First there was his ladytastic shoot for Details and then we called Lambert out for trying to talk about female genitalia in gay magazine Out. Now Aaron Hicklin, the editor of Out, is backing up our stance. In his editor's letter in the upcoming Out 100 issue, according to Towelroad, he writes:

It's only because this cover is a group shot that includes a straight woman that your team would allow you to be photographed at all - albeit with the caveat that we must avoid making you look "too gay."...Getting straight men and women to do Out is easy these days. It gives them cred. Getting gay stars like yourself is another matter. Much easier to stick you in Details, where your homosexuality can be neutralized by having you awkwardly grabbing a woman's breast and saying, "Women are pretty." So are kittens, Adam, but it doesn't mean you have to make out with them.

Um, doesn't Lambert make himself look "too gay" with all that glittery and eyeliner and flamboyance? We agree with Hicklin that it's not Adam trying to keep himself in the closet, but the executives, publicists, and other assorted minders that are managing his career. Even though he didn't publicly come out until after American Idol was over, his orientation was the other big pink elephant on the stage sitting right next to Ryan Seacrest. And millions and millions of Americans still voted for him (even though power gay Michael Musto is regretting his decision). Lambert himself has always seemed very confident being open about who he sleeps with, so why are his managers trying to build a closet around him?

There is no way that any celebrity can make a living off of just a gay fan base—there just aren't enough of us to support a giant megastar. So, conventional wisdom says that in order go go mainstream, an entertainer has to tone down the pink glitter in order to not offend anyone. Does anyone remember Liberace? Or Richard Simmons? Maybe part of Lambert's appeal is that he is a big ol' Mary? Maybe teenage girls and straight women want him to continue being the radical fairy that was introduced on Idol.

The specter of Clay Aiken—the other successful gay Idol—hangs over Lambert's career, because after coming out, Aiken hasn't sold nearly as many CDs as when he was in the closet. The difference is that Aiken always skirted the issue and denied that he was gay, trying to court his rabid fan base of girls that wanted to marry him. Lambert has a different kind of appeal. He's the gay guy that (while girls may crush on him) people want to party with. His appeal goes past an asexual charm because he has talent and showmanship—and who doesn't love their pop songs served up with a little bit of pizazz.

Yes, the gays won't be happy until Lambert stops being photographed with naked women and talking about how he wants to give cunnilingus a whirl, but really, that may be the best thing for his career.

Isn't this just the problem with closeted Details in the first place? It's always been so obviously gay, but at the same time it's like your college roommate who would blast Liza Minnelli and then talk about how he loved fucking his girlfriend who lives in Canada. The mag's closet mentality has even rubbed off on Lambert and they get him to say some really freaky things.

I am gay, but I like kissing women sometimes. Women are pretty. It doesn't mean I'm necessarily sleeping with them.

Yeah, that was really convincing. Adam, why are you going along with this? Say it loud, you're queer and you're proud. And now is not the time to be ashamed.

What is pretty shameful is the press release announcing his cover story. It says the American Idol runner up talks about "getting bras thrown at him onstage, kissing gorgeous women, and living the American dream." Yes, being a gay man making out with a woman really is the American dream—if you're a member of Exodus and trying to convince yourself you're straight.

And just check out the awkward photo shoot.

In order to get Lambert to make out with the model, they gave her jockstrap flavored lip gloss, which our man is now trying to devour. This is possibly the first men's magazine shoot where the male and female models are wearing matching nail polish.
This pose is so awkward that it has never been found in nature or heterosexual lovemaking ever in the history of the world. It shows Adam Lambert doesn't even know where the vagina lives. "Is it over here? No. Is it over here? No."
Lambert stares off into the distance at a monitor playing scenes from College Dudes 24/7. He needs to keep his motivation up, because in a minute, they're going to make him touch that yucky girl again.
Here is the cover. Adam looks pouty. That is the usual reaction when mean magazine editors make gay guys spend a whole day touching boobs.

Brown, a Massachusetts state senator, is the most prominent politician to announce for the suicide mission that will be the GOP nomination to replace Kennedy. In 1982, when he was a 22-year-old law school student, he won Cosmo's "America's Sexiest Man" contest and agreed to take his clothes off for money and/or fame. Unsurprisingly, he went on to father an American Idol contestant named Ayla Brown. It's a family of dreamers!

UPDATE: Whoops! Sorry to make you look at it twice.

[Via Politico.]

Pink's "Get This Party Started" accompanied Abdul's entrance and, considering the lyrics, — "I'm Coming Up" — makes us wonder whether Abdul was trying to intimate that Ellen has a big ego. Plus, "I'm coming up" sounds like "coming out," which could be a dig at Ellen's lesbian ways. Then, looking back earlier in the day, Abdul said that American Idol would be a "different show" with Ellen in the judge's seat.

If you ask us, that sounds like a backhanded compliment from a woman whose love of money cost her a position in America's biggest spotlight. Now she's forced to make a spectacle of herself while dressed as the woman who replaced her.

But, have to admit: Abdul does do a knock-out job mimicking Ellen's mannerisms.

• Hey, you know Tinsley Mortimer? She's a socialite's everywhere, especially after divorcing her husband? Well, she may soon be even more ubiquitous, because rumors has it Ms. Tinsley's filming a reality show. [Page Six]
  
  
• Welcome to the fame game, Melanie Oudin. The tennis player became a mini star during the U.S. Open, which now means her family's dirty laundry — like her mom's alleged affair with Oudin's coach — will be aired for all the world. [NYDN]
  Hip NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants Shakira and Lady Gaga to win big at this Sunday's VMAs. He's so cute. [MTV]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were seen kissing and hugging and laughing and loving over dinner this week, after they finished shooting their film The Bounty. Will Butler be Aniston's next heartbreak? [Page Six]
  
  
• American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi is absolutely thrilled producers made the "brilliant choice" and hired Ellen, because now she's not the new judge. Feel the love? [ET]
  
  
• A judge tossed out a plagiarism lawsuit against Jessica Seinfeld, who was accused of lifting culinary text from Missy Chase Lapine's cookbook. Lapine's defamation suit against Jerry Seinfeld, however, remains open. Seinfeld, in case you missed it, made funny of Lapine's name on The Late Show and reminded the world that some assassins, like Lee Harvey Oswald, have three names. Um... [CNN]
  
  
• Here's something interesting: football player Shawne Merriman allegedly choked Tila Tequila because she wouldn't jump into a threesome. [10News]
  
  
• We've always loved Ed Norton. But now we love him even more because he's training for the NYC marathon. [CNN]
  
  
• Adam Levine, the attractive but annoying Maroon 5 singer, is now hopping around the world — and in bed — with model Angela Bellotte. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Sugababe singer Amelle Berrabah went "missing" for a few days and her parents thought she had been kidnapped, so they called the police. It turns Berrabah was simply being a drama queen after a fight with a band mate. Oops! [The Sun]
  
  
• Jennifer Hudon's sister, whose son was murdered last year, is with child. [Star]
  
  
• La Toya Jackson's interview with Barbara Walters airs this weekend. So, what can we expect? A whole lotta crazy, like this rumination on Michael Jackson: "He wasn't God, but he was certainly God-like. He was the closest thing to a God that I knew." [AP]

An army of record companies filed a lawsuit against Ellen's eponymous talk show for using their beloved, popular and oh-so-profitable songs without paying the price. Motown, Atlantic, Virgin and a host of other companies claim Ellen and her producers used their products in the talk show host's "dance over" segment, which involves the comedienne dancing toward her daily guest. It's all very fun, but, according to the record companies, also illegal. And Ellen knew that!

As sophisticated consumers of music, Defendants knew full well that, regardless of the way they rolled, under the Copyright Act, and under state law for the pre-1972 recordings, they needed a license to use the sound recordings lawfully.

Humph. Here we thought the music industry was about bringing happiness into an otherwise dismal existence. Now we learn they're only about profits. The horror!

For their part, Ellen's producers apparently responded to the lawsuit by claiming they don't look into licenses because they don't "roll that way." Fair enough.

In national politics, fundamental procedural changes come but once every hundred years or so — the electoral college will likely outlive us all. Whereas with Idol, those citizens who deeply care about the future of their society, the honest, hard working Americans who stay up late speed dialing votes, who devote their families savings to make signs and printing t-shirts for their favorite contestants — all because they dare to dream of passing on a better world to their children— those people now find their America turned on its head, as they see their judiciary shaken up once again with the news that there will now be four judges on American Idol, and one of them will be a comedian.

While it will be for history to decide what the long term effects on our society were, some first thoughts about what this means for the most important show in the history of the world, and why it happened:

• Mixing It Up: At the beginning of last season, Fox's Reality Chief Mike Darnell told me that the challenge of the show from here on in would be constantly finding ways to keep it fresh and surprising in its eighth and ninth seasons, at the point where most TV shows are adopting orphans and relocating the series to Miami in desperate attempts to regain some interest. But that is what shows typically do when they are in free fall towards the bottom. Idol, despite being off its heights, still remains the #1 show in television by a mile and in that position, very few shows are willing to take chances with the basic formula. Say what you will about Fox and Idol, they are not afraid to take risks.

• Judges Rule: In exile from Idol, former showrunner and So You Thing You Can Dance boss Nigel Lythgoe has been offering the opinion that the judges' soap opera has gotten so carried away it is eclipsing the contestants. Last season, many Idol watchers were dismayed by how much the hi-jinx at the judges table sapped gobs of attention from the performers. And off-stage, every week the headlines were dominated by another judges story. It is Lythgoe's view that the show lives or dies on the strength of its contestants, not by the soap opera on the floor — which with four judges had become a monster. When Paula departed it was the hope of many that this would be used as an opportunity to deflate the panel back to its original size. It was not to be.

• Tivo Alert: Last season, the pile-up at the judges table caused the show to run over almost every week. Most egregiously, Adam Lambert's finest performance of the season, Mad World, was not seen by Tivo viewers. Despite howls of complaints it seemed impossible to rein in the judges. The addition of another judge who is already a star, with a very healthy ego of her own who will no doubt want to make sure her points get heard, will not help this cause.

• Nice Lives: Comedian though she is, Ellen has been the BFF to many an Idol contestant, having them all on her show and supporting each and every one. Likely, she has been thought of as one who will bring this caring concern to the cold-hearted panel.

• Quip-o-Rama: It has been said that this will bring a different element to the Idol judiciary, namely comedy. But in fact, that has more or less been Simon Cowell's function, providing just the right metaphorical one-liner to explain why a performance sucked. It's not like he provides serious musical instruction. Will the judging now become the equivalent of a Friar's Club roast?

Certainly, Ellen DeGeneres has been around the block in entertainment. But this is no little ABC sitcom, this is no Oscar telecast with Bruce Villanch there to back you up; this is American Idol and Ellen has just graduated from AAA baseball to the Indy 500. How she fares will depend very much though, not just on talent, but how seriously she takes the sacred responsibility that has been thrust upon her. History waits to judge.

DeGeneres, who has to be the hardest working woman in show business, is absolutely ecstatic over the news.

I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote.

We too are thrilled thrilled, because it's just plain wonderful DeGeneres got this gig. First, she fulfills something we feared would be lost in Abdul's absence: genuine niceness. Sure, that Kara DioGuardi chick likes to pretend she's nice, but her condescending tone reveals her true colors. Abdul, though a bit off-kilter, brought some tenderness to an otherwise cut throat competition. As cynical and hard-hearted as we can be, it's nice to get a little unadulterated excitement every once in a while.

Another reason DeGeneres gives us a thrill: she's a lesbian. Shocking, yes, but it's true. After homosexual Adam Lambert made it so far last season, Idol producers are now publicly acknowledging — or, at least, accepting — the show's innate gayness. (Although, lesbians are far less controversial than those sissy boys, but still.) This isn't only a step for out celebrities, but for the show itself.

Third, DeGeneres is funny, and not sad, pathetic funny like the oft-ridiculed Adbul. She's a comedienne and can actually make us laugh, something that doesn't intentionally happen that often when Simon, Randy or that other girl judge contestants. So, that's good.

Finally, we feared that Idol producers would try to reinvigorate a long-lost pop star's celebrity status, as they did with Abdul herself. Or, just as worrisome, they could have tried to bring on a sensational, but ultimately pathetic, celebrity, like audition judge Posh Spice. Such a move would have looked either like a blatant, desperate ratings ploy or simply an attempt to make lighting strike twice. DeGeneres is well-respected, highly popular and, most importantly, still famous, all of which are good. Also, she doesn't need the money, which, we're sure, made contact negotiations a breeze.

• Robert Pattinson's life must suck. Seriously. Don't his "fans" get it? He's not going to sleep with them, he has nothing interesting to say to them, and he probably doesn't even understand the appeal of Twilight over Harry Potter, especially since there was subtext that Cedric Diggory was digging out at Hogwarts in Goblet of Fire...said someone to me who read the book. Anyway! Men are beginning to approach him and it's very evident that he's straight and doesn't care to be an object of affection to two sexes of manic psychopaths. Stephanie Meyer, you're to blame for Pattinson's life of being forsaken. You're like Camus, in control of real people. Subtext: you need to kill Edward Cullen so Pattinson can live in peace. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling: when you bringing Potter out of retirement? [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Lady Gaga BlaBla Alert: She has a vibrator and she Must. Alert. The Presses. One line about this constitutes an item in a British gossip tabloid. Truly: they suck. Also, more about the Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy, which is basically the Birther movement of Pop Culture, but far more enjoyable. She's now saying that her vagina is offended that people would think there's a penis there. Of course her vagina would be offended, says someone. It's feigning indignation to cover for the truth. [The Sun and Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Megan Fox says she has mild bouts of Schizophrenia. I'm sure. 'Cause that ass is cray-zy, girl! [US]
  
  
• The Jonas Bro-ness bought a house in Texas for $2.8M. It's going to be, what, their gangster ass chastity pad? No. But:Balling, indeed. [US]
  
  
• On Set Romance! Shia LaBouf is dating his Wall Street 2 co-star, Cary Mulligan. I would make a joke about this, because Shia LaBouf has admitted to having a small penis and she's British and well, you know, but I'm 24 and I'm not in Wall Street 2 and in addition to earning not that much money, well, you know. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, Paula Abdul wants to "destroy" American Idol? Well, sure, honey, we'd all like to see it somewhere other than prime time, but that doesn't mean people need to die. Okay, maybe Danny Gokey, just because of his last name. Meanwhile, a terse Simon Cowell supposedly misses her. [Showbiz Spy and Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• George Hamilton had sex with his stepmom, once. When? Well he's had that smug "I've been laid" look on his face since he was twelve, apparently. Does this surprise you? [NYDN]
  
  
• The New York Daily News busts out their top economists to determine that Jon Gosselin's irresponsible spending could leave him destitute one day! Well, yes, but then again, you can only purchase so many Ed Hardy shirts and host so many Vegas pool parties before the universe decides to forsake typical procedure and suck you through a black hole of existence from being a complete assface and maybe you'll come out on the other side wanting to consider a way to live a life your children will not completely hate you for once they get to high school, and especially, college? Whichever one goes to a liberal arts college might come home one day and stab him in a non-mortal wounding way. [NYDN]
  
  
• British people are kooky. They're still indulging their Orwellian fetishes with Big Brother, the shitshow that puts a bunch of crazies in a house and makes them oust one another until someone's left and the producers can then give them money to fuck up their life and perpetrate the show's brand. And now, another one. Apparently, the "winner" of Big Brother 10, Sophie, is going to take the scratch and use it on a "massive boob job." Massive? "Go bigger? Why not, just for a change, go massive." Well, there you have it: massive. Also, she wants a "designer vagina." In other news, I can feel my spinal fluid. [Mirror]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian, famous for being the sister of Kim, who's famous for having a large ass, is now dating the L.A. Lakers' Lamar Odom. Odom won an NBA championship last season, if you'll remember. This season, he'll win brain damage through his cock. [E!]
  
  
• Selena Gomez is a UNICEF ambassador. Because when I'm in need of UNICEF, the most comforting sight I could see: Selena Gomez! Yes! Like water in the desert, except, well, no. This is stupid. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin fired 40 staffers in three months! Imagine how many quit. It wasn't her, that was the hair talking. [US]

• Move over, revolutionary monogram artist Roger Federer, because Maria Sharapova and James Blake are designing their own labels with their respective sponsors. [Canadian Press]
  
  
• The Smithsonian added the American Idol desk to its collection but, predictably, it's tucking it away in some storage area, where people will forget the Smithsonian wasted its prestige on such a useless piece of trash. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Everyone thinks Demi Moore has had plastic surgery, and she says she hasn't, but everyone will go on believing she has. Sorry, Demi! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Paula Abdul promises she didn't leave American Idol because of money. She left on "principle," whatever that means. She also hopes to get a talk show, which we'd actually watch. [TV Guide]
  
  
• Phil Spector is such a cry-baby! He wants to be moved from one prison because he's afraid someone will kill him. But he doesn't like his next prison because there's a fungal disease called Valley Fever and it's killed 14 people over the past four years, so he's scared and his wife's petitioning for yet another venue change. Let this be a lesson: don't kill other people. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Real Housewives of New York better make sure their lives are messy, dramatic and Bravo-worthy, for the network reportedly has two new ladies waiting should any of the regular characters prove too boring. Filming, by the way, began this week. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Moss flashed a tit during a magazine photo shoot. [The Sun]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan got a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her arm. Oy, sometimes that girl's too much for us. [Examiner]
  
  
• Okay, Chelsea Clinton's not getting married this year, so chill the fuck out. [Page Six]

• Jon Gosselin isn't an absentee father, you guys! No! He's doing what any good dad of eight would do, and hitting up Foxwoods Casino to try to bring eight babies home the bacon. 2:1 odds on him sucking at life like this for a while to come. [Page Six]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson, like Parker Lewis, can't lose. Or so goes the "rumor" being purported on Showbiz Spy: the guy just doesn't fuck up, and also, he keeps Kristen Stewart ridiculously happy and less crazy-brooding these days. Which is great! Until they breakup, at which point, all hell will break lose, speaking of bloodsucking. That's going to be the gossip headline for weeks, sigh, and yes: we will comply. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• And speaking of hell breaking loose: Twilight's Emo Vampire Deity Stephenie Meyer, publishing's version of a golden goose shitting out wonderful large, golden, bloodsucking teenage sexuality inspiring (or repressing) eggs, while the rest of the publishers and agents sit around being like DADDEH I WANT A GOLDEN GOOSE, is getting sued by someone claiming she stole a bunch of ideas from a novel posted online, and put them in a Twilight book. Oh noez! Maybe Meyer will sick a bunch of dreamy teenage vampires on her. Seriously. Just send Robert "The Closer" Pattinson over there to work this one out. He can't lose. [NYDN]
  
  
• R & B songstress Mya, then. R & B songstress Mya, circa 2009: going on Dancing With The Stars, wants to go to space. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's a picture of someone holding a fan up to Jennifer Aniston's face. It is as hynotizing and pleasing as it sounds. [WWTDD]
  
  
• The Possibly Penis-Concealing Lady Gaga went blah blah again, this time, talking about how she wants to do every member of Take That! at the same time, which, she correctly counts, would be a fivesome. On that note, Robbie Williams has more talent in one testicle than Lady Gaga's most brilliant output thus far, whatever that is. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Is the not-penis-concealing Penelope Cruz preggers with the probably-penis-having Javier Bardem's child? Probably! [NYDN]
  
  
• Ugh. Roger Avery - writer-director of Killing Zoe, the Rules of Attraction film adaptation, and a credited writer on a little film called Pulp Fiction - plead guilty to manslaughter for the fatal DWI accident last January in Ojai that injured his wife and killed a friend visiting from Italy. He'll be sentenced next month. [NYDN]
  
  
• Billy Bush - yes, that one - is pushing press line of wanting another Carrie Prejean Incident to take place at the upcoming Miss Universe pageant. Billy wants to capitalize on lifelong beauty queens finally getting to speak their minds on camera and then making ridiculous noises about "opposite marriage" on live TV. He might be onto something: there could be money to be extracted from the subset of people who experience life the way one would in a Dr. Suess novel, sans whimsy. Really, I'm more the Caitlin Upton type because I personally believe that beauty queens are allowed to be entitled to things such as, maps, which are of the topographical nature, because, there are other U.S. Americans, such as the President, who have ways to tell time, and in Iraq, and Antartica, there are penguins, and they know where Panama Beach is, and we all should, too. Thank you. [NYDN]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere is dating Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton, who Lindsay Lohan once blew by a pool. Ewwww. Anyway, Page Six had to squeeze in a 'Pink Taco' reference, because that's how they roll. We will comply. [Page Six]
  
  
• What does American Idol star Adam Lambert do when someone throws a dildo at him on stage? He does what any other warm-blooded American Idol would do! He...kicks it back at the audience? Schwah? You know how sometimes you hear the term "results may vary" but you generally ignore it because as far as you're concerned the results do not ever really vary? This is one of those times when they do. [Celebrity Spy]
  
  
• Huzzah. Freaky-thumbed walking slutty Halloween costume Meagan Fox will host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. I think they should bring back Mr. Peepers and have her play him. Just saying. [Showbiz Spy]

• Heidi and Spencer are taking their clown show to the Miss Universe Pageant, where Heidi is supposed to perform some horrible song horribly and Spencer is just being an enormous ass, as is his usual proclivity. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sting's daughter claims that her father knows nothing about tantric sex and that the whole rumor about his sexual prowess was a gag perpetrated by Bob Geldof. In other news, there's something uniquely creepy about a daughter discussing her father's sexual prowess. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Oh for Christ's sake! Just in time for the start of the NFL season, Kim Kardashian, the ample-assed Armenian succubus, is in New Orleans trying to win Reggie Bush back. Beautiful, just freaking beautiful. Geaux Saints! [Daily News]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse is still doing everything in her power to kill herself. She recently went on a 48-hour bender and The Sun has some ridiculous photos of Wino with white powder all over her face and a severely burnt finger. [Sun]
  
  
• Phil Spector is whining and crying about being in prison while his 29-year-old girlfriend smuggles him food in during her visits so he doesn't have to eat in the mess hall with all the animals. [Page Six]
  
  
• A 22-year-old model has filed a lawsuit against David Copperfield claiming that he sexually assaulted her in the Bahamas two years ago. [TMZ]
  
  
• Jason Schwartzman secretly married a clothing designer named Brady Cunningham at his home in California recently. [Daily News]
  
  
• Marc Jacobs is planning to marry his Brazilian boyfriend Lorenzo Martone this weekend in Provincetown, Massachusetts. Apparently, no one is invited, but there will be an afterparty at some point. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Martin has revealed the one-year-old twin boys that he had through a surrogate mother last year by taking them to the beach and posting photos on Twitter. And no, he's still not out of the closet. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Okay here's a news flash: Paula Abdul will not be returning as a judge on American Idol. Again. So can we all just move on with our lives now? [Page Six]

• Leighton Meester caused a scene in a Hamptons restaurant when she encouraged her friends to scream the Happy Birthday song loud enough to drown out another table of girls singing the same tune. The other diners were probably not amused. [Page Six]
  
  
• The attempted reconciliation of Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn has failed. As you may recall, Penn announced a few months back that he was putting acting on hold to focus on repairing his family, but Robin reportedly wasn't interested. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hotel peephole video victim Erin Andrews of ESPN appears in a "dirty" photo spread in the new issue of GQ. [Daily News]
  
  
• In addition to screwing over all of his clients, Bernie Madoff was allegedly putting the wood to some of the secretaries in his office at Madoff Securities. [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Lindsay Lohan just can't catch a break. Over the weekend she attended some fancy event in the Hamptons filled with fancy people and then her creepy dad showed up and stalked her all over the place. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna celebrated her 51st birthday at an Italian resort with her children and her fetus boyfriend Jesus Luz. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Shania Twain is the latest lady to take a turn at being a judge on American Idol in place of Paula Abdul. [EOnline]
  
  
• Well here's a damn shocker! NeNe Leakes of Real Housewives fame says that she was once a stripper back in the days of her reckless youth and she's quite proud of it, mind you! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Well here's a another damn shocker! Sandra Bernhard isn't really much of a fan of Sarah Palin. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lady GaGa posed nude for the new issue of Out Magazine, but there's no frontal shot so we still can't verify whether or not she has a peen. [Sun]

• Demi Moore threw her daughter Rumer Willis a 21st birthday party in Vegas over the weekend complete with male strippers! Also in attendance were Rumer's dad Bruce Willis and stepdad Ashton Kutcher, who did not play any part in the beefcake festivities as far as I can tell. [Orlando Sentinel and People]
  
  
• Desperate to get his daughter back in the spotlight again, Jessica Simpson's father Joe is nagging American Idol producers to hire Jessica to be Paula Abdul's replacement. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Jackson shitshow continues to ramble on — over the weekend news broke that Michael Jackson's body was frozen by his mother in a secret freezer, now Joe Jackson is claiming, over a lunch of ribs and jalapeno bread, that the family has finally settled on Jacko's burial arrangements. [Mirror and Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Producers of Diablo Cody's new film Jennifer's Body are planning on making a big deal out of a make-out scene between Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried as a part of the film's publicity push. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are the latest Britney Spears bikini pics, this time she's looking sort of curvy while playing around in a pool with her children. [Sun]
  
  
• Lady Gaga's manager says that she uses men like candy — she peels off the wrapper and just chews them up! No word from the manager if she uses her poon or peen or both to do so. [Sun]
  
  
• Colin Farrell actually met the one female fan that he won't sleep with when some crazy lady jumped into a car he was driving while filming a movie scene. He reportedly began screaming like someone was trying to kill him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is playing sports in a bikini again, this time it's tennis, and she's wearing wedge heels to increase the degree of difficulty. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Hugh Grant is once again talking about his possibly retiring from acting because he says he's been freezing up more and more on camera. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Special Topics In Calamity Physics author Marisha Pessl is divorcing her hedge-fund manager husband. [Page Six]

• Sherri Shepherd says she's been trying to help Andy Dick turn his life around by leading him to God. She says that he'd call her in the middle of the night seeking guidance and she even brought Dick to the Pentecostal church she attends but he wound up hitting on everyone there, including the pastor's wife. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Heidi Montag claims that her little boy-goblin husband delivers 20-30 orgasms per day for her. Imagine how much she'd get off if she were actually boning a real man on the regular! [Page Six]
  
  
• Kim Kardashian's mouth may actually be bigger than her ass! Apparently, little sister Kourtney was trying to keep the name of the guy who knocked her up a secret to create drama on her new reality show, but Kim went and blabbered all over the damn place and screwed it all up. [Page Six]
  
  
• Is George Clooney gay? That's been the dirty little rumor for some time now, and now Brad Pitt is doing his best to fan the rumor flames, just as any good pal should. [Sun]
  
  
• Why don't the single ladies want to bone Nick Lachey? He reportedly went out to Avenue the other night and got a table and tried to get ladies to come over and hang with him, but he wound up having a party of one for most of the night. [Page Six]
  
  
• Somebody hired Lindsay Lohan! She's filming a movie right now in Texas titled, Machete. Sounds like a masterpiece, no? [Sun]
  
  
• Kanye West's girlfriend Amber Rose says that Kanye was undeterred by her past as a bi-sexual stripper when they started dating. Well, duh! [Mirror]
  
  
• Mischa Barton has one of the weirdest bodies ever! One day she'll look really slim and pretty in a photo and the next she'll be bloated and now she's riddled with cellulite in her legs. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Vincent Kartheiser, the guy who plays Pete Campbell on Mad Men, says that this season of the show will be especially brilliant and uses the word "asshole" a lot when talking about his character. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Good God Victoria Beckham looks like a monster in these photographs of her heading into work as a judge on American Idol. [Daily Mail]

Many a nationally respected newspaper has gone wildly careening down the rabbit hole chasing a false rumor or half-baked non-story. With three companies holding joint ownership (Fox, Freemantle, and 19 Productions) and a host of oversized stars and their entourages wandering around the set, little is knowable beyond what turns up on the air. So were we wrong to say Paula quit because of money and ego?

The answer I can authoritatively state is, no. And maybe.

When Paula announced she was leaving, sources close to the former-for-now judge say that after a long, emotionally wrenching struggle with the production, she believed she was ending her Idol journey and was not just trying to ratchet up the pressure in her negotiations.

But since then rumors have persisted that doors have remained ajar; people may still be talking.

With confirmable facts being impossible to come by in the tightly controlled circle involved with Idol contracts, analyzing the rumor mill is a bit like sifting through intercepted Al Qaeda communiques; it is very hard to judge the quality of any particular bit of information, but one can attempt to judge the quantity of radio traffic. And all one can say, from looking at the web the level of chatter has become very high, with three sites separately reporting sources inside the Idol/Abdul machines that a rapprochement may be in the works. Any one of these sites is very capable of getting the story very wrong, but the fact that all three are reporting raises the threat level at least.

First with something hard was TMZ which reported last Friday:

Sources tell us Paula Abdul will make a deal with American Idol if the price is right—and we're told that price is $10 million a year.

We've already reported well-connected Idol sources say they haven't closed the door on bringing Paula back for season nine. We're told they have not communicated with Abdul since she tweeted her goodbye, and auditions start Friday—without Paula.

This morning Perez Hilton seconded this movement:

Her departure from the show wasn't a publicity stunt, but it was definitely a negotiating tactic.

Sources VERY close to Paula Abdul reveal exclusively to PerezHilton.com that the beloved judge is working to get back on American Idol.

"Don't count Paula out just yet," says our Abdrool insider, telling us that talks are being held about having Paula return and trying to come to a deal that makes sense.

And finally the most specific piece of info was posted today on Idol fan blog Joe's Place, which has broken an Idol story or two in its day.

I am hearing that when the Judges are on hand for round three of the American Idol 9 auditions, none other than Paula Abdul will be sitting at the judges table with Simon, Randy and Kara.

[UPDATE: In the minutes since this went up, Joe's Place took down their post saying Paula would be on hand for the Atlanta judging rounds. Did they hit too close to home or is the BS about Paula returning after all withering now that people are paying attention?]

As stated, any one of these places is very capable of getting the story wrong, and any source may not be as plugged in as they think they are.

So what could be behind this? Perhaps the uproar over her departure overwhelmed the Idol team. Idol is not a show that likes to say "no" to its public.

Chances are, however, that with divorce papers already submitted to the courts, the parties are focused on getting on with their lives. But there's enough out there to make one think that, just maybe, what seemed impossible is possible: Idol might stay on the front pages for yet another week of it's off-season.

Obviously, you're about to embark into some mildly NSFW territory, though there's no actual "action" in these teaser clips, and the most vulgar thing about these are the language in them. The TMSleaze (website NSFW) tributes are, quite frankly, very well played, maybe with the exception of Tono Romo's jersey reading HOMO, but hey, that's porn for you. Maybe TMSleaze isn't Pulitzer-worthy, but this could at least be considered for a Peabody, or something. It's one of the more intelligent, current satires out there, and yes, it's a porn and mostly alludes to sex. But we should all feel upstaged: they took their position as a specific commodity on a moral battleground, and leveraged it into post-modernism. The porn industry calling TMZ sleazy is, whatever you think of the porn industry, an interesting statement. I await their parody of Gawker Media with baited breath. Do enjoy, and thank you Gawker Video Deity Richard Blakeley for the tip.

Meet Messica Simpleton and Boney Homo. I think the TMSleaze reporters call them the Texas Poboys. There's also an allusion to Terrell Owens, who's not given a name. There's also fried chicken involved.

In our second video, there's Lamey Swinehouse. She's drunk and bouncing a ball on the floor and screaming about fish and chips. The paparazzi decide to leave her to her own device, deciding that "this is just sad."

In clip three, you'll meet Spender and Hiney, from "that show...that bullshit show," and as everyone knows "they've got a sex tape, or they're going to put out a sex tape," or something. Photogs ask Spender and Hiney if they can take shots of them, and Spender asks them if they're going to "be on the cover" (get it, they're not in print?). The photog says "sure," and they allow the TMSleaze paps to snap away. After letting them know that two other "characters" have made a sex tape - LC and Bony - Spender and Hiney decide that they need to make a sex tape, too, there and on the spot. Note TMSleaze's accurate depiction of Spencer Pratt's creepy flesh-colored beard.

"Somewhere in America," shouts Ron Jeremy, "there's a really exciting story. But I doubt if anyone in this room's gonna find it!" This Joseph Campbell-esque insight leads to Slimin' - whose bad faux-British accent is reminiscent of Simon Cowell's - and a studio executive arguing. "Shut up you prattling little ninny, or I will retain your ass as a black man and and shine my Tony Lamas in your rectum." Cut to some woman writhing about a couch, licking Slimin's jeans. This is, presumably, Paula Abdul. Her handler walks in the room, and begins arguing about their differences in pay. Honestly, who is writing these? Maybe we do need to ring up Sig Gissler right fucking now.

Finally, meet Feminem and Linda Blowhand, who is with child. She's under the assumption that Feminem is the father of her child. Feminem is rapping in the studio, and uses the word "illin" in one of his raps. He's with an African American co-worker - possibly his producer, possibly someone resembling Dr. Dre - who lets Feminem know that "illin" is outdated nomenclature. "You keep spittin' that weak, people gonna know you whitebred," he warns him. He gets assaulted by Linda Blowhand, who asks him why he hasn't called. "Are you high? Are you tweakin' right now?" Feminem asks her. "What do you think I am? You think I'm your little diamond oven whore?" she screams back. She then reminds him that the "lady" - presumably a reference to Samantha Ronson - "isn't cuttin' it in the orgasm department." Feminem then inquires if it'd be okay for him to "come in you since you're already pregnant," which upsets her. "Hell no, I don't want fuckin' twins!" she assaults him.

Why did Paula do it? After I reported three weeks ago that Idol's "nice judge" Paula Abdul was considering walking away from the television behemouth, her manager's statements were widely considered to be a negotiating ploy. [Ed. note: To totally brag, Richard was the only reporter who actually spoke to Abdul's manager during her contract negotiations.] However, after doing several Abdul contract pieces this year I saw that beneath the bluster, she was in fact, emotionally getting ready to make the change. Why would you walk away from the biggest show in TV history?

1. She wasn't joking about the money. Jaws dropped when I reported a few months back that while mean judge Cowell was making upwards of $40 million, Abdul was making downwards of 2 million. And she had had enough of this. It's been reported since that she asked for $20 million in a new contract and Idol was willing to bump her up into the range of $4 million. From my chats with her and her manager, she was very serious about not coming back unless the increase was something major.

2. She can get more elsewhere. People say, "But Paula is nothing without Idol!" The proper phrasing might be, she would've been nothing without Idol. But now she is an on-screen character of the biggest show in the world and she's a free agent. There are a lot of networks out there (four to be precise) who would try anything — anything — to take even a small bite out of the Idol juggernaut, and they'd be willing to pay a lot more than $4 million to do it. Why not an Idol competitor starring Paula on another net?

3. Living in the Cowell shadow is only fun for so long. And that amount of time is something less than 8 years. Having to make a fraction of his money, have a fraction of the respect and clout he gets around the set and around the world, eventually the "I'm just lucky to be here" feeling wears off. And once it was announced a few week's back that Seacrest's contract too would soar into the stratosphere, all incentive to take table scraps and keep riding in the back seat evaporated.

4. She wants to be her own woman and mogul. Eight years of filling in the assigned ditsy-whipping girl slot on the panel on someone else's show, forget about whether the slot is deserved, can make you start dreaming about what kind of show you would really like to be doing. Believe it or not, Paula brims with ideas for her own shows — witness her cheerleading competition in the last year. And walking away with a bit of Idol luster, my guess is there'll be a lot of people ready to take some meetings.

5. It's not about the money but...the right amount of money could have solved all the above problems. My guess is somehow or other, Idol decided over the last month or so that this should go back to a three judge format — it was universally agreed the four judge panel had become a monster — and the third judge would be Kara whose contract they announced last week ahead of this. They also put out the eye-popping figures Seacrest would be pulling down on his new deal before going into Paula's negotiation. Considering Ryan still had a year left on his contract, there was no reason that had to happen, and if they were really going into a serious negotiation with Paula, having that out there didn't help.

The question now for Idol, without its token nice judge, is does the judiciary just become a vicious slapfest, with no respite for the poor struggling but stumbling singers? And will the audiences be turned off by the now unrestrained bloodlust? The only thing riding on that question is hundreds of millions of dollars.