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altarcations
The Inevitable Fate Of Amanda Congdon's Glorious Rack
It doesn't matter if you're black or white. Or gay or straight. What matters is that you're single, and the happy couples of the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday NYT aren't. Professional P.Y.T. Phyllis Nefler's on the case: More »
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By Foster KamerComment by BookishLookish: I am the least snobby person on the planet--I met my husband at Coney Island High on St. Mark's Place... 5 Responses | Other threads
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altarcations
Shot Through The Heart
It's 9:30 PM, do you know where your biological clock is? Phyllis Nefler does. It's somewhere in the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday 'New York Times,' and TICKING LIKE THIS. Pledge Phy Nef and watch the score: More »
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By Foster KamerComment by Pad Krapao: shit, i wish my wedding were officiated by provost salovey's moustache [yalemedicine.yale.edu] 1 Responses | Other threads
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weddings
Happily Ever After
On Tuesday, the New York Times' hosted a party for same-sex couples whose weddings have been featured in the Times' Weddings pages. Out.com has a wonderful, picturesque gallery of the attendees (including former NJ Governor Jim McGreevy). [Out.com
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By Foster KamerComment by stanhalen: Okay, heres the part that grosses everybody out big time.. These two in a shit faced drunk honeymoon 69. Finger fucking. Ass... 8 Responses | Other threads
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nuptials
The Least Salacious Hookers With Rock N' Roll Story You'll Read This Week, But A Sweet One No Less
File under "Probably Not In This Week's Altarcations": the founder of "Hookers For Jesus" and some guy in a Christian rock band got married in Vegas. The name of the band? "Stryper." +4 [CNN]
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By Foster KamerComment by JesseFenderburg: that's pronounced "striper," as in, "by his stripes, we are healed," and please don't hate me because I know that.... 2 Responses | Other threads
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altarcations
The Chilean Ski Slopes Are Alive with the Sound of Music
Each week, the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday 'New York Times' features twos becoming ones and halves becoming wholes and reminds you how poor/lonely/lost you are; to help, we score them! Your host is chronic bouquet-catcher and numerologist Phyllis Nefler. More »
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By Foster KamerComment by bowel_and_the_obstructors: You should match these up against the Post's wedding announcements. 5 Responses | Other threads
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altarcations
Scoring Sunday Nuptials: Her Daddy Made Me Do It
We're bringing back a Gawker tradition of yore: scoring the highfalutin', inferiority-complex inflating Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday 'New York Times.' Your host? High-society mole, street anthropologist, and all-around lady: Phyllis Nefler. More »
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By Foster KamerComment by BxgrlJeri: People who get married on Memorial Day weekend are sick and twisted individuals involved in secret and sinister anti-American plots. 7 Responses | Other threads
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altarcations
Cougar Bride Apparently Ageless
Rebecca Gomez of Fox Business's Happy Hour, 41, married a 31-year-old gentleman last weekend. Not that we'd know that from reading their NYT wedding announcement—as Portfolio points out, her age isn't listed in the announcement, although his is... (The Times' policy is to list the ages of both bride and groom.) [Portfolio]
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By SheilaComment by Minsley Tortimer: do you think... she bought him those teeth? and maybe a bigger penis? caught that's kinda the 'enzyte' commercial... 3 Responses | Other threads
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altarcations
That Nanny Diaries Girl Just Got Married; Why Haven't You?
Nicola Kraus, 33, who co-wrote the Nanny Diaries (later a Scarlett Johansson film!) with Emma McLaughlin, is in the Vows section of the Times this Sunday. She used to date "toxic freak shows," she says—but now she's married to a cute guy, David Wheir, so that's all behind her. Up until her wedding, she was suffering from that modern problem of being successful in every area but love (just like the main character in every chick-lit book!) More » -
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altarcations
Media Wedding of the Year
Yesterday marked the merger of two rising lieutenants in Manhattan's Media Mafia as The New York Observer's Spencer Morgan and Vanity Fair executive fashion editor Alexis Bryan were married in Houston. But just who are these two newlyweds, really? More »
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Comment by gladys_kravitz: I want to know, was Anna there? What did she wear? Did she remove the sunglasses? more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Wedding Announcements So Compelling They Made A Movie
We are not particularly proud of the fact that we saw 27 Dresses over the weekend, but it's a fact and what's done is done. (Here's the trailer, to the left.) Shame and guilt aside, the weddings section of a New York Journal is prominently featured throughout the movie. Katherine Heigl's obsessed and cuts out her favorite wedding write-ups and saves them; her love interest played by James Marsden is the Journal's lead wedding writer. As such, a much-needed bit relevancy was bestowed upon this feature. Take that, South Carolina primaries! After the jump, Altarcations' awards for the best and worst wedding announcements in yesterday's Times. More »
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By AlexisssComment by RatATatKat: Actually, G Funk stands for Gefilte Funk, which is truly terrible indeed. But hey, we like to laugh at ourselves. For... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Multi-ethnic-est Couple And Other Awards
Alexis Swerdloff hands out awards to the couples who celebrated their nuptials with a write-up this weekend in the New York Times. More » -
altarcations
Alixandra Smith & Daniel Richenthal Are A Success!
The Weddings and Celebrations in the Sunday 'New York Times' are a textual analysis-rebuffing, context-free and statistically random series of events described objectively that have nothing to do with the fact that you're single and still using that one dirty towel after you shower. You HUMAN FILTH. Intern Alexis judges the vows.
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By aswerdloffComment by whatahoot: Yeah, the insert about Brookie was in extremely poor taste. Isn't that a violation of HIPPA? Even though she died? more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Douglas O'Connor And Jeanne Conway Are Happier Than You
The Weddings and Celebrations pages of the Sunday 'New York Times' don't have to be read. You can totally pass it by! Then you won't feel bad that you had Wheat Thins for dinner all alone last night and let your ex-boyfriend sleep over last week, you unmarriageable piece of mess!
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By aswerdloffComment by GirlCat: OK, Alexis, I know you're kinda young, but your editors aren't. Can someone explain why a couple featuring a mother named... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Martha Sutphen And Richard Stock Have Something To Sort Out
The weekly Weddings and Celebrations section in the 'New York Times' is your guide to who is superior to you—and who is worse than whom. But don't you know: They're all winners, because they're newly-married, and you're single again, or thinking about a divorce, and just generally losing all the time. It's like the brilliant Ann Magnuson always said: Maybe you should have married Junior, the Vietnam vet parking attendant! Would it be so bad?
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By aswerdloffComment by NotAHipster: "Bronxvile"--is that supposed to be a mispelling? In any case, I like. more » | Other threads
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things i learned at thanksgiving dinner
Remember that guy A.O. Scott, the Times critic we gave thanks for on Wednesday? This is what I found out about him at Thanksgiving. First, he's the son of Joan Wolloch Scott and Donald Scott. She is the smart-sounding Harold F. Linder Professor at the School of Social Science in the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, NJ. Donald Scott is the less-smart sounding (but equally smart) Professor of American History at CUNY. But you could get all that you could get from Wikipedia. This, you can't: On A.O. Scott's wedding day ten or so years ago BOTH his parents announced they were gay. Apparently smart people can have bad timing. This also explains A.O.'s very tortured and complex relationship with Margot at the Wedding!
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By Joshua SteinComment by Seeräuber Jenny: @Dwayne Provecho: I noticed that. So how does a son of such a person sit through Norbit and conclude... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Susanne Nifong and Benjamin Baker Really Love Horses
The Weddings and Celebrations pages of the New York Times are where we go to feel bad about not being on the boards of charitable organizations or having 'IV' after our names. And also, today, where we go to feel bad that no one has ever proposed to us in the presence of a horse.
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By aswerdloffComment by Charlotte Rae's Web: No she's not Mike Nifong's daughter. more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Whitney Rice And Edward Childs Are Cuckoo For Connecticut
The Weddings and Celebrations pages of the 'New York Times' are where the elite announce their TRIUMPH. They did it—they beat you, they beat poverty and, for now, usually, they even beat cancer. Our Intern Alexis picks a winner among the winners.
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By aswerdloffComment by scroll_lock: Franc and Al: their lives became a double feature- that alone should have guaranteed them the crown and scepter. Can we... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Greg Lindsay And Sophie Donelson Almost Have It All
The Weddings and Celebrations announcements in the 'New York Times' are a battlefield. Everyone there must stand alone. And no one, not even our Intern Alexis, can tell these people that they're wrong. They are trapped by their love and chained to each others' side.
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By aswerdloffComment by OnAHeartbeatGlide: @Gayatrispivak: LOL - "jock"?? You must be thinking of EMORY, not Emerson. We don't have any of those here. Cokeheads and... more » | Other threads
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trends
Divorce Is The New Marriage
A recent mass-emailed divorce announcement made Salon's Nora Zelevansky and her boyfriend "feel like intruders, as if we were guests at a wedding for anyone other than our dearest friends and family." But these emails, and the attendant divorce parties and ceremonies, are becoming de rigeur. "Some divorcees embrace announcements and parties as a way to put the word out on their own terms and with their own public spin," Nora writes, explaining that "Christine Gallagher, the Los Angeles author of 'The Divorce Party Planner,' agrees that 'The tone of the announcement can speak volumes about what happened, so that others don't feel it's an unmentionable subject.' Perhaps Robert Olen Butler, the recently-jilted author of a Pulitzer-winning book and also the craziest email we've ever seen, could have benefited from Christine's book! She also "believes a theme party is key to salving the soul."
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By Emily GouldComment by BalknChain: No, I think it's The Flight 90-Something-Or-Other Alzheimer's Crop Circles For the Cure more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Victoria Lim And Peter Sheren Got Married Three Times
Do you believe in love? Perhaps you do! But you totally definitely believe in money. Because it's very hard to love when you have no money and you're hungry! The Weddings and Celebrations section of the 'New York Times' is where money and love meet, and where our Intern Alexis finds that in the mix, someone always comes out the winner.
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altarcations
Samantha Gregory & Roberto Benabib Are High On Love
Great news! Did you know that the Weddings and Celebrations section of the 'New York Times' exists to transform you on a lazy Sunday afternoon from Kathy Griffin to Cathy Guisewite? It's true! Studies show that reading what we used to call 'Vows' actually sets your internal feminism and self-esteem clocks back eight years. Anyhoo, put down that Ben & Jerry's, unloved fatty, and let's see who won the battle of the marriages this week!
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By aswerdloffComment by PRIsNotJournalism: there should be a category for extraneous, non-sensical job titles that are lengthy to sound haughty. +10 more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Sarah Jewett & Brian Smith Are Totally Out Of Steps
Every week, the New York Times' Weddings and Celebrations section lets you know which powerful, rich, famous, and/or attractive people are joining like in holy matrimony and the conspiracy to grind your hopes and dreams to dust. And every week, our Intern Alexis subjects the happy couples to her tough-but-fair rating system.
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By aswerdloffComment by kbe: well i know it's not so super cool to like these folks, but i went to the wedding of sarah... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Virginia Boyd And J. B. Lockhart IV Will Share Her Steamship Inheritance
"The concept of marriage must have been thought up by an unimaginative pig," Albert Einstein once said. Every week, Intern Alexis reads the Times' Weddings And Celebrations section to see who's still buying the concept, and, by extension, each other. More »
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By Emily GouldComment by ellewoods: "So that's what I need to become to be Warner's wife.""What? Mildly deformed??" more » | Other threads
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altarcations
WASP Fight: Daisy Wademan And Luc Dowling Are Whiter Than Thou
Each week, Intern Alexis demonstrates what we know to be true: That the Weddings and Celebrations section of the 'New York Times' is for faux-starry-eyed future-divorcees who are setting themselves up for current social status and future windfall divorce settlements. Here's to them! More »
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By ChoireComment by scroll_lock: How many points for being a direct descendent of Manny and Ruth Rosenblum of Boca, proprietors of Manny's Deli? What do... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Amy Bloom & Brian Ameche Are Nobody's Chattel
Each week, Intern Alexis surveys the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Times and subjects them to her patented rating scale so that we might know who is best preparing to be well-set-up after their divorces. "Bourgeois marriage is, in reality, a system of wives in common," wrote Marx. Hence we pay attention to the weddings so that we may know who will later be exchanging wives and each others' money at the same time.
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By aswerdloffComment by realnicegirl: Yeah, shout out to Andy and Summit High School. Hey we were all retards in high school. more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Josiah Hornblower And Jocelyn Hunter Were 'Born Rich'
Every week, Intern Alexis combs the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Times and clues us into which members of the elite class are pooling their resources. This week's column is a day late cause she was at a wedding over the weekend! Alanic. More »
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By aswerdloffComment by shockcorridor9: Okay first comment audition. I agree with the comment that nobody with a pile of inherited wealth is worth anything... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Seth Mnookin Gets Mnarried
Every week, Intern Alexis combs the Times' Weddings and Celebrations section, seeing which notables have joined the ranks of the marrieds. Good luck to all these poor suckers; we're certain they will all be posting on messageboards about their issues with "DH" in no time. More »
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By aswerdloffComment by DonPardoCalrissian: Yeah but Sam Sheridan could kick all their asses. more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Elizabeth Goldhirsh & Eric Yellin Met On J-Date
Each week, the 'New York Times' publishes wedding announcements from the newsworthy set. While it's true that you'll never find love and eventually you'll wind up settling for whoever's left, your sad little dreams put to a terrible end in some dingy rented hall that was the only place you and the schmuck you wound up with could afford, it's still nice to know that good things can happen to other, better people. Intern Alexis tallies the score from Vowland. More »
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By aswerdloffComment by Charlotte Rae's Web: Only new money has to tell you they have it and start their own foundations. With old real money, you know... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Donnie Andrews & Fran Boyd Believe In Third Acts
Every darn week, the wedding announcements in the 'New York Times' asks you to celebrate all that is good and right in the world. Let our Intern Alexis remind you that love is like a grenade of happiness, tossing limbs of joy everywhere in a hot red spray of love-blood! More »
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By ChoireComment by lovely nigerienne: They let colored people on here now? For shame. And they're old. more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Sarah Luskin & Kenan Stern Ski Together
Each week, the 'New York Times' publishes wedding announcements from the newsworthy set. Why do they make you so bitter, you horrible little nitpicker? Why can't you just be happy for them? What's wrong with you? Intern Alexis breaks down who won in the Land Of Vows. More »
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By aswerdloffComment by MimiJudith: How does the New York Times choose who gets placed in this section? Do they get lots of submissions that... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Do-Gooding Lawyers Alison Sclater and Wells Dixon Will Save Us All
Every week, when the Times devotes a section to informing you that some people who are richer and smarter and just all around better than you are have found their soulmate lifepartners, Intern Alexis surveys the damage and tallies up the totals. Also, in case you were wondering? No, you'll never find anyone. Anyone good enough, at least. More »
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By Emily GouldComment by arserahmer: You guys have hit this dead on. A friend forwarded me the link because I dated Allison for a few... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Journalist Couples Stung By WASPs
Every week, Intern Alexis studies the Times' Weddings and Celebrations section so she can tell us who's winning the game of life. Usually, it's the rich white people who come from money! Imagine. More » -
altarcations
Meghan O'Rourke And James Surowiecki Win Forever
Every week, Intern Alexis tallies up the points earned by couples vainglorious enough (or Times-employed enough! Awww!) to have little biographical blurbs about themselves in the Styles section. This week, Slate literary editor, Paris Review poetry editor and lauded poet Meghan O'Rourke and New Yorker staffer James Surowieki totally won. How could they not? You can all stop dating now! More »
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By Emily GouldComment by passthesalt: @VenusCloacina: Sharon Olds? SHARON OLDS? If there were any justice in the world, Sharon Olds would choke to... more » | Other threads
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we get letters
Laurel Touby's Dad Does Not Hate Gay Pimps!
Yesterday, we noticed a column by Mediabistro queen and new millionaire Laurel Touby's dad, Frank Touby, from something called The Bulletin, which is up in Torontonia, in Greater Canadia. We called it "a great lunch read"—it's about how gay newspapers are pimping in the flesh trade. Apparently Frank did not appreciate our praise, and has written to let us know how much he does not appreciate it! More » -
altarcations
Super WASPs Emily Johnston & Matthew Adler Are Half Jew
Every darn week, the New York Times Weddings and Celebrations section reminds you that you're either not nuptialed or not nuptialed well enough. So each week Intern Alexis helps us pay ironic or sincere tribute to the victors of the game of love! More » -
altarcations
Susan Amble and Michael Higgins Do Darien Gymnasts Proud
Each week, the New York Times' Weddings and Celebrations section records the funny ways in which rich people with advanced degrees meet and perpetuate their hegemonic control of our society. Intern Alexis is here to help sort the triscuits from the Carr's water crackers. More »
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By Emily GouldComment by jhudspacebolero: Oh, Lordy! I'm a wedding planner and I met this tard and her sour mom. The groom to... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Avery Gardiner And Edwin U Are The Pride Of New England
Every week, Intern Alexis analyzes the results of the Times' Weddings and Celebrations section to figure out who's winning the game of life. Hint: not you! More »
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By aswerdloffComment by DonPardoCalrissian: The homestead of the Gardiner's in Gardiner: http://www.dupontcas will admit I post this in raving jealousy as my cousin... more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Olivia Cowley & Julian Wassenaar Are Scion-tologists
Each week, Intern Alexis tallies up the status indicators of all the couples who've found it necessary to shove their connubial bliss in our faces via the Times Weddings & Celebrations section, so that we can feel superior to them in some small way that we can trick ourselves into thinking is more valuable than material wealth. More »
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By aswerdloffComment by lovely nigerienne: +20 for not taking the last name Putzel. Ewwww. @GinaRomantica: I'm glad you think they're children. I got a... more » | Other threads
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fake altarcations
Minnie Mortimer Lights Up Stephen Gaghan's Life
Intern Alexis had Memorial Day off from doing Altarcations, in which, each week, the contestants (whoops! Celebrants!) in the New York Times Vows section are judged, but it doesn't matter anyway because we all knew who would win this week. More »
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By Emily GouldComment by lovely nigerienne: least. attractive. couple. ever. but they're rich ugly, so it's acceptable. more » | Other threads
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altarcations
Mazel Tov, Cathy Chavkin and Daniel Schmerin!
Each week, Intern Alexis tallies up the status indicators of all the couples who've found it necessary to shove their connubial bliss in our faces via the Times Weddings & Celebrations section, so that we can feel superior to them in some small way that we can trick ourselves into thinking is more valuable than material wealth. More »
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By aswerdloffComment by SurplusJ: No, Emily! It's not so good! I mean, the middle chunk is engaging and all, but the characters... more » | Other threads
altarcations
New York, 12:10 AM
Mon Jul 6
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