The celebrity well has run so dry that we are now stuck doing this? Would the editors of this mag ask, "Is Angelina Jolie scary skinny because of this drawing? Should we be worried about her weight?" No, we fucking shouldn't because it's a really bad drawing! But seriously, here we are comparing a doodle of Nicole Ritchie with a sketch of Paris Hilton and Amy Winehouse. While we're at it, why don't we talk about how Smurfette never changes her outfit, how Dora the Explorer is looking a little tubby or the diet Wonder Woman used to get back in shape. We wish we had the print edition of this magazine so we could throw it across the room.

• Last time we heard from Mitch Winehouse, he was talking about daughter Amy's hot new rack. Now he's explaining the real reason for Amy's trip to the hospital last weekend: "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little [points to his chest] leaky something or other." Does that really happen? Brand new breasts just spring a leak? I was always under the impression you had to be skydiving into ice-cold water or boxing Layla Ali to apply enough force to bust one of those open, but then, Wino has always been somewhat impervious to the laws of physics. [Sun]
• 
  
• Demi Moore was totes photoshopped on her ragingly hot W cover. [fig.1] But, despite the overwhelming evidence, she's still denying it! [fig.2] Mrs. Ashton Kutcher retweeted several fans' defenses of her weirdly photoshopped hip, cheering "I have no hips!" and "I love the pic and can only say I wish I had good lighting like that following me around all day!! Haha" and "i am in the skinny side lately." [HuffPo]
• 
  
• Levi Johnston went to GQ's Men of the Year party and no one gave a crap about him. Apparently Hollywood isn't as into Ricky Hollywood as ol' New York is, probably because their sense of irony is weaker. [HuffPo]
• 
  
• Everyone's still mad at Kate Moss for saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" a couple days ago. Now activists are pulling the mommy card, since Moss has a seven-year-old daughter. Moss' modeling agency stands by her, though they are suddenly reminded why the Kate Moss policy was always "look pretty, don't open mouth." [Us]
• 
  
• John Kerry has rushed to daughter Alexandra's defense regarding yesterday's DUI arrest, and seems cautiously optimistic about his daughter's fate, since she was under the legal BAC limit and was pulled over for expired tags. TMZ says "it's unlikely prosecutors will file charges," which probably has nothing to do with My Daddy the Senator, but then again, it probably doesn't hurt. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Out editor Aaron Hicklin got pissed at Adam Lambert for faking straight too many times, and Lambert is pissed right back. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, the American Idol star says Hicklin "really crossed a line," took statements "out of context," and unfairly pigeonholed him. "Not every gay man is the same gay man," Lambert said. "It's just sexuality." That's right, nobody can take your sexuality away from you, other than marketing executives with big plans for making your album go platinum with teen girls. Anyway, now that we've entered the "critical discourse on the nature of human sexuality" phase of this story, I'm officially jumping ship. Get back to me when you date someone interesting or make a sex tape, Adam. [EW]
• 
  
• Tina Fey's nefarious plot to destroy NBC continues. At an Ad Council gala the 30 Rock star joked, "NBC is sadly the fourth-place network; actually, we're in ninth place if you count the radio stations ahead of us right now." The crowd laughed uproariously and as it slowly dawned on a room full of NBC-Universal executives that they might not be in on the joke any more. [P6]
• 
  
• For her seventeenth birthday, Miley Cyrus dressed up as Julia Roberts' character from Pretty Woman, A.K.A., a whore. Jesus Christ, Billy Ray, rein in your daughters. [P6]
• 
  
• Top fashion model Daul Kim, a 20-year-old from South Korea, was found dead yesterday in her Paris apartment in an apparent suicide. Kim shot video diaries and had a popular blog. Her last post, dated the day before her death, read "say hi to for ever." [P6]
• 
  

Figures 1 & 2

• This is disturbing: When a TV reporter asked Mitch Winehouse how daughter Amy was doing, he replied "Fantastic, fantastic. Her boobs are great as well." Then he backtracked, "I shouldn't have said that should I?" And then he rambled on, "I didn't have to pay for the boobs" and went on to question how she got the cash for them. Apparently Amy is broke and begs him for money a lot. That is, unless she is still mega-rich and shelled out the reported $56K for that glorious rack by herself, which OK says is also a possibility. [OK]
• 
  
• Salman Rushdie rubbed salt in ex-girlfriend Pia Glenn's wound by showing up at a hoity-toity literary event with yet another raven-haired Amazonian goddess on his arm. This one is a Harvard grad who only dates models, which makes it oh-so-enigmatic why she'd date frumpy Rushdie. Hey, did I mention she's an aspiring writer? [Page 6]
• 
  
• When the deejay at 1Oak announced "23 bottles of Cristal for Lindsay Lohan's 23rd birthday," LiLo reportedly "look startled." Not because she is a recovering alcohol with a DUI under her belt, but because it totally wasn't her birthday, her birthday is on July 2nd! [Page 6]
• 
  
• Amber Lee Ettinger suffered "minor cuts" after a rogue lighting scaffold beamed her at that Thrillist-JetBlue junket that everyone went to but no one was supposed to talk about. Apparently the trip was "completely crazy," with freebie Trojan condoms flying everywhere, best all-inclusive junket spring break ever!! [Page 6]
• 
  
• The case against two men accused of extorting $25 million from John Travolta after son Jett's death has ended in a mistrial. The reason was as tabloid as the trial itself: the judge thought the jury pool was leaking information. The judge figured it out when a member of Bahamas' Parliament said he had inside knowledge that defendant Pleasant Bridgewater—a Bahamanian politician with a farcically adorable name—would be acquitted. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jill Zarin & co. played on their cellphones and were generally bratty at the Memphis premiere. It would actually be pretty disappointing if she showed up somewhere and wasn't a nuisance. [Page 6]
• 
  
• There's a mistake on Jacko's will—or is the whole thing a forgery? Michael Jackson was in New York on July 7, 2002, the same day his will was signed in L.A. His lawyer says they simply wrote down the wrong date, which raises another troubling question: Why, when you are guiding the most famous man on the planet through the most important legal documents of his life, would you not bother to make sure you have the date right? [TMZ]
• 
  
• Trent Reznor, Roseanne Cash, Billy Bragg, and a bunch of other musicians are demanding federal documents explaining how their music was used during torture sessions at Gitmo. This is because they are dutifully liberal, highly enlightened, civic-minded folks who are only somewhat curious to know whether al-Qaeda operatives prefer Nine Inch Nails or country standards. [HuffPo]
• 
  
• Nicole Richie and Samantha Ronson are besties, and Lindsay Lohan is jealous. Nicole is taking the high road, though, and just "wants a better life" for LiLo, thereby employing the deepest and most cutting diss in the Mean Girl manual: Magnanimous pity. [Perez Hilton]

• Kate and Jon Gosselin, congratulations, you've made it back to the top of the Gossip Roundup, to the umbrage of what will be many pissed off and tired commenters and your kids! They hate you! I do, too. So: it appears the one with the dead thing atop their head is seeking moneys for being the breeder of the small ones from the one with the face of ass and the terribly gauche shirts (yeah man, your shirts are gauche compared to that last sentence). Not only does she want moneys to supposedly feed their once valuable moneymaking products of breeding, but she also wants moneys for being alive: alimony. Kate Gosselin. Wants alimony. From Jon Gosselin. I'm not sure how this works as their main source of income was the show, but maybe she's seeking some of the money Jon Gosselin got from appearing at a pool party in Vegas? Which was sometime before, oh ha ha! her yukking it up on Leno! I mean, face it: he probably spent that already, but do you really want to know on what? Also, does she really care? The sad thing is that these people are someone else's parents—eight cute little peoples!—and I don't feel bad calling them both complete whatevers (technical term) because they won't go away and, you know, actually do something. This isn't like other cases of tabloid journalism where celebrities who have kids make headlines: these people make money from being overexposed, how can they protect their kids from it while they're taking all this attention? They can't. They suck. [NYDN]
  
  
• Fine. I'll bite. How much do they suck?

  "She barely talks to them," a Kate confidant told the magazine. "The nannies are doing 95% of the work. Kate has a short attention span, and everything upsets her." A Jon source said, "He can't stay at home with them. He gets annoyed when they interrupt him when he's on the phone."

  That much. [NYDN]
  
  

• Michael Jackson's awesome episode of The Simpsons, where he sings Happy Birthday to Lisa with Bart as a 400-pound mental patient was just as bizarre in real life. Apparently, Jackson serviced the crew of The Simpsons (not like that) with Sikhs in white robes and turbans while they studied the script and recorded parts at his house. When you freak out Hank Azaria, you know you've really gone far. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lay off A-Rod's girlfriend Kate Hudson! mean wives and girlfriends of Yankee players! Especially now that they're in the post-season. Honestly, Minka Kelly (aka Lyla Garrity of Friday Night Lights fame) is Jeeetah's girlfriend and is ridiculously cute so really, most of the trouble has to be coming from her. Other teams' local newspapers and fans embedded in tabloid journalism: play this story up as much as possible if you want to mess with the Yankees post-season chances. You know the drill. [Page Six]
  
  
• Pierce Brosnan likes Mojitos. Don't ask. [Page Six]
  
  
• Carey Mulligan went from who? to OMG isn't she the best? in like, five minutes. So the Daily News took the time to catch you up: she's pretty, she's in an overrated movie that New York critics are slapping around, she's a "Sundance Darling" that's coming to eat Natalie Portman's brain. This has only just begun. [NYDN]
  
  
• Amy Crackhouse spent $14M partying in St. Lucia. Can you even spend $14M legally in St. Lucia? No, no, no. Time for a mediocre third album to pay the bills, toots. [NYDN]
  
  
• Dr. Phil denies that he groped the breasts of a "patient" and held her captive against her will. I'm not sure how far his credibility goes here because whenever he speaks on the teevee I feel like my soul is being held against its will, but all I have to do is change the channel. So: there's that. Am I suggested that he did? No! But he is an asshole. [NYDN]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian, who's worse for the Lakers than Isaiah Rider Jr., is in the early stages of a pre-nup (yeeeeah) with Lamar Odom and also, in the early stages of completely screwing the Lakers out of back-to-back championships. Show your support, I guess? [NYDN]
  
  
• Marge Simpson is getting naked for Playboy. Just another day in the office, folks. What Hefner and Co. don't know or forgot is that there's an entire slice of the internet devoted to this kind of pervy thing, but who're we to judge? Cartoons, strip it off. You were a marginal last frontier, anyway. [NYDN]
  
  
• If you wanna end up like Gene Simmons, don't do drugs and have lots of sex, says Gene Simmons. So: who's got the glue bag? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aw. Adam Duritz and Emmy Rossum were photographed together at Lincoln Center, and the Daily News suggests that they're together. Rossum had a tough divorce and she's a legitimately talented young actress! This is nice. Also: November 1st is the ten year anniversary of the Counting Crows most underrated album, This Desert Life. You did not know that, did you? It was good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Usher's delaying his divorce as much as he possibly can by not signing papers. Let it burn, Ush. [NYDN]
  
  
• Katy Perry's dating Russel Brand. Take a crack at guessing the headline. The winner gets the satisfaction at knowing that they're five steps ahead of the Daily News' gossip pages (or what they think of their audience). Whee! Also, even I was in pain after watching him diddle Kristen Bell in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Am I alone here? Ew. [NYDN]

[Image via Disciullo/Bauer-Griffin]

• People "close" to Elizabeth Edwards say she's about to divorce hubby John and reveal all his dirty secrets in court. Yeah, we know the source is the National Enquirer, but they've been pretty accurate when it comes to the Edwards thing. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Maybe baby news! There are rumors circulating that A-Rod impregnated Kate Hudson, but Hudson's team says it's not true. We're at once fascinated and revolted, but more fascinated. [NYDN]
  
  
• Some claim Rihanna's sleeping with Justin Timberlake, but sources insist he's still technically with Jessica Biel, but the couple's definitely headed in the breakup direction. Oh young love! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Jackson knows who's to blame for daddy Michael's death: those concert promoters. She reportedly told auntie La Toya, "What happened is they worked him too hard. He never got the chance to rest. It was non-stop work." Even if that quote's total bullshit, it's still sad. [Mirror]
  
  
• Because someone in Hollywood thinks Jessica Alba can perform, the actress will be in the latest installment of the grossly overrated Meet the Fockers franchise. [PopWatch]
  
  
• A new book claims Liz Taylor tried to kill herself after Richard Burton ended one of their many romances. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Proving that it's hard to kick bad habits, Amy Winehouse and former husband Blake Fielder-Civil have rekindled their love — on Facebook! [The Sun]
  
  
• Poor Emma Watson. She just wanted to go to college like a normal young woman. Too bad no one told her Harvard's filled with a bunch of douche losers who have nothing to do other than stalk her and then tweet about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna told David Letterman that she would rather be turned to pulp by a runaway train than marry again. [HuffPo]
  
  
• People say Entourage star Kevin Dillon and his wife are calling it quits. He's not helping matters by flirting with women left, right and center. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now we can have a Palin nation! Rumor has it the — shit, we don't even know how to describe her — also-ran wants to land a beauty deal to "capitalize on her 'lipstick on a pit bull' catchphrase." [Page Six]

Watch as the nearly incomprehensible Winehouse lays down sick rhymes, like "Listen. I can write ten raps a night, it don't matter, but you know that it's tight." She also describes herself as a "Jewmaican."

She did this all with the singer Zalon, who really should have stopped her.

• Oh, this is convenient: Kanye West blames booze for his infamous VMA outburst, and now people are saying he's going to go to rehab, but his friends say that's not so. Too bad, because we really wanted to help fuel his martyr complex. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Remember Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic rant following his DUI? Well, he wants you and the justice system to forget: his lawyer will argue next week that since Gibson's completed his probation, the arrest should be expunged from his record. [TMZ]
  
  
• Janet Jackson, who has by far been more dignified than most of her family in mourning Michael, will wear black to show the world just how sad she really is, which is funny, since some people argue Michael hated that color. [The Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Osbourne, once the picture of teenage rebellion, doesn't like that kids these days wear short skirts. [Page Six]
  
  
• Briefly ubiquitous actress Emmy Rossum's husband has filed for divorce. Meh. [People]
  
  
• A "faith healer" claims he has cured Amy Winehouse's insane alcoholism. Even if we thought such a thing possibly, we'd advertise with caution. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Ellen Barkin ran into Matt Damon on her street, where he was filming, and told him to come over when he was done. He laughed. [Page Six]
  
  
• 90210 star AnnaLynne McCord really wants Cosmo to put her on the cover so that she can be on the same celebrity plane as Blake Lively. It's good to have goals, we suppose. [Page Six]
  
  
• Roman Polanski will fight his extradition. Shocking. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Rest easy, America, for police have the second suspect in Lindsay Lohan's burglary in custody. Phew! [NYDN]
  
  
• OK! has spent a total of $300,000 on pictures of Khloe Kardashian's wedding to Laker player Lamar Odom. Who says the days of publishing's excessive spending are over? [Page Six]
  
  
• For reasons that escape us, fashion designer Marc Jacobs will reportedly join the cast of gay network Logo's Kept, which is basically Real Housewives with gay men. Watch A-List become C-list! [NYDN]
  
  
• Dita Von Teese's new Wonderbra ad campaign has been released. It's vampy. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jude Law won't be winning father of the year: he's demanding a DNA test to prove that Samantha Burke's tot really came from his loins. [MSNBC]

• The nuns at Lady Gaga's Catholic high school saw her VMA performance and, according to a source, "were not amused." [Page Six]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson has called off the futile search party for her dog, who was eaten by a coyote. [TMZ]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Martha Stewart isn't offering Simpson a sympathetic shoulder. The kitchen queen says the pop star should have been more careful. But those coyotes are wiley! [Page Six]
  
  
• Annoying singer Avril Levigne and her husband, Deryck Whibley are separating. You know what that means? Divorce. [Us]
  
  
• What? We're confused. Amy Winehouse, who once had an appetite only for powder and booze, ate three times in one night. [The Sun]
  
  
• Madonna's pants are invisible! [3am]
  
  
• So is Mena Suvari: door men are having a hard time recognizing the once-ubiquitous actress. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl's adopted baby is Asian, cute and in for one hell of a ride. [Us]
  
  
• Michelle Williams went to a Brooklyn coffee shop and some nosy kid asked her daughter about having daddy Heath Ledger die: "Are you so sad that your daddy died like Michael Jackson?" [Page Six]
  
  
• Sorry, Gawkers: Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner won't sell their wedding pictures. But we're sure some will leak anyway. [Page Six]
  
  
• Robbie Williams fears for Susan Boyle's sanity: "It will not take much to push her over the edge. Her head seems like a strange place to be." We can only imagine. [The Sun]

• Melanie Griffith has checked into rehab for a third time, but her doctor says it's simply "routine." At this point, yes. [Mirror]
  
  
• Robin Williams has been asked to play Britain's Got Talent singer Susan Boyle in a biopic about her life. Sounds like a perfect fit. [Page Six]
  
  
• Singer-turned-loon Amy Winehouse has filed a £50,000 lawsuit against her former mother-in-law, who Winehouse accused of copyright infringement for selling one of her rambling love letters to her ex-husband. [The Sun]
  
  
• Ed Swiderski, the man who shocked — shocked! — the world by cheating on his Bachelorette "girlfriend" insisted he never took the show seriously. [Us]
  
  
• Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise inspired a Scientology fashion line. That says it all. [The Guardian]
  
  
• Lesbian tennis star Martina Navratilova former beauty queen girlfriend Julia Lemigova once dated Swiss banker Edouard Stern, who was murdered by his lover in a sadomasochistic sex romp. That may be the most titillating gossip we've heard in a long time. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• American Idol winner David Cook's so secretive about his love life that he refuses to buy anything for his girlfriend. Wait, isn't that just cheap? [Page Six]
  
  
• Sex tape and reality star Kim Kardashian will direct an "unscripted show" about her publicist friend Jonathan Cheban. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now that Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes are out in the open about their adulterous relationship, Cibrian's wife is free to rip him to shreds. She describes him as a "a compulsive liar, cheater and a home wrecker." Well, we know at least two of those things are true. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ian McKellen went to see his friend Rachel Weisz in A Streetcar Named Desire. That's just sweet. [Just Jared]

• Emma Roberts likes to give her boyfriend hickeys — and he likes to show them off. Ew. [Page Six]
  
  
• Because she thinks she's Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow's expanding her London home. It will have 33-rooms. We have no words. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Paris Jackson and her siblings enjoyed a weekend in Vegas. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Michael Jackson had two — count 'em, two — super secret email accounts through which he procured prescription drugs. Say what you will about him, but that man clearly had a serious, sad problem. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Speaking of serious, sad problems, Amy Winehouse allegedly wants to get back together with her equally deranged ex-hubby Blake Fielder-Civil. Surprisingly, though, she's aware of how incredibly pathetic she sounds, "I'm so embarrassed, I love him though." Hey, it makes you do crazy things. [Mirror]
  
  
• Do not — we repeat, do not — call Candace Bushnell a "cougar." Not to her face, at least. [NYDN]
  
  
• Rachel Zoe assistants Brad Goreski and Taylor Jacobson have made peace. Phew! [LA Times]
  
  
• Judith Giuliani plays better golf that Rudy. [Page Six]

• Heidi and Spencer are taking their clown show to the Miss Universe Pageant, where Heidi is supposed to perform some horrible song horribly and Spencer is just being an enormous ass, as is his usual proclivity. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sting's daughter claims that her father knows nothing about tantric sex and that the whole rumor about his sexual prowess was a gag perpetrated by Bob Geldof. In other news, there's something uniquely creepy about a daughter discussing her father's sexual prowess. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Oh for Christ's sake! Just in time for the start of the NFL season, Kim Kardashian, the ample-assed Armenian succubus, is in New Orleans trying to win Reggie Bush back. Beautiful, just freaking beautiful. Geaux Saints! [Daily News]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse is still doing everything in her power to kill herself. She recently went on a 48-hour bender and The Sun has some ridiculous photos of Wino with white powder all over her face and a severely burnt finger. [Sun]
  
  
• Phil Spector is whining and crying about being in prison while his 29-year-old girlfriend smuggles him food in during her visits so he doesn't have to eat in the mess hall with all the animals. [Page Six]
  
  
• A 22-year-old model has filed a lawsuit against David Copperfield claiming that he sexually assaulted her in the Bahamas two years ago. [TMZ]
  
  
• Jason Schwartzman secretly married a clothing designer named Brady Cunningham at his home in California recently. [Daily News]
  
  
• Marc Jacobs is planning to marry his Brazilian boyfriend Lorenzo Martone this weekend in Provincetown, Massachusetts. Apparently, no one is invited, but there will be an afterparty at some point. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Martin has revealed the one-year-old twin boys that he had through a surrogate mother last year by taking them to the beach and posting photos on Twitter. And no, he's still not out of the closet. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Okay here's a news flash: Paula Abdul will not be returning as a judge on American Idol. Again. So can we all just move on with our lives now? [Page Six]

• Oh, god. A billion teenage brains are going to spontaneously combust today. Apparently, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are going to get married. Their union will be officiated by the Minister of Happy somewhere around Tomorrowland and they're going to ride off on a Monorail of Pleasure sometime after for their honeymoon, and teenagers all across the land will be miserably depressed. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Some guy wrote a novel about uberflack Lizzie Grubman, and she said the book isn't about her. Especially the part where she plows into a bunch of people in the Hamptons with her SUV. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Amy Crackhouse wants to get back with Blake, the subject of all her songs, lawsuits, and various addictions. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• What's Robert Pattinson's life like living through right now? A bong? A strange prism through which all perceptions of normal proportions are heinously warped? A bunch of fans accosted him dressed as aliens the other day. Seriously. Now I feel bad for him. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Pattinson's co-star, Kristen Stewart, is about as famous as the penny: everyone knows who she is, and could care less. Sad. That's what she gets for not being a vampire. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rexo preggers Nicole Richie and Ellen Pompeo are now homegirls! They need to think of a name for their duo; tragically, The Rexo Preggers Club didn't make the first cut. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does Paula Abdul want back in on American Idol? Maybe! And I would like to go back into my sensory deprivation tank! Or the womb! [TMZ]
  
  
• Stellar! Kevin Spacey just wrapped on Casino Jack, the new Jack Abramoff biopic. Apparently, the movie portrays Bush and Abramoff as chummy, and makes a real ass out of Tom DeLay by portraying him as a cigar-chomping Tammany Hall type. This ought to be good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Good to know: Alaskan man-meat Levi Johnston will pose nude "for the right price." At this point, I think it's safe to say he's just a tool of the Democratic Party. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Big-dicked movie star Jamie Foxx may have impregnated more women than previously assumed! He will try to blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol and it will not work. [NYDN]
  
  
• Alyssa Milano, after dating a long lineage of rock stars, movie stars, and baseball players, ended up getting married to an agent. Go figure. Remember when she was married to the lead singer of Remy Zero? Those were the days. [NYDN]
  
  
• New Gossip Girl character: Vanessa's mom! Whee. [EW]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson's looking for pricey new digs in Hollywood, i.e. apartments to the tune of $15M. Where's he getting his money? Come on, where do you think? Out of the pockets of his dead brother. Naturally. [Page Six]
  
  
• Why is Mariah Carey canceling events? Easy! Because Nick Cannon is broke. [People]
  
  
• TMZ thinks Britney spears copped her weave from Dog The Bounty Hunter. I laughed. Heartily. [TMZ]
  
  
• Brooklyn Foodies, beware: Tyra Banks is encroaching on your storied grounds with her financier boyfriend. So goes the item: they were at Peas and Pickles in Brooklyn Heights, and they had to have everything rung up at the register item-by-item. Lots of frozen dinners! And energy bars. It was paid for with a Black AmEx. The next time you scrape up enough nickels to hit up your corner bodega for a box of bootleg Parliament Lights, remember this. [Page Six]
  
  
• Martin Scorsese hasn't even started work on the new Sinatra movie, and Tina Sinatra is pissed at Marty's potential portrayal of her dad. She wants the movie to be about the music, and Scorsese's probably dreamed about making what should be the Goodfellas version of a musical biopic for years, now. Wonder who's gonna win out on this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• "I feel your love!" screamed Madonna as a bunch of Polish fans sung her happy birthday. She's 51! Jesus, Madge. 51, and you're still kicking around with Jesus and feeling the love of various foreigners and wearing that ridiculous kabbalah bracelet around. Here's my favorite bad Madonna video. Let's celebrate together!!1!! [NY Daily News]

Obviously, you're about to embark into some mildly NSFW territory, though there's no actual "action" in these teaser clips, and the most vulgar thing about these are the language in them. The TMSleaze (website NSFW) tributes are, quite frankly, very well played, maybe with the exception of Tono Romo's jersey reading HOMO, but hey, that's porn for you. Maybe TMSleaze isn't Pulitzer-worthy, but this could at least be considered for a Peabody, or something. It's one of the more intelligent, current satires out there, and yes, it's a porn and mostly alludes to sex. But we should all feel upstaged: they took their position as a specific commodity on a moral battleground, and leveraged it into post-modernism. The porn industry calling TMZ sleazy is, whatever you think of the porn industry, an interesting statement. I await their parody of Gawker Media with baited breath. Do enjoy, and thank you Gawker Video Deity Richard Blakeley for the tip.

Meet Messica Simpleton and Boney Homo. I think the TMSleaze reporters call them the Texas Poboys. There's also an allusion to Terrell Owens, who's not given a name. There's also fried chicken involved.

In our second video, there's Lamey Swinehouse. She's drunk and bouncing a ball on the floor and screaming about fish and chips. The paparazzi decide to leave her to her own device, deciding that "this is just sad."

In clip three, you'll meet Spender and Hiney, from "that show...that bullshit show," and as everyone knows "they've got a sex tape, or they're going to put out a sex tape," or something. Photogs ask Spender and Hiney if they can take shots of them, and Spender asks them if they're going to "be on the cover" (get it, they're not in print?). The photog says "sure," and they allow the TMSleaze paps to snap away. After letting them know that two other "characters" have made a sex tape - LC and Bony - Spender and Hiney decide that they need to make a sex tape, too, there and on the spot. Note TMSleaze's accurate depiction of Spencer Pratt's creepy flesh-colored beard.

"Somewhere in America," shouts Ron Jeremy, "there's a really exciting story. But I doubt if anyone in this room's gonna find it!" This Joseph Campbell-esque insight leads to Slimin' - whose bad faux-British accent is reminiscent of Simon Cowell's - and a studio executive arguing. "Shut up you prattling little ninny, or I will retain your ass as a black man and and shine my Tony Lamas in your rectum." Cut to some woman writhing about a couch, licking Slimin's jeans. This is, presumably, Paula Abdul. Her handler walks in the room, and begins arguing about their differences in pay. Honestly, who is writing these? Maybe we do need to ring up Sig Gissler right fucking now.

Finally, meet Feminem and Linda Blowhand, who is with child. She's under the assumption that Feminem is the father of her child. Feminem is rapping in the studio, and uses the word "illin" in one of his raps. He's with an African American co-worker - possibly his producer, possibly someone resembling Dr. Dre - who lets Feminem know that "illin" is outdated nomenclature. "You keep spittin' that weak, people gonna know you whitebred," he warns him. He gets assaulted by Linda Blowhand, who asks him why he hasn't called. "Are you high? Are you tweakin' right now?" Feminem asks her. "What do you think I am? You think I'm your little diamond oven whore?" she screams back. She then reminds him that the "lady" - presumably a reference to Samantha Ronson - "isn't cuttin' it in the orgasm department." Feminem then inquires if it'd be okay for him to "come in you since you're already pregnant," which upsets her. "Hell no, I don't want fuckin' twins!" she assaults him.

• Jessica Simpson wanted a Barbie-like existence with Tony Romo, so much so that she wanted him to dress up as Ken (and her as Barbie) for her birthday party. If true, this is sad on five different levels, chief among them: (1) the relating of inanimate objects to having a desire to inhabit their manifested-in-reality counterparts, (2) the ideal for a relationship that is now absolutely shattered, something that was probably fairly delicate and precious to her, (3) the stark realization that this existence simply doesn't exist in life, but the existence of having a breakup because you (insanely) wanted to make your boyfriend dress up as a Ken doll and that was the braking point? That existence is very, very real. Honestly, just blame all of this on Joe Simpson. Did you know he had an Arcade Fire song written about him? It's true. Anyway, this filled me with a deep sadness the way, I don't know, reading Arthur Miller plays can. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan got a job in the new Robert Rodriguez movie. It's a full-length version of Machete, which was initially conceived as a trailer for his joint collaboration with Quintin Tarantino, Grind House. So: she just attached herself to a pretty decent project. Let's hope she shows up to work on time. [D Listed]
  
  
• Saved By The Bell cast members banned Screech from the reunion because (A) he's a perv and (B) he's writing a tell-all and (C) they had to bring him along for the College Years, didn't they? Zach Morris aka Mark Paul Gosselaar noted: "What is he going to say?" Gosselaar asked sarcastically. "We were (bleeping) groupies at 14?" which is kind of funny. They weren't! [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin bought a condo in Rockville, Maryland: definitely not ex-husband Jon's Manhattan Piyimp Pad, but it'll do for now. It's apparently an hour away from her bodyguard, and also: Kate's dating a bodyguard, Jon's dating a twenty-something girl and walking around wearing Ed Hardy. Wow. It's like someone beat their cosmic existence with the Iron Book of Cliche. But E!'s running a nice picture of her smiling, so that's nice. [E!]
  
  
• George Clooney has a girlfriend who at one time modeled nekkid, and some blogs have picked up the pictures. [Egotastic]
  
  
• Awesome. Mary Cheney is a total diva, just like her neo-con sociopath of a dad. No, really: that's what the item's about. Her sister would get a new SUV for her secret service detail, and Mary would be like, why isn't that one mine? And they'd be like, well, because you're the lesbian and we want to keep you as far in the closet as possible. Literally. Okay, last part isn't true, but probably. [Page Six]
  
  
• Gerard Butler likes to check out girls without being spotted by paparazzi, apparently, which is, uh, tragic? Especially when you're doing it at parties? [Page Six]
  
  
• Favorite gossip item of the week: Jasper Johns and Edward Albee, sitting around, telling jokes about turtles. I kid you not. [Page Six]
  
  
• Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton gets business advice from Richard Branson. I get business advice from the guy at my laundromat who thinks tax evasion is legal. Unsolicited, but appreciated nonetheless. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rapper Drake tried to hit the stage while recovering from an injury and fell; his knee buckled out from under him. More and more, I'm starting to think his career is just a viral DeGrassi ad campaign. [TMZ]
  
  
• Charles Manson is running a business in prison, and having guys pen his signature for him, and thus, is still manipulating people into doing his bidding. Gotta hand it to him, though, for his entrepreneurial spirit. What's next, a blog network? Also, he makes "cloth scorpions," so if you were even remotely concerned about whether or not he's still totally fucking creepy, well, he still is. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mark Wahlberg got married. He said hi to everyone's mother in person. [People]
  
  
• Emma Watson wants to start her own fashion label, and it's going to be "green," and more magical than all the other fashion labels. It will probably perform light magic to counteract the dark magic of Mugatu-esque designer Karl Lagerfeld. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse hired a private investigator to spy on her ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil's every move so when they go to court, she can list all the reasons why nobody should ever give him a penny. But Hollywood, are you listening? Amy Winehouse and a Private Investigator is the potential new hit of the fall season, and surely, we could crush Mad Men's chances at ever winning another Emmy. Get in on it before I actually sell this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• The Twilight people launched a website for their new movie and somewhere, thousands of trackpads have already been broken with the furious clicking of their psychotic teenage owners. [E!]

• Jude Law will soon become a father for the fourth time. His spokesperson issued a statement last night confirming that he knocked up some unnamed girl he had a "relationship" with last year. Jude, just go have the ole snip-snip done if you're unwilling to wrap up. Geez, it's reversible. [EW]
  
  
• Friends of Mischa Barton are concerned that she's being released back into the wild way too soon. [Daily News]
  
  
• Mel Gibson was out partying with one of his many Russian girlfriends when a Life & Style reporter posing as a fan tried to get a picture of him, which caused Mel to snap and unleash his biblical passion upon the lowly tabloid journalist and her friend, whose shirt he ripped up. [Hollyscoop]
  
  
• Oh this is just heartbreaking—Michael Jackson's children formed a circle by holding hands and prayed frantically while paramedics attempted to revive their dad in their home. [Mirror]
  
  
• Dan Aykroyd bombarded the kitchen of some swanky East Hampton restaurant and starting yelling at the chefs that all of their dishes were "rubbish." He then jumped behind the bar and began slinging drinks to everyone. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does anyone care about Jennifer Lopez anymore? Regardless, she and her husband Marc and their kids celebrated her 40th birthday in Rome, just in case anyone does care about Jennifer Lopez. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• According to the Mirror, George Clooney's new squeeze is a "lapdance model," meaning that she's a Italian model who loves to get drunk and give nude lap dances to men. George Clooney is a man to be celebrated. Here he is on a motorbike with his "lapdance model." [Mirror]
  
  
• Michael Showalter says that appearing on Letterman's show is like walking into your own television set, among other things. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Anna Wintour has gone power mad and is planning to invade Bulgaria because she has always wanted to rule a country in the Black Sea region. Or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse's father says that he faked a heart attack to try to shock his daughter into kicking her addictions to heroin and crack and God knows what else. His efforts failed. [Daily Mail]

• Amy Winehouse's ex-husband says that she once reached into Kate Moss' handbag and swiped a baggie of cocaine from her. This has to be the most awesome thing the ole junkie's ever done while on a binge, right? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Ample-assed famous person Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend, New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush, have split up. As a lifelong Saints fan, I couldn't be more pleased. KK is Reggie's Yoko Ono, just a world class succubus. [Sun]
  
  
• Love letters Madonna wrote to an ex-boyfriend from the early 90s, a former bouncer at Limelight named James Albright, have been put up for sale by some entrepreneur looking to make a buck. It appears as though the most startling revelation of these letters is that Madonna liked to brag about how cute her "booty" was back in the day. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh here's news that'll make your day brighter—it looks as though Lauren Conrad's new novel, LA Candy, is being optioned to be made into a film. And LC's hard at work on a second book! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• A new reality show featuring Tobey Maguire's mom and little brother called "Growing Up Maguire" is in the works. No, we have no idea how this happened. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rihanna and Chris Brown are claiming that the fact that they were both staying in the same hotel recently is merely a coincidence and that no laws were broken and please don't come and arrest Chris for breaking his restraining order Mr. Police Officer. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Quentin Tarantino got his buddy Eli Roth, who is Jewish, to make a bunch of Nazi propaganda films that Tarantino is using in Inglorious Bastards. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton has been released from the psych ward and claims that she'll be returning to work on her new TV series within the next couple of weeks. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Some sicko in possession of Michael Jackson's hair from the infamous Pepsi head-fire incident during the 80s says he plans to convert the hair into diamonds and sell them to fans. Yeah. [Sun]
  
  
• Katie Holmes was nearly set ablaze when a car on the set of her new movie exploded due a faulty battery or something. Katie reportedly noticed sparks coming from the engine area and bolted from the car seconds before it went up in flames. [Daily Mail]

• Orlando Bloom, who isn't exactly Hollywood's most in-demand actor at the moment, has turned down the opportunity to reprise his role as Will Turner because he's head-over-heels in love with his girlfriend, Miranda Kerr. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Megan Fox says that playing a classmate-eating high school zombie in Diablo Cody's new flick, Jennifer's Body, was damn sexy. Megan Fox just thinks everything she does is sexy, and sadly, she's probably right. [Sun]
  
  
• Tara Reid has overcome numerous botched plastic surgeries to emerge as some sort of deformed stick figure. But hey, at least she's still getting noticed by the tabloids! [Sun]
  
  
• Susie Essman, when she's not hilariously cursing people out like she does Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm, dates losers. At least she used to, according to her new book. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin is a big spender. He paid $950 for a pair of wingtips in the Hamptons over the weekend, shoes he probably wore to kick some skank to the curb, because that's what Jon Gosselin does. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is claiming that Michael Jackson named his daughter Paris after her, hoping that she'd be the same type of little snow angel that Paris is whenever she grows up. [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere was lauded by PETA recently for throwing a fit on a film set when a leaf-blower was used to clear a flock of birds from a tree. [Page Six]
  
  
• Blake Fielder-Civil, Amy Winehouse's ex-husband, says that she almost died in his arms after going on a three day binge on heroine and crack. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's a new and innovative way to pick up girls in clubs compliments of Adrian Grenier—line up a bunch of tequila shots on the bar and pass them out to willing females. Amazing. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sienna Miller is not happy with the look of a doll made in her likeness in conjunction with the new G.I. Joe movie. She says that the doll squints too much. [Mirror]

• Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are so boning! They're working on a movie together, some impossibly dumb romantic comedy, and they've been spotted off-camera walking with their arms around each other! Like we said, they are boning hard on the regular, no doubt. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• The LAPD arrived at Mischa Barton's West Hollywood apartment and removed her from the premises because she was having a "medical issue." [Sun]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's new girlfriend is a "party animal" with a "racy lesbian past," which probably means she got wasted and made out with girls in front of boys in rural Midwestern bars, just like every other girl her age. But whatever. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• After a ten year engagement, 72 year-old Robert Redford finally tied the knot with his fiancee, Sibylle Szaggars. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's legs were riddled with gaping wounds resulting from the many injections and intravenous lines he had going into them. Who the hell puts an IV into the leg? Anyway, the pictures of Jackson's legs are freaking gross. You've been warned. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Another fairy tale romance bites the dust as Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil file for divorce in London. So there you go fellas—AWine is back on the market! [Mirror]
  
  
• Zooey Deschanel likes to slather herself up with sunscreen because she like the way that it makes her smell. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Kylie Minogue got pissed at her boyfriend the other night for making her wait in line for a drink in a bar or something so she slapped him across the face. [Page Six]
  
  
• According to the Sun, Madonna is afflicted with something called "bingo wings," which is apparently British slang for the droopy skin that hangs from a woman's upper arms. So much for those Tracy Anderson workouts, eh? [Sun]
  
  
• The Hoff and Lady Gaga were spotted partying together in London on Tuesday night. Need we even say anything more? [Mirror]