Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

• Us reported that Ashlee Simpson was pregnant, as did OK!. An October due date was even floated for the musician's baby. But husband Pete Wentz sent an email to MTV News denying everything and positing a massive conspiracy: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood."
• Amy Fisher, meanwhile, happily confirmed she is pregnant, with her third child. [OK!]
• Elizabeth Taylor mixed booze with prescription drugs, began vomiting and couldn't breathe. Her assistant rushed her to the hospital and Taylor went home the same day. All according to the National Enquirer. [Perez]
• Kate Moss, the supermodel who is not banned for life from British Airways, was livid after the airline lost a $20,000 bracelet she bought as a gift for a friend, along with the Louis Vuitton bag it was in. The airline had a disaster of a time trying to open a new terminal at Heathrow last week and an untold number celebrities were inconvenienced and even mortally embarrassed. [Sun]
• Without the stabilizing influence of normal parents like Britney Spears', Lindsay Lohan needs constant monitoring by her best friend to stay out of trouble. [P6]
• Heather Mills convinced Donald Trump to let her help host the Miss USA Pageant despite her extraordinary demands, and was then booed and hissed by audience members. The Paul McCartney ex hailed the appearance as evidence that she is beloved in the U.S. [P6]
• Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow worked out at the gym together in London. [Splash]

[Steppin' Out]

• Amy Fisher, who can't make up her mind if she's happy or sad about her new sex tape, is DJ'ing at Retox Friday night. According to the press release, "The controversial sex video which Amy Fisher is featured will be displayed their.[sic]"
  
• Page Six spotted "VH1 honcho Michael Hirschorn and his wife, St. Martin's editrix Elizabeth Beier, dining with New York Times-er Bob Morris, literary agent Ira Silverberg." Talk about hot double dates! [P6]
  
• Hip Hop Savant Kanye West is schooled by Beyoncé (truly an angel sent down from heaven) in Connect Four. 9 Times in a row! [KanyeUniversecity]
  

In the lawsuit, Fisher maintains that she "co-produced and co-directed the "Subject Works." and even "arranged for Bellera to hold the video recorder to record private sexual activities at Plaintiffs direction."

Who knew Fisher was such a hands-on purist, so devoted to her craft that she can't stand to see it debased so? It reminds me of the time Ingmar Bergman protested against the post-production editing of Fanny and Alexander, claiming it ruined his masterpiece!

But despite Fisher's modesty, she's also pretty business savvy. Later in the suit, she demands not only damages but any profits from the sale of the DVD. Looks like Fisher wants to get it from both sides!

It seems her her weirdly Buttafuoacian, gray-haired, burly husband, a "videographer" (though IMDB has never heard of him), by the name of Lou Bellera sold a video of the two lovemaking to Red Light District Video.

The video is inventively titled "Amy Fisher Caught on Tape." (Google shows no record of it, and it's not up on that porn site. Yet.) Supposedly Bellera did it behind her back while she was dating Joey Buttafuoco again as a "a vehicle to strike back at her." But guess what? She'll forgive him! How sweet it is when self-promotion and true love converge.

Cheeky Lolita Bares All [NYP]

"Stunt for what?" Buttafuoco fumed during the TV interview. "I could walk out of my home in California and everybody follows. I could be in Hollywood, I could be in Vegas, and it's going to happen." He said it was not about the money - well, not all about the money.

"I don't need the money," he declared. "I'm really OK emotionally, physically and financially. But if the money comes along with the reality show that they're talking about, fine. I think we'll have an incredible show. It will be a wild show."

"I enjoy talking to Amy; I really do," Buttafuoco said. "I like being friends with Amy."
Fisher said the date had been a long time coming."We started talking a few years ago," she said. "He called to apologize, and he kept calling and calling."Buttafuoco said, "She kept hanging up and hanging up. The last time we tried to make something happen, the last time we spoke, I was a really big ass and off the hook with it, so I wanted to apologize to her."A year ago I was really angry. I had a medical situation, and I was on heavy meds. I needed to release that part of my past and have some closure on it."

Fisher told the TV show, "We know we're unconventional and a lot of people think it's sick and strange. We're very hesitant about what people think. We care about what people think. We're nice people. We're a lot of fun."
She added: "We're going to start off slower than we did last time - although not too slow..."

America needs a good love story, Fisher claims - and so what if they're sharing their relationship with the world?

What better way to start your week than with a reunion of Long Island's most precious gems? Tonight for the first time ever, Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco will appear face-to-face on camera to address their past, courtesy of the relationship therapists at Entertainment Tonight. They've both aged well, but be warned: the confrontation is painful, but the dramatic greasemonkey accents will bring you to tears.

"Amy Fisher has a great future in our popular culture," said Paul Levinson, a media studies professor at Fordham University. "And there is no doubt [Long Island Press] will take a hit from people who pick up the paper to read Amy Fisher's column."

And, of course, by "people" who read Amy Fisher's column, he means slutbunny Long Island sociopaths who like to bang gorilla-bodied auto mechanics.

Fisher Out As Paper's Columnist [Newsday]