This story was originally published by CityFile.

In the world of celebrities, socialites, and reality stars, relationships are more often "blink-and-you'll-miss-it" than "long-term." That's to be expected, of course. Think of all the temptations when countless other beautiful people are around! To size up the potential of a handful of newer and more high-profile couples on the New York City scene, we turned to Patti Wood, the "Babe Ruth of body language experts" who has evaluated unspoken signals for hundreds of media outlets over the years. Join us below as Wood breaks down which twosomes are destined for eternal bliss-and which are bound for a break-up.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner

Background: Real estate heiress, jewelry designer and Celebrity Apprentice co-host Ivanka started dating real estate scion and New York Observer publisher Jared Kushner more than two years ago. They were married on October 25th.

The verdict: "Her whole body is facing toward Jared, which means she's all about him. Most women do not pose this way. She doesn't care that people are taking photos; she is clearly proud to be next to him. Her left hand is up, showing she wants to touch him in a loving way, and her shoulders are up in a half-hug, suggesting she just wants to be closer to him. Her broad, relaxed smile also says that she's at ease with him. As for Jared, his pelvis is angled slightly toward her, and he has his arm around her in a protective manner, but not a controlling one. All of their body language signals show that they have a good sexual relationship and care for each other very deeply. It looks as if they'll have a long future together."

Tinsley Mortimer & Prince Casimir Sayn Wittgenstein Sayn

Background: It's unclear when the Tinz and "Cassi" first got together, but they were pictured together back in July when they attended the Cartier International Polo match. (Things went south with her ex-husband Topper when they separated in January of last year.) While Tinsley has been seen out with former American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis recently, Cassi appears to still be in the picture for the time being.

The verdict: "The first thing I noticed about this photo is that this guy has a strong ego, which is indicated by his foot jutted out in front of him as if he's trying to emphasize he's his own man. She's awkwardly positioned, showing that she's off-balance in the relationship. She's got her legs pulled and shoulders pulled back but her pelvis is forward, like she can't make up her mind if she wants to be with him or not. Her outside arm is down, not reaching toward him, which is odd for a truly solid couple. There's tension in her face, meaning she's uncomfortable, and all of her body cues suggest she doesn't feel balanced, safe or secure with him. It doesn't bode well... at all."

Topper Mortimer & Valerie Boster

Background: Topper Mortimer, Tinsley's estranged husband, reportedly first got together with Vogue editor Valerie Boster during fashion week in September. She recently threw him a birthday party at one of his favorite hangouts on the Upper East Side, preppy palace Dorrian's.

The verdict: "Here, he's doing something called 'overlapping,' where he's positioning his body around and behind her, and his chest is leaned in toward her. This means he is comfortable and at ease with her, but he's not enveloping her so tightly that he feels he needs to control her. Valerie's a little more conflicted: She's planted in her own seat but she is only leaning her upper body toward him, as if she is hesitant to give up too much and wants to remain independent. Her crossed arms indicate she wants to protect their relationship from the public eye. I'd like to see them a little more affectionate with one another, and while this doesn't appear to be a sexually-charged relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean it won't last."

Kate Hudson & Alex Rodriguez

Background: The actress and the New York Yankees third baseman first got together back in May, after she allegedly ended her relationship with Owen Wilson and A-Rod and Madonna split up.

The verdict: "This couple screams 'passion.' She's pressing into him with her pelvis, which says she really digs him sexually. She's even got her hand on his rear end, and her whole body is arched into him. Likewise, Alex has his pelvis and stomach forward, but he's holding back a bit, which you can see through his restraint with his elbows. He's definitely the alpha in this relationship and seems preoccupied by people watching them. Overall, it's clear she'd do whatever he wants. If the sex continues to be good, she's going to do her best to make it work. I'd like to see a little more tenderness in the relationship, though."

Bethenny Frankel & Jason Hoppy

Background: The Real Housewives of New York City star Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy got engaged on October 8th after dating for 11 months. She announced she was two months pregnant in mid-October.

The verdict: "The fact that she's sitting on his lap suggests two things: 1) she depends on him, and 2) they have a good sexual relationship. Her arm is very relaxed around him-she's not clinging on for dear life-and she has a relaxed smile, indicating she trusts him absolutely. The intimate gesture of their heads touching means they are balanced and like-minded. His arms are relaxed around her in a protective, loving way, and his joyous, open smile shows he could not be more enamored with her. This is a very solid couple."

Olivia Palermo & Johannes Huebl

Background: The socialite and star of The City started dating German  model Johannes Huebl in the spring of 2008.

The verdict: "What I like here is that her feet and body are angled toward him, and his body is shifted subtly toward her. Body and foot positioning says a lot about a couple's connectedness-and in this case, they have a strong connection and bond. Their hands are intertwined, indicating they feel at ease with one another and are protective of each other. Their relationship is one where each goes for comfort and strength. Given this pose, it's likely that they have a soulful, private relationship, but also a bond that is sweet and dependable. It looks to me as if they have a future."

Emmy Rossum & Adam Duritz

Background: Actress Emmy Rossum went public with Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz in late September, immediately after her super-secret music executive husband, Justin Siegel, filed for divorce. It remains a mystery how Duritz, who's dated Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston in the past, manages to reel in ladies who are infinitely better looking than he is.

The verdict: "He's definitely claiming her as his 'woman' in this photo in a controlling way. He's gripping her arm so she can't move, and it's actually sort of disturbing. His gestures say, 'She's mine; isn't she gorgeous?' Emmy, on the other hand, may have the side of one hip toward Adam, but the rest of her body is pulled away, meaning that she's definitely not entirely at happy with him. It's also interesting how she's holding her purse. When couples are really into each other, the woman automatically moves her purse to the hand furthest from her companion. Here, her purse is a physical barrier, which also translates to an emotional barrier. There's also tightness around her mouth, which suggests some conflict with these two. I wouldn't expect them to last long at all."

More info on Patti Wood can be found on her website, pattiwood.net.

• In other fine-on-the-surface-but-what-the-fuck news: Sienna Miller and her boyfriend, a Brit named DJ Slinky (see if you can guess his occupation), were shopping for vintage underwear in Nolita yesterday, which means they're still an item or something. Still, "vintage underwear" is one of those word combinations like "amateur surgery" or "Matthew McConaughey box set" that you just don't want to see in real life. Buy new underwear people! [Page Six]
• Michael Jackson's rabbi, the wonderfully named Schmuley Boteach, is now advising Jon Gosselin. Maybe he has a bet with someone that he has to provide spiritual guidance to at least one disliked celebrity at all times. Anyway, Boteach advised Gosselin to dump his girlfriend Hailey Glassman. But instead he took her to a restaurant on Halloween and ordered staff to keep all the fake Jon Gosselins away from him. [Page Six]
• Talking of Jackson, TMZ says that kids could identify precise details about his penis not because they were made to touch it but because he thought that peeing in front of people was funny and would just do it all the time. Dr. Arnold Klein, a friend of Jackson's, says he would frequently whip it out and urinate into a cup around groups of people. Which illuminates a whole unexpected frat-boy side of the king of pop. [TMZ]
• Tweens so badly want Twlight co-stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart to be a couple that the two have requested to do separate press for the latest in the series, New Moon, to avoid rumors. An insider tells Gatecrasher: "They really are good friends - and that's all - but they want to avoid being seen together. Any time they're photographed in the same place, the rumor mill just starts all over again, and that makes the paparazzi hound them even more." This particular insider is wise, and clearly a body language expert, and a philosopher and also a little sad for the lost love that might have been. "Honestly, it makes it very hard for them to even be friends," he or she says. perhaps with one poignant tear rolling down a cheek. "Maybe there could have been something between them, but it seems like all of the pressure surrounding their relationship has really killed it." Don't cry Mr. or Mrs. Insider. I'm sure you'll be commenting on a whole different story tomorrow. [Gatecrasher]
• Rihanna has given an interview, to Glamour, about the Chris Brown incident. "I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears," she said of the media circus, in what must be the most unexpected swipe of the day. "It was humiliating," she said of the picture of her bruised and battered face that circulated. "That is not a photo you would show to anybody. I felt completely taken advantage of ... like people were making it into a fun topic on the Internet, and it's my life." Apologies on behalf of the internet Rihanna. [Gatecrasher]
• Quote of the day, from Tom Ford: "fashion is one way in which we hold ourselves together. Just because I've become spiritual doesn't mean I can't love crocodile." Ford was telling W magazine about a bout of depression that struck him after he left Gucci in 2004. [Page Six]
• The Kushners treated their son Jared and new wife Ivanka Trump to a plush weekend in Washington, Connecticut. What did the Donald do? Nothing. He just coldly played golf with Samuel L. Jackson and some guy from Law & Order and didn't pay for any weekends anywhere. [Page Six]
• Daniel Radcliffe will go nude in the new Harry Potter. No really. "Daniel Radcliffe appears naked in one scene where Harry and Ron are fighting a magical creature, who fled to confuse and create a vision. In the view we see Harry and a woman embracing and kissing. It's an intriguing scene and very sensual," director David Yates told a magazine. Add your own wands/broomsticks/wizard's sleeve joke here. [Perez Hilton]
• And from last Friday, an ex-girlfriend of Alex Rodriguez tells Us Weekly that he has not one but two portraits of himself as a centaur above his bed. I mean we all have one picture of ourselves as a mythical creature, but two is just vanity. "It was ridiculous," the ex, who apparently has a gift for stating the obvious, told the magazine. She did not comment on whether the lower-body horse associations were justified, but Us did juxtapose this story with one about Kate Hudson telling everyone - including her parents - that A-Rod is a nickname with more than one meaning/he always comes out swinging etc. Also: her PARENTS? I know that in this instance that means Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, and I've seen Overboard and can understand the desire to confide in them, but really. Who launches into stories about fucking with their parents? [Us Weekly]

[Image via Getty]

Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

• The Yankees' Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez hate each other, and now their mutual dislike is apparently spreading to their starlet girlfriends, Kate Hudson and Minka Kelly, who are reportedly not exactly that into each other either. [Page Six]
  
  
• Seth MacFarland has outed Stewie on Family Guy as being a big, fat gay! He says that he and his writing staff had a script ready to go in which they outed him but then canned it in the end. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Larry King's wife Shawn has pulled out of a Michael Jackson tribute concert being put together by Larry King's wife Shawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Matt Damon got fat in preparation for his latest movie role. He says he gorged on McDonald's and Doritos and dark beer, but now the movie's done and he's already lost all the weight. Asshole. [Daily News]
  
  
• Awww...Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen went on a double date the other night y'all! They went to Strip House (Steaks?!) and ended the night "chain-smoking cigarettes until after 4am." [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian has gotten herself knocked up. No word yet on who the father is, but the hot rumor is that it's some ex-boyfriend of hers named Scott. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller has already taken the Slinky Wizard back home to meet her family, so you know that things must be pretty damn serious. She threw a pool party for her family and friends, where James Blunt tried to pick up on her, but like a true knight, Slinky Wizard swooped in and swept her away from him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Liam Neeson attended a film premiere for the first time since the death of his wife, Natasha Richardson, who was usually on his arm for such events. Reports say that he seemed understandably solemn and distracted. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jaime Pressly was photographed popping a squat on an LA street outside of a club, but she says it was all a big joke and that the liquid coming out from under her dress came from a bottle of water she poured out. [Sun]
  
  
• Diane Kruger says that she did everything but sleep with Quentin Tarantino in order to land a role in Inglorious Bastards. [Page Six]

In today's column she tells a story of some friends who spotted the Yankees star at The Foundry with his new flame Kate Hudson. Of course, one of her male friends ended up in the toilet with A-Rod and standing side-by-side.

Now, having seen Alex up close, I can tell you exactly about his face. Never having shared a urinal with him, I cannot tell you about his other varying parts. I am now told, however—and reliably so—that there are reasons he scores big in RBIs.

They don't call him A-Rod for nothing, folks. But what makes Cindy's source so reliable? What is he, like the tri-state area's formost expert on dick size? We have more faith in former Rodriguez flame, Madonna. Everyone knows she's a size queen.

Well, whoever Cindy's loose-lipped source is, we're pissed at him. Way to break the code, dude.

• Justin Timberlake isn't satisfied with singing and dancing and acting—He wants to write a book, about golf no less. We can't wait. The proposal's going out this week. Instant classic. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Where is Michael Jackson's brain? His body was placed in his golden coffin the other day but his brain wasn't inside? Does LaToya have Michael's brain? Is LaToya actually Michael after all? We demand answers! [Sun]
  
  
• Wass Stephens, the longtime doorman at Marquee and Avenue and an actor with recurring parts on Ugly Betty and Law and Order, was charged with assault after beating a club patron with the metal end of a velvet rope. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jason Bateman is opening up about his addictions to drugs and alcohol when he was younger. Who knew that Jason Bateman was an addict? [Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are not being shy about their unrelenting celebrity love for each other. They were recently spotted having dinner with Bob Costas and his wife, holding hands and whispering in each other's ears all the while. [Page Six]
  
  
• A new book on David Beckham devotes an entire chapter to the friendship between Becks and Tom Cruise, who Beckham says has influenced every major decision he's made since 2003. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ali Wise, a flack for Dolce and Gabbana often linked romantically to hotelier Jason Pomeranc, has been arrested on felony computer hacking charges. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosie Perez is set to play Obama Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor in a movie to be made about her life. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Russell Brand recently took a vow of celibacy but now he's working in LA on a movie and he just can't resist those frisky Hollywood women. [Mirror]
  
  
• Debbie Rowe broke down into tears after she saw Paris Jackson, who she birthed or whatever, speak at Michael Jackson's funeral the other day (didn't everybody?) [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jason Lee got into a fight with some random dude at Max Fish on the Lower East Side the other night and whipped out some of his martial arts skills to defend himself. [Page Six]

• Ashlee Simpson apparently harbors some deep insecurities in regards to her husband Pete Wentz's ex, Michelle Trachtenberg. The problem started when Simpson and Wentz ran into Trachtenberg and her boyfriend at a party in LA. Ashlee then proceeded to get drunk and started giving Pete lap dances to mark her territory, then screamed at Trachtenberg, "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!" [Page Six]
  
  
• Brad Pitt shares his secret for keeping himself fresh and clean when he's chasing around a dozen kids and being pretty in movies and just doesn't have time to take a shower. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Hudson has been spotted popping into bars in West Village to watch the Yankees play, but mostly just to see the dude she's boning, Alex Rodriguez, swing his might bat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kim Kardashian may or may not be getting married to Reggie Bush, depending on who you talk to. Star says they're engaged, Kim says they're not. Whatever, as long as Reggie gets 2000 total yards for the Saints this year, we're fine with it. [Star]
  
  
• Susan Boyle will get special visits from her cat Pebbles to aid in her recovery from the lunacy that international stardom has stricken upon her. [Mirror]
  
  
• Michael Jackson, battling skin cancer, is refusing to eat any food and has dropped down to a dangerously low weight. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Star Trek Captain Kirk dude Chris Pine has used up Audrina Patridge for a week or two of fun and is now kicking her to the curb, as was widely predicted. [Sun]
  
  
• A new book says that Britney Spears spiraled out of control last year because she was afraid of her LSU football and booze loving father, Jamie. [Mirror]
  
  
• Neil Patrick Harris wants to get into Hugh Jackman's pants. [Daily News]

• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are causing all sorts of trouble on the set of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" and the thing hasn't even really started taping yet. According to Ryan Seacrest, of all people, the duo have been whining and bitching since they landed in Costa Rica and have even taken to talking trash about the other "celebrities" on the show. They're even threatening to walk out on the show! Now, we're sure that this is just a stunt to drum up publicity for the show, but whatever, maybe we'll get lucky and Lou Diamond Phillips will beat them senseless with coconuts and bamboo or something. [Ryan Seacrest]
  
  
• A catfight between Madonna and Kate Hudson, the ex and current lovers of Yankees' steroid freak Alex Rodriguez, nearly broke out over the weekend at a polo match on Governor's Island. Crisis was averted, however, when Madonna realized that she doesn't give a shit about Kate Hudson boning Alex Rodriquez. [Daily News]
  
  
• Billy Bob Thornton's estranged daughter has been charged in the death of a one year-old child she was babysitting. The child died last October after falling from its playpen. [TMZ]
  
  
• Britney Spears brought along an entourage of dudes she may or may not be banging on the regular for a meeting with K-Fed. [PITNB]
  
  
• Lori Petty got bombed, got behind the wheel of a car, blasted a skateboarder, got arrested, and then did the "cover my face with my shirt" perp walk after she was released the next day. Sounds like a stellar weekend. [TMZ]
  
  
• Steve-O of Jackass and Dancing With the Stars fame has found a new way to stay sober after years of addiction issues—-Tattoos! Apparently each time he feels the urge to take a bump, he gets some ink. [Page Six]
  
  
• Pink is basically about to beat the shit out of Kanye West because they were both at a fashion show and Kanye kept bitching about the lack of fur in the show and Pink is an animal rights activist or something and so it pissed her off. She could totally take Kanye's bitch-ass any day. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin went to the beach and built tiny castles in the sand all by her own self because Jon can't stand her and was probably at Hooters flirting with the hostess or something. [DListed]
  
  
• Susan Boyle is probably in a straight jacket right now and is destined to be an older, more rumpled version of Amy Winehouse. So sad. [UK Mirror]
  
  
• Kimora Lee Simmons gave birth to a baby boy over the weekend after being sperminated by Djimon Hounsou. [EOnline]

• Alex Rodriguez must be into Madonna again, because he's resumed his hunt for an apartment two blocks away. [P6]
• How does a steakhouse beat the recession? Have artist Julian Schnabel decorate a closet and bill it as the most exclusive private dining space in the city. [P6]
• Woody Allen wasted no time signing Slumdog Millionaire's Freido Pinto to a role in his new movie. Maybe his former "muse" Scarlett Johansson can write a weepy song about it. Or, you know, just cover something by Tom Waits that reasonably approximates her feelings. [Mirror]
• Bernie Madoff's wife totally scammed a deli owner into selling her the Post at half price. [P6]
• Mario Batali denied calling a rowdy South Beach food festival crowd "weasel fuckwads," but more and more people keep confirming the story to the Post. [P6]
• Sharon Stone and Andre Balazs are apparently an item. [Gatecrasher]
• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have been photographed sitting together on a park bench in Paris. Experts are still debating the deeper meaning and layered symbolism of this encounter.

• On Valentine's weekend, Alex Rodriguez went out with Madonna's friend Ingrid Casares, a model and "three hot chicks." Not that he's trying to prove anything to, say, Madonna and her Brazilian boy toy. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan may be skinny, but she insists she's eating as much as she always has. But then the starlet added, cryptically, "everyone goes through something, and everyone can relate to something." Try that sentence again after a cheeseburger, doll. [Daily Star]
• Sad, broke Michael Jackson is auctioning his signature gloves, a Rolls Royce limo with 24-karat gold "embellishment," a golf cart with a Peter Pan version of himself spray painted on the hood and an oil painting of himself dressed as a king. Also, the gates to his estate. [Mail]
• Heidi Klum on being called "too heavy" for the runway: "Do I look like I care? I really don’t think about [it]." [Gatecrasher]
• The publicist fired for taking Ashley Dupre to Yigal Azriel's fashion show, Kelly Cutrone, is being nice to the former hooker out of the goodness of her heart, and not because Cutrone has a reality show forthcoming on Bravo. Although if you want to go ahead and plug Dupre's forthcoming album, the flack certainly won't object. [P6]
• Tom Cruise spent time with ex-wife Nicole Kidman and her current husband Keith Urban at the Daytona 500. [ET]

Like Brown, A-Rod saw news of his culpability leaked into the middle of President's Day weekend. But the Yankee slugger's apology was even more obscure, since he didn't release a statement.

News that Rodriguez apologized to SI's Selena Roberts was slipped into the middle of CNN's Reliable Sources as an anonymously-sourced scoop by host Howard Kurtz. How many people do you think were watching when Krutz said this earlier today:

KURTZ: Well, you know, Selena Roberts, who's a former "New York Times" reporter, I am told — and I can report this exclusively — that after that interview Alex Rodriguez called her to apologize.

But let's face it, Gregg, he's never had a great relationship with the press. Many journalists kind of resent him and view him as arrogant.

Not many. Which maybe is the point?

Rodriguez, in case you forgot, accused Roberts, on ESPN no less, of breaking into his home, being thrown out of his apartment and being cited for trespassing at the University of Miami. Roberts immediately denied everything and her editors backed her.

Roberts might have a decent libel suit on her hands, but suing would overshadow the book she's working on about the athlete, and hugely complicate her ability to cover him for SI. So she'll probably just accept the apology, and maybe leak word of it to, say, Howard Kurtz.

• Alex Rodriguez's ex-wife is helping him through his steroid scandal, and Madonna is not happy. Who knows more about unhuman musculature than she does? [Gatecrasher]
• Some misguided woman in Los Angeles is suing Miley Cryus over the star's stretched-back eyelid picture. The suit seeks damages for 1 million Asian Americans. TMZ says this means "Asians Want $4 Billion From Miley Cyrus." Yes, because Asians are part of a monolithic borg. Cyrus is 16 years old; what's your excuse, TMZ? [TMZ]
• Mickey Rourke has maybe been secretly dating Courtney Love for three weeks. Try not to think about it. [Mirror]
• Kurt Cobain's writings were seen by a select group of publishers before selling for $4 million. So Mike Tyson figures if his writings are only circulated to a select group... [P6]
• After eliminating his contributions to Daily News worker retirement, Mort Zuckerman enjoyed a nice lunch at the Four Seasons. Cutting is a strenuous activity. [P6]
• Kate Hudson installed a stripper pole in her bathroom. She's very proud. [Scoop]
• People won't stop looking at Kate Moss and wondering if she's pregnant. [Sun]
• Michael Jackson may have a terrible skin-eating infection. [Sun]
• Lindsay Lohan was photographed carrying two pizza boxes, scientific proof she is eating enough food. [Mail]
• Here's a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow looking ridiculous is leather schoolboy shorts. [Daily Mail]

• John Mayer is thinking of giving Jennifer Aniston a song for her 40th birthday, someone told People. Um, nice try, someone else (ahem) told OK!, but John will be giving Jen an engagement ring, or he can pack his things and leave, already.
• Let's mock Sarah Jessica Parker's "hoof shoes," REAL FUNNY GATECRASHER GUYS. We get it. She looks like a horse. You were obviously chomping at the bit to trot this sort of humor out, but maybe you could move beyond mare appearance jokes? Yea or neighhhh? [Gatecrasher]   
• Sure, Chris Brown is rumored to have split Rihanna's lip, left contusions on her face and choked her to unconsciousness. But you should see what Rihanna's flack did to Page Six! It was downright shameful. [P6]
• Prince Harry was a terrible racist again, telling a comedian at Prince Charles' 60th birthday, "You don't sound like a black chap." Harry has probably already told his friends he's now done trying to give compliments, no one appreciates them. [Sun]
• Now that Alex Rodriguez is the steroid-scandal whipping boy, Jose Canseco figures it's safe to shop his reality show idea. Nice to see he's moved beyond one morally bankrupt, money-making celebrity fad, right into another. [P6]
• Andy Serwer will teach you how to fake being the editor of Fortune, based on his own first-hand experience. [P6]
• OK! can't even post good sales when its competitors are physically removed from Wal-Mart stores. [Scoop]

In October 2003, Rodriguez, then playing with the Texas Rangers, allegedly "invited" Marlon Portillo into his home to lay carpet. Portillo claimed Rodriguez's dog Gypsy bit him. (Gypsy, a black German Shepherd with some wolf blood, died of cancer in 2004; that same year, Rodriguez joined the New York Yankees in a trade.)

Portillo filed his suit October 2007, nearly four years later, right before the statute of limitations would have run out. As of last summer, the suit was heading for trial. But according to public record-sifting P.I. Joseph Culligan, Portillo's lawyer told another reporter yesterday afternoon that it had been settled and that nothing more could be said about it, but that Portillo was "happy" with the result — which suggests that the parties reached a settlement which included a confidentiality clause. Reached by phone Monday evening, Portillo declined to comment. His lawyer did not return a message left for him.

A confidentiality clause is a routine step in legal settlement with a celebrity, if just to prevent the size of the settlement from getting out. Except for this: In December 1998, Miami police cited Portillo for a prostitution misdemeanor. Charges were dropped, according to records obtained by Culligan, and posted on Webofdeception.com. Florida law labels both paying for sex and offering sex for money as "prostitution," but Culligan says Portillo told him last summer that he was the one offering sex.

(Photo by Getty Images)

Rodriguez has reason to trump up charges against SI, which broke news of his steroid use Saturday, forcing the slugger's public admission of (some) guilt, and his apology. And the writer he complained about, Selena Roberts, strongly denied his accusation.

Accused stalker Roberts did have a reputation years ago of getting "carried away" — but only when it came to her writing. When Roberts was at the New York Times, prior to joining SI in 2007, her very purple prose was praised as "heart-stopping" and "incandescent" by executive editor Joseph Lelyveld. New York thought her sentences "occasionally overwrought" but still found her "the best sportswriter in town." And, at the other end of the spectrum from Lelyveld, some random fellow (*cough*) at the Observer quipped, "Sweetheart, get me rewrite!"

None of which is to say Roberts was as over the top in her Rodriguez reporting. In an ESPN interview, the athlete claimed Roberts stalked him, was cited by Miami Beach police for breaking into his home last week while his daughters were sleeping, was thrown out of his New York apartment and was thrown out of the University of Miami for trespassing. SI said it stood by the story "and the professional manner in which it was reported."

And Roberts' denial cut to the chase:

"The allegations made by Alex Rodriguez are absurd," said Roberts, in the statement. "I've never set foot in the lobby of Alex's New York apartment building, never spoken to the University of Miami police, and never set foot on his home property or been cited by the Miami Police for doing so."

It sounds like Rodriguez is going to have to find some other way of distracting people from his problems. Given his proven ability to get onto the front of the tabloids, we're sure he'll think of something.

• Alex Rodriguez is not that into Donna Karan. Yet. But she can follow him around, hopefully, while he follows Karan's Kabbalah buddy Madonna around, hopefully. [P6]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt and fiancé Ross McCall broke up over the holidays. The Ghost Whisperer star prefers to think of it as crossing the Scottish actor over. [People]
• Patricia Arquette, the "Medium" star and Nicolas Cage ex, filed for divorce from Thomas Jane. Apparently four-year engagements don't bode well for the future. [Enquirer]
• The Daily News will have you know that Jeremy Piven used to be nearly BALD. In 1995. (Photos or GTFO.) [Gatecrasher]
• Paris Hilton promised to name her first girl "London" and threatened to move to the UK so her kids have "British accents and manners." [Sun]
• USA Today founder Al Neuharth's journalism charity is giving money to a Florida adoption agency. Sure, his ex-wife runs it, but orphan journalists don't place themselves. [P6]
• Spike Lee is "on welfare" compared to real rich people. "Rich is Spielberg. Lucas. Gates. Steve Jobs. Jay-Z!" Poor guy flew to the Bahamas in coach. [P6]
• If you're going to foreclose on Ed McMahon, you're going to have to get past his attack poodle. [TMZ]

Best:

9. Boston Globe reporter tells married source "Don't shave" — This was almost a non-scandal, just a stale affair that happened in Miami the year before. But the emails! "I haven't shaven since I left Miami. Thought you would like that image :)"

8. Jared Paul Stern's wife cheats, there are pictures — At first we couldn't believe the former Page Six gossip writer's wife would have sex with a random business partner, but then there were photos. As if getting fired from the Post amid nasty extortion allegations wasn't sad enough on husband Stern. Tragic.

7. "Steve Ratner has paid my wife $500,000.00 to leave me." — The head of private equity at Credit Suisse was driven from his job by a man whose wife he slept with. The guy spammed a tawdry tale of humiliation into newspaper comments sections. A sympathetic feature in the Times only deepened the humiliation. The internet is to blame, as always.

6. Lara Logan, CBS News' Iraq-based homewrecker — She was a correspondent in Iraq, slept with a contractor named Joe Burkett (and this other guy, who works for CNN!) and then got pregnant. The first guy's wife was not happy. There was something about sexism and double standards but, really, it was just all awful and every involved came out looking pretty terrible, Logan very much included.

5. The "redneck" father of Bristol Palin's baby — Tobacco-chewing, self-described redneck Levi Johnston, 18, knocked up Sarah Palin's daughter right before Palin was named John McCain's running mate. His mere existence was a scandal to the coastal elites, who looked at him and were all "eww," especially during the convention. He still hasn't married Bristol like he promised!

4. Max Mosley's Nazi- or prison-themed S&M orgy tape — News of the World had five hours of video in which a British racing boss is disciplined by German-speaking women in some kind of make-believe prison-camp. Mosley denied it was a Nazi thing and won a suit against the tabloid for invasion of privacy. When will America learn to manufacture a proper, quality sex scandal with elaborate bondage and tons of video?

3. Madonna and A-Rod — They claim not to have slept together while Alex Rodriguez was married, but Madonna was, at the very least, emotionally close enough to the Yankees slugger to be named an "other woman" in his wife's divorce proceeding. The couple also felt the ned to meet at a New York restaurant in secret. Then, after the divorce, they flew all over the world together.

Maybe they really do just study Kaballah and stare at each other, but isn't Madonna getting kind of old for these games? Wait, sorry, that was sexist.

2. John Edwards cheats on his cancer-stricken wife, lies about it — Sure, other politicians have cheated on their sick wives and gone on to distinguished careers, but Edwards lied to the press, ran from National Enquirer reporters and hid in a bathroom, delayed any explanation for weeks and then issued a fishy, limited admission that, yes, he did screw former campaign videographer Rielle Hunter. But that love child isn't his!

No one's really convinced, and by delaying the inevitable Edwards became a political non-entity at the precise time his populist, anti-corporate message looked more prescient than ever.

1. Gov. Eliot Spitzer and his prostitute, Ashley Dupre, are busted — Many people enjoyed the comeuppance of Mr. Holy McSmartypants, the former Wall Street-busting state attorney general turned arrogant governor. The feds got him, for whoring.

One of Spitzer's hookers, Ashley Youmans (stage name Ashley Alexandra Dupre, hooker name "Kristen") had a MySpace account, had made video for Girls Gone Wild as a teenager, had a song on the internet, for sale and had made a music video. Everything was in place to explode her story.

Like Edwards. Spitzer, too, was ahead of the curve in calling out the rotting uselessness of then-respected American financial institutions . Oh well.

Worst:

• Miley Cyrus wears lipstick in Vanity Fair, let's panic: She's wearing only bedsheet at age 15! Sex! Aggggh! She's a terrible role model and probably a witch! No wait, that Jewish lesbian mystic hypnotized her and instilled devil sensuality into her! Actually, it turns out she's been doing silly sorta sexual poses with her cameraphone, on MySpace, for various boyfriends forever, and she quickly acquired a 20-year-old man, and then said she'd love to work with Annie Leibovitz again.
• John McCain maybe sexed a lobbyist, on a jet: The Times stuttered and stammered this accusation over months, and then couldn't bring itself to even make it. God. Like there were no other, more solid McCain scandals to go after?
• Sarah Palin cheated on her husband: Ya, that one really panned out decisively. It's actually pretty heartening that Katie Couric's old-fashioned journalism on old-fashioned topics is what made the difference. Not that sex isn't a relevant issue, but, come on: path of least resistance.
• Cindy McCain kisses another man!: They couldn't get this out before the election was over? At least then it might have drummed up some interest. Nothing has been heard about it since. Even if it pans out: Depressing.

• Madonna is supposedly getting "ficando" in Rio with a Brazilian model named Jesus. This means they can get it on with no strings attached while sad stupid Alex Rodriguez quietly studies Kabbalah or whatever. [Sun]
• Go ahead and hide behind your secret shops and unmarked bags, rich plutocrats. Bruce Springsteen isn't ashamed to shop at Barney's, head held high, like a proper, blue-collar rich person. [P6]
• Sorry poors, but the economic implosion is working out great for Mary-Kate Olsen. "That's where I got this! The recession!" [P6]
• This can't be a real picture of Katie Holmes looking "worryingly pale and tired" as she burns out on Broadway raising her kids while acting in her play. [Mirror]
• Penelope Cruz was late for a London screening of "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." Then she ran to her suite to change, so Havey Weinstein yelled, "Tell her to get her f***ing ass here right now!" [Mirror]
• Russell Crowe is fighting with Ridley Scott, on a movie set, over being told "'he's too fat and that he can't show up four hours late." [P6]
• These topless pictures of Amy Winehouse are not as disturbing as you might think. She's put on some needed weight. And does not appear high! [Daily Mail NSFW]
• Actor Fisher Stevens will totally vouch for Jeremy Piven on the mercury poisoning thing. He had it, until he cut back to only "small fish." [P6]

• Tom Cruise reportedly chose to hold the Valkyrie premier at Jazz at Lincoln Center specifically to foil anti-Scientology protests. The venue has no big outdoor red carpet to disrupt. As a surprise bonus for Cruise, demonstrators thought "Jazz at..." was still at Lincoln Center (as opposed to Time Warner Center). [Scoop]
• David Letterman invited Jay Leno to come on Late Show as a guest back when it looked like Leno would be leaving NBC. Leno declined because it would hurt Conan O'Brien's feelings. [Times]
• Madonna will bring her kids to Britain for Christmas to be with ex-husband Guy Ritchie, but only if she also gets to bring Alex Rodriguez along as well. As, you know, a "friend." [Sun]
• Marc Jacobs enjoyed a dignified night out with his longtime boyfriend. MAN BITES DOG WTF?! [P6]
• Ryan Phillippe is going to Australia for a family Christmas with the actress he met while still married to Reese Witherspoon, lending the movie-set romance an even greater degree of Brangelinism. [P6]
• Axl Rose promises to promote his new record late next year, when it won't be new anymore. Just to kinda screw with his record label some more. [Sun]
• A hospital agreed to pay Dennis Quaid $750,000 for giving an overdose of blood thinner to his newborn twins. [AP]