad for them, blah blah blah, but I'm also effing LONELY. Honestly, it just really pisses me off that when they were single we hung out all the time, and now I'm lucky if I get a phone call once a week. I understand that being in a relationship is time consuming and all, but I also think it's really not cool to ditch someone who has been kind to you and supported you for years just because you get a boyfriend. I mean, when I'm dating someone, I always make sure to hang out with my girlfriends because friendship and loyalty are important to me, and it's important to me that my friends know that I care about them. But I guess not everyone feels the same way. And keep in mind that these are the very same bitches that complain when other girls pull this crap. Oh, and to make matters worse, I just found out (from MYSPACE) that they are all going on a "couples only" trip for New Years that I, of course, am not invited to because I don't have a boyfriend and therefore am defective in some way.

The thing is, I consider myself to be a pretty strong person, and I usually don't mind being single, but I'm just feeling lonely and left out lately. And it's not as if I couldn't have a boyfriend. I'm very attractive and successful and fun, and I meet guys all the time. But I don't want to date someone just because all my friends are, I want to wait for someone I really like who's going to treat me well. But in the meantime, it would nice if my friends would hang out with me sometimes. Please don't tell me to just go out and make new friends—I mean, it's really not that easy to make new girlfriends, and for the most part, I really do love the ones that I have. But I just don't know what to do about this situation. I don't want to seem selfish, but this sucks. Please advise.

Love,

Katie

Aww! I could totally relate to this letter in so many ways. No, I am not going to tell you to get new friends, I mean that's not going to solve the problem. But I do think that your friends are totally wrong for ditching you now that they have a man.

I have a famous quote that I like to say which is be good to your friends because when that person leaves out of your life, your friends are still going to be there. I don't know what it is about women but when they get a man, they get stupid and forget everything around them. You are not being selfish by saying that you wish your friends will hang out and answer your phone calls more; you are being real.

I'm not saying that your friends aren't true to you but I don't like the fact that now that they have a man, they only call you once a week. That to me is really trifling.

I like the fact that you added in that you called them on the regular when you had a man in your life. That shows that you practice what you preach, which is a quality I respect. Your friends are being really insensitive to your single status. These chicks going to plan a couples-only trip knowing that you are single. Oh hells no! They really don't know how to act. The least they should do is invite you and try to hook you up with someone. It's the beginning of December, they have enough time.

I know right now it seems like you are left out in the club but believe me you will get over it. I am single and I was in this position before and I went and told my friends exactly how I felt and of course they didn't see where I was coming from and disregarded everything I said. So I decided to act like I was wayyy too busy when they did decide to call. Katie, I know that being single sucks but hey it only sucks because people like you and I refuse to settle. That is something that you can be proud of.

I know right now you are trying to stay strong but your loneliness is getting the best of you. But this period will pass with lots of prayer and support. I just want you to discuss your feelings with your friends, and if they don't understand where you are coming from, keep yourself busy with doing special things for yourself and get closer to other people in your life like your family. I did that and it worked. I hope it all works out for you.

Tionna

Ask Tionna!

Dear Tionna, I need some advice on what to do about my boyfriend of 6 years. He can't have sex for longer than 3 minutes before he cums, even with a condom. I have tried to explain to him that this is beyond frustrating. I mean I need at least 10 minutes to be satisfied. I'm just at my whits end, I love him and he is a good man I just need better, longer sex. Do you have any ideas on what I can do to help him. Thanks.

This is such a complicated situation. You have been with a man for many years and he doesn't satisfy your sexual needs because his behind cums too fast. [Ed: Give it a minute.] Damn, this one is a hard one. There are a couple of things that could be going on. The first one that comes to my mind is maybe he is selfish. You have men out here that do not care if a woman gets hers, as long as they gets theirs. But for some reason, I don't believe that is the case here.

Maybe you bore him so much that he just want to get in and get right. Maybe you don't give it to him often enough, so that when he does get it, he gets a little too excited. My other thought is, maybe he has a problem, you know like a sexual dysfunction. Maybe he is suffering from what we call Premature Ejaculation Syndrome (you can't even look at the dick long enough before he starts cummin).

Premature Ejaculation Syndrome is the most common sexual problem in men. Damn. There are many men in the world who suffer from this same disorder (thank God I never met any of them) so don't give up hope. There are treatments your man could go through to get rid of this harsh syndrome, because you, my dear, need some good sex. And damn, you're not asking for much- you said all it takes is at least 10 minutes. Hell, a woman who could get satisfied in 10 minutes of penetration? You can't beat that with a stick. So I am going to help you.

I won't tell you to leave him, because then you will meet some loser with some good sex and a smile who won't have the great qualities your man does have. So I say trick him into paying for some help and if he doesn't want to do it, then get rid of the chump because life is too short to be dealing with Mr. cum-too-quickly.

You said he gives you three minutes of the dingaling, please! To get all hot and horny just for three minutes? You're better off popping yourself.

Here are his options. They have creams that desensitize him against the pleasureable feeling of being in the catbag. They have anti-depressants. Hell, they even have cocaine! I don't advise him doing that, but he has to do something.

It seems to me like you have told him about the problem and he refuses to get help. If he wanted to get help, he would have gotten some help like five years ago when you guys first started getting it popping. Sex is what I call 80% of a relationship, without sex all your mate is to you is a brother or sister. No one likes to say this, but being sexually compatible with your mate is very important and without it your relationship is doomed. He has to understand that what he doesn't do, the next man will do happily and willingly. I don't know how he feels as a man when you guys discuss this. Maybe he thinks it's all in your head since he survived this long with the old shooting gun.

I must say you have a lot more patience than I have. I broke up with the love of my life because he wasn't getting my motor running. But hey, that was when I was young. If that was happening now, I'd probably engage myself in some extracurricular activities. I am not an advocate for cheating but come on, you have to get it off some kind of way and it sounds like to me like you are tired of getting yourself off.

If your man has other problems, I give you the green light to stray. Having a man with bad sex and an attitude is enough to make any woman go crazy so think about all of your options- get him some help, cheat, or be out. The choice is yours but make sure you make the right decision for yourself.

Girl, I feel for you because now that I think back to my sexual escapades, I did have sex with a man who came faster than a speeding bullet. But I don't think he had a syndrome, I think he just didn't give a shit about satisfying a woman. You know sex is mental so that's what it was in his case. Damn, that ish right there is so frustrating so God Bless you if you decide to keep this one. I just hope this doesn't go on forever.

Love,

Tionna

Hi Tionna, I have a problem. I am really stuck between what the heart wants, and what the brain says. Anyway, I have been dating a wonderful man for 2 years. Problem is, he is still married. He told me about it from the beginning, that he was still married in name only, and that he is remaining with his wife at home for the sake of their child. They sleep in separate bedrooms, and haven't been intimate in years. I do believe him, or do I? Everyone I talk to about this says that I am crazy, and that many men use this excuse when they are simply cheating on their wives. I am aware of that, but still feel there is something different here. We have been away together for the weekend, we never fight, and the sex is fantastic. Two years from now he will be free from his marriage. However, once again, will he want to be with me and get married right after getting divorced? I am so torn. I feel I have invested so much already in this relationship, and I do love him, and enjoy every minute I am with him. But I have kids, and I do not want to waste anytime on someone who is not for real. Any advice?

Caroline

Think about it like this. Let's say your lover man gets hit by a car and dies. His wife will be the one who gets everything and make all of the arrangements. All you would be is that crying woman in the back of the chapel thinking about that weekend trip and great sex you guys once had. Is that all you want out of your life—hard dick and bubblegum? I think not.

Set a good example for your kids (because they are watching you) and let him go and tell him to look you up in the yellow pages once he leaves his wife. Keep me posted on this affair and don't get mad at my response, just remember that I am telling you this because I want you to be a strong woman.

Love,

Tionna

Ask Tionna!

Dear Tionna,

Here's a new one for you: I think my boyfriend has a thing for his niece. He is 32; the niece, his older sister's daughter, is 22.

I have been dating this man for six months and I recently met his extended family during a holiday visit. I met this niece before and had noticed that he seems very attentive to her (much more so than he is toward other family members), but during this visit, I saw my boyfriend dance very suggestively with her and even pinch her butt a couple of times.

The niece is arguably the most beautiful woman I have ever seen — she is smokin' hot!!! — but still. To me this seems waaaay out of line, but I was born and raised in the United States, and he is a recent immigrant, and so I am wondering if maybe differing cultural norms could be to blame. I should add that other family members were in the room during the dancing and the pinching. Our relationship seems solid so far, but it is obviously fairly new so I don't know if I should make a big deal about this by bringing it up or just wait to see if/how it continues.

So, do I pick option...

A — he is a pervert; run the other way
B — there may be a misunderstanding; talk frankly with my boyfriend about this
C — nothing's wrong here, except my paranoia; get over it

Signed,
Suspecting Incest

This is definitely a new one for me but I am here to help you. I must let you know that it is some real questionable activity going on in this family. You are suspecting that your man has a thing for his niece... Um, that is some real HOT ASS MESS... I really feel bad that you are even having these thoughts (yuck).

See here is the problem; he is pinching his niece on her ass. I don't care what country he is from, he is in America now and that's what we call gross. Don't blame us; blame the social constructs that were placed on us since birth. He is not supposed to touch his niece in a sexually suggestive way, not even if she is Angelina Jolie-hot. The sad thing is that this is definitely his niece (his sister's kid). Wow, at least if it was his brother's kid, he could maybe make up an excuse that that's not his real niece or something.

Either way, he is still a sicko. I mean I know many people who had a thought about a family member (whether they admit it or not) but you don't go expressing that. That's just not normal, sorry.

And even if it is a part of his culture to have sex with or show sexual attention to a family member. It's still not cool because it makes you feel uncomfortable and since he is your man, your feelings should be in his best interests. This is why some of us have a problem dating a person who does not share the same culture because it is hard to get used to the traditions and customs of others. I mean, kudos to you, I think you are handling this better than most. If I would see my man pinching a woman's ass let alone his niece's, I would have been out—right after I knocked him out and cursed his whole family out. That just would have been a big turn off for me (seriously). But maybe you are nicer than I am (unfortunately).

My advice for you is to sit him down and let him know how this made you feel (icky, I hope). Ask him what is that all about and really sit and listen to his answers. Also find out what culture or tribe he is from so we all can stay away from their asses. Don't diss his culture or traditions but really sit down and explain how we do it in the U.S. of A. Let him know that using that kind of behavior is frowned on in this country and he will be socially exiled if he keeps acting like that.

If he is down with changing his behavior then work with it but if he gets real defensive like, "This is my culture. Family break girl in first" (lol), then you run as far away as you possibly can. You guys were only together for 6 months, you haven't really established much yet, so this should be easy. Please, you don't need the stress. Just think like this: That could be your little daughter a few years from now that he is inching and pinching on (if you know what I mean). Yo, foreal, please get this together ASAP before you guys reproduce. I hear too many horror stories regarding incest. It makes my stomach hurts.

Damn.

Tionna

Questions left unanswered? Ask Tionna!

Dear Tionna,

I am dealing with some ish that I really need your advice on. A couple weeks ago, I met this incredibly perfect guy: hot, funny, sweet, etc. He turned out to be a big pothead and loser and I thought he was even kind of with this other chick, so we broke up. As it turns out, he WAS with this other girl (but I knew he had broken up with her, too). So one night at our college bar I went up to her, thinking we could bond, and was like "Hey, we dated the same guy! Let's totally be friends!" I did it because I thought "We're both
girls and should stick together against all the assholes of the world."

I was so wrong. This girl started flipping out. She had no idea we both dated this guy at the same time. I feel badly that I made her upset, but since then she's been harassing me on campus and even hit me and threw a drink down my white dress at a party. This entire time I have always ignored her and never retaliated, but that night was so bad I decided to press charges against her through my school. The people at the university I've talked to suggested I get a restraining order against her, too. While this is being dragged through my university's judicial system, I'm having a really hard time moving on. I think about what this girl did to me all the time, and since our school is very small, I see her pretty often and am so afraid she's going to try to hurt me again. Tionna, how do I get over this?

XOXO,
It's a Good Thing That White Dress Was Cheap

This is a definite hell-to-the-naw moment.

Most of the letters we receive here at Gawker are matters of the heart or the catbag, but this one is different. I am going to totally help you out with this one because this letter has too much ish going on. It's kind of funny to me that almost every guy we talk about on here turns out to be a pothead. Damn, what's up with that? Are you ladies turning these guys to drugs with your insecurities and emotions? (Um, I wonder).

First of all, you should have never came up to that chick. Your intentions were good but your approach was all wrong. Who wants to hear, "Hey we dated the same guy." She was probably thinking like bitch, I don't know you and you're coming to my face with this bullcrap. This was wrong also because for all you know, she could have thought that you were the girl he was cheating on her with, you understand? You didn't even watch how she moved, you just went in thinking she was all down with pink power (sisterhood). Oh please, girlfriend, that wasn't smart at all.

Another thing is, you don't know the circumstances of their relationship. He could have hurt her feelings badly and here you go out of nowhere, throwing salt on an open wound. So she may have took her pain out on you (though I am not defending what she did to you).

So now that is established, let's get down what my real problem is with: You. This chick gets mad because you approached her and she goes and starts harassing you, hitting you and throwing a drink down your dress. Oh hells no... First of all, Tionna Smalls is not an advocate for violence but you should have whipped her ass first and asked questions later. There is no way in hell you let someone put their damn hands on you and you don't defend yourself. That bitch ain't that crazy, she's human, she bleeds just like your ass. Ooh, I don't like this skank. What you should have done was made a report against her when she first started harassing you so that you would have been protected against any charges once you would have beat the life out of this trick. She has no right at all to be violent towards you.

Damn girl, you sound like you are way too nice. I think it's definitely time for you to become a member of the smack-a ho tribe. Foreal.

I know you may not be an aggressive person but hey, we all have a little fighter in us and I know you may be scared but f-that. Think of what Rocky said in "Rocky 4" when he had to go fight Ivan Drago in Russia right after Drago killed Apollo. Adrian said, "You Can't Win."

And do you remember Rocky's reply? Well I do, here it goes: "Maybe I can't win, maybe the only thing I could do is just take everything he's got. But to beat me, he's going to have to kill me. And to do that, he has to be willing to die himself. I don't think he is ready to do that." Wowzers. That quote is just motivation to my soul. Seriously, take that Rocky quote and make it your own and your fear would go away regarding this chick. Believe me!

You can't go backwards, so beating her ass now may not be an option, but remember that a bully doesn't go away until you pluck them. Right now this female is probably scared to bother you because of the pending charges. But if she ever act crazy again, take all your strength, all your might, and knock her ass out. It's sad but sometimes you have to take justice in your own hands. I think after that, she will get the picture but ignore as much as possible.

BTW, I don't care how cheap the dress was. Her behavior was unacceptable and it better not happen again or we will have to make a trip down there, lol.

Love ya,

Tionna Smalls.

And for all of you lovers, check out www.blogtalkradio.com/talkdatish for our radio show at 6 p.m. Tonight is dedicated to my Gawker readers. The topic: Dating in 2007: Are We All Doomed? Listen live and call in. Our number is (347) 215-7763. We will be discussing the real deal on dating, the trials and the tribulations. Don't miss it!

Dear Tionna,

I need some help on getting my head straight. I've been seeing this guy (I'll call him Dan) for about four years, and I am completely crazy about him. I mean, I still crush on him like mad, and I really do wake up every day and think, "How the fuck did I luck out like this?!" He is just super awesome.

Here's my problem: We've been friends for a little over ten years, and at the very beginning of our romantic relationship, when things were kinda starting to go in that direction we used to have these long heart to heart talks. You know the kind I mean. Well, sometimes we would have them when we were both a little (ok, sometimes a LOT) drunk, and he said a few things that I just can't seem to let go of.

A couple years before we got together, he used to go out with this girl. I'll call her Jane. She was the first (and only, at that point) girl he was ever really in love with, and she did him really wrong. She cheated
on him with his then best friend, and a couple other guys, and basically stomped all over his heart for fun. So when we were getting together, he used to talk about her, I guess because he wasn't all the way over it, and we were falling in love and he was scared and shit.

But the shit he used to say would break my heart, and it still does. He would just go on and on about how beautiful she was, and how he never felt like he deserved her, and how awesome she was to fuck, shit like that. I mean, just so you know, he would never say shit like that now that we are together, but this was when we were just starting to hook up. I mean,he's not a dick, trying to make me jealous or anything. I had a crush on him at the time, though, and it hurt me really bad when he would say that stuff, but I never said so, because I wanted to be a friend to him, and let him get his feelings out. But I just. cannot. get. over it.

The thing is, on paper, she is waaay better than me. I'm cute, but this girl is like, model gorgeous. And I'm just a wage slave, but she's a doctor. And my boy, Dan, should really be out of my league, anyway. I just always think, "He would rather be with her, or a girl like her. That's what he deserves" And I used to think, hey, it's a new relationship, you're just insecure, give it time, but I HAVE and it's been almost four years, and I still want to puke whenever I think about her (And I think about her a /lot/. Like, whenever I get sad, I will sit and obsess over every little thing he said back then, and make myself
sick I feel like a nut).

Or, like, the other day Dan saw a girl on TV talking, and he said, "she seems smart" and she kinda looked like Jane. And I kept my shit together, but I don't know. It really bugged me. I couldn't sleep that night, I just lay there thinking, "He still wants her. He's going to leave me." And the thing is, I am NOT the jealous type at all, I never have been, but I just like him so much. I know, in my head, that he loves me, and we are happy, and I need to let this go because it is stupid. He even saw her a couple months ago, and I could tell he didn't give a fuck. But in my heart, I think, this guy is so great, you don't deserve him, he is going to break your heart.

Tionna, please help me. How can I stop being so insecure about this? I just love him so much, I feel like my heart is laid open, and I am so afraid of him hurting me.

Stupid and Jealous

Dear Stupid and Jealous,

This letter made me smile for so many reasons. I am going to help you with this situation because insecurity is a thing that many people go through in their relationship. The first thing I must tell you is that I loved the fact that you wake up and ask yourself how did you get so lucky to have a man like that. I think that is beautiful when anyone feel that way about their mate.

Now let's get down to the nitty gritty.

When you and your boyfriend were just kicking it, you guys sat down and had heart to hearts (how sweet?). And he told you about this great chick that he loved to bone and how good she was as a woman (blah blah, blah). This was a long time ago but you still think about what he said and you think about this woman too. The first advice I must give you is, you have to get yourself together and stop thinking about the next chick because believe me, the next chick isn't thinking about you. If she was so freaking great he would still be with this woman but he's not so that says a lot right there. Oh please? You are the one who got the man. So what you're not a doctor; one's profession don't make them or break them. I know a lot of people who have great professions but have terrible souls. So freaking what?

And while we are on the subject, let's talk about your job. If you feel like you are a "wage slave", why don't you step your game up and get your career together! You wouldn't be intimidated by homegirl's job so much if you had something going on for yourself. I think you should truly wake up and find something that you are interested in doing for the long run especially if you feel that the guy you are with is way above you as well. I would never want to feel that way about a man and I don't want you to feel that way either.

Another thing I want you to know is, don't feel bad that he still thinks about Jane. So what? Everyone always think about the person who has done them dirty. It's sad but most people always love the person who shitted on them. Believe that. Maybe he felt that Jane was more of a challenge than you are. Here's some food for thought: You can't let your admiration for him be so obvious.

One thing that really made me disappointed in you is the fact that you said that you are cute but this girl is model-gorgeous. I don't care how this woman looks; you never downplay yourself for no one. You have to feel like no one is fucking with you regardless. Sure I have cellulite and may be 30 pounds overweight (ok, 50 pounds) but I walk with pride and I feel like I am the best thing smoking when I leave my house. And besides girlfriend, beauty is only skin deep. She probably isn't even all of that, it's just you feel that she is more popping than you are based on what he has said about her.

So girl the first thing we have to work on is your confidence, you have to build that up. I could tell you need to work on that by the way you describe yourself. Calling yourself a "wage slave" is not the move, babes. I also don't like that you say that he deserves better, if that's the case then maybe you two shouldn't be together. How can we believe you're right for him, if you don't believe it yourself? Feel me.

It just sounds like to me that you feel really intimidated by both Dan and Jane based on the things that you are lacking within yourself. And you are not being fair to you or Dan. So what he said—the lady on TV sounded smart—maybe he was dropping your ass a hint that it's time to enroll back in school or something. I think since you heard the word "smart", you automatically connected that back to what he told you about Jane.

Yeah, that's what you did.

Girl, I think if you get some swagger and upgrade yourself, everything will work out for you. And you will feel better about not only this situation but other situations to come. Who gives a damn about Jane? She's the past, you are the future. Hell, you probably think about her more than he does, so Girl, Get Your Mind Right! Seriously.

Another thing I have to let you know is, don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, discuss your jealousy of Jane to your man. Because I don't care how good of dude he is, this would be something he can throw back in your face later on and that right there will hurt you the most. So remember that and you will be the winner at the end of the day. I hope this all works out for you,

Love,

Tionna

Appearances can be deceiving. The book we were celebrating, 'Miss Education', isn't about tennis lessons at all. It's much more Francesca Lia Block than 'Gossip Girl,' full of sentences like "Parker in black and white Adidas high tops with the gold tongue and a raccoon coat she found in her basement. Blue with no jacket and no hat, just I Ching cards stuck into the spokes of his wheel. They ride, speeding and skittering on the icy shoulder of the highway, occasionally letting out a full-moon howl for the hell of it. Dangerous, and alive."

Likewise, you'd expect Soapnet's "Fashionista Diaries" starlet Bridget Helene to be shoving herself in front of the cameras all the time and reticent in front of someone who writes for a website, but: No. She stood at the corner of the bar, away from the flashbulbs, and expressed relief that the show was over. Now, she can live wherever she wants. "During the show, we had to live on Canal Street, and that was horrible. I mean, it was up high, so you couldn't smell or hear anything. But as soon as you'd come out onto the street, there would be, like, 1000 Chinamen— 'Prada!' 'Gucci!' Hey, is that Russian Navy by O.P.I. nailpolish? That is my absolute favorite," she said.

It was.

Publicist Kristian Laliberte came late to the party in a designer bomber jacket bearing the legend "John Lennon Loves On" and eyeliner. He's not eating carbs right now. I asked him to introduce me to his friend Tinsley Mortimer but he demurred. "Things are a little dicey with Tinsley right now, because of Peter [Davis]," he whispered.

So I went over to Tinsley's rarefied corner of the room alone, feeling as if I was bringing my lunch tray to the popular kids' table uninvited.

Her blonde ringlets shone in the bar's semidarkness, and her eyes registered nothing more than mild confusion when I told her why I'd come. Her tiny nostrils and her long black lashes fluttered as she spoke, and her voice was deliciously husky and just the tiniest bit Southern-accented.

Tinsley was happy to hear that someone had enjoyed the recent Styles profile of her relationship with her husband Topper, who she first married when she was 18. That bond was annulled, and the two were later remarried at a in a more socially acceptable way at a more socially acceptable age. Still: Romantic!

"Well, I feel like I might be really cheesy to say this, but you have to fight for love. You have to do whatever is necessary! I feel like people are too scared to say, 'I'm crazy about you! I'm obsessed with you! But when you feel that way, you should go for it, absolutely,' Tinsley said, widening her already-wide eyes.

It must be hard, though, to have been with the same person for so long, from such a young age. Seriously: Eighteen!

"Well, yeah," she said, "I mean, Topper was my first sexual experience! Sorry! Too much information?"

No, Tinsley. That is the exact perfect amount of information.

"But he'd been with other girls... I mean, he'd gotten it out of his system." She smiled. "I'm so glad I've never had to be single in this city. My sister-in-law is single, and it sounds awful!"

Oh, it is. But being in a long relationship with someone with whom one no longer has anything in common is worse.

"But I feel like it's actually really important to have separate lives, and that's what keeps your relationship strong in the long run," Tinsely said. "Most of all, you have to believe in love."