Our noting earlier of a rumor that CAA assistants were now being made to park in a life-size Connect 4 board on the bottommost level of the Death Star parking structure brings us this report from an operative directly affected by the new policy:

As if life wasn't hard enough for the Stormtrooping underclass aboard the CAA Death Star—one moment, they're required to spend an afternoon with their foot wedged beneath their boss's wobbly Aeron chair, the next, they're returning a baby coldcuts platter to Jerry's for not having "enough girl meat"—Deadline…

It seems as if our reconnaissance on Speed Racer—quickly shaping up to be one of the biggest turkeys in recent Hollywood history—proved correct: The film was indeed third at the box office this weekend, taking in $18.6 million, $1.6 million short of the bloated studio estimates released yesterday. (What Happens in…

Were you, like us, rendered an incapacitated, drooling mess after trying to slog through Variety's report on the agency-defection madness currently gripping the screenwriting trade? Perhaps you are simply a visual learner, in which case we've drafted for you a handy pictorial guide to the recent comings and goings…

It's a story as old as Hollywood itself: An attractive actor who's done everything he can to get himself into the spotlight just can't get the roles he wants. Is it because his acting isn't quite up to par? Of course not... It's because his agent sucks!

· NBC is close to unveiling their very fantasy- and action-heavy 2008-09 lineup, including a pickup of Knight Rider, and Robinson Crusoe, an "'adrenaline-charged' update of the classic tale." Said Ben Silverman, "We just wanted to give audiences a viable alternative to all the really, really gay stuff Steve…

A disturbance in the Vince Vaughn-management force yesterday sent ripples across the universe; within minutes, the CAA Death Star had dispatched two TIE fighters to snatch up the free-floating superstar—just as they did with former UTA clients Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell. One lunchtime pitch session, catered by…

If you're the average superstar, surrounding yourself with a dream-team of handlers is probably the single most important decision you'll make: Any weak link in the commission-claiming chain can result in the kinds of career missteps that result in disastrous tumbles down the Hollywood food chain, where you'll soon…

It's been too long since we've cuddled up with HuffPo powerblogger Ari Emanuel: The dissolution of his Ari's Frustration of the Day column by no stretch of the imagination suggests the Endeavor partner has suddenly developed a Zen-like acceptance of his rightful, bitch-hugging place in the universe. On the contrary,…

We turn now to the toiling assistant underclass, thanklessly shoveling call-rolling coal into the giant furnaces of the majestic agenting ships that dominate the Hollywood seas. (Forgive us. We're tired and all we can manage are Titanic-inspired metaphors right now.) Sadly, it's news of yet another dehumanizing blow…

Breaking! More news from the front lines of what some are already calling the Great CAA Egg Roll Fire of 2008. Another reader reports: "Ironically, I am told the egg roll caught fire in the microwave. HR removed all CAA's toaster ovens months ago...(wait for it), 'fire hazard,' they said. Is no one safe?" Clearly,…

Sometimes, all it takes is something relatively insignificant—say, the firing of two proton torpedoes down a thermal exhaust port that leads directly to a reactor core, or an overcooked chinese appetizer—to fell the seemingly invulnerable. This just in from a Defamer operative stationed in the vicinity of the CAA…

Well, we certainly weren't expecting this on our last day, but we'll share the nice, unsigned note we just got from the address deathstarvader@hotmail.com: "Hey, buddy, best o' luck! Some of us just met up in the fourth floor kitchenette to nuke one up in your honor! They get a little tough when you prepare them…

Following the magical transformation of longtime rep Risa Shapiro from agent to manager (the ceremony, we're told, involves drinking the still-warm blood of a freshly slain mailroom clerk), Jennifer Connelly has signed with CAA, having been vulnerable just long enough for the Creative Artists' tractor beams to pull…

· Anxious that the Oscars are approaching and he still has no real idea of whether or the WGA—obviously a little preoccupied with their own issues—intends to grant a waiver for their awards ceremony, Academy president Sid Ganis begs the Guild for answers so that complicated logistical issues can be resolved. "We're…

· Mattel joins fellow toy manufacturer Hasbro in leaping into CAA's embrace, turning over brands like American Girl, Hot Wheels and Fisher-Price to the agency for potentially lucrative Hollywood exploitation. First order of business: attaching artificially smooth client Nicole Kidman to a live-action Barbie project…

Life behind the gleaming walls of the CAA Death Star, it should hardly surprise you to hear, is not all baby-buffets and games: Being the most powerful agenting force in the universe means that daily, high-stakes deals negotiated by employees with Vader-sized ambitions will occasionally require the building to fold…

While this morning's Academy Awards nominees sheepishly douse themselves in champagne, unsure about how outwardly excited to get about an upcoming ceremony that may consist of nothing more than a picket line of tuxedoed writers, another anticlimactic recitation of winners' names by the best TelePrompter readers show…

We haven't had time to fully digest W's just-released, Hollywoodcentric "A-List" issue (it is, after all, Friday afternoon, and the liquid lunch hit us a little harder than we anticipated), but we did take a moment to have at look at the magazine's exclusive tour of the CAA Death Star, a piece that includes some…