Superproducer Jerry Bruckheimer is teaming up with Disney to produce the movie version of the upcoming book Horse Soldiers. While both you and me are imagining a film about horses who wear gun hats and every time they neigh, the gun hats shoot bullets, and we win WWII and the human kid, Danny, finally gets to kiss the cute French girl who helped them because she knows a lot about horses like how to click at them and how to fix gun hats, unfortunately we are both mistaken. It's about real-life US soldiers who rode into Afghanistan on horseback and helped broker deals with warlords in order to topple the Taliban. Sigh. [Variety]

Jeff Goldblum and Diane Keaton have joined the cast of the potentially-embarrassing-for-everyone-sounding Morning Glory. The film is about Rachel McAdams trying to solve a feud between two news anchors, Keaton and Harrison Ford. It's filming in New York, and that person who wrote Devil Wears Prada has crafted the screenplay. Lord help us. [Variety] Terrence Howard, Cuba Gooding Jr., and Bryan Cranston have all joined up for Red Tails, the George Lucas-produced WWII flick about the Tuskegee Airmen. Whether or not they run into any horse soldiers with gun hats on their heads depends on how historically accurate they're trying to be. If they're going for vérité, then yes, there will be gun hats.

In case you were worried that you might have to go to the beach or sit outside drinking sangria and enjoying the breezes this summer, don't worry. The CW has finally decided to enter the full-year programming game, and will air some new reality shows in the hottest months. Your choices will be as varied as Blonde Charity Mafia, about a group of idiots milling about Washington D.C., and Hitched, about a bunch of idiots mulling about the idea of getting married. [Variety] Nerd alert! Dollhouse and Battlestar hottie boombalottie Tahmoh Penikett has been cast in the Sci-Fi (or, sorry, Syfy) channel movie event Riverworld, about a couple who dies only to find themselves in what is questionably the afterlife. Alan Cumming will guest star, and the whole damn thing could become a series. But what does this mean for the still-getting-better Dollhouse's fate? Hopefully nothing. [THR]

The people who made that show Til' Death (which is still on the air), Alex Barnow and Marc Firek, have signed a new deal with Sony TV. They'll leave that Brad Garrett laffapalooza and head on over to a new series, which is still in the works. So the good people are working. We can be glad for that. (And yes, I know J.B. Smoove is funny on that show, but still). [THR] Also there's this: Jennifer Garner is set to star in a movie about butter carving. No, not churning. Carving. The competitive world of. So. The movie is called Butter, completing the triumvirate begun by Milk and continued by Salt. [THR]

Kevin James continues to land a series of improbably hot wives. First it was Leah Remini, who later became an alien and disappeared out of the motherhood and into the celestial ether, and now it's Maria Bello. The smoky voiced blonde will play his wife in that jam-packed comedy about a high school reunion that also stars Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Maya Rudolph, and Salma Hayek. The genius behind I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry will direct. [THR] Speaking of hilarity, here's something terrific. Hunk of yesteryear Antonio Sabato Jr. has won an acting award for a movie in which he plays a serial killer. The prestigious Beverly Hills Film Festival bestowed the best actor prize upon the former soap stud for his work in Drifter: Henry Lee Lucas, about this charming fellow who maybe killed 600 folks, and maybe didn't kill anyone. You may remember that the estimable Michael Rooker played the fellow in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer some years back. [THR]

Here is his scandalous theory, as told to New York:

“I think great leaders, charismatic leaders and men who are so confident and who have achieved so much, usually have big penises,” Cumming told us. “I think there’s a correlation between the level of confidence, the level of the way a man can hold a room and the way he conducts himself in life, with his penis size — with his comfort with his penis size.”

Cumming developed this theory, he says, through extensive research. “So much of male psyche is taken up with how big your cock is; it’s a huge deal in our lives, and so when you’re confident about your penis size, it shows.”

And his highly trained eye says Obama is hung. “Well, just look at him,” Professor Cumming explained. “Just the way he’s so kind of elegant and very confident in his body and himself.”

“Also,” Alan added as an afterthought, “someone told me that they worked out with him in a gym in Chicago, and it was big.”

We suppose that only Michelle knows for sure (though we can confirm Cumming's correlation of self-assurance to large endowments—you should see how Mr. Defamer conducts himself around Lifehacker, Gizmodo, and Jezebel. Let's just say that when he confidently leaves the room, he isn't the only one with a raised eyebrow).

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Alan Cumming Says Barack Obama Has a Big Wang [New York]

• Brad Pitt said it was uncool for ex Jennifer Aniston to say his wife Angelina Jolie is uncool. Or, as he puts it, he was "totally thrown." [Sun-Times ]
• Who wouldn't want to be on John Mayer's 1960s-style variety show?? Other than Brad Pitt? [Daily Star]
• Justin Timberlake is buying a condo in TriBeCa. Jessica Biel is moving in and Robert De Niro's son brokered the sale. [Post]
• Ari Emanuel screamed at poor, helpless kids playing soccer in Los Angeles, and Barack Obama still hasn't apologized. What terrible things will his chief-of-staff's family do next? [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson marrying? That was so yesterday. Now they're fighting because Lindsay wants to have an open relationship and sleep with guys, and their flack is denying the whole marriage thing.
• Thank you, Barack Obama, for convincing Alan Cumming to grace us with his citizenship. [P6]
• Former HBO president Chris Albrecht is trying to work things out with the girlfriend he choked at a boxing match. Page Six headline? "Rocky Love." [P6]
• Manolo Blahnik, the man, is not familiar with this "Sex And The City." [P6]

We're all for sexual freedoms and defying labels and whatnot, so we support Cumming's flouting of any imposed rules and all that. We just wish we didn't find it so increasingly forced and ho-hum. It'd be neat to see him completely change it up and play something fiercely male or female, straight or gay. Just for his sake as a performer, as he is quite a talented one. For now, though, we'll just have to make do with the gold kilt and makeup and winky-winky nods to whatever vague person is 100% in on the joke (we don't think it's us).

Some video of Cumming's performances are below.

Among the 140 guests were Ian McKellen, Geri Halliwell, Rufus Wainwright, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio and Monica Lewinsky.

Alan Cumming, boyfriend make it official [AP]

Anyway, this commmercial is pretty amazing. Someone apparently slipped Cumming some catnip — or Ecstasy, more likely — and he's panting around in various states of undress, breathing heavy, giggling like a schoolgirl. The best part: It appears that Alan has discovered that his name has elements of double entendres to it, including the classic line, "Good morning. I'm coming." This commercial is not to be missed ... but, uh, you've been warned.

Cumming The Fragrance [Official Site] (terrifyingly, NSFW)

Okay, so I didn't really harrumph; I just walked up the stairs like a normal person. But I would imagine that most people who paid loads of money and kissed ass to get into Soho House would harrumph at stairs. Loudly.

I was told that Jay McInerney had been there and Stephen Daldry had shown up earlier, kid in tow, but it was sometime around midnight so I missed the fun. Apparently people were following the British convention of getting drunk fairly early and being completely wiped out by 11. (The actual Brit ratio, according to the PR guy, was approximately 15% but it seemed higher, as the Brits were the ones still out and still drinking.) Alan Cumming had made an appearance the night before, and there were several journalist-types. (Joanna Coles and Michael Elliott had been there.) "Lots of media people," Choire had said earlier, wrinkling his nose and making a face like he'd just swallowed something vile. Overheard later: "I don't like media people. They're so vapid."

Also overheard: "So I told him, 'I'm a Morgan Stanley platinum customer.'"

Choire flashed his membership card. It's completely black with little silver lettering that says "Soho House". It looks more like something that should contain a list of nuclear codes than an entrance card to the Land of the Vapid. "Where's yours?" I asked Nick (Gawker's publisher). "I lost it," he shrugged. Nick clearly has trouble taking his Soho house membership seriously. If he doesn't change his attitude, they'll very likely question his devotion to aggressive social climbing and kick him right out. (But don't tell him I said that.)

There were plenty of flat surfaces, unlike London Soho House, where they have all reportedly been eradicated to curb drug use. (Everything is, I suppose, round—god knows, it's impossible to snort coke if it's settled in the bottom of something concave.) There were, for example, flat hardwood floors, flat marble-top tables, and a flat bar. Fascinating.

The decor, generally, was less "posh private club" and more "hey, let's throw darts at a design catalog and see what happens!" Tin roof (more techno silver squares than antique), massive velveteen cushions, Eames-esque chairs, and glass partitions. Not that you really care. It's dark; they serve cocktails; and you can smoke. If it weren't for the vile media people like myself, it'd be perfect.

I passed "cad"/"toxic bachelor" Rick Marin on the way in, and Bridget Harrison from the Post stopped by to chat. I inhaled several cigarettes because I was indoors, and for once, I could. Then I left. (The coat check had disappeared and everyone's stuff was just sort of haphazardly crammed into a corner. Reminded me of the Gawker launch party.)

Doesn't sound too exciting, does it? I'll compensate by talking about notable things that did not happen:

· No ecstasy was licked off the floor (while I was there.)
· Graydon Carter (comp membership) and David Bowie were not making out in a corner (while I was there.)
· There was no table dancing, fortune telling, or smashing of sound equipment (all of which—if that's your thing—can be found at the Bulgarian bar at the corner of Broadway and Canal.)

If, however, any of you do spot Graydon Carter and David Bowie making out in—anywhere, really—please tell me.

That's all.

· "Eric Bogosian walking up 1st avenue, wearing all black and a very nice smile. He ducked in to the deli at 9th and 1st. He sure knows his delis, that place is great."
· "saw Casey Affleck running along the west side highway, close to rockefeller park, on sat. late afternoon. he was running pretty slow, though, so I couldn't go from my original pace to his—would have been too obvious!"
· "While walking through Central Park on Saturday, I watched as a horse and buggy rode by with Kelly Ripa, her son, and her husband all sitting inside. Kelly looked prepared should any rogue camera crew leap out of the brush and attempt to interview her, her son was having the time of his life playing with a stuffed animal (shark), and her husband sat opposite the two looking absolutely exhausted."· "Uma Thurman walking around Gramercy Park with her daughter and another woman...looking very European."
· "Seen at the Ellen DeGeneres' HBO taping last Friday night at the Beacon Theatre - Alan Cumming (looking delish as always), Rosie O'Donnell (seated three rows *behind* me - ha!), and the woman who apparently plays the mum on "Gilmore Girls" (I had no clue who she was but almost had my eye knocked out by my eager male friend when he caught sight of her)"