"Seeking A Candidate? Vote For A Journalist"

The headline of this post is also the actual headline of a story in the New York Sun today. We didn't even change it, because it was already funny! The peppy little broadsheet reasons that since London just elected an ex-journalist as mayor, hey, why not here? And the neocon paper rounds up the very cream of the city's third-tier columnist crop to explain why such a feat be might hard for a member of the embittered, self-important writing class to pull off: because columnists "have too much integrity." More »

Alicia Colon Shocker: Not All Muslims Terrorists, Towelheads

"I found it comforting to learn from Mr. Taylor that, of the 1.3 billion Muslims in the world, 85% to 90% are traditional, non-radical believers. They belong to different ethnic groups, and only 20% live in Arab countries." —Sun columnist Alicia Colon, upon meeting her very first Muslim. [NYSun]

Sun columnist Alicia Colon: "Most Hollywood films are sympathetic to the plight of women and teenagers caught in unwanted pregnancies. The abortion providers are saintly figures such as Michael Caine in "The Cider House Rules," for which he won an Academy Award in 1999. When a film comes along that might stir some misgiving about the loss of values in our society it's met with resistance..." Yeah, everyone remembers how they buried Knocked Up, right? [NYS]

Ignorant 'Sun' Columnist Reassures Jews That She Will Not Convert Them

We have a half-developed theory that the Catholic Church's rejection of the Latin Mass in the wake of Vatican II - which instructed priests to perform the ceremony in the language of its parishioners and face the congregation, as opposed to previous practice - was a reaction to the aggressive bebop stylings of the late fifties and early sixties, where the players turned their back on the crowds and performed music that was more difficult to understand. Like a lot of the crap we spout off about, the whole idea is sort of ridiculous and without merit, but, whatever, it's not like we're shouting it out in a major metropolitan daily or anything. Because that would make us, you know, Alicia Colon. More »

Alicia Colon Can't Even Understand 'Charlotte's Web'

Alicia Colon, our favorite crank at The Sun, has been blogging up a storm of late. It's all the crazy you've come to expect from Alicia, condensed into bite-size bits of batshittery. Call us traditionalists, but we prefer to get our nutty natterings in full-length column form. What's she on about today? Oh, distorting a classic of children's literature! Neat! More »

When Alicia Colon Paints Her Masterpiece

Colon, Alicia, Four, marker on paper (detail) More »

Alicia Colon Sings Her Songs of Love, Fecundity

So much to enjoy in the most recent Alicia Colon column (particularly the description of ludicrous polemicist Mark Steyn as "a handsome male Cassandra preaching to deaf European ears"). But it's the poetry of this passage that really got to us:

By the time I was pregnant with my third child, I was getting nasty looks whenever I walked to First Avenue from my Waterside apartment with a swollen belly and my two sons in a double stroller. I'm sure many strangers were under the mistaken impression that their tax dollars were funding our existence and resented my obvious fecundity.

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'Sun' Takes Brave Stand In Favor Of Obscenity

While many have chosen to disparage the massive bonuses "earned" by Wall Street figures this year, the stout souls at the New York Sun, whose failure to produce a financially viable business model has surely engendered their respect for any sort of fiscal acumen, take a stand for the billionaires. In an editorial yesterday, the paper declared that,

News of a good year, performance-wise, at Goldman Sachs and of compensation to match for the firm's employees and executives has set some of our competitors — and no doubt, plenty of other New Yorkers — into singing carols of socialism. The New York Post's Sean Delonas, one of the great humorists in town, drew a cartoon, published in the paper, depicting the Goldman bankers as common criminals, complete with bandit masks. It's something to imagine Rupert Murdoch reading that over his cornflakes in the apartment on Fifth —

Wait a second, did they just call Sean Fucking Delonas "one of the great humorists in town"? Holy fuck, we finally understand why Alicia Colon has a column in this paper: The people who publish it are morons. More »

Alicia Colon Loves Jews, Even The Impecunious Ones

In her latest Letter from Locoland, Sun columnist Alicia Colon takes a strong stand against religious bigotry:

Christ is the reason for the season, and for time immemorial it was a joyous occasion celebrated by people of all faiths. The anti-Semites who blame the Jews for the war against Christmas are targeting the wrong individuals. Religious Jews have never objected to our celebration. After all, Irving Berlin wrote "White Christmas," and most of the great Christmas films of old were made by Hollywood studios headed by Jews.

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Alicia Colon: Gays Shop at Target

We don't spend a lot of time wondering what boggles Sun columnist/Staten Island superpatriot Alicia Colon's mind (offhand we're guessing logic, adding numbers without using her fingers, and the ability of a Thermos to keep liquids hot or cold), but yesterday an opportunity came up to watch one of the five boroughs' brightest minds in action. In the course of a column where she speculated that Wal-Mart's recent financial difficulties stemmed from customer disapproval of that corporation's membership in the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, Colon muses: More »

'Sun' Essayist's Streak Of Well-Reasoned Polemics Continues

We say this about pretty much every Alicia Colon column, but today's dispatch from the trenches of Lunatic City must really be read in its entirety so that you can appreciate the sheer insanity displayed therein. Alicia tackles the charged topic of gun control (SPOILER: she's agin' it) with her standard rhetorical method of support for her argument: interspersing one or two well-known historical events with anecdotal examples from her personal life. More »

Ketchup-Loving Crazy Here To Teach You Black Folks About Reconstruction

Remember how, during the 2004 presidential race, there was that idiot rumor that buying Heinz ketchup would somehow aid the Kerry campaign? And remember how a couple of clever entrepreneurs, banking on the craziness and paranoia of the extreme right wing, put out a rival "W Ketchup"? We always wondered who was dumb enough to fall for it. Thanks to today's Sun, we know of at least one satisfied costumer. That's right, it's our old friend Alicia Colon:

Naturally, I ordered a case of W ketchup, and later a W cap, bumper stickers, and decals. It was just a gesture of support for President Bush's reelection, but the ketchup was a real surprise that was enjoyed by everybody in my family.

In the course of a column where Alicia spends some time with the ketchup's creators (two fine young men who "have the type of esprit de corps that molded our Founding Fathers."), Staten Island's defender of the faith drops a little history on us: More »

Alicia Colon Also Prepared To Defend Puppies, Flowers

At the conclusion of a column where she calls out Andrea Peyser for using the president of "an abortion mill" as an example of a good adoptive parent (contra Madonna) and offers thanks that the illegal masses teeming through our borders are it least Christians, resident Sun crank Alicia Colon finally cuts through the thicket of ethical issues surrounding abortion and adoption. Her proclamation? More »

Alicia Colon: What Black People Should Do Now

Been a while since we checked in with resident Sun crazy lady Alicia Colon. What's she on about today? More »