You can not fool us putting it behind your left leg. This is nothing more than a camera trick. We know what you're smuggling!

If this were America's Next Top Model, Tyra would say she's giving us "editorial." We know that she's really giving us Silence of the Lambs, because she has her candy tucked between her thighs. She's about to say, "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."

Now she needs a whole arm to keep the nubbin in place. Either that or it's hiding in the shadows. Damn, we thought she was way more hung than that.

Does that mean we don't get another glimpse at the hermaphrodite lady/man parts? Damn you, Gaga! You foiled us again!

1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

• Radar has a WORLD WIDE EXCLUSIVE that Lindsay Lohan was dating the Heath Ledger when he died. The evidence comes from the umpteenth phone conversation that Michael Lohan secretly recorded with family members, then sold to the tabloid site, because he's just that nice of a guy. In it, Dina says, "She was dating Heath when he died.... I would drop her off and they were friends, very, very close, ok?" Leaving aside the very peculiar decision to drop one's chemically- and emotionally-troubled daughter off at a strange older man's home, does that even necessarily sound like dating? But then the conversation gets sad when Dina says she fears Lindsay will "do something like Heath Ledger did" some day. [Radar]
• 
  
• Dina fires back: Michael's betrayal of his family with the phone conversation sales is "unforgivable." Dina, who also regularly sells candid recordings of her children (albeit through lawyer-vetted contracts to reality TV producers) concluded: "My heart is breaking for my children." [E!]
• 
  
• Finally! Definitive evidence that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are wildly in love: A photograph of them holding hands on their way to the airport in Paris! But wait—what if they're just messing with us? There was an entire Gossip Girl plotline about a situation just like this, I think the lesson was something along the liens of "believe everything you see on TV," in which case: Confirmed! Edward and Bella are making babies. [PopSugar]
• 
  
• Even in death, Jacko knew how to spend. Court documents show Michael Jackson blew a milli on his burial, the L.A. Times reports, including $35,000 for the burial outfit (burned during his cremation) and $16,000 on flowers. Janet, the only Jackson with two pennies to rub together, fronted $49,000, a sum that is paltry only in comparison. [LAT]
  [TMZ]
• 
  
• Kate Gosselin respectfully objects to Jon's characterization, on their reality television show, that she must "pull the stick out" of her butt. Looking back, Kate now sees their relationship's doomed fate foretold in that single, sodomitic exhortation: "Perhaps [that] was a sign of things to come." I like to imagine she said it with a sigh. [Us]
• 
  
• Surprise of the year: America's Next Top Model judge and Tyra Banks' gay best friend Miss J. has a seven-year-old son. The mother is a "French lesbian" who had Miss J. and ex-boyfriend Alex jiz in a test tube. [Us]
• 
  
• Halloween star Danielle Harris' stalker is following her again, on Twitter, leading to an interesting quandary: Does that count? Creepster Christopher Small has a restraining order against him until 2012, but now were sort of curious, does following count as making contact? What about retweets? Christopher tweets things he likes about Danielle as "Stalkr-approved :)" which proves that 140 characters is enough to make an innocent female puke on the spot, and also that emoticon smileys can be really sinister in certain contexts. [TMZ]
• 
  
• This might explains why Josh Duhamel thought he could get away with cheating on Fergie: Apparently she didn't know the meaning of "cheating" until a licensed professional explained it her. "I learned through talking with my therapist that it is still cheating even if it's with girls," she explains in the same breath that she admits that she "also love[s] a well-endowed man." [P6]
• 
  
• Shanna Moakler called Khloe Kardashian a "donkey" on Wendy Williams' show, prompting one of Khloe's friends to call Shanna a "dirty whore." Khloe delivered the ultimate insult: "I have no idea who this girl is." If only we could say the same about both of them. [TMZ]

Today we watched Alexander on Tyra give a girl the courage to tell her mother that she is a lesbian. However, by being true to himself and successful for the unique brand of fashion and flair that he brings to the table, Miss J is helping kids come out of the closet every day. He has made a career of teaching people how to walk with their head held high, and that's just what he's doing for gay people, one flouncy step at a time.

Sure, he may only be a flamboyant fixture on a reality television program, but Miss J is bringing gay black street culture to audiences all over the globe and we owe him desperately for that. When little girls in Kansas are shaking their finger and calling something "Fierce," it's not because they've been to the Christopher Street Pier lately. Alexander never had to come out of the closet (like some silver-haired news anchors) because he was never in it. It wasn't easy for a tall sissy from the South Bronx—as he says in his new book Follow the Model—but he was never afraid to be himself and always had the strength to strut his crazy self out in public even when it might not have been the easiest thing to do. Check out his own silly coming out story in the video below.

Alexander won a Teen Choice Award earlier this year, showing that the kids who watch the show think he's great no matter who he sleeps with. But he's not only spreading acceptance among the show's young viewers and serving as a success story. While he may not be the most mainstream role model for young gay men and women, he is certainly one of the best. Coming out isn't easy for anyone, but for those who fit into more stereotypical gender roles, it can be a little bit easier. Miss J is here to stand up for the sissies and the queers and the freaks, and the people who can't hide behind a butch exterior or a little bit of lipstick and just pass as heterosexuals when it's easy or convenient. He is gay with a capital G, and he lets every natural born babygay at home know they're not alone and that they're better off for the special brand of outrageousness that they've been blessed with by their fairy godmother.

Hormones, or something like them were riding high tonight on The CW as the models-to-be faced off. It seemed Erin Wagner embodied the spirits of the unrestrained lioness, impressing the judges with her rat-a-tatting repartee. She was the interviewer receiving the most love, but things went downhill as she went from a full throttle Insider questioning Jessica Lowndes, rising starlet of 90210 fame, to a big crybaby. If you want to keep playing with the big girls Erin, you're gonna have to try a little harder. Stay strong cry-baby, you're only runner up for biggest loser this week. Now go say your teary goodbyes to Rae, who was booted for having a man's name.

To be fair, Mischa—recently out of the crazy bin—is almost the worst part of this new soap, followed closely by Elle Macpherson (looking haggard and acting even worse), but the rest of it managed to be pretty and moody and different and fun! The first scene alone was awesome just for being visually interesting and advancing the action of an all-out model war without being hammy or heavy-handed. Don't get us wrong, it's no Mad Men or The Wire, but the premiere far outdid the new Melrose Place.

Life (sorry, CW, no matter how hard you try, we are not going to let TBL happen) is a bit like Gossip Girl for a slightly older crowd, but with less money and more drugs. Barton plays Sonja, a super model who is on her way out thanks to taking a few months off (we find out later that she ran off to have a baby). Her spotlight is stolen in the first scene by Raina, who also steals the heart of Chris, an Iowa farm boy who gets discovered by a smarmy model agent while on vacation in New York. Chris faces off against Cole, a nasty little model who doesn't want to be unseated as the king of all Blue Steel. Also with the blues,High School Musical's Corbin Bleu is Isaac, a former child model who wants to be a DJ but settles for being a gigolo (three very stable career choices there, Isaac) and Marissa is just hot and British. They all live together in a model house, except Sonja who has money of her own.

But this was a great first episode, quickly establishing the characters and their motives, cluing us in on the secrets to come, engaging in some bitchy duplicity, and having enough sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll to make us come back. Also, it's shot in a great style, that is full of the glamorous darkness that isn't often found outside of nightclubs and fashion magazines.

The show got about 1.5 million viewers which isn't too shabby for the CW, but it lost half of it's America's Next Top Model lead in. Did anyone else check it out? Should we start giving this thing the full recap treatment, or just leave it by the wayside as another fun trifle that can't keep our attention for that long (we're looking at you new 90210)?

• Ha! Here's a dose of reality: The Hills "star" Stephanie Pratt tried to buy a bottle of champagne at a VMA after-party and her credit card was declined. She was later seen crying hysterically. [Page Six]
  
  
• Speaking of "reality," apparently no real socialites want to hang out for Tinsley Mortimer's reality show, so producers are trying to concoct new A-listers to help provide some energy, because Mortimer is not "dynamic" enough to carry the show on her own. That's hardly surprising, but still amusing. [Page Six]
  
  
• There's video of Michael Jackson making the shocking confession that he was a pain killer addict. [The Sun]
  
  
• Jennifer Grey says she will always remember Patrick Swayze — and his arms — with fondness. Funny, because we always heard that they hated one another. [ET]
  
  
• Katy Perry sure does get around — and doesn't have the best taste. The singer was spotted smooching John Mayer last Friday and then, after Sunday's VMA awards, locked lips with Russell Brand. Bleck. We need a mint just thinking about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brittany "Bre" Scullark, a semifinalist on America's Next Top Model, was arrested for disorderly conduct in New York City yesterday and berating another woman at Starbucks. We all have our ugly side, huh? [TMZ]
  
  
• Bea Arthur once described Betty White as a "cunt." If anyone could get away with talking trash about White, it was Arthur. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ouch! Kim Kardashian wanted to meet Gerard Butler, but he told a would-be facilitator "No thanks." [MSNBC]
  
  
• Oh no! Elton John announced he wanted to adopt a Ukrainian lad, but officials claim that, at 62, he's too old. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of old men: Harrison Ford says he's signed on for the fifth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise. Because the world needs more bullshit movies, right? [People]
  
  
• Colin Farrell has successfully impregnated his girlfriend, Alicja Bachleda. [People]

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

Oh phew. Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen will not be the last you'll see of acorn-faced Shia LaBeouf and his robot pals. Transformers 3: Fall of the Risen (or whatever) has secured a premiere date: July 1st, 2011. Of course by then the world be a sand-blasted junkyard of bones and teeth, a cold diseased sea lapping at scorched shores. But at least we'll have Megan Fox once again changing oil in her denim underpants. [Variety]

Jesse Eisenberg, from The Squid & the Whale and the upcoming Adventureland, will be playing poet Allen Ginsberg in an ensemble movie about a beatnik murder. This is likely the only time that Jesse Eisenberg will be competing with James Franco. [Variety] Meanwhile, Confucius say: "Please let area badass Chow Yun-fat play me in a biopic." Done! [Variety]

Sam Neill is joining the cast of that show Happy Town, about a secretly murderous little burg, playing the owner of a movie-paraphernalia shoppe. Full of dinosaurs!!!! [THR] The CW will have more opportunities to cast their "everyone under 5'7", please" version of America's Next Top Former Modeling Show Reality Star. They're redoing the New York auditions, after a stampede ruined it for everyone. [THR]

Catherine Hardwicke, once lauded for films like Thirteen and Lords of Dogtown, sold her soul to direct the Twilight chaste vampire goo fest, and is now adapting another YA klassic. Maxium Ride is about, shit you not, a group of teens who are half-human, half-bird. They are called the Flock. They are pursued by a group of half-human, half-wolf creatures. They are called Erasers. So. [THR]

The Writers' Guild of America is cutting 10% of its 185 employees, citing their $2 million operating deficit. So now WGA employees can join all those in their guild who are unemployed. [Variety] Meanwhile, the Weinsteins are spending money again! Recession over! They just snapped up Nowhere Boy, a movie about a young John Lennon. So good for them. Good for everyone. Except those 18.5 people up there. Sucks. [Variety]

Brad Pitt's Plan B production house will be cobbling together a screen version of John LeCarre's spy novel The Night Manager, Paramount will co-produce. [Variety] Meanwhile J.J. Abrams will produce a film version of an upcoming Wired magazine article about a diamond heist. [Variety]

See if you can pick out the transgender among the kewpie-doll contestants. They didn't say there's a transgender in there, but c'mon—Tyra loves surprises! (Our money's on Martha Plimpton.)

Cycle 12 premieres March 4th on The CW.

• ANTM [The CW]

20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

The show has yet to get picked up by the CW, but expect a "feel-good" vibe that's a contrast to the way the Js cut down wannabe models on ANTM. CW president Dawn Ostroff says these guys root for women: "Jay is your parent in tough love. He tells you the way it is, but only because he wants you to be the best you can be. As much as Miss J criticizes and rolls his eyes, deep down, he's just looking for the girl who can get it done."

Jay Manuel, who grew up in Toronto and has been a stylist for Tyra, Jennifer Lopez, Iman, Rebecca Romijn and David Bowie, says: "We like working with real women too. We want them to feel good about themselves. We aren't giving them makeovers on Operation Fabulous. I actually hate the word 'makeover.' We're teaching them to enhance and maintain what they've already got." Eh, sounds like a makeover.

But what about 6'4", 37 inch inseam J. Alexander — who was born Alexander Jenkins in the South Bronx and "plucked from obscurity" to model for Jean Paul Gaultier, then landed jobs in Tokyo and France, where he now resides and speaks fluent French? His entire life is a makeover, no?

And here's the real question: Isn't the makeover make better genre pretty saturated? Tim Gunn, Stacey and Clinton, Style By Jury, Extreme Makeover, The Swan… Haven't we seen it all? Especially when it comes to gay men telling women how to be "better" women? On the other hand, the Js are… different. Ostroff says when she first got a load of them in 2003, for the first season of Top Model, "They truly were unlike anything we'd seen on TV, refreshing and hilarious."

'Top Model' Duo Gets A 'Fabulous' Spinoff [LA Times]

Related: Nikki Blonsky: Airport Brawl With Top Model Left Me Completely Destroyed

"My Girlfriend Got Fat And I Find Her Less Attractive Now." from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

Now we have 90210. And, new on the CW: Privileged. As Robert Bianco writes for USA Today: "What an odd America CW inhabits. As far as CW is concerned these days, we all live in a land where most everyone is white, wealthy and incredibly, well, privileged." But one of the most popular shows on the CW has a diverse mix of racial and socio-economic backgrounds, with men, women, blacks, whites, Latins, gays, straights and "fiercees" all working together: America's Next Top Model.

It's not strange that Tyra's show appeals to women of all demographics — my mom loves it, and it definitely has a strong teen following — because it's campy fun while still showcasing real human personalities faced with real challenges. Not the ridiculous photo shoots: The tasks that teach the contestants things like honesty, confidence and self-awareness. Of course, the makeup and pretty clothes can't be denied.

But makeup and pretty clothes aren't enough, which is why Privileged seems to fall flat. (USA Today's Bianco calls it "a second-rate imitation" of Gossip Girl, with "clunky jokes, overwrought performances and a tone that implies we're actually supposed to care.") As for 90210, Entertainment Weekly's Ken Tucker calls it the "Sarah Palin" of TV Shows: "Its main purpose is to remind you of a trusty old product while adding some new vigor and soap opera to the cultural discourse." (Meanwhile, Gossip Girl is earning pretty good ratings so far this season.)

But the real question is: Why can't the CW network take some of the multi-culti, LBGT-friendly vibes Tyra brings to America's Next Top Model and sprinkle them in the rest of the whitewashed (except for Everybody Hates Chris) prime time programming? CW network president Dawn Ostroff tells AdAge that she is looking for a new head of reality. And she says: "Our primary goal each season is to develop shows that fit with the CW's brand identity, connect with our core female viewers and help create audience flow across the week. And 90210 accomplished each those perfectly." Hear that? Adopted black kids (who happen to be jocks!) are "perfect."

'Privileged': The Kids Are All White, And Kind Of Shallow, Too [USA Today]
Family Drama, the CW Way [AdAge]
CW Dazzles in Prime With Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill [MediaWeek]
90210 Review [EW]

• America's Next Top Model [The CW]