Paris Hilton Demands Cute Baby That Can Go A Few Days Without Water And Stuff

• There is no goddamned way animal-hating monster Paris Hilton actually said this to justify her alleged competitive need to conceive: "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children."
• British police kept hold of singer Amy Winehouse for nine hours of questioning after arresting her in connection with a January video in which she apparently smoked crack. She was said to have "sobbed uncontrollably once inside Limehouse" jail before being released around 1:30 am. By 4 am she was happily rummaging around at a convenience store, chatting up reporters.
• Jennifer Aniston was calling flame John Mayer "every spare moment" she got on a Miami film set. Then he flew to Miami to make out with her in a football stadium. This is the part where we all tune out for our own sanity, right? [OK!]
• For the Sex And The City movie, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon got to keep their clothes, but Kristin Davis and Kim Cattrall did not. So unjust. How do they expect Kristin Davis to make movies without clothes? [E!]
• The Barbara Walters episode of Oprah attracted more viewers than both Tom Cruise episodes of Oprah, according to television tracking firm Perez Hilton.
• Here is Matt Damon looking creepy in a moustache. [IsThisHappening]

Naomi Campbell Pretends To Be A Good Person

• Instead of viciously beating people with her cellphone, supermodel Naomi Campbell tried bringing tea and coffee to assistants on the TV show Ugly Betty. Ten bucks says the coffee and tea had, in turn, been bought by Campbell's own assistant, and that Campbell hasn't been into a Starbucks since 1998. I hope someone demanded her drink be brought back with nonfat milk at exactly 195 degrees. [News Of The World]
• Miley Cyrus after some kind of Disney concert in Orlando: "I hope you had an awesome time. I saw a sign back there that said: 'Miley, I'm praying for you.' I could not be more appreciative. Thank you guys for all your support. Without you, none of this would be possible. I love every one of you and I could not be more appreciative. God bless you." I think she could be more appreciative. [Sun]
• Victoria Beckham and husband David were looking forward to a quiet trip to Napa Valley via Tom Cruise's empty-and-waiting private jet. Turns out Cruise, his wife and four Hollywood pals were waiting on the plane to surprise them. See, for Scientologists, the line between "surprise party" and "awful kidnapping" does not exist. [Showbiz Spy]
• Singer Winona Ryder apparently still allowed to shop. [Popsugar]
• Lindsay Lohan is going on Ugly Betty. [People]
• Amy Winehouse, who is Jewish, is wearing rosary beads to support her jailed husband. Further destroying the Catholic church is just a nice side effect. [Oh No They Didn't]
• I can't muster much outrage, but the British tabs sure can: "POP mogul Simon Cowell has been allowed to park his Rolls-Royce wherever he likes — a privilege usually reserved for the QUEEN." [Sun]
• In the wake of testimony against her alleged stalker, Uma Thurman went brunette. This information would be of use pretty much only to... stalkers. [P6]

Well, This Is Still Going On

Amy Winehouse's New Man To Solve All Her Problems

• Amy Winehouse went on a rampage of terror last week, headbutting and punching people, getting high in the street and stiffing her cabbie. But the addict/singer also made out with some random guy, and maybe that's why she now has a new man named Alex Haynes, who works for Winehouse's manager, and doesn't look nearly fierce enough to handle his insane new girlfriend. Winehouse's mom thinks he's great because Haynes is always "popping out to buy cigarettes, papers, anything she wanted." Other people point out that buying whatever Winehouse wants is maybe not in the singer's best interest.
• Prior to Haynes, Winehouse had a thing with a photographer named Blake. Not the Blake who is her incarcerated husband, obviously. [ShowbizSpy]
• Oprah's new interview with Tom Cruise will indeed include questions about Scientology and that time he jumped on her couch. See, Oprah's not afraid to be hard hitting. That's why she also took a ride on Cruise's snowmobile. [ET]
• Paris Hilton's boyfriend Benji Madden drove over a paparazzo's foot while pulling away from a West Hollywood nightclub with Hilton in the passenger seat. The socialite and musician are accused of a hit-and-run and police are investigating the incident. [Sun]
• Actress Jennifer Anniston met singer John Mayer for a late lunch. WITH DESSERT. This changes everything. [OK!]

Watch Jennifer Lopez, Scientologists Raise A Baby

• Jennifer Lopez is going to star in a TLC reality show about raising her twins. Oh this is going to be awesome. We're going to get to see all of the crazy stuff Tom Cruise and Lopez's other Scientologist advisers had installed for the little ones: the security cameras, "sterile" baby wing, sanitized flowers and the staff of baby bodyguards and color therapist.
• Semi-retired comedian Rosie O'Donnell on Star Jones' divorce from Al Reynolds: "we all fool rselves [sic] / sometimes." Also, Drudge dropped her from his blogroll for some reason. [Ask Ro]
• Amy Winehouse got high in the street, headbutted someone, punched someone in the face, stiffed her cabbie and made out with some dude. Leave it to Fleet Street to hype up a typical Wednesday night like it's some big thing. [Sun]
• Ashley Olsen's mansion is undergoing a $1.6 million spruce-up and the actress was kind of wondering if she could crash at your place for a while?? Five-star hotels get so lonely. [Star]
• Doogie Howser went on Ellen and pretended to have his head cut off. This is the same guy who didn't want any more Britney Spears cameos on his sitcom because it infringed on his artistic integrity. [YouTube]
• John Mayer is totally going to work his way up to black belt. [X17]
• Meadow from Sopranos broke up with her boyfriend. [Us]
• FHM magazine decided Megan Fox was the hottest woman in the entire world, this year. Angelina Jolie slipped four places to number 12, because pregnancy is so not hot, and Britney Spears somehow rejoined the list at #100, because crazy is very much hot. [OK!]
• We have all made Naomi Campbell so furious with our incompetence that either her hair is falling out or the supermodel is tearing it out. [Sun]

Paris Hilton Banned For Acting Like Paris Hilton

• Paris Hilton was banned from at least one Hyatt, in Moscow, for scribbling her name on the wall in black marker. But it was for a very important picture of Paris looking hot (at left, via the Sun), so it was totally worth the $9,000 fine. [Sun]
• OJ Simpson would like to appear on Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice to create the least appealing television imaginable. [P6]
• Tom Cruise's 13-year-old son Connor will appear in a movie in a bit, non-speaking part with Cruise's Scientology-friendly buddy Will Smith. [AP]
• Heather Mills, former wife of former Beatle Paul McCartney, was allegedly a $20,000 per-night prostitute who acted out lesbian scenes for clients. [Daily Star via Gaunabee]
• Amy Winehouse and her husband were offered $2 million to recount whatever they can actually remember of their drug-adled marriage. [Sun]
• There's official confirmation of the Beyonce/Jay-Z wedding, in case you had been delaying your celebration. [OK!]
• There's supposedly a sex tape of the fiancée of Opie from the radio show Opie & Anthony. The fiancée is said to be shown with Bam Margera of MTV, from before she met Opie. [P6]

Amy Winehouse—Now With Extra Crazy

George Clooney Won't Be Told When To Dump His Girlfriend

• An anonymous caller told George Clooney about his new girlfriend Sarah Larson, "Dump the bitch before you're sorry." Clooney got his off-duty-cop chauffeur to have the call traced, but it was made from a pre-paid cell phone and they can't figure out who bought the phone. Also, the Sun found a supposed ex-boyfriend of Larson who said Larson had "special love potions."
• Jennifer Lopez wants Tom Cruise to be her twins' godfather and convinced her husband Marc Anthony to go along with the plan. Perfect. Also, the kids' christening outfits cost $200,000. [Showbiz Spy]
• Kitten-and-puppy-hating liar Paris Hilton isn't going to participate in the casting process for her supposed new Best Friend Forever. Surprise, surprise. [P6]
• Talk show host Oprah Winfrey cried on her show over pictures of her dead dog. "I’ve got to get myself together... We’ll be right back." [Splash]
• Rapper Jay-Z married Beyoncé in his New York apartment Saturday, according to Mary J. Bilge, who is on tour with him. [Showbiz Spy]
• Singer Amy Winehouse is going to give her incarcerated husband Blake an album of very special love songs written just for him, and he is going to sell that album for drugs. [Showbiz Spy]
• For her recent incident at the airport, model Naomi Campbell may be barred from British Airways for life.
• Comedian Joan Rivers said of Victoria Beckham, "I dislike Victoria Beckham... Calm down, you were a Spice Girl." [HollyScoop]

"Oi! Be a Dear and Get My Daggers."

Comeback Britney Is Sorry She Fired You That One Time

• Britney Spears dug deep into her rolodex and found the last manager she had who was not totally insane. Turns out it was the one who discovered the singer. And who she told off while going crazy. Woops. [OK!] (Photo: X17)
• On a less hopeful note, Spears is into wigs again. She wore a very plain, brunette wig for half a car ride. Paparazzi den X17, which of course is in a position to measure Spears' activity to fraction-of-a-car-ride accuracy, asked "why???" [X17]
• The thing about Johnny Depp making ads for Magnum condums? Amazingly, that turns out to NOT be true. [Portfolio]
• John Cusak's stalker, who is 33 and apparently severely suburned, took a cab to the movie star's house, then could not pay, so the police were called. Then the police found something alarming and took the actor's stalker to jail. [AP]
• First Amy Winehouse was moving to the British countryside, then she was about to leave for rehab in Israel or South Africa, now she's just moving across town? I am starting to suspect the Sun does not have the highest standards for accuracy. WHO KNEW?? [Sun]
• Kylie Minogue is giving American gays one last chance to get the rest of the country to fall in love with her, then the pop diva never coming back ever again. [Sun]

Heath Ledger's Australian Love Child

• Heath Ledger may have a love child in Australia, the late actor's uncle said, which would mean he has two children. Isn't that straight out of Lost? I mean, except for the part about Heath fathering the child while 17 and still in grammar school with a woman eight years older who already had a boyfriend. [Daily Telegraph via HollyScoop]
• Cracked-out singer Amy Winehouse has been writing and playing songs for her next album even while battling addiction and her skin condition. Also, while her husband sits in jail. "It is very, very dark." [Sun]
• Woops: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did not get married in Vegas, as reported in Star. Perez Hiton described Star's retraction as "shoving their baby cock between their legs." Eeww. This is why I should never read Perez Hilton before trying to sleep. [Perez]
• It sounds like Britney Spears did not end up presenting during the Kids' Choice Awards as rumored. Actor Orlando Bloom seemed less than thrilled to get slimed.
• Kiefer Sutherland of 24 wants to direct a music video for British band "the Feeling." It's high time rock videos added some torture scenes. [Sun]

Scientology's Glamorous New Friends

• Game over, Scientology wins, they have Pete Doherty and Sumner Redstone. Viacom chairman Redstone hasn't actually converted but did have lunch with Scientology bigshot Tom Cruise, probably canceling in his area a personal and business rift with the actor and paving the way for more sweet Mission Impossible money. Doherty has been reading up on the religion and shacking up with a Scientologist DJ who probably hasn't yet mentioned the religion's stance on psychoactive drugs.
• Accidental gay porno fan (and singer) John Mayer posted a long rambly blog "about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog... who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man." Then, mercifully, "I'm going quiet now." [JohnMayer.com]
• Star overlord Bonnie Fuller said singer Britney Spears' parents are "pimps" who treat their daughters like "cash registers" and "bank machines." To back this up, the American Media editorial director has both an anonymous quote and a book-plugging psychiatrist. Air. Tight. [HuffPo]
• There's talk of a Hills movie. Well, of course there is. The question is, have they stockpiled enough stares. [MTV]
• Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt "work on their relationship" by going to Vegas and staying in different rooms, in different hotels and barely talking. Actually, that is seriously a dream vacation for some couples. [People]
• Atress Lindsay Lohan will play a member of the Manson family. [E! Online]
• She's supposedly jetting off to rehab soon, but singer Amy Winehouse still can't manage to get to the jail on time to visit her husband. [Sun]

Scary Amy Winehouse Going Away For A While, Again

• Amy Winehouse will be airlifted away from her crack and into rehab, possibly in Israel or South Africa. A doctor told the Sun the singer's skin damage is common among crack addicts. [Sun]
• Brad Pitt is ninth cousin to Barack Obama while the movie star's wife Angelina Jolie is ninth cousin to Obama presidential rival Hillary Clinton. Also, Obama is distant cousins with George W. Bush and somehow linked to Confederate general Robert E. Lee and Dick Cheney. [OK!]
• Unlike everyone else in Los Angeles, Britney Spears actually becomes more sane when behind the wheel of a car, so Daddy Jamie is letting the singer tool around her gated community. While driving, Britney is contemplating plans for her own dance studio. [OK!]
• An Olsen twin slummed it at a Lower East Side dive. Page Six asked its drunken source which Olsen twin it was: "I think it was the fat one." Apparently that's Mary-Kate. [P6]
• Actress Pamela Anderson annulled her fairy tale eight-week Vegas marriage. [BBC]
• Former Saturday Night Live player Jimmy Fallon: Preggers! [TMZ]
• Singer Sheryl Crow a little too overeager about collaborating with Fleetwood Mac. Stevie Nicks does that to people. [Billboard]
• Heather Mills still on about former hubby and ex-Beatle Paul McCartney's hidden piles of money. [Daily Mail]
• Deceased actor Heath Ledger's estate worth somewhere between $145,000 and $60 million. Thanks, TMZ.

They Say His Case Rattles With the Bones of the Damned

Tea-Swilling Musician Is Not Into Drugs

Really. No.

Sleeping With Ex Beatle Pays Better Than Sleeping With Governor. Duh.

• Singer Paul McCartney's ex Heather Mills was awarded $49 million after four years of marriage. The blog Knife Tricks estimates that's $43,000 per screw — way, way more than so-called-high-priced whore Ashley Dupre ever charged. Apparently Mills wanted even more.
• Ex-Beatle McCartney can pay since he basically sweats hundred-dollar bills — he's worth around 387 million pounds, which is like a billion trillion worthless American dollars. [Sun]
• Do NOT ask Lindsay Lohan to pose in front of Paris Hilton accessories! The Mean Girls star and Hilton rival will throw a "fit." [Daily News]
• Do NOT compare Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse and call her the unsexiest woman in the world! The Sex and the City star will fill with rage and anger. Her husband Matthew Broderick will question his sexuality. [P6]
• Like gullible actor Will Smith, talk show host Oprah Winfrey does not mind financial involvement with crazy Scientologists: She signed a deal with TV star Kirstie Alley and might give Alley her own show. Might? Is Alley going to produce, like, a poignant and unexpected Founding Father biopic instead?
• Singer Britney Spears in How I Met Your Mother TV cameo: "Can’t we have sex and then go shopping?" Ironic because: Spears ex Adnan Ghlaib now saying he never had sex with Spears, pitied her. [Sun]
• Spears is back into Kabbalah, allegedly. [X17]
• Singer-junkie Amy Winehouse was offered either $1 million or one million pounds to perform in front of Vogue editor Anna Wintour and movie stars George Clooney and Julia Roberts at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Or she wasn't.
• Halle Berry's baby daughter is called Nahla Ariela Aubry. Nahla is an Arabic-derived word meaning "honeybee." In modern English it means "destined to be so very hot." [P6]
• Model Kate Moss licked her rocker boyfriend's neck and stuffed a bottle of wine in her handbag after a "boozy" lunch. Paris is awesome. [Sun]